Author's note: Just a random one-shot that i've worked very very hard on. so I hope it's worth it to you guys. This is kind of my own Desperately Seeking Serena back story. please review! and enjoy!
I.
Serena never got her chance to tell Georgina how she really felt about everything that had gone on when she'd tried to hard to ruin Serena's semi perfect life. There were so many things that Serena wanted to say to her. One thing most particularly, because Serena knew that one thing would forever have an imprint on her life. One certain thing produced many different questions of what could have been. Things would have turned out so differently had a few events of the past not happened. Now this was the anniversary of the day it'd happened. Serena unlike many people had a pretty good memory when she actually chose to use it. Part of Serena wished that she could have just forgotten what had happened but after it being so real she knew she wouldn't ever be able to forget it. Even as she kneels down in the new summer's light at the grave stone she can still feel it.
II.
It wasn't the work of birth control that had made her miss eight weeks of her period building up. Rather it was the work of birth control failing and a lack of condoms in a house. She could still recall hearing Lillian Razza, her gynecologist's voice saying, "Serena there's a reason for you not getting your period and having slight spotting. You're doing to much with this pregnancy, I want you to cut down your hours of partying and for god sake Serena easy with the sex." Serena's face had blushed bright red after the doctor's words, so maybe against the wall of the janitor's closet and against the stall in the girl's bathroom wasn't the best place to get it on.
She hadn't even heard Dr. Razza say pregnant, it'd simply gone right over her head. Until she'd said it again, then it had hit Serena. Serena Van der Woodsen was having Daniel Humphrey's baby, she would be the first one to mix the two bloodlines. As guilty and afraid as the seventeen year old should have been she wasn't. Just as she'd told Lily, she and Dan were forever. Forever had just started a little bit too early.
III.
When the 'gifts' started coming Serena began to get more and more worked up. She'd only known for a few days about the pregnancy but it was more then enough to already make Serena standoffish. She raged at all of the little things, yelling and screaming when it was barely anything to yell about, crying silently in her room at night time for reasons she was never really sure. Those were the moments she'd blame the baby and Dan, Serena hated being such a sap.
The night that she got the note from Georgina she knew that she needed help, and that she owed Chuck an apology. After she'd confessed to him about being pregnant his distemper completely changed. It was strange to see the usual sleaze ball suddenly command her to lay down and remember to breathe.
It was that night that Serena learned a little bit about her step brother. She learned that Chuck may have actually had a reason to be tainted. Juliet Emberley Bass had passed away when Chuck was nine, from complications with his little sister's birth. Both mother and child were lost before Chuck could even say goodbye. Bart had always seemed to blame Chuck, he'd been the one to beg for a playmate. Jules had always wanted to comply with her only child's wishes. So she and Bart had decided to try for another child, no one could have seen their deaths coming.
While he'd told her about it Serena for the first time saw that deep inside Chuck he was still the little boy that just wanted a family around. She and Eric were the chosen ones to help him with that. After everything that he'd done for her she'd decided to comply with it. Maybe having him for an uncle would even do the baby good, even if he'd already said if it was a boy 'Uncle Chuck' was going to teach him how to pay for the ladies at Victrola.
IIII
Chuck persisted to check up on Serena daily. As though her secret had turned into their secret, he checked in on Georgina's whereabouts almost hourly, worried that if she came back she'd lead Serena down the path of destruction. Chuck knew what it was like to lose someone, and losing Serena and the baby could and would destroy Dan. Even if he didn't know what Serena saw in Humphrey he still didn't want to see anyone end up like his father had. Being jaded certainly didn't have it's perks in life.
Chuck called Serena constantly, almost as constantly as he asked her to have someone switch and take the SAT's for her. He worried that the stress of them on top of watching her back for Georgina's whereabouts would be too much for her to handle. If there was anything that Serena didn't handle well it was stress. From Halloween to dance recitals when she was a child Serena had agonized for days prior till she was sick to her stomach. She could be just as bad if not worse then Blair in that regiment. He was sure that most of the old Serena was gone yet he knew better then to say that that part of the old Serena was gone also. He'd watched how she'd slept the other night in his suit, how she'd curled herself into a ball and crossed her arms as protectively as she could over her middle. It'd made him smile just a little, memories of his mother flying in front in his eyes. It's what gave him the courage to protect her, because he knew that he could protect her. Long as she didn't let out the secret that Charles Bass really did have a soft side they would be all set.
IV
She had decided not to tell him of their expectancies until all coasts were clear. If Georgina decided to come back and show her face everything would be put to risk and Serena didn't need Dan seeing that. She didn't want him to know what she'd done in the past, what she'd been like prior to him. How she'd carelessly given her body out to anyone who would pay her a piece of mind. How she'd taken drug after drug because she could get her hands on it, because she could. The person she was now didn't even know the person she was back then. The selfish spotlight hogging bitch who didn't care who got hurt long as she got to have some fun. She despised the old her, and she never wanted a reason for the old her to come back out for its hiding.
Combine with the fact that all she could think of when she thought of a baby was her father running away when Lily was pregnant with Eric. He'd finally confessed that he'd never really wanted children, even Serena herself was an accident in his eyes. For a child that had once been daddy's little girl it had hit her like a ton of bricks. She didn't think she'd be able to trust a male again after her father walked out. The only guy she knew it was inevitable to trust had been Nate, because Nate had always worked to pick up her broken pieces. Dan on the other hand had been like a gift and she was sure that he would always be there for her. Serena also knew that Dan would always be their for their child, she'd known it since the day he'd thought she'd purchased a pregnancy test for herself.
Even as his hands positioned themselves on her hips, or when they slowly slid down her front playfully pausing for a moment she was still afraid. Afraid that if Georgina decided to come around that everything that mattered most to Serena would all go out the window. That she'd never have the chance to tell Dan that she was pregnant. Maybe it was something she should have done sooner rather then later, yet she just couldn't bring herself to do so. All she wanted was for things to be good, for them to be what they needed to be. For any worry of Georgina being around was just something she could laugh off and pretend never happened.
V.
The night that Serena called Chuck fully intoxicated Chuck could have killed her. The only way he knew to put up with her was to joke it all off. To tell her that he wanted to see her and Geogie going at it or something along the lines, he couldn't even remember after he'd ended the call. All he could think of was what he was going to do to her once she sobered but. He needed to restrain from ringing her neck, how could she be so stupid? What was she thinking drinking any type of liquor, she'd explained to him how she'd been high risk before.
Calling Dan had also been difficult to talk to on the phone, not out of spite but out of worry Chuck wanted to tell Dan what Serena had done. He also knew how 'judgmental' Daniel could be when it came to Serena. It was one of the many reasons Chuck was so on the fence with worry about Dan, he didn't want to see Serena anymore hurt then she'd been in the past. How suspicious Dan was let Chuck know that he loved Serena yet he was waiting for Serena to slip up. Hard as it was to say Dan seemed like he knew Serena pretty damn well.
Soon as he'd gotten her back to his suit in the Palace he'd forced her to eat to sober her up, then held her hair back as she puked throughout the night. He didn't care how she felt like shit, or looked like shit for that matter. Serena knew she deserved it, every last bit of it she deserved. She couldn't have been more relieved that Chuck hadn't told Dan, Paranoia was running its self rapid through her mind. The old, heartless, non trusting Serena was in full force during the night. Just like the old Serena she'd told Chuck a countless number of times how much she wanted to die.
That was the old Serena every night after she'd hung out with Georgina. Laying on the bathroom floor she'd tell Nate and Chuck how much she just didn't want to be alive and how much no one cared. Blair got much too fed up with Serena to deal with her drunkenness on a daily basis, Chuck and Nate were always the ones to care for her. Nate many a time more then chuck. Mostly Chuck had always tried to cop a feel on the drunk strung out blonde.
Chuck knew now that every word out of her mouth was a damn lie this time. She had Dan and the baby to worry about, yet thanks to Georgina she was being a selfish bitch. But she was his family and Chuck was going to do what ever he could to protect them, it was his job. Even if it took tying her up to do so, maybe if he got lucky he'd get to see her undressed. Chuck was still his pervy self, he just wasn't putting his own wants front and center.
VI
Dan didn't understand what was going on with her, she was acting so not Serena like he was scared. Scared that the old Serena that hadn't cared about 'the little people' was back and she was going to leave him at the drop of a hat. Dan loved Serena, and he'd admit it to anyone that would listen. Even to Serena, he told her and explained to her as best he could that he loved her. Serena was his world, he'd nearly kissed the ground she walked on since 2005. Dan didn't want to have to lose her. Losing her scared him more then he wanted to admit. She made him alive, when she wasn't around he ran his life on auto pilot.
He'd tried so hard to make it better, but then the night that Chuck had called to say that she had 'food poisoning' he knew that it wasn't true. As much as Dan knew Serena hated Chuck why would she have been siding with him unless she had something to hide. What ever she was hiding Dan wasn't ready for. He hated it when she lied but lately it seemed to be all she did. He didn't know how much longer he'd be able to take it.
VII
Serena knew she was taking a risk by agreeing to meet Georgina for dinner but with all that Georgie held over her head Serena wasn't exactly in the position to say she wouldn't attend. Georgina's voice had held a promising tone, one that Serena had thought was sincere, she should have known better then to risk everything. But she was naive as ever as she headed right home to change into something more wild, a pair of jeans she knew were soon to not fit and a baggy tee shirt. As she stood in the full length mirror in just her la perla matching set she could see it. The little bulge that was going to make a huge impact on Serena and Dan's lives together. Her perfect blue, innocent eyes lingered on it and she knew that she had to tell Dan. As her hand slid over the bump, resting on the one thing that would protrude into a basketball shape in no time she decided that before she hit the twelve week mark Dan had to know. She was in her own zone, not caring if there was anyone that would hear in the whole suit, the only thing that mattered to her was the object that lie under her hand. Her voice scared her when it came out of her mouth, it was so loving yet so full of scare and excitement. Thought it was just low enough for the mice to hear had there been any,
"Mommy's here, and daddy will be too soon, But little one I'm telling you right now that as well as uncle Chuck means you are never to listen to a word he says. I don't think daddy would let him corrupt you anyways."
Every word scared her but every word came from her heart, referring to herself and Dan as mommy and daddy just felt so natural. Like it was something she'd been born to do her entire life. She knew it was that moment that she decided everything would in tern be alright. Having this child was there next move no matter how unexpected it was. It was simple, she loved this baby. Maybe she should have regarded it as a punishment for falling in love. Having a baby at seventeen wasn't exactly something to be proud of. There was just something in the idea of her and Dan not being like there parents. On the idea of being able to be in love, stay in love, and create something out of their love. She needed to ward off Georgina yet protect she and Dan's baby at the same time. There had to be some way to do it, she wasn't about to just give it all up.
VIII
Dinner had started out rather well, Dan was Serena's favorite topic to discuss. He brought such a smile to her face. Just thinking about him made her happy, and even surer that the words that she had to tell him were going to be ok. It made her even surer that when she told him they were expecting he'd pick her up and swing her around. Only soon to start forbidding her from things like coffee, caffeine, and amusement parks. Everything she knew in a heartbeat she'd sacrifice for the time being just so that she could have there baby as healthy as possible. Everything else could wait till after.
All she had wanted to do was run to Dan and be in his arms, she knew he was confused with her. Maybe even mad with her, but, she knew that just as soon as she told him she was pregnant it would all melt away and everything would go back to the way it'd been before she'd spent the night drinking rather then 'studying' with him. In all honesty she knew he had to have gotten more studying without her there, because all of the studying they would have gotten down was the study of each other's anatomy. Not that Serena wasn't already sure that Dan would get into Dartmouth but she knew he didn't need any distractions when it came to studying, Blair had been very right when she'd mentioned performance anxiety. In more ways then just one, just adding to the reasons Serena was happy she'd kept back the secret of the baby until after the SAT's were all done with.
Soda had been her drink of choice, since she'd promised Chuck no more drinking until after she'd delivered a healthy baby. Not only that but she was planning on taking the SAT's the next morning, she didn't need worrying about her baby and alcohol poisoning on her brain also. Worrying about passing the tests were enough to make her lie in bed, preferably Dan's after they were all over with.
IX
The light drumming sound in her head is what alerts her first that something's not right. The feel of the sheets isn't anything of her's, Dan's, or Chuck's. Opening her eyes she knows to panic. She's not home, she's not in her clothes anymore, she hurts. Hearing Georgina's voice makes her head throb more. It's then that she remembers that she's supposed to be taking the SAT's. She can't think of anything else at the moment, because she already knows that it's to late. She wants to go at Georgina full force but she holds back, Georgie still has things over her head.
So instead she picks up her phone and complains to Chuck about missing the testing. Chuck knows just by the tone of her voice where she'd been all night. He knows that she let Georgina once again get to her. Part of Chuck wants just to hang up, part of him wishes he was there to join them last night. He knows very well how Serena gets when she's intoxicated and under the influence. There's a load of things that Dan would never want to hear about when it came to Georgina. She and Serena would do anything to get a guys attention in the past, Serena knows it and she's not proud of it. In fact she doesn't even remember most of it, all she has are the stories.
When she reaches the Palace he doesn't even try to sooth her. Her head is splitting, her fever is up, and cramps are imminent. All of this goes on while Dan sits taking his SAT's. She's kissing away everything they could have had. Chuck doesn't actually speak two words to her, he walks to the bathroom and holds the door open for her. She's to worked up to do anything but cry, she's really fucked up this time. When she finally comes out of the bathroom Chuck can see it in her expression, he doesn't say anything to her. The only thing he does is sneer a bit, shake his head, and hold her a cup of coffee. She wants to take it out of his hands and throw it at the wall till it smashes in pieces, just like the way her life is beginning to. When Dan comes to see why she lied and never showed up at the SAT's, to see why she sent someone else instead and why the fuck she's at Chuck's. She can't even look him in the eyes as he puts his hands on the sides of her face. Because he loves her and she feels like the last thing she deserves is to be loved by him.
X
Lillian Razza confirms what she already knew, and ups her suggested birth control, placing her on depression pills for the next month it's written all over her face that she's reached a new low. As Dr. Razza tells her that everything happens for a reason and that next time things will better, better when she's more mature and ready to handle the responsibility. Serena knows she's actually saying that maybe someday when she can take control of her own life. When everything isn't about how hard she can party and just how much liquor she can put into her system. Serena would have liked to swear that everything was better, but with the say she feeling she knew that that wasn't the case. Dan was going to hate her for it.
When toxicology reports come back there's a high count of flunitrazepam and alcohol in her blood stream. Dr. Razza tells Serena that it was the roofies that had done her in. Serena closes her eyes, at least she knows that she hadn't willingly drank. Dr. Razza asks her if there was anything else she wanted to talk about or if she knew who slipped something in her drink Serena just shakes her head and puts her bag back on her shoulder. There's nothing that can be done to stop Georgina. She's a force of her own, all Serena can do now is hold onto Dan and try not to lose him also.
XI
Dan figures it was just SAT's that had her to riled up, and he knows that she feels like she made mistakes also. He can see it's hurt her in her eyes, at least that's what he thinks it is. He doesn't know the real truth. He doesn't know that the sonogram photo that will forever stay as one of the many things in her wallet is one of the many things that has put her on her destruction path. He simply thinks she's better because she holds onto him like every moment is their last. If he tries to bring any of it up she simply shakes her head and pulls him into any empty space she can to make out or more. The typical guy in Dan doesn't complain, he simply goes along with it.
Serena's kisses are desperate and she's glad he doesn't seem to notice. She's just happy he seems to want her. And for that she feels almost ok, yet more then guilty for never telling him about the one thing that would effect her forever. All she knew was that part of her was glad he wasn't going to have to feel the same pain.
Everything goes even more downhill rather quickly, Pete's overdose comes even more to light, the miscarriage tears her apart inside, 'Sarah' becomes Dan's best friend. Serena feels like she just wants to die. She's losing Dan and she knows it. Her night of drinking feels so good, every time the liquor burns the back of her throat she feels herself let go of what's already gone a little bit more. But when she sobers up with Blair, Nate, and Chuck it's like old times and she knows that she has to face the music. She comes clean about Georgina. Chuck makes bitter comments yet doesn't spill the rest, he just still can't look her in the eyes.
When he lets her go at the wedding Serena isn't quite sure how she's actually going to make it through the days anymore. Blair forces her to take Lexapro in the days to come, heavy doses just to get her out of her misery days. When Blair left for her summer abroad she was passed to Nate, to lock everything inside some more. Serena wasn't sure if ever again she'd be the same. She hadn't even gotten the chance to attack Georgie like she'd wanted to.
XII
Four years later, Serena's been in Africa lending a hand with the children there when she gets a letter from Blair. She's gotten many letters from Blair, Nate, her mother, Eric, even some from Jenny and Chuck, that's how she knows that Dan's doing well at Dartmouth. He and his girlfriend Gina are pretty serious, and he seems happy. Serena silently cried at the letter, she just hoped that Gina treated him better then she had. Serena had ended up just like her mother. The letter from Blair however makes her feel like she might be ready to go home and face her demon's. Georgina Spark is dead, seems the drugs were laced with something they shouldn't have been. The curse of Georgie is finally over.
Her dress falls mid thigh, it's white and lacy. It feels good to dress fashionable again after being in a place that she had dirty stains engraved in her skin. She wouldn't lie and say that she hadn't liked helping out over there, but she had still missed everything about NYC. She kneels down on the hard ground not afraid to get dirty, Serena Van der Woodsen had always been the dirt princess. Yet she always looked perfect anyways. No matter how mudded up from soccer she used to get. But this is different as she runs her hand over the grave that looks like no one's even come to visit it she feels no remorse what so ever. She's just here to say her final goodbye's.
"You selfish bitch, I'm sure your rotting in hell right now where you belong."
She can feel the tears building themselves up behind her blue eyes, she doesn't care if they come out as long as she's all alone.
"Everything I'd had, everything he and I were so close to having was torn away because of you and you didn't even have to pay of it. I have. For the past four years I've paid for it."
Serena's pulling the grass underneath her out, with her need to just hold onto something. She already knows that it's going to take more then one sleeping pill to get her to sleep tonight.
"I hope the end part of your life was an unbearable hell. That you died in misery."
Anyone that knew Serena knew that this wasn't normal Serena, she wasn't hostel and bitter ever. But holding all of this back for the past years caused her to be shallow and harsh, every time she thought of what might have been. The tears are streaming down her face now, their hot and in full force. She can remember exactly the night she cried this hard, it was the night in Chuck's bathroom.
Her arms lock as the hands latch themselves on her shoulders pulling her back into the chest. She doesn't want to be touched but the figure doesn't care. he's not gentle with her as he ignores her resistance and pulls her into his chest tighter, his arms tightly around her, his head in her hair kissing the top of her head.
"It's ok Serena, everything's ok now."
A he whisperer over and over as he rubs her back and lets her sob and pound into his chest, this was four years in coming. It had been two since Chuck had given him the bloody nose at the party. He'd been drunk and said something about Serena being a slut. He hadn't meant a word of it, but it'd given Chuck enough ammo to call him out on all of his bullshit. He'd learned that night about everything Serena had been hiding, he'd held a grudge over not being told for a year. Spending most of his time drinking and getting into random girl's pants, it wasn't the life Dan had ever wanted.
Now it'd been a year since that, a year since he would have just turned away when he saw Serena coming. He'd seen in the paper that Georgina Spark was dead, and Chuck had been the one to tip him off that Serena was coming home. He was the one that knew that her first step would be the cemetery. When he'd seen her she took his breath away, much like she had that day in the train station.
He held her all afternoon even as the rain started to pour, it didn't matter that mud was starting a ring around them. The only thing that mattered that his fallen from grace angel was in the place she belonged, in his arms. Now she could greave and get it all out where she should have trusted to be able to in the first place.
XIII
"Dani, if Mommy and Daddy can't reach you that means you're to far away from us."
The blonde called out to the three year old as she watched the little girl with blonde hair and brilliant deep brown eyes like her father's run ahead of them, pink roses in her hands. One of Serena's hands held tightly to the double carriage and her other tightly entangled with her husband's hand. They'd been married for seven years now.
"Danielle Lila Humphrey, will you please listen to your mother?"
Dan's voice called out to his daughter and she stopped immediately in her spot and ran to her father wrapping her little arms around his leg after she'd dropped the roses to the ground.
"Yes daddy"
Her silky voice said as she looked up at her father with her mother's bright sunshine smile. He wasn't able to resist his daughter as he let go of Serena's hand and bent down, their three week old son in his arms.
"I love you princess."
Dan's smile appeared on his face as Dani pushed her face close to her baby brother's.
"Well I love Jamie!"
Of course she had both Serena and Dan's stubborn streak. Her eyes twinkled as she giggled and backed away from her father and ran to her mother.
"And Drew"
Serena smiled as she stopped pushing the carriage for Dani to kiss her other little brother's head. Serena and Dan had worked so hard to get to where they were. It took a year after the meeting at Georgie's grave stone for them to be ok again, the year after that they were married. Three almost four years it took to conceive Danielle Lila through invetro, then two after that for the double gift of Jamie Nathaniel and Charles Andrew. She felt Dan kiss her cheek and she found her way back to his hand as he handed her the pink roses Dani had dropped.
"Danielle, I think your forgetting something"
Serena said as she held the flowers out to the little girl who happily took them back and started to pull the peddles off getting closer to the lake. She kneeled down in her white dress and tossed the peddles into the lake.
"What do you say to your guardian angel Dani?"
After he'd put Jamie back into the carriage he walked behind Serena and pulled her into his chest kissing the top of her head.
"We love you Laurel Emberley, and we miss you."
Not that Dani had much of a clue who she was talking to but Dan and Serena both knew that the eleven almost twelve year old was sitting on one of the puffy clouds erasing away all of the smudges of her parents mess-ups, and watching over her siblings.