Hi! So this is the TsubaSaki version of the story. This was supposed to be submitted in Christmas Eve but I was sick until now..actually that I have to deviate myself from computer for a while, but I have to submit it now. This story is about forgiveness in the name of Christmas. Happy New Year!
What is Christmas without you? If I could only know how to forgive and forget, I'd rather stay with you.
I don't see the reason of most people why they love Christmas. And not just love. They do celebrate it with that inextinguishable warmth that touches every heart and life of the persons surrounding them. And they even have the nerve to exchange gifts with one another, sing joyfully and other stuffs that rational people won't normally do being sensitive to the happenings in their lives. Look, how can they celebrate when there were those times they almost drowned in murky waters without any strip of light shining upon them, without any concrete hope they could grip to get out alive? How can they smile when there is still pain dwelling (even in diminutive amount) inside their hearts? Won't that affect the real value and spirit of celebrating this, what they call Christmas? Because it appears that if you still have these unwelcome feelings and experiences and haven't fully recovered and moved on yet, then you might just take advantage of this season forcing it to be a pain reliever or eraser.
And people even have the nerve to forgive. Hell.
Not only that, almost all people are excited to welcome New Year as well. What's the point? Does it mean new life, new chance, new hope when you talk about New Year?
It doesn't, right? It just signifies that another year full of disagreeable events will pass by your life and another set of chances to change for the better will slip out of your hands, and another set of mistakes will be on the way to tempt you in doing them and mess up your whole life.
Is that why people are so excited about New Year? To have a new kind of thrill to enjoy in their dull lives!
I'm not the Tsubasa Andou I used to be who loved Christmas and this New Year's Eve more than anything else just like the way I love myself. Because that was the young Tsubasa Andou. I'm not the old one who simply throws out party to celebrate what I considered essence of that season.– though I didn't even see or feel it – and enjoys the party with my kouhais, friends and with her. I could even organize a Christmas Ball to have my chance on her, but I knew enough that would never be effective. But I'm matured now..more matured than you could ever imagine with my good-humored voice and attitude . Suffice to say, I know better than the way I did before. I can get something fruitful out of that careful decision-making. I can manage my life even when hardships stand on my way. I can make amendments to every mistake I've done. I can control my whole system. But there are things I can't and I wonder if even genius people could be able to do those. Like doing and undoing or redoing things. This may happen in using computers, right? Hell, there are even shortcuts and controls. Another thing, I can't easily forgive and forget unlike the way I did before when I didn't have much thought what pain is and what kind of wrong should be forgiven. I just knew that all must be forgiven. But now, I'm learning the whys and hows.
Things have been different ever since that day. And simply describing it makes me want to lose all the memories I have especially those with her.
Geez, and see? I'm babbling so much about nonsense things. There was never a scene in my life that I became so profound in expressing my thoughts. Maybe only now because of a deep-seated reason.
But, it's not for children like you to know.
Just then as I was walking by a street leading to the academy, I passed by my kouhais: Anna, Nanoko, Yuu, Sumire, Koko, Mochu. All of them were wearing their best New Year outfits. Guess what? They were all in different styles of Polka-dots. How cute!
" Tsubasa-senpai, how have you been? Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!" Sumire suddenly greeted me in a cheerful tone without any hesitation. Yeah, she should have that. She should know that it was required before greeting me. Anyway, the incident last year must have been big that everyone knew what happened and noticed what it did to me ( though it might rank second with Mikan and Natsume's wedding incident topping the list..but it was still a scene!)
She should know I've changed. A lot.
Because of "Christmas" and " New Year" I didn't know if I should speak or not and let them know how I felt. And that "merry" and "happy" – do they even know what merry and happy means? I'm not that excellent in English but I do know what they both mean. And according to that, I'm one of those who don't feel either of them (since they're just the same). And never will.
But then I saw Koko looked at me, sweating. He must have read my thoughts. I preferred he said it aloud for them to know what I was thinking without hurting them directly since they wouldn't be coming out from my mouth.
He didn't. He just stared hard at Sumire. And I knew, Sumire got the message that she quickly apologized.
"I'm sorry, Tsubasa-senpai..i won't say another word," I swear she was at the brink of crying. Feared to taste my anger or feared to lose her senpai.
Geez, I've never been this mean before. They didn't deserve this kind of treatment from me. If anyone should deserve and live through my wrath, it should be her..and no one else.
Still, I can't stand inflicting her the pain she caused me. I'm still a man..and supposedly a gentleman.
" Uhm, we'll go ahead now, Tsubasa-senpai, Sorry again," Yuu spoke breaking the eerie silence. I wasn't sure how they saw my face. And I didn't even know how I looked ,and how I painted my mask to conceal what was to be hidden from them.
Suddenly, I found myself comforting Nanoko, resting my hand on her shoulder, rubbing it with warmth. I was wearing a worried expression and well, regrets.
Hell, if only crying could be made easier for me, then I would have done it for the umpteenth time.
" Iie, it's okay. I'm sorry. I hope you understand. It's not that easy. But I really never intended to pass this hatred on you. You are my kouhais and that's one thing that would never change. Whatever worse may happen," there. I couldn't really resist them. I felt guilt looming over me. But that statement shouldn't be called that. That was a bluff. Nothing worse than that, could ever happen to me. Nothing. It was the worst of all the worst.
In a minute, we were in a group hug. Companions really are great to be with. Too bad, as a companion yourself, you can't simply drag them down into the ocean of despair you're feeling. You have to be their savior, their protector even though, you yourself don't have someone who can be those you want and need to be.
"Merry Christmas and Happy New Year, then!" I finally said. Though it ached me hearing myself saying those, for them, I needed to be happy. I never wanted to be selfish especially when it concerned them. The bond that had tied us together during the old times in the academy was so strong that any kind of internal or external force couldn't pull us apart.
They continued their way and I also did. Could you believe that they are already together? Yes, Anna and Yuu, Koko and Nanoko, Sumire and Mochu. They had a triple wedding. I'm so happy for them. I was at their wedding last year. No, we were. And I even wished that we would also be marching down the aisle toward the altar when the right time comes.
I actually planned when that right time would be, I made everything set so that when it came…only a plain yes would be needed. But who would have thought that even that smallest and easiest thing in my vision could mean a lot to me…could end the whole of me.
As I was treading my path..not sure where I was headed. I saw Ruka and Hotaru. Would you believe that..Hotaru was five-month pregnant? At last, she and Ruka ended up together and now starting a life together. I remember the Love Square! Natsume and Mikan, Hotaru and Ruka.
When the dread-filled times were over, a connection suddenly sparked between the two of them. Well, of course, Hotaru never opened it up to anyone except to Mikan, of course. All I knew was she was fond of taking pictures of Ruka for money's sake. But I've since got a hint that Ruka had some feelings for her.
It was great for Ruka to have a second chance on this matter even when he seemed to give up the moment Mikan rejected his confession because of Natsume. It was a luck..no, a blessing for him to have Hotaru there by his side during his times of despair. I knew how hard it was for him to recover from the injury of not having someone you love, but Hotaru was on time to save him from drowning.
Though, their love story..even that Courting part was really one of a kind. Hotaru wouldn't be moved! Good thing, they ended up together.
Bad for me, I'm alone. As a senpai, isn't it awkward that I don't have my family yet when all my kouhais are already on the way of having their children?
Anyway, in this span of time, for almost a year, I know I should be making a family with my girl. Lots of those are drooling over me..here and there..everywhere! Just a minute ago, I swear I saw one winking at me but I just gave her a straight face.
It was my fault for waiting. I really don't know why I force myself to wait even when my senses know there is no one to wait. She would never look at my way the way she did once. Or perhaps she never did, I was just envisioning everything to satisfy what I need. How pity of me!
"Oh, Senpai..how are you?" Ruka began while holding out an umbrella for Hotaru. Well, it was not snowing that hard actually.
" Uhm..good, How about you? I missed the two of you. How's life? And how's baby?" I talked fast. Not wanting to linger on the topic of how I was. That would be pointless. If you could only see them, they're so cute to be together. Hell, it reminded me again when people used to say we're cute to be together.
Hell, if only cuteness could bring two people down the aisle and make them exchange their vows, then I wouldn't have any problem today.
Silly, what am I even thinking? Blaming everything. Why could I simply not blame myself for rushing to be with her? What's wrong with that? I love her so much, and I thought she loved me that much, too so basically I made things speed up a bit. I wanted to be with her for the rest of my life. No one had ever warned that she didn't want to be with me, so where was my fault there?
Wasn't she the one at fault?
But blaming is useless. It won't bring her back to me. Even if I kill myself right now after that blaming process, I doubt she would care.
Why do I feel so nostalgic? Maybe because, I'm alone.
"We missed you, too, Senpai. Yeah, we're fine…working it out," Hotaru said. I knew that she understood me. She could still sense that there was something wrong with me. Man, she's a genius!
I knew that the gender of the baby wouldn't be known until eight months…but I was excited to know! I wanted to be one of the godfathers! I wanted to suggest names.
It reminded me, listing baby names was one of my hobbies when we were still together. I became an expert in mixing people's name like ours: Tsubasa + Misaki = Tsuki, Tsubaki, Saki, Sami, Sumi, Misa, and a lot more. Once, I showed her the list yet she didn't show any sign of admiration or appreciation. It even drained the color of her face.
Putting it that way, I realized…she wasn't ready after all.
" So, is it a girl or a boy?"
" Senpai, you are the second person to ask that and it won't-" Hotaru replied dryly.
" Yeah, I know eight months! C'mon..just excited," I managed to chuckle. It has been a long time since I did this. Well, after that incident, I decided to put my humor aside, since I didn't think it would do any good to me considering my situation. And I felt like I didn't deserve it anymore since the reason I was keeping it up was no longer here to notice it.
" Well then, Senpai, I think you have a date so we're-" Ruka started. I didn't know if he meant that joke or it was purely joke.
" Nah, don't have. This isn't my lucky year. Yeah, you better get going, Your wife might get stressed. So, call me when the baby comes out! Congratulations! Be a good husband, huh!" I said these in a carefree manner like a Senpai giving pieces of advice professionally to my student who is a neophyte in the world of my expertise…marriage life. And I don't even have one.
" Of course, Senpai!" Ruka replied and smiled as he led Hotaru continue their way.
Now who else would be here to talk to?
Suddenly, I saw Mikan and Natsume together, walking as they held hands! So, forgiveness visited them! I could still remember their story, that broken wedding. Yet, I was so insistent in asking the help of Mikan for my wedding proposal. She helped me a lot in making the preparations. From talking to different persons, visualizing the surprise proposal to actually materializing it.
But it didn't turn out the way we expected it. Or at least the way I did.
" Senpai!" Mikan came to me and hugged me tight. I smiled genuinely and tapped her head and hugged her back. I'm happy she already found the love she yearned for so long.
" Oi, you're hugging her too tight," Natsume remarked. Geez, he never changed. As if one simple hug would take Mikan away from him.
Mikan broke from the hug and faced Natsume," Natsume!" she pouted. As always, she never got rid of that habit.
" So, tell me your story. What happened?" Again, I was so excited to know what happened, how they fixed everything. I was again excited to mind other people's business.
" Well, it's a long story, Senpai," Mikan chuckled.
" You wouldn't want to know," Natsume added coolly.
Mikan pinched his cheek, " Afraid of telling the whole world how cheesy you were when you apologized?" and then she smiled inwardly.
Natsume just sulked. So it was confirmed, he really got cheesy. Good thing, I was able to contain my laugh or else I'm a fried chicken now.
I was aware it was wrong but then I envied them. I envied them for being so happy at this season..at this very special moment when everybody deserves it. And I believe, I deserve it, too. Only, I couldn't have it right now.
Maybe Mikan noticed that my mood changed that she decided to say goodbye.
" Senpai, we better get going. Oh and just incase you have time, you could drop by at the Central Park. You can enjoy your New Year's Eve there if you want ! Happy New Year!"
And off they went.
I was too stunned to reply. I was frozen in place when she mentioned that place. I really wondered how she could have said it when she knew that..that was the place of that heartrending incident. I could not even react to her 'Happy New Year!' I couldn't understand what I was feeling.
Still, I am desperate to be happy. There is no harm in trying anyway. Perhaps, a party will be held there where everybody is invited for free until the countdown. I think, I might as well check it out.
I started my pace towards that tragic site.
I let my memories refresh what happened that day.
" Misaki, I know it's still too early but please marry me," I showed her a diamond ring while kneeling infront of her.
I saw tears at the brim of her eyes. And I was relieved to see those because according to one of the books I read, that is a good sign that the girl will say 'yes'. According to the book, those are tears of joy which means the girl was touched by your confession that she wouldn't even have the heart to let you down.
" Tsubasa….I…I," Misaki trailed off. She was crying and sniffling.
Would she say ' I do'?
Since that was what I presumed, I hugged her because of overflowing joy and contentment I was feeling but she shoved me away.
" Tsubasa, this is too much. I'm not sure what I'm feeling. I have my dreams. I don't know if I love you because I really do or just because you love me too much. Tsubasa….I don't think I can love you the way you love me. I don't deserve you, I'm sorry," with that she walked away..leaving me alone forever.
I shouldn't have been blind. I knew it all along. Even back to the day I confessed to her, she really didn't say that she loved me, too. She just thanked me for my love.
It was I who concluded that we were what I thought we were..a couple. I thought since we were best friends, that would be easier for me to have her someone more than that. I thought she also had developed "un-friendly" feelings for me.
There were also times, she wanted to open up like she wanted to admit something I should know but I kept on dismissing her, making excuses for me not to hear any word about what she had to say.
I never opened my eyes to see the truth revealing itself right infront of my eyes.
I was the one at fault. Maybe she never meant to hurt me, she was just seeking for her freedom but I refused to give it to her. See, I was the one at fault.
If I had given what she wanted from the start, I would have been left unscathed.
Perhaps, I should also apologize for what I did and didn't.
Finally, I'm here. Where is the party? There's no living soul here except me.
Everything is silent.
In the center, I found the fountain. Wonderful! That was a part of the scene with the violinists all around us and the elegant lightings and the…oh I don't want to remember those.
Out of the blue, I heard someone whimpering. When I looked for the source, I found her. Hell, she's just standing inches away from me and I didn't even notice!
Misaki!
Why is she crying? Who the hell did that?
" Misaki? Why are you here..and crying?" I wanted to touch her shoulder but I moved my hand away. I would never know if she would want me to still do it the way I used to when we were still best friends and ex-couples.
" Do you care?" she faced me..and she looked really devastated. I would really punch that someone who did this to her. That jerk, how could he?
" Of course I care Misaki! Now, tell me who that jerk is and I'll kill him! Right now!" I said with an infuriating voice.
" Tsubasa, you still love me, don't you?"
I couldn't give an answer. Yes?
I noticed her crying harder and really it was getting into me. I didn't know where we were getting at.
I hugged her. I didn't know why I did but I just felt like it was a must and a need. She needed comfort.
"Shh, don't worry. I'm here now, I'll kick that jerk for you. Who does he think he is? He can't just hurt you like that!" I started caressing her hair.
" Tsubasa, I'm so sorry for letting you down. I'm sorry, I shouldn't have let you go," she snuggled closer.
" Misaki, are you drunk? Look, it's getting late, I think I should get you home. C'mon," I started grabbing her wrist but she stopped me and hugged me tighter than before.
Just what on earth is she doing?
" Tsubasa, I get it now. I realized what I lost when I walked away from you. I was not able to love you as much as you did but I promise I'll-" she sounded so desperate.
" Misaki, you don't need to. I know my mistake. I should be the one saying sorry for not giving you the freedom you need. And I understand why you did that. I forced you to love me. Don't worry. That's the past already. We can stay friends, you don't need to brood over things like that. It's ok," yeah, I know..it's ok. It should be. I never wanted seeing her hurt like this.
" No, Tsubasa, I wanted it the way before..please, give me one more chance to prove it. It was never your fault. Tsubasa, I want us,"
" But Misaki, we can't be. It's over now,"
She hugged me tight.
" I know it's kinda late but I Love You, Tsubasa. I thought this was nothing but I couldn't stand the pain of losing you. I miss you, I need you,"
She sounded so sincere and my heart..well, it's telling me that I should as well forgive and forget and start over.
" Promise? So when I propose, you won't run away for the second time around?" I chuckled.
" Of course not!"
" Well then, Misaki, will you marry me? Now?" I was actually joking.
" Yes, Tsubasa, Yes! I love you!" she hugged me again and she was very happy. guess, she took it seriously.
" Well then, Misaki, I Love You!" I hugged her back and kissed the crown of her head.
" Still, my love is deeper than any hatred I feel for you"
The ending was kinda rush because we have to celebrate New Year now! Few more minutes and it''ll be twelve so I better submit this. I'll edit this next time!Leave a review~!Thanks!
Edited: Jan.1,2011- forgot to do the spacing and the quote..hell
Jan 2,2011- mistyped words...next time i'll make this clear..it's Mikan's plan..the two of them meeting together at the park!