Disclaimer: I don't own the Hunger Games.
Spoilers for the entire series, right up to the epilogue.
A/N: I really wanted to give Annie a hug by the end of Mockingjay. Kind of jumps around through the timeline. It basically chronicles Annie's pregnancy and the early years of childrearing.
Summary: She knew what people said about her. How dare she, the mad girl, be so selfish? But she ignored them all; because she knew what she was doing was right. Annie-centric. Finnick/Annie. One-shot.
In the Silence, I Heard Screams
The first time she feels that flutter inside her, she could admit, she forgets about reality.
"Finnick!" She cries, her grin growing to outrageous proportions, and her eyes fluttering madly to keep her tears of joy within. She wants to share this moment with him. He deserves this moment, after everything he's done to make sure they can be together.
She jumps up from her bed and the smell of antiseptic hits her nose. Her smile falters. This is not her home with Finnick. This is a hospital. One of those yucky rooms in that horrid District Thirteen. The air is so rank, so impure, so unlike District Four, that she always had the urge to throw up. It was one of the reasons why her nausea didn't translate into morning sickness until Finnick left with the Star Squad to fight the bad men in the Capitol.
Her smile falls completely.
Now she remembers. She is in the hospital because Finnick is... gone.
...
It's night, and she's walking with that sweet girl Prim.
It's almost natural for them to be friends. Prim's beloved sister is a Victor. Annie's beloved husband is a Victor. Annie, herself, is technically also a Victor but no one likes to remind her of it.
They have just reached Prim's home when her mother bursts out, her face streaked with tears. "Prim!" The agony in her voice is nearly heartbreaking, even to Annie who doesn't know her very well.
Prim must understand something Annie cannot, because she runs to her mother, her face reflecting nothing but inner strength, and wraps her arms around her. Actually, that isn't true. Annie must understand something as well, because even now a cold feeling overtakes her. Prim leads her mother inside, leaving the door open, and slowly Annie follows.
It doesn't take long to realize what has happened. On the TV is a Capitol announcement, and they are announcing the deaths of the entire Star Squad... Finnick.
It takes a moment, and Prim's worried glances, for her to realize she's not breathing. It's strange. Usually, whenever she feels like this, so utterly hopeless, she screams. Now she can't. She can't do anything. She can't breathe, she can't think, she can't even stand.
"Annie!" Prim cries, leaving her mother long enough to reach for her, to try to guide her to breathe evenly.
Maybe it's lucky that she's there. Her suffering helps both Everdeen women forget their own as they try to help her.
...
It's pure luck that both Prim and her mother are some of the greatest medics that she has ever known. They help her relax enough so that they don't have to take her to the hospital.
She hasn't spoken since the announcement. She doesn't know if she ever will again. She wants to call for Finnick, but what's the point if he can't hear her?
Mrs. Everdeen is the one that notices, maybe because she's had two girls of her own. She's the only one that can tell the difference between her nausea caused by her dislike of the District, her grief, and the baby growing in her belly. When she first tells her, she's shocked. She didn't think it was possible. She knew what it took to make a baby, but she never thought that she would have one.
After the shock fades away, she smiles slowly. "Finnick," she says, wrapping her arms around her womb.
Mrs. Everdeen smiles a bittersweet smile. "Yes, it's like a little piece of them." She explains and her eyes turn blank, her mind far away, much like Annie's most of the time. "Be sure to take good care of it."
She doesn't know what to say to that, doesn't understand the back story to that statement, and Mrs. Everdeen deflects the conversation quickly. Reminding her that she has much to plan for!
Slowly, with the baby to think about, she begins to thaw a bit. She thinks Finnick would be happy, that this treasure growing within her is one final gift of happiness that he has bequeathed to her. With that thought, she accompanies Mrs. Everdeen as Prim leaves with the medical corps.
Prim is much too young, she thinks, but smiles and waves anyway. Prim is radiant and proud as she walks to the hovercraft. There is more of Katniss in her than anyone has been willing to accept.
"Except it's not about vengeance for her," Mrs. Everdeen says, "It's about hope."
And that's where Prim differs from everyone else fighting in the war. Katniss, and even Finnick, wanted vengeance for everything the Capitol had done to them and everyone around them.
"I'm doing this for you," Finnick had told her just before he left, but that was only half true. Yes, he'd wanted a future with her, but he'd wanted to make the Capitol pay for what they'd done to her. For taking the person he loved, beautiful and shining, and turning her into a broken person; the poor, mad girl that everyone pitied.
She hoped her child would be like Prim. That they'd live for hope and life more than vengeance and anger. If it's a girl, she thinks as she pets her still flat stomach, I'll name her Primrose.
...
The explosion on TV is unbelievable. She means that literally. She cannot believe it. Because there were children in that blast, and the medical corps. Prim was in that blast. And then in the aftermath, as announcers tried to get a grip of things, bits of news fly in. Members of the Star Squad have survived.
Katniss Everdeen. Peeta Mellark. Gale Hawthorne.
Not Finnick. Not Finnick. Not Finnick.
One would think it'd be easier to hear about his death the second time. But she'd gotten her hopes up. Finnick was so strong! He had won his Games so easily when he was young. If there was any chance that he had survived, then he must have!
But then no matter how much information passes, his name never comes up. He was dead, officially and irrevocably.
Now she is screaming. She is tearing at her hair and scratching at her face and screaming nonsense. And now this time Mrs. Everdeen can't help, because she's crying too, so she's shipped off to the hospital.
...
Johanna Mason visits her one day. They aren't friends, Annie always thought she was too scary, but Finnick liked her, so she tries her best to be brave.
"I'm leaving today." She says, "Back to District Seven."
Annie still can't speak well, but she smiles as best she can. "Good."
Johanna snorts rudely. "Wow, you really are as good as he always said." At the mention - the implication - of Finnick, Annie tenses and tears prick at her eyes. Even Johanna, as rude and uncaring as she presents herself to be, seems to regret her word choice a bit. She shifts uncomfortably, "I just mean you don't have to pretend to be alright with this. They shouldn't have the right to keep you here."
District Thirteen had just sort of claimed her. She has no family to speak of, and they have no Victors. It was an inevitability.
She never thought she had a choice in the matter.
"The sea." She says. She still hates the smell of processed air. She misses the scent of the salty sea, and she wants the first breath her baby takes to be of the sea.
She has no way of saying this, of explaining why it's so important, but somehow Johanna understands. "I'll make sure you get back home."
She thinks maybe she understands why Finnick liked her.
...
Sometimes, she dreams of the Quarter Quell.
Not of that horrifying moment when she was reaped and she thought she might have to go back into the Games. As long as she lived, she could never express her gratitude to Mags - wonderful, blessed Mags - for taking her place. As horrifying as that moment was, as much as that moment haunted her in her waking moments, she did not dream of it anymore.
Instead, she dreamt of the interview, of Finnick reading that poem for his "one true love." All those Capitol women thought it was for them. Most of the District women must have been sure it was intended for some Capitol girl. So few people knew of their relationship before they got married.
But she knew. She knew that the poem he was reading so passionately was meant for her and her alone. She had hung onto his every word and memorized it.
She dreams of that poem, of Finnick declaring his love for her for the entire world to hear.
When she wakes up, she whispers the words to her protruding belly.
...
When they ask her to vote for another Hunger Games, she immediately votes no. Maybe it's because she's going to be a mother, or because she remember her own Games much too clearly, but she can't even think of voting yes. Capitol children are still children. Finnick would agree with her, she's sure, but Finnick's not there and she can't vote for him.
When the vote ends four to three in favor of the Games, she is disgusted.
She can't believe that Victors, people who have gone through the Games themselves, would wish that horror on anyone else. Especially Katniss. How could someone related to Prim be so cruel? She avoids them all and stands amongst the crowd at Snow's execution.
When Katniss kills Coin, she smiles.
When she finds out what Coin did to Prim and all those other children, she applauds her for it.
...
Johanna keeps her word.
One day, Annie wakes up to the sound of shrieking. There's a woman shouting expletives so loud, all of Thirteen must hear it. The door bursts open and in marches Johanna.
A nurse is just a few steps behind her, pleading for reason and calm. Johanna ignores him.
"We're leaving." She spits out in Annie's direction, and even though she reminds her of all the reasons she used to fear her, she jumps up as best she can with her belly. She slips her feet into the hospital slippers and grabs a nearby coat.
She follows Johanna without a word.
...
She moves into Finnick's house in the Victor's Village in Four.
When she arrives, the District makes a big deal out of it. So many Victors joined the rebellion and died for their cause. As it turns out, she's the only Victor they have left. She wouldn't be their first choice, but she is their first choice's wife, and the mother of his child. Her belly is already big by the time she arrives.
Despite their cheering, she sees their eyes linger on her belly for too long. She supposes that even then she should have been worried.
But she ignores the entire world as she walks into Finnick's home. She goes straight to his room, to their bed, and buries herself in the blankets. If she tries hard enough, she can still smell him.
Because of the Capitol sharing all their resources, she finds that she can do everything from home. She can order groceries and everything for the baby from a computer. People come and paint the nursery - blue with wallpapers of seashells - with just a phone call. The sea is near enough that she is satisfied simply sitting by an open window.
With all this being so easy, she doesn't step out of her home until she gives birth.
...
Baby Odair, as the press was calling him, was a celebrity the second he was born.
The nurses warned her about the paparazzi waiting for her outside. Thanks to patient privilege, they weren't allowed in her room - or anywhere near it, the Finnick Fan Girls on the staff made very sure that his progeny would enter the world in peace - but once she stepped outside, everything was fair game.
She bundles her baby in the blue blankets the hospital let her keep and braces herself as she steps outside. But she wasn't ready.
The minute the lights begins flashing in her eyes, she begins to panic. They are surrounding her from all sides and all she can remember are the Games, being surrounded by the other tributes, watching her fellow Four tribute die.
She screams and clutches her son to her chest. This was a mistake. One of the reporters screams! "She's suffocating the baby!"
She doesn't understand. How could anyone believe she could hurt her baby? But this new scandal is even better than a joyous event and the cameras come even closer.
She screams and screams, and holds her son tighter, hiding his face from view, his cries mixing with her own, until security comes out and pulls her back into the building.
Brokenly, she tries to explain that she was only trying to protect him. The doctors take pity on her and take her home in a private car.
There is not a single photo of Baby Odair to be found.
...
She decides that if anyone should see Finnick's son, it should be Finnick's friends.
She orders a camera online and waits for it to be delivered. If she had been reluctant to go out before, it was even worse now. The paparazzi are still waiting for a chance to sneak a peek at Baby Odair, and they never gave up. She keeps the curtains drawn at all times and she checks every entrance once an hour.
She realizes that the last time she was this paranoid was at her Games, but she chooses to ignore that bit of wisdom.
When the camera finally arrives, she is reluctant to take a picture. It is foolish to think that by taking a picture she is lessening the amount of protection she can provide her child, but she can't help it. When she finally takes the picture, however, she can't seem to stop. Every gurgle, every movement is a precious moment she never wants to forget. By the end of the day, she has an entire album's worth of pictures.
She picks the best one - a full body picture, in his little footie pajamas, his green eyes open - and sends a copy to everyone she knows stood by Finnick when he needed them. Katniss, Johanna, Gale, and even Mrs. Everdeen since she stood by her. Annie is grateful she didn't have a girl; she doesn't know how Mrs. Everdeen would react to a picture of a baby Primrose arriving one day.
With the picture is a note. It is a simple message: This is Finnick Odair II. She couldn't choose any other name - she had about a dozen she liked - when she saw him. Except for his eyes, her green eyes, he looks just like his father. She hopes he'll be as good and brave.
...
It is not uncommon in District Four, to teach a baby to swim before they can even walk. Babies, they found, instinctually know how to swim when submerged in water. Still, no parent would leave their child unattended. Annie is no different.
After she's sure the important people have seen Finny first, and she feels confident that he's old enough, she takes him to the shore.
It's empty enough. Even without Peacekeepers restricting their movements, most people avoid the Victor's Village and the part of the beach they called "private." Some deep ingrained message, she supposes, that will take much longer to get rid of.
She smiles as she steps into the water. It is warm enough for Finny to be comfortable, and it's the first time since before the Quell she's gone to the sea. It is perfect.
She can still remember Finnick calling her his mermaid; said she was more comfortable at sea than on land. The water was her salvation, and every time she stepped into it, it felt like she was being cleansed. She wants Finny to love the sea as much as she does, so she's very gentle as she places him in the water.
He giggles, and she thinks it's the first time she's heard him make the sound. She smiles proudly, but then there's a flash and reporters are running towards her.
Again, she clutches Finny to her chest and runs for the house as fast as she can. She doesn't stop for the sundress she wore over her bathing suit. She can hear the reporters shouting questions at her but she ignores them all.
Later that night, the news declares they have the first photos of Baby Odair. The commentary also adds that "the mad girl" was trying to drown her son. An argument breaks out debating Annie's fitness to be a mother. One side says she was simply misguided because of her ailment, the other side claims that because of her ailment she shouldn't be allowed to be a mother. Much later, a District Four resident gives a video conference explaining the tradition of teaching babies to swim before they walk, and that what Annie did was not strange by their standards, but by then it is too late. The damage is done.
Annie holds Finny in her arms that night and repeats Finnick's poem again and again. She doesn't sleep a wink.
...
One day, she wakes up to the sounds of Finny shrieking. His little lungs are being pushed to their limits, but he doesn't seem to mind as his skin turns red from the effort.
She feeds him, changes him, and tries to rock him into tranquility but nothing works. She wants to rip her hair out from frustration, and she can feel the screams start to build in the back of her throat, but she resists. She has to be stronger now than she ever has before.
She doesn't know what to do. She has no one to talk to. No family, no friends. She doesn't know if Finny is being fussy or if he's actually sick. If he's not and she takes him to the hospital, that's one more thing against her. But if he is and she doesn't... She wishes Finnick was here.
Somehow, the name comes to her mind unbidden. She runs to the phone and dials the number.
"Hello?" She's sure the confusion is due to the incessant wailing so close to the receiver.
"Mrs. Everdeen!" She cries in relief, and even to her own ears she sounds young and scared, "Finny won't stop crying."
Silence for a second, and then, "Tell me exactly what's wrong with him, Annie."
It turns out to be a minor ear infection, nothing serious but something she should take him to see a doctor for. Luckily, Mrs. Everdeen had moved to Four and she volunteers her services, seemingly knowing why she is reluctant to go to the hospital. Annie thanks Mrs. Everdeen and finds it funny that she called her like she always thought she'd be calling her mom when she had her own kids. Of course, both her parents died shortly after her Games. Finnick never explained exactly what happened...
She is glad she is calm enough to look out for and avoid any hidden paparazzi.
...
When Finny turns one, she wants to throw him a party. Her parents always threw one for her, and after they were gone Finnick continued the tradition. She supposes that's what parents do for their beloved children.
It doesn't work out like she hopes it will.
Johanna is as rude as always, but Annie has learned to accept that. Katniss arrives in a group that includes her drunkard mentor - who hasn't stopped his drinking, apparently - and Peeta. Peeta still scares her. Everyone tries to convince her he's back to normal, but she doesn't know what "normal" is for him. Besides, whenever she sees him and Johanna together she remembers when the Capitol captured her and tortured her.
Before she knows it, she's locked herself into a closet and she's covering her ears in order to stop her own screams. She doesn't even know where Finny is. The realization makes her scream even louder. She suddenly gets the idea that she's lost him forever, and that makes her more scared than she ever has been in her entire life.
It takes both Everdeen women to coax her out of her confinement. Mrs. Everdeen hugs her close and pets her hair. She calls her "darling" like her own mother used to as she tries to cease her crying. Katniss is holding Finny, and he is surprisingly calm. Usually, he cries along with her.
Then she notices that Katniss is slightly swaying and humming barely audibly, keeping the baby perfectly content. "There now," She says, "Everything's okay, right?"
She nods fiercely and reaches out for her son. Katniss smiles - actually smiles - before handing Finny over. Mrs. Everdeen helps her to her feet. She realizes that neither of them doubts her abilities as a mother and she is immensely grateful.
Later, when the party is over, Katniss brushes her hand over Finny's hair and offers another one of her rare smiles to Annie. It is supportive, and Annie thinks it looks a lot like Prim's. And it is then that she realizes that there is more of Prim in her than anyone has been willing to accept.
...
Finny is a fussy baby. He cries any chance he gets. Annie does not mind the noise. It's those rare moments that he's quiet that scare the living daylights out of her.
When he's quiet, she needs to watch him every second until he starts fussing again. Despite watching his chest rise and fall, she can't help but worry. In the silence, she can hear screams. The screams of the tributes as they drowned in the 70th Hunger Games, the screams of Johanna and Peeta and even her own from their time imprisoned, the screams Finnick and Prim must have made as they died.
All those screams in her head were signals of death, but Finny's screams are signals of life. As long as he's crying, she can be sure he's alive. And if his screams ever get particularly bad, she has Mrs. Everdeen to help her.
…
"Mama, I wan' a sandwich."
Annie nearly drops her glass of water. It's the first time that Finny has ever spoken, and it is an entire sentence. Everyone had been worried about his lack of speech. According to anyone who came across her, children started speaking at age one. Even Mrs. Everdeen, who was always very careful to not give Annie any reason to doubt her capabilities as a mother, had to reluctantly admit that it was the general rule.
Finny was almost two and he never said a word, just sort of grunted and whined and pulled on her skirt until she understood what he wanted. A man from "child protective services" came one day and talked to Finny. He later explained to Annie that they wanted to make sure that he didn't have any developmental problems. He squeezed her shoulder and smiled, "He's perfectly fine."
Annie had just played with her hands and nodded at his words. All she could think was that someone had to have called them. They didn't just go door to door checking the development of all children.
She had spent months worrying about Finny's lack of speech. But it seemed that it wasn't that he didn't know how to speak, he just never had any cause. Apparently, he had been soaking up every word and learning them.
"Please, mama," he tugs on her skirt and she realizes she has been staring at him in a nonresponsive state.
"Of course!" She hurries to the kitchen, as if afraid that if this sandwich doesn't get made he'll stop talking. "What type of sandwich would you like?"
Later, Mrs. Everdeen tells her that perhaps Finny simply never felt the need to talk. Annie is inordinately quiet, and she always understood what he meant without words, he must have thought that not speaking was the norm. It was probably the fact that Mrs. Everdeen, at Annie's insistence, came over every day to help take care of him and talked to him all the time that finally helped him realize that speech is important.
…
It's not until Finny is three that she's perfectly comfortable taking him around the district. And even then, it's only because he's become a bundle of untamable energy that simply cannot be contained in their home.
Mrs. Everdeen joins her on one of their walks on the beach one particular day, and later she could not be happier about it.
Somehow, a reporter made it past her constant vigil. She doesn't realize this until she hears Finny cry, having tripped from running from the reporter. His knee is skinned, and she sees blood pouring down it. And suddenly, she's not on the beach, she's in the arena in the 70th Hunger Games and her fellow Four Tribute - her friend - is being murdered in front of her. And she reacts just as she did last time.
With a cry of grief and rage, she launches herself at the attacker. She tackles him to the ground and she pounds her fist into every inch of flesh she can find. She doesn't have a knife - not like last time - but if the sounds of pain are any indicator, she doesn't need one.
Mrs. Everdeen tries to stop her. She feebly pulls on her arms and tells her that she's scaring Finny. Despite that, she can't seem to stop, and Mrs. Everdeen is forced to yank her by the hair so that the pain wakes her up. She tastes sand, and wonders how she never knew Mrs. Everdeen is so strong.
"A mother's instinct." Mrs. Everdeen shrugs, afterwards, when she has healed the reporter and threatened him against ever mentioning the incident. "I'm not so strong."
But Annie's not listening because she's too busy crying, because even if she doesn't realize it, she just referred to Annie as her daughter.
...
When Finny is five, Annie realizes she has to take him to school. Which means she will be parted from him for longer than she ever has been, even if she will get him back at the end of the day.
She hyperventilates and smothers her screams in her pillow the night before the first day of school.
The morning of, her eyes are red and her smile is shaky, but she takes him to the building that will allegedly teach him all the things she can't. She doesn't believe it, but she doesn't need any more reasons to have child services people showing up on her doorstep.
Mrs. Everdeen is with her every step of the way, and when they reach the large double doors of the school, she squeezes her shoulder supportively and steps to the side to give them privacy.
Annie kneels so that she is at eye level with her son. His bright green eyes look into her frightened ones. She sees so much of his father in him. But, she thinks, there is some of her – the bright and beautiful one from before the Games – in there too. And some of Prim in his sweet manner, and some of Mrs. Everdeen in his intelligence, and of Katniss and Johanna in the brave way he's facing school as another challenge.
She smiles brightly and pulls him into a tight hug. "Good luck. Remember, I love you very much."
Finny hugs back just as fiercely. He is not like other little boys who shy away from their mothers' affections. When he pulls back he smiles in a way that is all his own, "I love you too, mama!"
Before he turns away he adds, "See you later, Grandma!"
Mrs. Everdeen smiles a bittersweet smile, "Bye, darling."
Annie stands and waves until he's in the building and can no longer see her. When she turns to leave back home with Mrs. Everdeen she sees people quickly look away from her. She knows what people say about her. How dare she, the mad girl, be so selfish? How could she keep Finnick's child when her very presence was a danger to him? When any little thing may set her off and she could harm him?
But she ignores them all; because she knows what she is doing is right. She is being a mother to her child, the final gift the love of her life gave her. There is no way that can be wrong, and there is no way she would ever hurt her son. She would die before she let anything happen to him.
She holds her head high and smiles.
…
"Annie will have baby!" She declares, and Finnick stops what he's doing to stare at her.
He smiles crookedly, unsure of what to say. He should have known this was coming. They had passed by a daycare earlier in the day and Annie had practically glued herself to the doorway and stared at the babies until the teacher had kindly asked them to move on.
"Are you sure?" He asks tentatively. He knows Annie knows what that entails, and Annie can be stubborn when she wants to be, but there's a difference between having a baby and caring for it. He has no doubt that the two of them can do it, but he wants her to be sure as well.
She frowns in that adorable manner she does when she wants to prove a point, "Yes, Annie will have Finnick's baby."
He smiles, delighted at the prospect. "Okay. But first I have to go beat the bad men in the Capitol. When I get back, we can get started on that."
"Promise?"
"I promise. I will give you a baby."
And Finnick Odair never broke a promise he gave to Annie Cresta.
A/N: Wow, longest one-shot I've ever written! And it would have been longer, but I waited too long between scenes and I kinda lost the flow. I actually like Annie a whole lot more than when this started.
I have no idea where the Annie/Mrs. Everdeen friendship came from! Initially, she was just going to call her in the sick scene and Mrs. Everdeen was going to give her advice and that was it. But then I thought, "Wait, she's in Four, and she's a doctor that'll sympathize with her!" Honestly, my head canon now says Mrs. Everdeen became family to Annie and her son.
I was thinking about making this into a multi-chaptered fic, changing certain things of course, since I like the idea of Annie post-war and how she deals with it all.
Let me know if anybody would actually care to read that.
As always, review to tell me what you liked, what you thought could use improvement, or just to say hello!
~ Destiny's Sweet Melody!