A/N: This is set during the Power of Madonna episode. It is a one-shot so there won't be any more to it. The song, of course, is 4 Minutes by Madonna.
Any Minute Now
Finn drifted from class to class without really caring about anything. He felt like a zombie and not one of those really cool ones either. He had slept with Santana… lost his V card… and he felt nothing. God! Why did he do that?
But he knew why. He was mad at Rachel and wanted to make her jealous. Not that it worked. When it came down to it, he didn't even tell her. He couldn't.
Why was he so confused? When he was with Rachel, he didn't want to be. All he could think of was getting away from her. Now that she had moved on, he just thought about how much he missed her. Did he even know what he wanted? He liked Rachel. A lot, but sometimes she was just so annoying, and she just didn't seem to care about anyone else but herself.
And his day had just gotten worse. He had gone to Glee practice thinking it might help him feel better. He loved singing, and it usually cheered him up.
So he was even a little excited… until Mr. Schue announced that Jesse St. James was joining New Directions.
Everyone really seemed to be out to hurt his feelings! What had he done to them?
He was angry then… really angry.
And so when he went to the basketball game, he was a little more aggressive than usual. It made him miss football and how he could tackle and push and no one cared. Not so much with basketball. It was not really surprising when he fouled out during the first half.
As he sat on the bench, trying to get himself together, the half-time show came on. He didn't pay much attention to it. When Quinn was a Cheerio, and they were going out, he always watched. But now… he definitely felt no allegiance to Santana.
But then he heard the singing, and that got his attention. They didn't usually sing. And he knew those voices, one in particular. That was when he saw them… Mercedes and Kurt, both in Cheerio uniforms. When did this happen? Not that he had time to think. He was distracted by the sight of Kurt dancing… and singing lower than he had ever heard him.
And before the routine was even over, he had to leave. He couldn't take it anymore. He walked toward the lockers, his back to the crowd and the performers. He was more confused than ever.
***
The last strains of Like a Prayer filled the air. They had been really good. It had been an amazing performance. Kurt had even gotten a solo part. Of course it hadn't been very big, but still… maybe Mr. Schue was going to take them seriously now.
Kurt should have been on top of the world. He and Mercedes had killed the performance of 4 Minutes during the basketball game. The crowd had gone wild. Cheering for them. Cheering for him.
He had even felt some satisfaction at the hurt look on Mr. Schue's face. They hadn't told him they were joining the Cheerios, but how many times had he given Rachel most of the solo's. Kurt's dad had to actually go to the school and threaten them for him to even get a chance at singing Defying Gravity.
So when Coach Sylvester had made the suggestion, they had jumped at the chance. Could he help it if the two teachers were mortal enemies? And he really didn't care. That was their problem.
So yes, he should have been happy. But he wasn't. He couldn't get the picture of Finn leaving during their performance at the game out of his mind. The other boy seemed angry. Was he mad that Kurt had joined the Cheerios? That thought made Kurt even more upset.
After everything that had happened, Finn had no right to be angry at him. The other boy had not only gone back and forth with Rachel but, if rumors were to be believed, he had slept with Santana, actually losing his virginity to her. The Latina had announced it to Coach Sylvester with some pride so it really was more than a rumor, but he didn't trust the girl. At all. The point was… Finn had no say in what he did with his life.
As he mulled over these thoughts, he noticed everyone was almost gone from the auditorium. Mercedes approached him with a smile on her face.
"Hey, are you ready to go?" They usually walked out together, but today he really wanted to be alone.
"You go on…"
"Are you okay, Kurt?"
"Yes… fine." He gave her a small smile to emphasize his point.
"Okay," she said. "I'll see you tomorrow."
He nodded and watched as she left with Tina and Artie. Then Kurt wandered backstage behind the curtains; he wanted to be alone with his thoughts. He stood with his back against the wall, wondering once again when he would get over Finn and his stupid crush. He knew he had no chance with the other boy. If it wasn't obvious before, it was crystal clear now. He banged the back of his head against the wall. Not hard enough to hurt but hopefully enough to knock some sense into him. He was determined not to let his feelings for Finn rule his life.
"Don't hurt yourself."
He turned to see Finn standing there watching him with a small smile on his face. Kurt immediately stood up straight.
"Hey, Finn."
"Hey. You okay?" he asked.
Kurt's heart was beating wildly at the other boy's obvious concern. And really it just made him angrier. Angry at Finn for keeping his hopes alive and angry at himself for doing this to himself over and over again.
"Yes. Did you want something?" He didn't actually mean to sound so bitchy… even so he was determined not to apologize.
"Uh, I just wanted to see if you were okay."
"Well, I'm fine."
"Are you mad at me, Kurt?"
"No, Finn. I'm not. I'm just… tired."
Finn nodded his head. "Can we talk?"
Kurt really didn't feel up to having a conversation with Finn. It was usually about this girl or that, and he just didn't want to listen to it. But he couldn't bring himself to tell him no.
"Sure," he said sitting on a nearby bench. Finn smiled again and sat down next to him.
"I've really had a crappy day."
Kurt didn't say anything, but Finn didn't seem to need any encouragement.
"I did something stupid," he said quietly. "I… I slept with Santana."
When Kurt didn't respond, he looked up at him.
"You don't seem too surprised," Finn said.
"She announced it at Cheerio practice. Like she'd gotten a trophy or something."
"Oh…"
Kurt fought the urge to comfort Finn… to put his hand on his shoulder or say something. He wouldn't do it. It was a stupid thing for Finn to do!
"I hope you used protection," he added instead. "Not only to prevent more baby drama but because there is no telling what you could catch from her."
Finn didn't say anything. He just stared at the floor.
"Sorry, Finn. That was uncalled for."
"It's okay. I know I deserve it."
Kurt didn't respond, but Finn didn't seem to notice. He was still focused on his thoughts.
"I just don't know what to do, Kurt," he said running his hand through his hair. "I'm so confused about my feelings for Rachel. I know I like her but when I'm with her…"
"I have to stop you there, Finn." Kurt stood up and looked down at the boy he adored but who was once again breaking his heart. Did they really have to do this again? All the times he had been there for Finn as he went through girl after girl? Kurt was just torturing himself, and it never seemed to matter what he said anyway.
"Um… okay…"
"I just can't take it anymore, Finn," he said irritably. "Do you ever just listen to yourself? How many times do you have to go through this before you learn something? I'm just done… Everything doesn't revolve around you and your girl problems."
He regretted his outburst almost immediately. The hurt look in Finn's eyes quickly cut through his anger and self-loathing.
"I'm sorry if I'm bothering you with my problems. I'll just go."
"No, Finn. I'm sorry. I've had a bad day, myself. But that's no reason to take it out on you."
Kurt took a deep breath and sat down, again. "Go on…"
Finn looked at him, clearly unsure about telling him anything else. Kurt could almost see the moment he made up his mind. He seemed almost determined. He must really need someone to talk to. Of course this made Kurt feel even worse about yelling at him.
"I was really upset at Glee practice. I just can't believe that Mr. Schue let that Jesse kid in New Directions."
"I think we were all upset, well except for Rachel." At the look on Finn's face he added, "Sorry."
"No… I think maybe he does really care about her."
Kurt had his doubts, but there was no sense in telling the other boy that.
"I think she likes him, too. Maybe I should just call a truce. I mean I had my chance with Rachel and I blew it. The thing is when I was with her… she just annoyed me. It's so confusing. And then I was upset about that whole thing and it distracted me during the basketball ball game."
Kurt nodded and looked over at Finn. His head was down and when he talked his voice was lower. Kurt had the sudden realization that he was going to say something important. Maybe even the reason for their conversation thus far.
"I was really angry during the game… and then I saw you and Mercedes with the Cheerios."
Kurt had a sudden urge to apologize again but he resisted. He didn't do anything wrong. He didn't owe Finn any explanations. He thought back to the way Finn had walked out during their performance.
"I was shocked," Finn continued. "Not only because you were in Cheerios… but the way you were dancing and singing. Usually you sing so high. I just didn't realize that you could sing that low."
Now Kurt was the one confused. Finn didn't sound angry at all. So why had he walked out?
"Kurt…I just… the way you were singing and dancing, it was just so …"
He paused, clearly struggling with the words he wanted.
Kurt tried to lighten the mood. "Amazing… talented… awesome?" he supplied with a low giggle.
"… sexy," Finn said softly.
Kurt couldn't say anything at first; he was too busy concentrating on just breathing. When he did speak, he was sure it was not what Finn was expecting.
"No, Finn," he said standing up once again. "You do not get to do this to me."
Finn looked up at him in surprise. "I don't understand."
"What gives you the right to come in here and say things like that? You have to know, Finn. You can't be that clueless! It's not like I'm good at hiding it."
"I'm not sure what you mean…"
"Just stop, Finn!" Kurt was really angry now. He knew he was overreacting, but he couldn't help it. It wasn't fair for Finn to continue to give him false hope. And he couldn't let himself believe that Finn actually liked him. It would hurt too much. "Just try to think of someone else's feelings for a change."
Finn looked up at him. His jaw was tight as he responded to Kurt's anger.
"I get that you're angry at me, Kurt. I do … I get that. I just don't know what I did to make you so mad."
"Finn… It really isn't you," he said as the anger drained out of him. "It's me. I'm just frustrated," he said with a sigh. "I'm tired of hoping… of wanting something I can never have. I guess I would just like some small acknowledgement, some sign, from you that you know what I'm talking about, Finn. That my feelings … that I am… important enough for you to have noticed how much I care about you… how much I like you."
"Kurt…"
"I don't need you to say anything. Just nod yes or no. Do you understand what I'm talking about Finn?"
Kurt held his breath as Finn nodded his head yes.
"Then can you see, Finn," he said his voice now pleading. "How saying what you said a few minutes ago could be hard for me? You can't say things like that unless you actually mean them."
"But, I did… mean… it. I thought you were… sexy… and kinda… hot … and stuff," Finn mumbled quietly.
As Kurt listened to the words, he continued to hold them at bay. He couldn't give them credence. He couldn't let himself believe even for a moment…
"Finn, don't you see," he said sitting down next to Finn once again. "It's the difference between observation and intent."
"I don't know what that means."
"Beyoncé," Kurt replied.
"Huh?" The pained look on Finn's face was almost humorous.
"Beyoncé," Kurt said again. "It is undeniable that Beyoncé is sexy and hot. I can appreciate that… but when it comes down to it, I have absolutely no desire to have sex with her. See the difference?"
"I think so."
"And so my question to you, Finn, is this… When you said earlier that you thought I was sexy… was it just an observation… or more than that?"
"What if I don't know?"
"How can you not know, Finn?"
Finn looked down at his hands. "When I saw you… heard you… the thought just sorta popped into my head, 'wow, Kurt is so hot and sexy', and it just freaked me out. I was really confused so I just stopped thinking about it and walked out."
"I see." Kurt looked over at him almost feeling sorry for the other boy. Finn really didn't know what he wanted. But he needed to find out. They both needed to know.
"I think it's important to find out, Finn. Don't you?"
"Yeah," Finn said nodding his head. "Maybe we should try an experiment."
Kurt couldn't stop the excitement flooding through him at Finn's words. The thought of experimenting with Finn… well, his imagination was taking over, and he had to stop those images before it got him into trouble.
"What did you have in mind?" Kurt asked quietly, more subdued.
Finn leaned in closer to Kurt, inches away from his face. He wondered if Finn was actually going to kiss him. He held his breath as Finn whispered in his ear.
"Kurt, I want you to… could you… growl at me?"
Kurt pulled away from the other boy.
"What the hell, Finn?"
"It's just… when you were singing… you kinda growled some of the words… that's really when those thoughts…" he paused blushing.
Kurt realized then what he was trying to say. He leaned in close again and started singing softly.
If you want it
You already got it
If you thought it
It better be what you want
If you feel it
It must be real just
say the word
I'ma give you what you want.
He watched Finn's face while he sang to him. As he growled on the 'It must be real' part, Finn's eyes closed. He seemed to be having difficulty catching his breath.
Kurt finished singing but Finn did not open his eyes. He seemed to be in a trance… or just thinking really hard.
"Finn?"
"Hmm." The other boy was just sitting with his eyes closed and his lips pressed tightly together.
"What are you doing?"
"Thinking about the mailman," he answered.
"I don't know what that means, Finn."
After another moment of silence, Kurt couldn't take it anymore.
"Finn, look at me."
"I don't think that's a good idea."
"Finn," he said. His voice was sharper than he intended, and the other boy's eyes flew open. Kurt grabbed his chin and turned him to face him.
Although really, he wasn't sure it was a good idea. He could get lost in those eyes.
"What did you find out?" Kurt asked. He thought he could see something in the way Finn was looking at him but he wanted… needed… to hear Finn say it.
"I realized I just want to observe…"
Kurt's heart sank, and he felt like crying.
"… Beyonce."
Kurt let out the breath he'd been holding.
Finn smiled shyly at him. "But with you, Kurt… I want to…" He blushed once again. "I can't really say everything I want to do… but I would like to start by kissing you."
Kurt couldn't talk. Finn wanted him? Wanted to be with him? Wanted to kiss him? He could scarcely believe it. But Finn seemed suddenly sure of himself… sure of what he wanted.
"Can I kiss you, Kurt?"
He just nodded his head, trying to catch his breath.
As Finn leaned in closer, Kurt stared at his mouth. His kept his eyes open. He was afraid to miss anything… or to find out it was all a joke after all. He didn't allow himself the luxury of actually believing it was true until the moment Finn's lips touched his. Then he knew it was really happening. It had to be. His imagination was just not that good.
It felt so wonderful… and real. The heat… the firmness… the taste… And he realized then that he needed to stop thinking so much. He closed his eyes and just enjoyed the feeling of Finn kissing him.
Finn sighed as he felt Kurt responding. He put his arms around the smaller boy and pulled him closer. His mouth explored the other boy's lips, trying to learn, to taste as much as he could.
After a while, they pulled apart, reluctantly. Finn had a stunned look on his face, and Kurt was afraid he was going to suddenly realize what he had done and regret it.
"Kurt, I didn't know… I didn't understand. All those times I felt like something was wrong with me."
"What do you mean?"
"With Santana, I felt nothing. Not surprising since I don't even really like her. But even with Quinn and Rachel, I mean, I thought they were hot and stuff, and I was attracted to them… but…"
He paused trying to find the right words. Kurt put his hand on his arm, encouraging him to continue.
"It was nothing like this. I always felt like I was trying so hard to make things work… but with this… with you, Kurt. It just feels right."
Kurt could feel his eyes tearing up. "Are you sure this is what you want Finn? I need you to be sure … if I let myself believe that it's possible… that we are possible... and you change your mind… it would devastate me."
Finn put his hands on Kurt's face and stared into his eyes. Kurt could see so many things in that look and it helped to quell some of his fears.
"This is what I want, Kurt," he said. "I've never been more sure of anything."
And then Finn proceeded to demonstrate how much he wanted him with another searing kiss.
And at that moment, finally…
Kurt let himself believe.