A/N: Found this on my back-up hard drive and thought I may as well post it. Enjoy, and please excuse the formatting!
Dear Mr Potter,
I am writing with regards to a matter of great personal significance. As I am sure you are aware, I, along with my mother, was recently acquitted by the Wizengamot for Death Eater related crimes. Due to this, and my acceptance by the Wizarding Further Education Establishment (WFEE) to study healing, I will be requiring use of a wand. As far as I know, you have been in possession of my wand since your escape from my family home earlier this year. I ask you now whether you would consider returning it to me post-haste, so as I might be able to enrol upon my course at the beginning of the new academic year.
Yours sincerely,
Draco Malfoy
(a-b-c)
Dear Sir/Madam,
Thank you for your correspondence. Unfortunately, Mr Potter cannot personally respond to every letter he receives, but he is appreciative of your interest. Enclosed is a signed photo as a token of his gratitude.
Yours faithfully,
Marilyn Montgomery
Human Resources Department
Wizarding Private Postal Commission
(a-b-c)
Dear Ms Montgomery,
I would like to take this opportunity to inform you that Mr Potter and I are already acquainted with one another, and that I contact him not as a 'fan', but on a personal matter of the utmost urgency. Therefore, I enclose a copy of my previous letter, in the hope that you will pass it on to Mr Potter yourself.
Yours sincerely,
Draco Malfoy
(a-b-c)
Dear Mr Malfoy,
It is with regret that I refer you to the Wizarding Privacy Laws 1988, which clearly state that (Section 12.9 D) 'those in the public eye have the right to a life of privacy as dictated in subsection 22.9 E of the 1898 Privacy legislation'. Section 12.9 D then goes on to state, in amendment 16.4 C, that 'this is inclusive and not exclusive of all postal correspondence'. The entirety of the legislation can be viewed, upon request, at the Ministry of Magic headquarters in London, Edinburgh, Cardiff and Belfast, and also in the wizarding section of the London Library in Westminster.
Due to this legislation, and also the client's personal wishes, I am unable to pass on any sort of un-approved correspondence, regardless of its content or sender.
Yours sincerely,
Marilyn Montgomery
Human Resources Department
Wizarding Private Postal Commission
(a-b-c)
Dear Ms Montgomery,
I need to make contact with your client, Mr Harry Potter, and ask him to return an article of mine currently in his possession. It is of the greatest importance that I receive it as soon as possible. I am politely requesting that you forward on this message, after which I will leave both yourself and your client alone. Thank you.
Yours sincerely,
Draco Malfoy
(a-b-c)
Dear Mr Malfoy,
I am enclosing a copy of the entirety of the Wizarding Privacy Laws 1988, in the expectation that you will read them and see that your cause is a hopeless one. Please do not contact myself, my client or my employers again on this matter.
Yours sincerely,
Marilyn Montgomery
Human Resources Department
Wizarding Private Postal Commission
(a-b-c)
Dear Marilyn,
May I call you Marilyn? It seems that we know each other well enough. You sent me a huge stack of papers and didn't charge me a knut. You have my eternal gratitude, belle dame (for I am sure you are a beautiful lady), and I wonder how I can ever repay you. Perhaps I can buy you a drink? I would invite you to dinner, but that might be too forward of me. After all, you are a lady of virtue, and I am a respectable gentleman. However, if it was your wish, I am sure I could be persuaded into less… honourable activites. What do you say, mon cher?
Yours in suspense,
Draco
(a-b-c)
Dear Mr Malfoy,
It is with regret that I inform you that if you do not immediately desist this behaviour, I shall be forced to inform my superiors, and quite possibly the authorities, the consequences of which I shall not be responsible for.
Yours sincerely,
Mrs Marilyn Montgomery
Human Resources Department
Wizarding Private Postal Commission
(a-b-c)
Dear Mrs Montgomery,
It is with regret that I tell you to take your stupid legislations and petty threats and shove them up your arse. Otherwise, as soon as Potter gets his bloody arse in gear, I will be using a certain hard, pointy stick to show you just how incredibly pissed off I am, the consequences of which I will not be responsible for.
Yours sincerely,
Draco Malfoy
(a-b-c)
Dear Mr Malfoy,
Following reports of sexual harassment and threats of assault from my colleague, Mrs Marilyn Montgomery, I regret to inform you that unless you immediately cease correspondence with Mrs Montgomery and send a full and sincere letter of apology to this company, charges will be pressed against you.
Yours sincerely,
Richard Pilkington-Pleptly
Head of Human Resources
Wizarding Private Postal Commission
(a-b-c)
Dear Dick Pilky-whatsit,
I MEANT MY WAND! AS IN A LONG STICK OF WOOD I PURCHASED FROM OLLIVANDER WHEN I WAS ELEVEN! THAT WAND! I did NOT, I repeat did not, threaten to sexually assault your colleague! I am Draco Malfoy, son of Lucius Malfoy and Narcissa Black, both purebloods and once respected members of the wizarding community, and I will not be treated as a common criminal! I demand that you apologise, in writing, for both those accusations and the total and utter waste of my time. I also demand that you give to Harry Potter, WHOM I KNOW VERY WELL, my original letter which I once again enclose. Failure to do so will result in your company being taken to court and SUED. WITHOUT DELAY. It will also lead to certain titbits of information concerning the chairman of your company and conspiracies of fraud and embezzlement to be leaked (anonymously) to all daily, weekly and monthly periodicals. I am a Slytherin and acquitted Death Eater, as well as the Malfoy heir. I am not above bribery.
Draco Malfoy.
(a-b-c)
Malfoy.
Stop harassing the HR people. They came highly recommended. I got the bloody letter, so piss off and leave me alone.
Harry Potter.
(a-b-c)
Potter,
So does this mean you'll give me my wand back?
Malfoy
(a-b-c)
In his Chelsea penthouse, Draco Malfoy, highly pissed off Slytherin and blonde bombshell, heard the tapping of beak on glass and looked up from his book. It was a popular muggle one. Pansy had lent it to him, and though he pretended to hate it, he was secretly engrossed. He got up and walked over to the window, expecting to retrieve a very long awaited package. Instead, he found the owl to only be carrying the smallest scrap of parchment. He untied it, and unfolded it to reveal three words:
Malfoy-
No.
Potter.
Muggles in Toronto still say that those screams of rage were not the work of a freak gale blowing through the city.