Random, I know, but I had weird dreams that I'm processing and thought Scully should too, because that's how I roll.

This is first season, when she is (not) dating that guy in the first episode. It's after the pilot though.

I own nothing.

God,

I don't even know where to start. I feel like I haven't talked to you as much lately as I should. I find it funny that even though I have total faith in You and Your plan, I still withdraw into myself in times of struggle. It's like I don't want to bother you with my troubles, someone else's must be so much worse or more important.

I had a dream about Ethan again last night. I don't know what to do with these thoughts that my subconscious clings to when my rational mind rejects them. We are just friends, nothing more. I know that, and I don't want to change it. I like things how they are. Joking and flirting, but knowing in the end that he is just a friend and that doesn't need to change, because he is wrong for me.

Part of it is the cliched biological clock, I'm sure. I want things out of life, things that seem so far away. They are things I thought held little to no importance for so long, but now see I want as much as anyone else. They are things he wants too, but things that I'm not convinced he is ready for. In my dream he still had all the traits that make me think we aren't right for each other. He was kind of mean and condescending, he was requiring me to take leaps without really offering himself up at all. I really do feel he is the wrong person for me, in my mind. I don't know who the right person will be, but I do think You have something better planned.

I guess I'm praying all of this to ask for patience and guidance. I am only 27, just starting out in a new life and new career. I feel like I have purpose again for the first time in a while. I want to follow where You are leading and prompting and to be living for You, not me. Help me to see when I am being selfish or worrying about things I don't need to. Help me to see the parts of my relationships that are destructive, and to eradicate the mind-sets that are unhealthy for me.

You have given me so much in life, and I feel so ungrateful thinking the things I do. I hate that, "when will it be me?" even crosses my mind. Your timing is the timing I should wait for, not rush things, not worry about when they will happen. Yet, I find myself worrying and troubled, not trusting You to take care of things. Rationally I do, but I find my relationship with You hard for my rational mind to understand to begin with, so maybe that is part of why I don't want to come to You with my little daily concerns.

I have faith, and to an extent is it faith like a child. My adult brain can't understand how this could be, so my childhood ideas kick in and say, "You have seen it, you know it's true, just trust Him." and I do. I totally and completely do. Even in my doubts, I know that You are there, because I can feel it. It isn't an emotional rush, it isn't anything to do with my mind playing tricks on me. I have seen time and again You helping and guiding me and the people I care about. I have faith that You always will. I even feel prompting from You when I'm not following You as I should. How can I deny Your existence in any way?

And yet I try to solve the world's problems on my own. I think that I can, somehow, make things better on my own. That driving need for purpose kicks in, and I get blinded by it. So blind I don't see the purpose You have for me. I am sorry for that Lord.

Thank you for allowing me to complain to You like a moony teenager God, I love You, and I will try to make more time to properly talk to you.