Skedaddle
"Skedaddle! Git. Go on git, you lousy Jahawker!"
"Ow! Hey! Cut that out, you… Cut it out, Colonel Forester! Ow!" Heyes ducked again trying to avoid the old man's aim as he threw rotten apples with deadly accuracy at Heyes.
"Thaddeus! Do something!" Heyes cried desperately.
"Colonel Forester, sir… You gotta stop this; we aren't stealin' you apples," the Kid managed to choke out through his laughter. He doubled over again, laughing, and clung to the branch he was sitting on while he watched Heyes dodge the missiles.
The previous evening, Sam Forrester had offered them each ten dollars for watching his father for the day, while he went to pick up the latest caretaker he had hired for the old man, and for picking the ripe apples while they kept him out of trouble.
"That's a lot of money for one day's work," Heyes had commented, as he reviewed his hand. The two were playing poker with Sam Forrester and some other men in the saloon.
"That's 'cuz you ain't met his Pa," explained one of the other men.
"Oh?" the Kid asked. "I'll take two."
"Well, Pa can be a might testy at times."
"Crazy as a loon," one of the other players laughed.
"No, really, it's just when he drinks, he thinks he's back in the war. He was a colonel," Sam explained helplessly. "Anyway, I've searched, and there's no liquor in the house."
Heyes and the Kid looked at him skeptically.
"And I'll take the shotgun with me. It's the only gun we have."
In the end, they had agreed to what sounded like an easy twenty dollars. They rode back to the farm with Sam. His father was asleep when they arrived. In the morning, although the old man muttered about "pushy whippersnappers" and "varmints," he seemed to accept their presence.
Sam heaved a sigh of relief and drove off with the departing caregiver, promising to be back by late afternoon.
All had gone well at first. Then, at the noon meal, the Colonel had laughed and pulled out a bottle of "corn squeezings, that young Sam don't know about." After a few drinks, as Heyes and the Kid were heading back out to the orchard, the Colonel asked them if they were from Kansas – said he recognized their accents. They had admitted it, and other than grimacing and taking another pull at his jug, the Colonel had said nothing.
Apparently, he had kept drinking and brooding. He stormed into the orchard, knocked down the ladder, trapping the Kid up in the tree, and had jumped Heyes.
The Colonel was a wizened old man, and Heyes had easily pushed him off, but now he was lobbing all the windfall apples he could find at Heyes. The Kid, safely up in the tree, was enjoying the sight.
"Steal my apples, you thieving, Jayhawker, will you! I'll show you!" The Colonel stomped back into the house.
Heyes wiped his brow. "Sheesh, not sure this is worth ten dollars," he muttered.
The Kid was still laughing too hard to be useful.
Suddenly, the Colonel came back, this time carrying a long knife or sword.
Heyes looked alarmed and held up his hands, backing away slowly. The Kid quickly sobered and began clambering down from the tree.
"Thieves, the whole thievin' lot of you Yankees. Took everythin' you did!" the old man screamed. "Jayhawkers is the worst. I'll show you…" and he charged Heyes.
Heyes scrambled back and tripped, landing flat on his back. The old man stood over him and raised the sword.
The Kid jumped down out of the tree, pulling his gun as he went, but also fell and stumbled on landing. The Colonel drew back his arm to strike. Without thinking, the Kid fired, but he was off balance.
Suddenly, the Colonel dropped his sword and fell to the ground screaming and grabbing the back of his pants.
Heyes scrambled out from under him as the Kid rushed over.
"Hey… you okay, Joshua?" the Kid asked, breathlessly.
"I'm fine."
"Well, I'm not, you dang Ninny," Colonel Forrester growled. "You shot my backside. I'm gonna bleed to death here." Apparently the shot had sobered him quickly.
Sam came rushing up.
"What happened?" he cried. "Why's Pa got his ceremonial sword?" He looked at them all and noticed his father's buttocks were bleeding sluggishly.
"Oh my God, Pa! Did you attack these men?" he demanded angrily.
"Jayhawkers," the Colonel muttered.
Heyes and the Kid prepared to ride out, now thirty dollars richer. They listened to the old man abuse his son verbally as he tried to bandage his father's wound.
"Well, I guess we should skedaddle like he wanted." The Kid grinned at Heyes.
"I guess," Heyes agreed. He looked thoughtful. "You know, I bet there's a lesson here."
The Kid thought a moment. "Never bring a knife to a gun fight?" he proposed.
Heyes laughed and countered. "He who lives by the sword will get shot by he who don't."
Laughing, the two nudged their horses and skedaddled down the road.