A man waiting to have his life turned upside down has a lot to think about.
Thoughts about what will come to be. Thoughts about life as it have been up until this moment. Thoughts about how everything could have been different, and about how it was not, and never would be.
Jur Grady watched the men who were standing all around him. Neither of them looked at him. They were staring at the dark man in the middle of the yard, and the man – or, rather, the boy – standing in front of him with his eyes closed. The boy was Fedwin Morr; sixteen years old, nervous, but with a determined set to his jaw. The man was Mazrim Taim. Tall, expressionless, and apparently uninterested. Mazrim Taim. He was infamous, of course, that kind of man that people talked about with fear. A man who once had called himself Dragon. A pretty silly thing to worry about, now that the real Dragon Reborn not only had proclaimed himself, but also had just visited the farm and left. Still, some things were hard to shake off.
The men who had been tested were split in two groups. The ones who had not passed the test were watching from the side. Their faces wore a mix of disappointment, relief, and a shame at being relieved. The only two men who had passed stood in a little group by themselves, Eben looking worried, Flinn thoughtful, avoided by the rest of the men on the yard. Their eyes were turned to the ground. None of them spoke. There was nothing to say.
Jur lifted his eyes, searched for Sora. She was there, waiting between the houses with Gadren on her arm. He caught her eye. Her face was pale, and she shook her head. He tried to give her an encouraging smile, but it would not really come out.
Soon, he told himself. Soon, it will be over. One way or another, it will be over.
Taim pulled away from Fedwin, saying: "You can learn, too." Not loud, but loud enough for everyone to hear him, as focused on him as they were. His voice did not give away whether he thought it was good or bad. Fedwin nodded, but he did not look anyone in the eye as he left the yard. He left it fast, with his head lowered, and disappeared into a house.
Jur wondered what he was thinking. But he did not get a lot of time to wonder, for soon Taim turned his dark eyes to him and said, "You're next."
Jur looked over at Sora. She looked away.
As he walked towards the former False Dragon – what he was now, he could not say, and it did not seem to matter – the thoughts swirled in his head.
He wondered what had brought him here, and why he had not left despite all the chances he had had to do so. He had pondered all the reason, time and time again, and still there were things that he simply could not explain. He thought that maybe he had come here because he felt there was something more he should do with his life. It had not been a bad life; it had been as good a life as a man could ask for, but it had always felt as if there was something missing. And he knew the world was standing on its edge, peeking down into an inferno. Now, he did not know a lot about the world, but he knew as much as that. The Dragon was reborn – deny it as you will, it would not change anything – and the Wheel was turning towards the end, the Last Battle. Perhaps, he figured, the Pattern or the Wheel or whatever it was that had pulled him here, wanted more of him. He was not used to these thoughts. All he could do was go along with them.
The folks at home had thought him insane. They might be right. But he wanted to know. He had wanted to know. Right now, he was afraid to know.
As he looked into Mazrim Taim's cold, shallow eyes, he thought of the day he first come here, to the Farm as it was called. He had left his own farm in the care of his Pa, who had not said anything about his plans but had looked at him from the corner of his eye, frowning as if he wondered if his son had gone crazy. Sora had looked at him the same way, but she had still followed him here and he was happy for that, because he really needed her by his side. He was certain she would stand by him no matter what he did. Had been certain. Sometimes, these last days, he thought he saw doubt in her eyes when they met his, and that worried him. In fact, it scared him. He did not want her to leave, but he knew he had no right to ask her to stay.
It had not been easy, finding the farm. Whenever they stopped to ask for directions, people chased them away or refused to speak to them. The farm. It did not sound like a name to strike fear in the Shadow's troops, to be sure. There were around twenty people there, most of them in his own age, even though some of them were as young as Eben and Fedwin, and some as old as Damer Flinn, the white-haired former soldier who wanted to learn to heal people. Apart from Damer, nobody seemed to know exactly why they had come here. Some of them had already left, and some of those who were still here seemed to wish they had done the same. Too late, now. Much too late.
"I assume you have seen enough to know what to do", Taim said, sounding as if it really did not matter to him either way.
"Look for a spark", Jur said. He was surprised his voice was steady.
Taim's lip curled into a cold smile that was not even close to touch his eyes. Jur really did not like this man. But the Lord Dragon had brought him here, and if he trusted him, Jur could as well. He was not sure that the Lord Dragon was completely in his right mind, though.
"Yes", Taim said. "Look for a spark." When he had described the process, he had talked about a resonance. Kind of like a reaction. Not a spark, but it was probably the same, anyway.
A tiny flame appeared above his hand. Jur stared at it, feeling silly. He knew he had to focus all of his mind on the flame, but watching it, he felt his thoughts wander.
He felt the other's eyes burning at his back, now, and his face grew hot, but he tried to pretend that he noticed nothing but the flame. The flame, so bright he was sure that if he closed his eyes, it would shine right through his eyelids. He could feel Sora watching him, waiting, hoping that he would fail; he hoped as much himself.
She had asked him to leave. Twice. She had had that special look in her eyes, that one that always seemed to bore right into his heart, making it melt. Light, how he loved her; he would have done anything for her, but he could not, not this time.
"No one said you needed to stay", she had said. "You have come here, and all we do now is wait. And he will not even tell us what we're waiting for." She never mentioned the Lord Dragon by title, or by name. "I don't think he knows what he's doing."
"He's the Dragon Reborn", Jur said. "Of course he knows. He has a plan, I'm sure."
"Yes, he does!" Her eyes met his. "He wants to use you, don't you see? He's not interested in teaching you, or helping you. He wants you as weapons. He doesn't care enough about you to even tell you what you should do. We're sitting here, just waiting and waiting, and every day the dark, the Shadow or what you will call it is coming closer. It will come here, and none of you will be able to do anything when it comes! This is not your job, Jur!"
"We all do what we have to", he protested. "The Lord Dragon has a lot of things to do. I'm-"
"That's right!" she said. "He has a lot of things to do! This is what he's supposed to do, what he's born to do. Not you!" She turned his back on him, and went to pick up Gadren from the crib. The child has awakened at their voices, and was now crying. She turned around again, holding the child so he could see him. "This is all you have to do", she said, and he could see tears in her eyes. "Please, Jur. We can leave. We can go back home, and everything will be as it was. Please."
He knew he would never be able to say no to her. He looked at the boy. His son. Gadren had stopped crying, now, apparently happy that his parents were both looking at him.
"Will you at least let me talk to him?" Jur asked. "Let me… let me explain to him. I'm sure he will understand. We… we owe him that."
To be honest, he did not really look forward to talk to the Lord Dragon, all by himself as he would be. To face those hard gray eyes, that always looked like they were staring at something no one else could see, not liking what it was the saw there. Even before he had met the Dragon Reborn, he had been told enough about him. Not even a farm as far away as his could escape news that big, and terrifying. He had been told that the Dragon was a tall man, and young, younger that he himself was. Of course, he had also been told that he walked on lightning and that the world stopped spinning if he said it should. But even so, the Lord Dragon was just a young man – a boy, almost – and he would have some family somewhere. He must understand.
But somehow, when he did talk to him, the Lord Dragon had persuaded him to stay. Just until the testing was over. It had seemed reasonable, then. Jur actually felt a little ashamed for asking. After all, every man did what he had to do, and that was that. Once this was over, nothing would keep him here, he thought. Then he could go back home, with a clear conscience. One man could only do so much.
He stared at the flame. He shifted, uneasily, wondering how long it would take before Taim would tell him he had not passed.
He thought about his farm. He had not been gone from it long, but for some reason it felt as if it were very far away indeed. Harvesting time was over; in a normal year the winter would already be gripping the lands around there, but when he had left, there had only been the bare, dry trees in the merciless sun. And it seemed to be getting worse. He wondered how the village would survive the next year, and the one after that, and tried not to think that there might not even be one after that. A man's thoughts wander when he's nervous, for true.
He stared at the flame. And felt… something. Moving. Not exactly a spark, but still, if he had to, that was how he would have described it was he asked. An inner spark. He went cold inside. Oh, Light, no.
But what had he expected? He did not even know. He knew there must have been a reason for his coming here, and now, here it was, and now it was too late to take it back.
The Lord Dragon asked me to stay for this. Did he know? Light, no, please. I don't want this.
He looked at Taim. Taim looked back, with a short nod.
All I ever wanted was to harvest my crops and have a family and live a quiet life. That was all I ever wanted! Light, not this!
Taim took a step back. "You can learn", he said. Nothing more than that. It was like hearing one's own death sentence.
Jur's eyes went searching for Sora. He saw her white face as she turned her back to him and left. She said nothing. She just left.
He ran after her, still as he ran not sure what he would say that could make it better. It would change nothing.
He found her in the house they had been sharing up till now. She still had her back on him, clutching the baby to her chest.
"Sora?" he said.
He thought he heard her sobbing.
"Sora, I'm so sorry. I didn't mean for this to-"
She turned around, face wet with tears.
"What do you want me to do?" she asked. "Do you want me to just sit and watch as you go insane and die? Because I can't do that, Jur. I can't!"
"I want you to-" He stopped himself. He wanted her to stay here, with him. He wanted her to look at him like she had before. But he could not ask that from her. Not anymore. "Sora, if you want to leave, I'll get you a horse and a cart. I think I can get some money, too. You'll be fine."
"I don't want to leave!" she said. "I want you to leave with me!"
"I can't, Sora."
"I know", she said softly. He wished he could just go to her and dry the tears off her face, but his feet felt like they were nailed to the ground, and he did not think he could stand to see her flinch away when he came closer. He could not blame her for it; had it been the other way around, he would have done it, too, he thought.
"I'm still the same", he said, his voice harsh. "I haven't changed. Nothing has changed."
"That's not true", she said. "Everything is different, and you know that."
Yes, he knew.
"I wasn't born with it", he said. "Not like the Lord Dragon, or… or Taim. Maybe that makes a difference. Maybe I won't go insane."
"It doesn't work that way", she said quietly.
"Light burn me", he said. "I'm trying. It's… maybe this is the Wheel's will."
"To the Pit of Doom with the Wheel!" she whispered heatedly. Then she looked away. His heart felt as if it might burst. Burst straight out of his chest and end up on the floor. Tears burned in his eyes.
"Sora, I love you. I'm so sorry."
"I love you too. I just don't know… I don't know if I can stand to see you become like him."
"I won't", he said.
"You don't know that! You don't know anything!"
He stood there, looking at her back. Her hair fell around her shoulders. She was so beautiful, even with her back turned, and there was nothing in the world he wanted more than her. He could face whatever the future held, whatever horrors awaiting, if he had her by his side. But without her, he did not think he would even keep it together long enough for the madness to get him.
"I want to go back with you", he said. "But I can't. Light, I can't! This is… this is what I have to do."
"I know", she said. He was surprised at the tenderness in her voice. "You are right", she said. "You have to do what you must do. And I have to do what I must, too."
Again she turned around, looking at him.
"I swore to be by your side, as long as I lived. To protect you, and shelter you, whenever you needed it. Now, I think you do."
She put Gadren on the floor, softly stroking the child's hair before she came to stand in front of Jur. She touched his face. She smiled sadly, her face still tearful.
"I promise I will take care of you", she said. "When it comes to you, I'll take care of you."
"You will stay with me?" he whispered.
Sora nodded. "I will stay."
He lifted a hand to wipe her tears, but she grabbed his wrist. "Just promise me one thing", she said. "Promise me to hold on. As long as you can. And don't die."
"That was two things", he said.
"Say it", she said.
"I promise", he said. Then he put his hand in her hair, pulled her closely, and kissed her. He could feel her, so soft and yet so strong. Behind her, Gadren was blubbering on the floor, playing with some of the toys Jur hade made for him. He was not pretty, the boy, but Jur loved him anyway. Of course he did. It was hard, knowing that the world his son would grow up in might become so dark, and evil, and broken, but he knew he would do his best to save the Light.
Maybe that was the reason he was here. To save what little light he could from the Shadow. He decided that it was.
He closed his eyes, trying to stay in the moment. But there in the darkness, he could feel that spark. Remembering what it had felt like. Just imagination, he was sure. But still, somewhere, that spark was, waiting.
Waiting for him.