Ten Espada and three ex-shinigami captains sat rather uncomfortably in the two-meter marble chairs that seemed so abundant in the palace of Las Noches. As per their usual meetings, Supreme Divine Almighty Ruler, The Wonderful And Amazing Aizen-sama sat at the head of the table, flanked by his right and left hand men, the Not Completely But Still Pretty Almighty Ichimaru Gin, and the Holy Shit T-Pain's An Anime Kaname Tosen.
"Bills," announced Tosen, dumping a stack of papers unceremoniously onto Aizen's lap. He sifted through them, frown deepening.
"$300 on long-distance calls? Haven't I already given you a long lecture about this, Hallibel? Don't look away from me, missy. One more bill like this and I'm taking it out of your allowance. Oh God…$400 on electricity, $200 on gas, $700 on food bills, $1000 ON CREDIT CARD BILLS…What's wrong with all of you?! How do you expect me to pay for all of this?" Exasperated, he turned to Gin.
"How much money have we got left, Gin?"
Gin extracted a small notebook from the recesses of his pocket and consulted it briefly. "None," he announced. Aizen facepalmed. "Brilliant. Bleedin' brilliant. Now how are we supposed to pay for all this crap?" He looked around the room forlornly. "Do you think they'll accept AeroNiero?"
"WHAT?!" said Arrancar sat up suddenly. Aizen snorted. "Why not, you'd make an awesome fish tank. Gotta be worth something."
He rubbed his temples for a minute or so, muttering to himself. "Damn shinigami don't have to pay for bills like ours. Damn shinigami have everything paid for them, just because they're so popular. We wouldn't have to pay through our noses if we were like them."
He sat up suddenly, eyes wide. "That's it!"
"What's it?"
"Think about it. If we could just boost our ratings a little, life would be a whole lot easier!"
Inside his mind, Supreme Divine Almighty Ruler, The Wonderful And Amazing Aizen-sama was unfolding his newest and most evil plot yet.
"I expect you know that the Bleach fanbase thinks of us all as villains?" he asked the room out loud.
"I thought we were villains."
"Shut up, Gin. Now, does everyone else agree with my previous statement?"
There was a general agreement and a nodding of heads. Divine Almighty Ruler, The Wonderful And Amazing Aizen-sama nodded his head in return as if to re-confirm what he had just said.
"Because of this…unfortunate misconception on the part of the fans, the Espada's ratings have plummeted since the latest few chapters were released, putting us right at the bottom of the rung, just above the Bounts. Can anybody tell me why that is?"
From near the end of the table, Szayel raised his hand hesitantly. "Is it because all of us went and got ourselves killed?" he offered. Divine Almighty Ruler, The Wonderful And Amazing Aizen-sama tilted his head to the side, considering this. "That is a good point," he conceded. "That being said-"
At this point, however, the Not Completely But Still Pretty Almighty Gin interrupted. "May I say it, Aizen-sama?" he drawled. "See, as far as I'm concerned, the lot of ya went and died some pretty amazing deaths. I'd imagine dramatic ends like that would only make ya seem more noble to our viewers, no? So…dyin' the way ya did actually probably made 'em all like ya more."
Divine Almighty Ruler, The Wonderful And Amazing Aizen-sama leaned back in his chair, a small smile on his face. "What he says is true. That was a good suggestion, Szayel, but I'm afraid it isn't an accurate one. Could anyone else try?"
Grimmjow didn't bother concealing a snort. "Now I ain't namin' any names here, but maybe, just maybe, it's because one of the Espada looks a lot like a goddamn spoon."
Nnoitora didn't turn, but his good eye narrowed suspiciously. His mouth snapped open.
"Really? 'Cuz, spoons are pretty useful things, y'know. Couldn't eat soup without 'em. Far as I know, humans like spoons, so I don't see what the big problem is. Maybe the problem is that we've got ourselves some pansy-ass men who prance around all day wearing coloured eyeliner."
"Actually, I agree with Grimmjow's spoon statement," piped up Ulquiorra, who oddly enough seemed affected by Nnoitora's jibe.
Before a fight could break out, Divine Almighty Ruler, The Wonderful And Amazing Aizen-sama raised his hands to silence his children. "Please, I thought we all agreed not to do this in the Conference room? Grimmjow, apologize to Nnoiotra."
"Hell no."
"Grimmjow," said Divine Almighty Ruler, The Wonderful And Amazing Aizen-sama somewhat sternly. "We've talked to you about this. It's mean to make hurtful comments about another person's shape. Remember that incident when you made poor Yammy cry? Do you want to go around upsetting people like that forever?"
"…no."
"Good. Then tell Nnoitora you're sorry."
"…sorry, you bastard."
"And Nnoitora, now that he's apologized, don't you think you should do the same?"
"Why?! He started it!"
Aizen-sama frowned. "Nnoiotra, you and I have spoken about this as well. It doesn't matter who started it. You're just as much to blame for making things worse. Apologize to Grimmjow."
"…sorry, you bastard."
"Good." Aizen settled himself comfortably in his seat, mentally patting himself on the back for a job well done. He'd known it was a good idea, buying those parenting books. He steepled his hands in front of his face, looking around at his gathered Espada. "If we could continue, please. Any other suggestions as to why our ratings are plummeting? Hallibel?"
The sun-blonde Arrancar snorted softly and rolled her eyes. "Maybe it's because you went and stabbed me, Traitor-sama."
Aizen raised an eyebrow. "Do I detect a hint of sarcasm there, Hallibel?"
"Damn right you do."
There was a sigh. "Hallibel, why are you still hung up on this? Didn't I tell you, what I do is only for the best? For the millionth time, I did it because I'm a villain. That's what villains do, they betray each other. You're not supposed to like me, you're supposed to despise me. That's the whole purpose of being a villain!"
"Then why are ya so concerned about our ratings?"
"Shut up, Gin."
"I'm just sayin'. Ain't wrong, pointin' out yer mistakes."
"I don't make mistakes, Gin. I am the Divine Almighty Ruler, The Wonderful And Amazing Aizen-sama, after all. The number one rule of being Divine Almighty Ruler, The Wonderful And Amazing Aizen-sama, is that I'm always right."
"Yer always right?"
"Yes, I'm always right."
"Even when yer wrong?"
"Even when I'm wrong."
Gin fell silent for a moment, pondering this.
"So that means sometimes ya are wrong?"
Aizen slapped him.
He turned back to the table, rubbing his hand triumphantly. "Now," he continued. "Can anyone else give me a suggestion? What about you, Yammy?"
Yammy shrugged his massive shoulders nonchalantly. "Don't look at me. Everyone likes me. I'm the most powerful Espada in Las Nachos, remember?"
"Well, that is true, but it doesn't necessarily mean- wait, what?"
"What?"
"What did you just say?"
"I'm the most powerful?"
"After that."
"Espada?"
"No, after. At the end of the sentence."
"Las Noches?"
"That's not what you said. You said something else."
"No, I didn't."
Aizen gave him a suspicious glance before continuing. "As I was saying, being the most powerful doesn't necessarily make you well-liked."
"Why not? It works in Las Nachos."
"No, it does- YOU SAID IT AGAIN!"
Yammy leaned back in his seat, terrified, at Aizen's accusatory finger. "What'd I say?!"
"You said Las Nachos! NACHOS! You said it! He did, didn't he, Gin?"
"Didn't hear nothin'."
"BAH, YOU'RE USELESS." Aizen sat back down in a huff. "Look, long story short, people don't like you because you're a bunch of freaks, okay?"
"We're not freaks!"
"Yes you are, Tosen. Don't deny it."
"But I'm just a blind guy!"
"You're a blind guy who never bangs into anything. And you're in charge of visuals. What kind of blind guy is in charge of visuals? You're a freak, trust me."
"I'm not a freak," volunteered Szayel timidly.
"You? Are you kidding me? You're even freakier than Tosen. You're a weirdo who eats his Fraccion, and in your release state you look like a damn drag queen. Plus, your stupid hair makes everyone think of you as a walking gumball. Every time you walk past, people get the urge to eat your head."
"They do not!"
"Ask them!"
"Guys?" Szayel turned imploringly to the rest of the Espada. All of them, including Gin, looked away guiltily. Szayel backed away, alarmed.
"What about me, Aizen-sama? Am I a freak?"
"Well, DUH, King Emospada. Who walks around with green eyeliner on their face? And how the hell do you have such pale skin after I took the trouble to install a proper working sun in this place, huh? Speaking of which, BRIGHTEN UP a little, will you? You're creepy. You know how many times you've popped up outta nowhere in the middle of the night, and nearly given me a heart attack?"
Ulquiorra averted his eyes dejectedly, and mumbled something. It sounded suspiciously like, "I just wanted to say goodnight…"
Nnoitora snickered form across the table. "Burned!" he sneered. Aizen rounded on him.
"That goes for you, too, McSpoony. From now on I'm imposing a ban on excessive headgear, and anyone over seven feet tall."
Nnoiotra immediately hunched forward.
"Well yer kinda a freak too, Sousuke. Ya know, since I've grown up, you haven't aged a bit. Yer old enough ta be my daddy."
"Aizen's your daddy?"
"Nah, Stark, I was just sayin' he COULD be. Don't look it, though."
"DON'T KNOCK MY YOUTHFUL COMPLEXION, GIN. YOU'RE THE WORST ONE HERE. Everyone thinks you're an annoying little prick. And change your bloody expression, geez! It's worse that Ulquiorra's, you look like a paedophile!"
Gin stopped smiling.
"Right." Aizen smoothed his hair back and sat down, calming down after his little outburst. "What are we going to do to prove you're not all freaks?"
"Let's start our own fashion line!" said Szayel excitedly. "Those shinigami haven't done it, we could beat them to it!"
"Have you completely missed the point, Szayel? I just said we DON'T want them to think we're freaks."
"But it's a great idea!" wailed Szayel. "Come on, it'll be fun! We could call ourselves arrancArmani!
"Oh? What would we sell, Arrancar uniforms?"
"Speaking of which, Traito- uh, Aizen-sama, I've been meaning to mention this for some time now. Don't you think the girls' uniforms are a little skimpy?"
"No, they aren't!"
"Yes they are. We look like prostitutes."
"But…I designed them!"
"Pervert," whispered Gin maliciously.
Aizen blew him a loud raspberry and turned back to Szayel. "You were saying, Captain Homo?"
"Uh," Szayel ignored the insult, "let's release a line of fragrances! I have some lovely chemicals--"
"GAH!" On impulse, Aizen scooted several feet away from him. "NOT THE ONES YOU PUT IN OUR TEA! I STILL HAVE NIGHTMARES BECAUSE OF THAT!"
"No, no!" Szayel wrung his hands urgently. "These are completely harmless, I assure you! Well, mostly harmless, but I'm sure most humans wouldn't notice an extra finger or two-"
"NO CHEMICALS, SZAYEL."
"But-"
"I SAID NO. Now, do we have any other suggestions?"
Grimmjow raised his hand. "I vote we sell Szayel off into prostitution."
"I OBJECT!" yelled Szayel immediately.
Aizen pondered this suggestion for a moment. "Possible," he conceded. "He could be diseased, though. We'll have to look into that. Any more suggestions?"
"Let's book ourselves a spot on Sesame Street!" cried Nnoitora, pumping a fist in the air.
"Why?!"
"Coz I bet I could totally whoop that Elmo guy's ass!"
"Not sure you wanna do that," warned Stark from across the table. "I've seen that Elmo take down Big Bird. It wasn't pretty."
"Aw, I can take 'im! I'll take 'em both! Bring it on!" Nnoitora whooped and jumped around, issuing challenges to the room at large. Everyone else ignored him.
"If I may, Aizen-sama. I am aware of a human phenomenon called 'Fanfiction', in which humans take characters from their favourite series and create original stories about them," said Ulquiorra suddenly.
"Oh? And?"
"And, depending on the proficiency of the author, such stories can do a great deal to boost a character, or character pairing's rating."
"Interesting. And what do you propose we do, Ulquiorra?"
"Elect a reasonably talented Arrancar and give them the task of crafting interesting and humorous works of fiction, centered around the Espada. Well drawn-out escapades will surely make us seem more likeable to fans at large."
"Gadzooks! That's a brilliant idea, Ulquiorra!"
"I am aware of that," responded the Arrancar somewhat coldly. Aizen chose to ignore it. "Alright, everyone. Let's review our plans of action and vote for the most appropriate one in a peaceful and democratic manner."
"Why?"
"Because I'm in a good mood today. First, all in favour of selling Szayel into prostitution?"
All hands were raised save for one.
"All in favour of arranging a guest appearance on Sesame Street?"
Nnoitora looked around the room and saw that no one else was voting. He lowered his hand, dejected.
"Right. Prostitution it is, then."
"WAIT! YOU DIDN'T EVEN COUNT ULQUIORRA'S IDEA!"
"No complaints, Szayel."
"BUT-BUT- I DON'T WANNA BE A PROSTITUTE!"
Aizen sighed and shot an arm out. "WAY OF BINDING 64: TENTACLE-RAPE CARNIVAL!"
"EEP!" Szayel shrieked and dived under the table. Aizen lowered his arm. Gin leaned over to whisper in his ear. "Tentacle-rape Carnival? Was that some new Kidou I haven't heard about?"
"No, I couldn't think of any spells at the moment so I made one up."
"Why Tentacle-rape?"
Aizen shrugged. "Why not?" He turned back to the table at large. "All in favour of creating a fake account on the world wide web and publishing gratifying stories?"
Every Espada at the table raised their hand. Shakily, Szayel's hand also emerged from underneath the table.
"Ten votes. Fanfiction it is. Who's going to write it?"
"What about Arrancar number 69.5?" suggested Gin.
"69.5?" repeated AeroNiero incredulously.
"There are only so many numbers between one and a hundred, okay?" said Aizen somewhat defensively. "Why her, though? Wasn't she the one posting signs all over the place saying 'DO NOT READ THIS SIGN'?"
"She also wrote 'DO NOT FEED' on Wonderweiss's forehead," added Tosen sullenly.
Gin shrugged nonchalantly. "She's the only Arrancar I know who can read. Szayel and Ulquiorra can too, I guess, but Lord knows they have no imagination."
Aizen pondered this before nodding his head in approval. "Recruit her, then."
"How will we know which stories are hers?" piped up Zommari. Aizen smiled benevolently at him. "Simple, my friend. You'll find the events of this entire meeting posted on her profile. Is there anything else to be brought up? No? Good. Meeting adjourned."
All the Espada, and Tosen, filed out of the room (save Szayel, who literally sprinted out). Aizen settled comfortably in his chair, smiling easily. Gin waited for them all to leave, before opening his mouth to speak.
"You know, Sousuke, there is one risk involved with yer plan."
"Oh?"
"We're completely at the mercy of that girl. Whatever she writes, the fans'll think it's true."
"Wasn't that the point, Gin?"
"Yeah, but what if she writes something incrima- incrimineti- bad?"
"What could she possibly write that could be so bad?"
"Well, what if she likes yaoi? That would be awful!"
Aizen laughed at this, and told Gin he was worrying too much. Gin didn't seem convinced, but he caved in all the same, thinking that Aizen probably knew best. He bowed out of the room to leave.
Aizen smiled to himself, alone in the Conference Room. " 'What if she likes yaoi'… silly, silly Gin." He paused and sighed to himself, amazed at his subordinate's naïveté.
"She does like yaoi."
HAH. I'm sorry for the pointlessness and stupid ending, but…I'm in a bit of a slump here. I should be working on Poison Pink, shouldn't I? Ah, well. It's not like I have anything else to do. I suppose one more fic wouldn't hurt. For some reason I had this urge to post something random, AND SO I DID. So there.
Poor, Szayel, always at the butt of every joke. Seriously, though, am I the only one with the urge to bite his head?
And why doesn't Aizen mind that number 69.5 (ahem, ahem) likes yaoi? Elementary, my dear Watson.
It's because he likes it too.
Also LOL at Gin. He can't pronounce "incriminating". :)