She knew it wasn't right. There were plenty of reasons why he shouldn't have been there and why he shouldn't have kissed her and why she shouldn't have kissed back. One reason, the mainreason, being Marian.
As she wrapped her arm around him and continued the kiss, she tasted the alcohol. He'd been drinking before he'd come to see her. Had he really needed liquid courage to talk to her, to convince her what they were doing was okay? To convince himself? Was that even the reason he'd been drinking? She wasn't sure of the answer, of the truth, but she knew his possible inebriation was yet another reason they shouldn't have been doing this.
The kiss went on and she let it, but the longer she stayed with him and tangled herself up further into him and this mess they'd created she scrunched up her face. It didn't feel right. It felt good, but only in the way that being touched felt good to someone who's missed the passion of being and feeling wanted.
Because it was bad. What they wanted, what they were doing, was wrong. He'd said he was being selfish before he broke his honor code and pushed his way forward into the first kiss. She'd spent too many years being selfish before she'd realized doing that hurt too many people, people she cared about and those she soon cameto care about.
She didn't want this. Well, she didwant this, but not in this way. How many times had she said she made her own destiny just to allow pixie dust to convince her this was it for her? Is this truly what she deserved after all of her misdeeds? An honorable thief who was less than honorable now that his wife faced death yet again and there seemed to be nothing either of them could do about it?
The kiss that was supposed to be filled with love, need, want, passion, and a little bit of lust tasted like ashes, embers, of a worn out fire that had consumed the best of her and the best of him. They were no longer the people they were when they'd met in the Enchanted Forest and she suddenly couldn't live with what she'd done to herself and to him and to little Roland who didn't know a thing and didn't understand what would happen if she allowed this to play out any further.
She'd told Henry she was letting it go, letting Robin go, letting the fantasy of him and their potential future together go. She had told her son that she was choosing to keep her head up while doing the right thing. She had taken too many things for herself in the past and she would be starting up old habits if she continued to take this, what was right in front of her, now. She was tired of taking. She wanted this to be given and not because of alcohol-fueled "strength" that enabled her soul mate to go to her instead of being stuck in his indecision between girlfriend and wife.
She tore away from the kiss with tears in her eyes, a frown on her face that matched Robin's every time he tried to explain how he felt about her and the Marian situation. Except she felt a little more disgusted with the sequence of events that led her to break this off once and for all.
"I can't do this," she confessed with a raspy and wavering voice before she fled her family mausoleum.
She had no idea where she was going as she briskly walked the streets of Storybrooke. She hadn't even been aware that her feet had carried her to the spot she'd shared her first kiss with Robin in the woods after she'd told him to keep her heart until she noticed the logs centered around an old campfire long ago abandoned. She sniffled and wrapped her arms tightly around herself, mostly because the reality of the situation had finally and fully sunk in for her but partly because of the night chill that blew past her bare arms and exposed legs.
She walked a little faster, further into the woods, and hiked up a steep hill in her high heels. She went further and further and even when she'd reached the top of the hill it still hadn't been far enough. She moved through the clearing at the top of the hill and walked further from the trees and stumbled upon the edge of the clearing she knew would be there to overlook the town. What she hadn't known would be there was the parked yellow Bug.
She caught a glimpse of Emma's reflection in the rearview mirror because Emma's windows did little to conceal the car's interior. She knew Emma wasn't happy by what she could make of the blonde's expression in the mirror, but it wasn't until she slowly, hesitantly, approached the Beetle that she noticed Emma had been crying. She felt a pang in her heart, sympathy or maybe even empathy. She knew nothing of what had brought Emma to the same outlook in the woods she herself had run off to, but it seemed they'd had a few more things in common than either of them had previously realized.
Without any more hesitation, Regina tapped on Emma's window and begged with her understanding expression for the other woman to open up.
Emma jumped in her seat at the unexpected company, but seemingly calmed within seconds when she saw it was Regina. Their eyes locked for a moment before the blonde pressed a button and the doors made a thunk sound as the locks popped open.
Regina walked around the front of the car and let herself into the passenger's seat with as much ease as Emma had exuded when she'd entered her vault and her office and her life. She closed the door behind her and for a moment, the two of them just sat in silence as they stared out at the lights of Storybrooke so far away and down below.
"What are you doing out here," Emma's scratchy voice broke the quiet moment.
"What are you doing out here," Regina responded.
"I didn't know where else to go," Emma's voice cracked a little when she swallowed down a lump and fought off a few more tears.
"Me either," Regina very softly admitted.
They looked away from Storybrooke and at each other and both saw the bottled up tears ready to fall in the other's eyes at any given moment. Another moment of silence passed between them, their eyes still locked on each other the entire time.
"I can't control my magic," Emma said.
Regina gave a watery chuckle. "You've never really had control of your magic."
Emma's lips pulled into a frown and her chin wobbled. She looked away from Regina and ran her hands through her hair before she smacked them against the steering wheel.
Regina jumped a little at the small but still unexpected outburst.
"I hurt my dad today," Emma cried. "I didn't mean to. I told them I couldn't control it and they wouldn't leave me alone and I just…I don't know. Exploded? I can't… It just…"
She sobbed and Regina cringed at the familiarity of being out of control, doing things that hadn't been a part of the plan or reason for why magic lessons had been started. She reached over the center console and gently, supportively, touched Emma's shoulder.
Emma gasped and a bright glow emanated from her hands before a spark shot off and made the car jump off the ground then shake back and forth once it landed. Emma ran a hand through her hair again and she cried even more as she leaned forward and pressed her forehead to the top of the steering wheel.
"Why is this happening to me," she asked as she continued to break down.
That had been the exact question Regina had asked herself during the kissing in the vault, before she'd left Robin to get some air and breathe and avoid him again. Why couldn't he have left her alone? Things had been better and less confusing and ten times less painful for her when she'd been avoiding him.
"Emma…" Regina calmly, soothingly, said.
Emma kept her head down and pressed against the steering wheel, seemingly unresponsive.
"Emma," Regina tried again before she carefully reached out and placed a hand on Emma's back.
No magic emerged from the younger woman and her shoulders relaxed a little under her touch even before Regina started to rub Emma's back. It hadn't been how she'd planned to spend her evening, but when she thought about it where else would she be? The two of them were both flickering lights in the utter darkness that surrounded them. Both broken and unchecked and far from being fixed and Regina supposed they might always somehow end up like this. Together. Alone. Hurt and seeking comfort, seeking things not typically found but constantly and desperately needed.
The physical comfort Regina provided felt a little awkward to her, but it appeared to work. If she was trying to stay selfless and good, she would at least let Emma feel content. One of them should feel something positive at least. And Regina doubted there was much Emma could do to help her after the progression of things in her vault before she'd found Emma. No, not found. They weren't Snow and Charming. They didn't find each other. They…unintentionally ended up in the same time and place together.
Emma took a deep breath and wiped her tears as she sat up.
Regina pulled her hand away before Emma could crush it between her back and the car seat and she placed both of her hands in her lap, picked her cuticles to keep them busy.
"What are you doing," Emma asked with a confused look.
"I… Well… Don't friends comfort each other?"
"Are we…? Are you… What brought you here, Regina?"
"Nothing. It's not important."
Emma turned in her seat to face the brunette. "It's important enough for you to not only end up here with me, but actually knock on my window and talk to me."
"I thought we were going to try being friends…again, or…for the first time. Whatever."
Emma smiled and let out a breathy little laugh. "Careful. You're starting to talk like me now."
Regina rolled her eyes.
"Fine. You don't want to talk about why you're here? We don't have to talk about it," Emma continued after a moment. "But you should know, I don't plan on going back there any time soon."
Emma looked through the windshield at Storybrooke to indicate where she wasn't going and Regina looked forward at the town below before she replied, "I just got here. I'm not planning on going back there for a while yet either."
Regina felt Emma's gaze on her and almost missed the smirk the blonde flashed her, but she'd turned a little at the just the right moment and caught it before Emma looked away and sat back.
Silence, not so surprisingly comfortable, stretched on between them again and it felt oddly enough like their stakeout. It amazed Regina to know that she could sit with Emma Swan of all people and not say a word and be completely fine. Both had things that had brought them down and brought them out to the edge of the woods the overlooked the town they'd run from, but Regina almost forgot to care what had gotten her there. And maybe that had been what had prompted her say, "We can resume your magic lessons if you'd like" because she'd said it before she even knew what she'd been saying.
Emma's bright, puppy-like smile in response made it worth it whether she'd actually meant to offer further help or not. Then it hit her that nothing had felt so natural to her, aside from everything Henry, in a while. No matter what else was going on around them, she and Emma either fighting or helping each other was a constant. Emma was a constant.
She looked over at the blonde who took less than a minute to look back at her. They shared another look and another silent moment, but so much was said between the looks on their faces. It had to have been because Emma had asked a question like it was a statement only seconds later.
"You being here has something to do with Robin, doesn't it."
Regina looked her over before she gulped and looked down and nodded.
"It's still because I brought her back, isn't it. Regina, I'm so sorry. I can't…I still wouldn't take back saving her, but…I really don't want to be the root of your pain."
Regina shook her head.
"It's not your fault. Yes, things would be simpler if you hadn't brought Marian back, but what's happened since then has nothing to do with you. Everything that happened tonight was…us. Me. Choices have been made since Marian's been in Storybrooke and they've been made without your interference. You can stop blaming yourself for my pain because I have."
"I'm still sorry anyway. You should be happy."
"In a perfect world, I would be. And you wouldn't be crying in your car in the middle of the night."
"Yeah," Emma mirthlessly chuckled. "A perfect world. We've never lived in one of those. You in the Enchanted Forest and me in this land? You thought you could have that here, didn't you? And then Henry brought me here and for a while I was a skeptic, but then I found my family and I kept thinking maybe he was right and this was it. This is where everything would be what I've always wanted."
"And then it wasn't," Regina sadly finished for her.
Emma nodded. "And then it wasn't."
"It still can be it for you," Regina informed her.
"How? The second my mom saw my magic flare she backed away from me and the second time it happened she scolded me. I get it. I do. I don't even want to be around myself so why should I expect anyone else to stand by me while my magic lashes out and hurts everyone?"
"Because they're your family! I swear your mother is the worst."
"My mother? What about yours?"
Regina sighed, shook her head, and rolled her eyes. "That's different. She didn't have her heart and she was selfish. Your mother has her heart."
"She's probably just protecting Neal," Emma quickly defended with slight defeat.
"Why has your magic been out of control?"
"What does that have anything to do with—"
"Why," Regina stressed again and ignored whatever Emma had tried to ask.
Emma shrugged. "I don't know."
"Yes, you do. Think. Magic is emotion. How many times do you need to hear that before you accept that this is happening because, and I quote, 'they don't understand me'?"
"If you already know the answer to what you're asking me then why ask me?"
"Because I don't needto know the answer. You do. This is your life, Emma, your magic. Learning how to access it and cast a few spells doesn't automatically give you the control you're asking for. You want to be able to tame that magic and use it on command? To use it without hurting the people you care about? You need to keep your emotions in check. You can't do that until you start dealing with them because sooner or later you're going to have to get over them and move on or you're going to have to accept them and use them to your advantage."
"But…I don't want to feel like this."
"How do you want to feel?"
"Loved! Is that so hard for them? To love me? Even Hook can love me and he's a pirate!"
"Are you sure you're not confusing obsession and lust with love?"
"That is not helping, Regina."
"You're right. I'm sorry." Regina sighed. "If he does love you, though, doesn't that show you that you can be loved?"
"Just not by my own parents who gave me up to save all of them and because I'm some stupid savior it makes me untouchable. Not above anyone, just untouchable."
Regina reached out and gently grabbed Emma's wrist. When Emma looked up from the contact and into her eyes with a hopeful but confused expression so innocent, Regina slid her hand over Emma's palm and pinched the web of her hand.
"Ow!"
"You seem pretty touchable to me," Regina said with a small, satisfied smirk.
"That's not what I meant and you know it," Emma said with a grimace as she held her pinched hand to her chest then hissed.
"I do know what you meant just like I also know you're the only one who can change that fact."
"I can't make them love me."
"They already do love you, Emma."
"You didn't see the way they looked at me, Regina."
"Are you sure you're not just projecting? They love you, but maybe you don't love yourself. Do you even like yourself?"
"That's ridiculous," Emma glared at Regina and dropped her hand back in her lap.
"Is it," Regina asked with a raised eyebrow. "Why is it that I'm the only one that understands you? I probably know more about you than they do."
"Because you had Sidney dig up all my records," Emma snapped.
Regina shook her head with a tiny, knowing grin that faded just as quickly as it had been formed. "Walsh isn't in your files."
Emma's eyes widened.
"That girl you trusted who hurt you isn't in your files. The fact that you think your parents are so afraid of you they could never love you isn't in your files. Granted I only know about Walsh because of Henry and that was when he didn't remember me, but the other things are things I know because you told me. Have you told them? Do they know how you feel?"
"They didn't find me," Emma softly said. "You did."
Oh, no. No. There wasn't any finding each other. What wasn't clear about that? Had she even made that clear?
"I didn't find you. I happened upon you," she corrected.
"Does it really matter how you got to me? Finding me, accidentally coming to the same place I did. What's the difference when you're still here in either case?"
"The difference is one happens by design and the other by accident."
"Then we have a lot of accidents."
But out of all the accidents Regina claimed the two of them had, what Emma did next certainly wasn't one.
Emma's eyes went from Regina's eyes to her lips and though everything seemed to move in slow motion, it still felt sudden when she leaned in and kissed her.
Regina was a willing participant for the second time that night, but she didn't taste alcohol. Emma was emotionally fragile before she'd initiated the kiss, but she was committed to the moment without a third party aid. When she shifted forward in her seat and deepened the kiss, Emma had done it knowing exactly what she was doing and what she wanted and she wasn't going to sober up and regret it. There was always the chance that she was only caught up in the moment and as soon as they separated Emma would still regret it, but it didn't feel that way when Emma kept kissing her, moving closer to her.
Something that was an accident during their little moment was the needy moan that had no chance of sounding quiet in the cramped space of a beat up old car that fell past Regina's lips. She didn't let it stop her or Emma, though, and that was undeniably on purpose.
The younger woman cupped the back of her neck and fused them at the mouth as she slid her tongue past parted red lips.
Regina reached out and gripped the interior of her door with one hand while she placed the other hand on Emma's hip. She tried to get her left leg over the center console, but only managed to bang it against the barrier that made it almost impossible for things to go any further. She groaned through her pain and started to pull back a little from the kiss, but Emma seemed to get it.
Emma slid a hand over Regina's knee and rubbed it as she moved it away from the console. As Regina leaned back in her seat and pulled Emma along with her, the younger woman awkwardly but efficiently maneuvered over the center console and slid her hand from Regina's knee further up her leg.
Regina moaned again and her hand traveled from Emma's hip to her lower back. Her fingers dipped underneath Emma's shirt and as it roamed toward Emma's bra, the black long-sleeved shirt rode up with it.
Emma's thumb tucked under the hem of Regina's red dress and her hand moved dangerously close to the other woman's heat before she snaked her arm around Regina's back and pulled the woman away from the back of the seat. She removed her other hand from the back of Regina's neck and after a few seconds, Regina felt the seat back fall away behind her. Emma ran her hand around to Regina's front again and gently pushed at her abdomen as she pressed her weight forward, further into Regina.
Regina clutched at the waistband of Emma's jeans at the blonde's hip with her free hand and leaned back. She pulled Emma with her as she laid out on the seat and whimpered when Emma positioned herself between Regina's partially spread legs then melted flush against her. She arched into the blonde then reached behind herself and started to unzip her dress. She elbowed Emma's forearm in the process as the blonde held herself up with a hand pressed into the seat just beside Regina.
Emma grabbed Regina's wrist and stopped her from further unzipping her dress.
Regina furrowed her brow and frowned as she broke the kiss. She looked up at Emma with a sad and confused expression, but Emma answered her unasked questions in an instant.
Emma replaced Regina's hand with her own and slowly, so very slowly, continued to pull down the zipper. She kept her eyes locked on Regina's the entire time and watched as Regina gasped and lifted off the seat when needed to help along the process. Once the zipper reached its end, Emma leaned in and kissed Regina again. Just once. Short but lingering. It was as intense as a chaste kiss could get and it was followed by Emma pulling the dress down Regina's shoulders and arms. She exposed Regina's bra and paused her actions at Regina's waist.
Regina didn't have time to say or do anything when Emma stopped. Not before the blonde languidly kissed her neck and trailed more kisses down to her chest. Her breathing quickened a little and one of her hands found the back of Emma's head, threaded fingers in blonde hair and encouraged the other woman's hot mouth to continue.
Emma kissed past Regina's bra and lavished Regina's stomach with wet pops and little pecks and the closer to the dress she kissed, the farther down Regina's body she moved it. She made it down to Regina's hips and bunched up the dress at the top of the brunette's panties. She kissed just above the waistband for black lace and Regina's nails scrapped her scalp when she squirmed and gasped.
Regina tugged Emma's hair and forced the blonde to look up at her.
"Not that," Regina said and gulped. "Not yet."
Emma slid back up Regina's body and kissed her firmly on the lips. When she pulled away, she said, "Okay. Just that? Or do you want to stop?"
Regina shook her head and took Emma's hand in hers, guided it down to where Emma had kissed her and hesitated a moment. Emma just stared at her and waited, so patient and kind and it wasn't an accident. None of it was an accident. They'd found each other. Unintentionally, obviously, over and over. Regina pushed Emma's hand into her panties and squeezed her eyes shut as she let a loud and uncontainable moan escape her when Emma's fingers skimmed over her clit.
She gripped Emma's wrist for dear life and opened her eyes to see Emma gaze at her with fierce, beautiful, glowing admiration.
"Do you trust me," Emma asked as she kept her hand still unless Regina approved her next move either verbally or physically.
"I have for a while. Yes," Regina slowly confessed.
"And you're okay with this? Here?"
"Do you think your hand would be where it is if I wasn't?"
"Okay."
Emma leaned in, but continued to keep her hand still, and almost kissed Regina again. Almost.
Regina tipped her head back so Emma's lips hovered over her chin to stop the kiss and took a deep breath. "Wait, is this…where you conceived our son?"
Emma smiled as she pulled away just enough to look at Regina and laughter bubbled to the surface.
"In this car? Yes. Here, in this seat? No."
"Have you cleaned the interior since then?"
"It's been about twelve years, Regina. I've cleaned it several times since then."
"Well, I'm sorry I don't want to have sex in the same spot you writhed around all sweaty and other kinds of sticky with someone else."
Emma's smile spread. "Remind me to have another heated make out session with you in this car next time I'm feeling down because this is really cheering me up."
Regina rolled her eyes.
"We're about to not even be doing that if you don't start warming me up again."
Regina hadn't realized she'd started to loosen her grip on Emma's wrist little by little whenever Emma talked.
"Only if you tell me it's okay. We're about to have sex in my car. We could be anywhere else right now, somewhere more…special."
"I don't want to be anywhere else. In case you didn't notice, we ran from town. I'm still not in a hurry to get back. Are you?"
"No."
"So unless you want to take me against a tree or in the grass and dirt in the woods, here is fine."
"Oh, it's fine? Just fine?"
Regina huffed.
Emma smirked.
"Next time I'll light a bunch of candles around your bedroom and we can enjoy your billion thread count sheets," Emma said after a moment.
"Is there going to be a next time?"
"If you'll have me. No pun intended. Okay, maybe a little intended."
Regina's grip on Emma was relaxed, but still present and she used it to silently command Emma to do what the other woman had no longer seemed to be in a rush to do. She slid Emma's hand through her slick folds and promptly shut the blonde up.
Emma bit her bottom lip and Regina made sure the woman knew what she'd started.
"Is there going to be a next time, Emma," Regina purred as she slid Emma's fingers further into her heat.
"With you, there's always going to be a next time," Emma promised. "It's inevitable with all our little accidents, right?"
"Yes. Accidents," Regina agreed before she guided Emma inside of her and with her free hand, pulled the other woman down for a kiss.
They did what Regina couldn't do with Robin. She allowed herself to be stripped bare and didn't pull away, didn't once question if Emma would leave her, if Emma should leave her. There was the problem of the pirate, but Emma gave her everything. She seemed more committed to even the possibility of a friendship with her than she was to her relationship with Hook. Though what they did was only a moment in time, it felt like forever with every sigh, moan, breathy plea, and names cried out in pleasure.
The windows fogged, the car rocked, and Regina felt magic, their magic, in an entirely different but not unwanted way. Their clothes littered the backseat and Regina thought she saw their panties get tossed aside onto the driver's seat, but she couldn't be sure because she was too lost in Emma and her fingers and the overall way it made her feel to have Emma there with her, to express uncomplicated feelings to her in the best form of communication they had: action.
Regina held her breath as she felt her orgasm approach like building waves and wrapped an arm around Emma's waist and clawed the side of her seat, dug her nails in, as the waves of pleasure suddenly crashed and washed over her. Regina finally exhaled once the orgasm hit and her body started to relax.
"Oh my god," Regina panted and let go of the seat.
She pushed her hair out of her face and tried to catch her breath while Emma peppered her with soothing yet teasing kisses along her stomach, legs, breasts, and neck.
"Intense?" Emma looked at her when she asked between kisses.
Regina nodded.
"You did that thing…and then…my magic…" Regina breathlessly tried to explain. "And your magic. Then there was that other thing."
"Which thing," Emma asked with a grin then brought her mouth down to one of Regina's breasts. "This thing?"
Emma swirled Regina's nipple with her tongue before she sucked it into her mouth.
Regina arched off the seat and moaned before she shook her head. "No."
Emma's grin widened after she released Regina's nipple and dropped down to her navel. "This thing?"
Emma dipped her tongue into Regina's navel and kissed then gently bit just above it, her tongue still in her navel for the kiss before the soft bite.
Regina stifled a moan that time and pulled Emma away from her body.
"Here, let me show you," Regina said as she nudged Emma onto the center console and kissed her with everything she had.
Accident after little accident happened again and again throughout the night, including powerful post-coital admissions shared between two glowing and sated women before they fell asleep in each other's arms.
"I found you," Regina said on the brink of sleep.
"This wasn't an accident," Emma said a few seconds later.
And just before they drifted off, they simultaneously said, "I know."
A/N: Lots of borrowed lines from Buffy. Maybe you caught them. I figured if the show writers want to include some things from that show, I'd do it too, but hopefully better. :) Anyway, this was a oneshot that wasn't supposed to be written today, but after last night's episode I just couldn't let go of this idea. And then it turned into more than I thought it would as a oneshot. In fact, I thought I was just going to post it on Tumblr as a short little drabble, but Swan Queen just took over and this was the result. Thoughts?