Going to school yesterday might have been the worst decision I ever made. Why didn't I just stay at home? Nothing good ever came from going to school. The people were unpleasant, the assignments boring, and if there was a purpose, I had yet to discover it. But being an idiot, I got out of my lovely, cozy bed and started getting ready for school. I debated what to wear, wanting to look nice but also yearning for comfort. Finally, I settled on my Dunder Mifflin shirt, a dark green sweater, and my favorite pair of jeans. I laced up my Converse, grabbed a granola bar, and headed to school.
As soon as I walked into the cold, horrible building known as school, I was greeted by my…friend, if I can call her that. Honestly, it wasn't even a greeting. Beatrice doesn't talk to me unless I start a conversation, and even then, it's just a simple "yes" or "no." She smiles, though. That's her way of greeting me. I went to drop my stuff at my locker and grabbed my homework for my first hour class. I procrastinated last night again, but it would all be fine because Spanish was easy. I still had a lot of time before the first bell, so I took my normal spot in the hallway and began working. From my seat, I could see who was walking into the school. Everyone had to walk past me to get to their lockers. I don't pay much attention until about five minutes before the bell rings. The only person I really care about in my school arrives at about that time, so I pretend to look busy while I wait. Finally, with just a minute before the bell, I see him: Josh. I can't describe how he makes me feel, but I know that I like him. I know I shouldn't, but I do. I shiver as he walks past me. He's clearly in a hurry; he looks flustered with his hair swept to the side. Suddenly, the bell rings, snapping me out of my little stupor.
I had suffered through the full seven hours of school and it was FINALLY time for me to go home. I grabbed my purple backpack from my locker and turned slightly to the right. That was my big mistake. His locker was against the other wall, just a few feet away, and he was gathering his stuff. Suddenly, he looked up and caught my eye. Those big, brown, puppy-dog eyes…and then I was trapped. I couldn't look away. It was like he was staring into the depths of my soul, unlocking all of my secrets and accessing my innermost thoughts. All of a sudden, I felt my body hit something. Numbly, I looked and realized that I ran into a locker. I had been so caught in his gaze that I had ran into a fucking locker! The embarrassment was crippling. I hurried away, praying that he wouldn't remember that, praying that moment wasn't forever burned in his mind. I was such a klutz! Walking out the door, I realized I had a tear in my eye. I hated how this boy had such a grasp on me. I've never felt so self-conscious; I've never cared so much about the little things. It was unnerving. I was trying not to dwell on the fact that I had just made myself look so stupid in front of the person who mattered the most to me, but how could I not?
The next day, I groaned as sunlight hit my face. I never wanted to go back to school for fear that people…no, just a specific person, would remember a certain event from yesterday. Plus, we had our final exams today, so that wasn't exactly contributing to my excitement. I had spent my time at home yesterday alternating between studying and replaying the horrific episode from yesterday, and I was exhausted. I opted for the comfortable look today and skipped breakfast. I had to get to school early because I had a pre-finals study session. Once I got there, I grabbed my notebook and pen and ran to the library. I was five minutes late and I was scared they weren't going to let me in. The teacher running the session wasn't exactly known to be the kindest instructor there. Thankfully, they let me in, and we spent the next half-hour reviewing for exams. My friend Skylar and I were walking to our lockers. We had about ten minutes before class began, so we were just relaxing and talking. Then, I realized who we were sharing the hallway with…of course, it was Josh and his friend Luke. Josh and I locked eyes and I had a terrible flashback to the day before. We both kept walking, but we maintained eye contact until we passed each other.
"I swear, you freak out every time you see him!" Skylar giggled. I grimaced. "It's not like I can help it. If I could, it would never happen again. I just hope he doesn't remember that dumbass move I made yesterday." Skylar burst out laughing and I playfully punched her arm. "Come on," I said. "Let's get to class early so we can study some more."
After two tests, I finally had P.E. Not that I like P.E. because I absolutely do not, but we don't do anything in P.E. on exam days, so I basically had an hour and a half of free time, which I welcomed after Spanish and Biology. Plus, it was the only class I shared with my friend and personal therapist, Grace. We were sitting in the bleachers, watching the boys playing basketball while talking about the tests. Grace paused for a moment, but I only sort of realized. "Rose? You okay?" she asked. I peered at her, giggling a bit. "I'm fine," I laughed. "I was just a bit distracted by Josh again." P.E. is the only class I have with Josh, and he spends most of his time playing basketball, but today he seemed a little distracted. He kept glancing over at Grace and me, and his being distracted was distracting me. "It's just a circle of distraction," I laughed, tilting my head subtly toward Josh. Grace saw what I meant and was silent for a bit, observing.
"Rose. He keeps looking over here. I think he's looking at you!" Grace whispered with excitement. I looked down at my binder, pretending to study. "Grace, don't be ridiculous. He's definitely looking at you. Don't get my hopes up." She looked at me, her brown eyes sad. "I wish you weren't so hard on yourself. Why is it so difficult for you to believe that he might like you?"
I leaned back against the next row of bleachers, sighing loudly. "You know why, Grace. I told him how he felt, and all he said was "Dang, nice, dude." I got his message, loud and clear. He just isn't interested, and it's time for me to get over it." I shifted positions so I was lying down and looking at the ceiling. "I'm just going to try to ignore him, Grace. I think it'll be good for me."
After our chair tests in band, I was talking to another one of my friends, Kaitlyn, about the events from the day before. Trying to forget Josh wasn't exactly going as smoothly as I had hoped. Kaitlyn thought it was hilarious that I ran into a locker, but she looked at my face and realized how flushed I was and stopped her maniacal laughing.
"Dude, honestly, he probably thought it was adorable. Boys love when girls fumble like that; they think it's cute. Plus, it's you and everyone thinks you're adorable." I laughed sarcastically. "You're such a freaking liar, Kaitlyn. If people thought I was cute, more boys would try to talk to me. Only desperate creeps ever hit me up. Honestly, it's a self-destructive habit for me to want more. I know it'll never happen between Josh and me." Then, I mentioned something about running into him this morning. Kaitlyn stopped me and asked, "Wait. What time was it this morning?" I gave her a weird look. "I don't know why it matters to you, but it was 7:50." Kaitlyn jumped out of her chair and jumped up and down, clapping her hands.
"Rose! He came into the computer lab right after that and he was sooo flustered! He totally likes you! You should go talk to him!" I looked at her and burst out laughing. "Kaitlyn. There's no way. You remember what happened when I told Josh that I liked him. Do we need to have another conversation about that?"
Kaitlyn wasn't finished. She exclaimed, "But Rose! Don't you think there's at least a chance that he likes you? What do you have to lose? If you really like him, then you should just go for it!" I considered her words. Maybe, just maybe, there was a tiny chance, but I didn't want to put myself out there again. I was nervous enough when I confessed my feelings to Josh the first time. Did I want to go through the nerve-wracking process again? But the more I thought about it, the more I realized that Kaitlyn was right. If this was something I really wanted, I had to just take the leap.
As soon as the final bell rang, I grabbed my homework for the weekend and walked through the parking lot. The sunshine hitting me might have felt like a warning this morning, but right now, it felt empowering. I stopped when I got to Josh's car and I waited. And waited. What was taking him so long? The parking lot was quickly becoming empty, and I began to feel stupid just waiting around. Maybe this was a mistake. I had been waiting for close to twenty minutes. Finally, I saw Josh walking out of the building. When he realized that I was waiting at his car, he stopped for a second, then ran over to me.
"Rose!" he shouted. "Rose!" I laughed and waved at him. When he finally reached me, he broke into a huge grin. His hair was all messy, and my God, it was adorable. I was suddenly greeted with a mental image of Olaf melting, and I giggled to myself a bit. "Rose, I was waiting at your locker for you. I have to tell you something." I was about to interject, but he stopped me, saying, "Just…let me say it first. I have to get this off my chest." I nodded and waited for him to continue, my heart pounding out of my chest.
"Rose. I…really like you. Like, a lot. I know what I said when you told me you liked me, and I feel horrible. I only said that because I was nervous. I don't exactly have many people who tell me that they like me, and I just didn't know how to react. But I've had a lot of time to think, and I want to do this. I really, truly like you, Rose."
My heart felt it was overflowing. Was I floating? I wouldn't have been surprised. Everything seemed surreal, but it felt right. I smiled up at Josh and pulled him down to me, kissing him, sharing all of the emotions I didn't realize had been pooling in me. This was right. We were right.