Warnings: implied yaoi, lack of seriousness, possible OOCness. Also, I'm not up to date with the manga, so this might be somewhat out of sync with current events in SS.

Rated T for suggestiveness, some language and safety.

Characters/pairings: Renji, Ikkaku, somehow Kenpachi/Byakuya

Summary: Never bet against the 11th division captain if you value your sanity.

A/N: My first attempt at Kenpachi/Byakuya. It came out...weird.

The bet

Madarame Ikkaku snorted.

"This has to be the stupidest idea I've ever heard."

"At least it'll be a show, mate," said Renji, clapping him on the back. He looked at the man who would be providing it. "Not that I'm doubting your power or, uh, appeal or anything, taicho," he added, hastily, "but if not even Rangiku managed to get him…"

Zaraki Kenpachi just laughed.

"The only problem I'd ever have with banging that princess is the stick up his ass. Soon's I got that out I'd have 'im licking my feet."

"I think that's the point Renji's tryin' to make, taicho. That stick has been there all his life. It'd take heavy persuading just to get him to loosen up. And by persuading, I mean a whole lotta booze." Ikkaku nodded sagely, then shrugged. "But you're right, man, this oughta be fun." Suddenly, he fell silent. The other two, sensing the same reiatsu, looked expectantly around the corner. Sure enough, seconds later, Kuchiki Byakuya appeared in all his icy glory. The two officers winked at the 11th division captain, whispering "go get him, taicho!" and guffawing before disappearing. Kenpachi was left standing before the captain's office in the 6th division headquarters, deserted save for the two captains.

"Zaraki." Byakuya's tone was disgusted, to say the least. "What brings you here?"

The usual reply to this would have been "none of your business", if Kenpachi was feeling generous, or a punch if he wasn't. But today he was kind of intruding in Byakuya's headquarters and, more importantly, his reputation was at stake. So he answered, sort of.

"Captain business," his voice was as close to pleasant as it could get, "let's step into your office, and just… uh, discuss it in pry-vett, yeah?"

Byakuya sighed the long-suffering sigh of a martyr, not bothering to notice Kenpachi's strange behavior.

"If we must…" he said with resignation.

The door to the office closed behind them. After a few minutes of silence, two heads poked out from behind another door.

"What d'you think he's doing?" Renji almost-whispered, stifling a laugh.

"Dunno," answered Ikkaku in the same tone, "I mean, can you imagine taicho trying to chat someone up?"

There was a thoughtful pause as each man created his own disturbing mental image. It was ended by a sound from the captain's office that could only be described as:

"Meeowrrghhhraaarrrw!"

It was followed by a series of similar noises, interspersed with grunts and curses, which went on for what seemed like an eternity. Then there was a very different kind of pause, filled with very different but equally disturbing images.

Finally, Renji asked:

"What d'you think he's doing now? You don't think he really…"

"Yeah right. Uh… your taicho can hold his own 'gainst mine in a fight, you said?"

"He's kicked Kenpachi out of his office a few times already. But… Zaraki-taicho wouldn't just attack, would he? Not when he's supposed to be, well, flirting…" he trailed off. "Oh god."

Madarame decided to ignore that last bit, lest he come to the same conclusion as his friend.

"I don't feel any reiatsu though—perhaps we should just, you know, go and check?" the 3rd seat immediately realized the stupidity of his own suggestion. "I mean… through a window. From far away. Or maybe just—"

He was interrupted by the sound of the door banging open. The pair looked up in surprise as Zaraki strode out into the corridor, unharmed, a self-satisfied look on his face. Two eyebrows shot up. He stopped before them and said:

"Easy as pie. Toldja I could."

"Yeah right."

"Sounded like you were torturing a cat in there, taicho."

"No way Kuchiki-taicho would be so loud. And he'd never make those weird noises."

"C'mon, first time lucky? And you weren't even there an hour!"

Kenpachi just looked at them, mildly bored.

"And this is Kuchiki the ice princess we're talking about…"

"Yeah, what did you do, offer to never bug him again or something?"

The two officers were sounding more doubtful as the captain's expression remained smug.

"I just went in there without any pansy bullshit, pushed him up against the wa—"

"Spare us the details, please", begged a wide-eyed Renji.

"Heh. Okay. Look, you wanted proof?"

They suddenly found themselves terrified, wondering what would qualify as 'proof' for a man like Zaraki.

"Uh, no, that's all right, taicho…"

"Yeah, yeah, we believe you…"

Kenpachi ignored them.

"When you go into your taicho's office," he said, turning to Renji, "before he gets it cleaned out or whatever, look at the wall to the…" he frowned for a moment, lifting both hands up and waving them experimentally, "right. The right wall. And I think I left some marks, too, on his—"

"I'll look at the wall!" Abarai interrupted, not wanting to hear any more. "I'll go look right now."

Later, in an admirable feat of denial, the lieutenant managed to convince himself that there was no definite proof that his captain had… with Zaraki… no, no, it hadn't happened. It hadn't. At most, they'd have had a fight. Yeah, that was it. That would explain the weird noises. And the two sets of marks on the right wall, which looked suspiciously like scratches. And the way taicho had been adjusting his uniform when Renji came in. And the bright red mark he had glimpsed on Kuchiki's neck.

It could only be a bruise. Right?