TITLE: Monsters from the Id
AUTHOR: Tiffany Park
CATEGORY: Humor
SPOILERS: None
RATING: G
CONTENT WARNINGS: Extreme silliness and absurd situations
SUMMARY: Kurogane comes face to face with his worst nightmare. He reacts about as well as you might expect.
STATUS: Complete
ARCHIVE: Please ask first
DISCLAIMER: Tsubasa Reservoir Chronicle and its characters belong to CLAMP, Del Rey Ballantine Books, Random House Inc., Kodansha Ltd., Funimation, and probably a whole bunch of other people and companies I know nothing about. This story is for entertainment purposes only and no money exchanged hands. No copyright infringement is intended. The original characters, situations, and story are the property of the author. This story may not be posted elsewhere without the consent of the author.
AUTHOR'S NOTES: In honor of Halloween, a horror story especially for Kurogane...
Monsters from the Id
By Tiffany Park
The new world was completely disgusting.
Kurogane scowled, taking in his surroundings and scanning for threats. Although nothing appeared dangerous, the scenery was an offense to his eyes. The place was so sharply defined and vividly colored it was practically hallucinogenic. Emerald green grass carpeted everything, from the flat meadow to the hills that rolled gently away into the distance. Patches of wildflowers dotted the pretty meadow like chromatic explosions.
Out of the clearest, bluest sky Kurogane had ever seen, the yellow sun cast painfully pure light upon everything and everyone, making the oversaturated colors seem to glow. Impossibly, a brightly hued rainbow arced overhead, even though there wasn't a single cloud in the blinding blue sky.
Artfully scattered clusters of trees with graceful, drooping branches and soft blue-green leaves provided just the perfect amount of shade. And...was that a pink unicorn off in the distance? Kurogane barely kept himself from throwing up.
Sakura clasped her hands together. "Oh, it's so beautiful!" she enthused, her eyes shining with delight.
On the other hand, Syaoran just looked stunned, like the excessive, unrelenting brilliance was clubbing him senseless. "Uh, yeah," he said.
Kurogane thought Syaoran agreed only because Sakura liked it.
"You're right, this place is great!" Fai gushed. "It would be perfect for a picnic. What a pity we don't have any food with us."
On the magician's shoulder, Mokona bounced happily. "Mokona agrees! Mokona loves this world! We should stay for a while!"
"No!" shouted Kurogane. When everyone stared at him, he added, "It's a waste of time to just sit here for no reason. You, pork bun. Are there any of the princess's feathers around here?"
Mokona concentrated, then said, "Mokona doesn't sense any of Sakura's feathers." The little white creature looked confused. "But there is something strange..."
"Oh?" said Fai curiously. "Do you have any idea what it is?"
"No. But it's coming this way..." Mokona said. "It's familiar... It's... Them..."
"Them?" Fai asked.
Kurogane loosened his sword in its scabbard, just in case he needed to draw quickly.
"There, over that hill!" Syaoran called, pointing. "I saw something move!"
Kurogane frowned. It did look like something was cresting the hill. A lot of indistinct, multicolored objects. All moving with strange, up and down motions, as though... But that was ridiculous.
Fai said, "It looks like something's hopping just on the other side of the rise. Whatever it is, it looks like there's a bunch of them."
Leave it to the idiot mage to voice the ridiculous, Kurogane thought grumpily. But that was exactly what it looked like. A whole lot of hopping, fuzzy somethings...with floppy ears...
And then the things bounced over the top of the hill and swarmed closer, and the true horror became clear...
"No..." Kurogane gasped, his eyes wide and his hand firmly clasped to his sword hilt.
"They're Mokonas!" Mokona cried gleefully. It hopped off Fai's shoulder and bounced excitedly. "Mokonas! Mokonas! Wheeeeee!"
A wall of bouncing, happy Mokonas approached, jumping with increasing speed. They were followed by even more Mokonas, uncountable numbers, wave after wave after wave. A veritable army of Mokonas, in every color of the rainbow and then some, every last one of them making chirpy noises and laughing inanely.
"Look!" one of them called in an annoying, squeaky voice. "There they are! Our visitors!"
"Visitors! Visitors!" the teeming throngs squealed with gleeful, grinning faces. "Visitors! Visitors!"
"Quick, pork bun!" Kurogane said to Mokona. "Transport us to another world. Any other world!"
But Mokona wasn't listening. Mokona was bouncing just as excitedly as its innumerable kin. "Oh, this is so wonderful! Isn't it wonderful?"
The kaleidoscopic Mokonas filled the meadow and swarmed the travelers. A mob of the creatures made straight for Kurogane and knocked him flat on his back. "Get off!" he sputtered. "Off!" He sat up and shoved several of the fuzzy blobs away from his face. Instead of being discouraged, they surrounded him and crawled all over him. A whole pile of the cutely squealing little monsters settled in his lap, gazing up at him with adoration.
"They seem to really like you, Kuro-pin!" Fai said cheerfully. He also had a crowd of Mokonas gathered around him, but, unlike Kurogane, he was still on his feet. He cradled five of the rotten creatures in his arms. A purple Mokona perched on his left shoulder, a pink one sat on his right. Atop his head was a pale green one.
"Shut up," Kurogane growled furiously. It figured that the idiot mage loved this. He was grinning like a vacuous fool with all those fuzzy, miserable things.
Then even more of the fuzzy, miserable things piled onto Kurogane, knocking him onto his back again.
"Welcome, visitors!" a bright blue Mokona said in sing-song tones. "Welcome to our country! We've never seen visitors like you before!"
"It's Mokona Country!" said Mokona in reply, just as musically. "How wonderful! Mokona Country!"
"I don't care what country it is!" Kurogane shouted. "Get these things off me!" He sat up and shook himself, and multicolored Mokonas were thrown to the ground. They clustered close, practically purring. He couldn't seem to drive them away, no matter what he did.
"No fair, you have the most." Fai laughed, cuddling his revolting new pets. They all laughed with him. "They're just like kitty-cats, aren't they? They zero in on the person who likes them the least!"
"I'm NOT thrilled," Kurogane yelled at him. "Do something, wizard!"
"What do you expect me to do?"
"Oh, they're so sweet," said Sakura. She snuggled into her own pile of Mokonas.
"They are kind of nice," said Syaoran. He looked uncertain, but game. He crouched down and patted one on the head. "Do you have a leader?" he asked them.
The bright blue one chirped, "Who needs a leader when everything's perfect? We all think and do everything exactly alike, so why do we need a leader?"
"Alike! Alike!" the myriads chorused. "We're all alike!"
"I guess that means 'no,'" Fai said, grinning. "Oh, better watch out, Kuro-pipi!"
"What?" Kurogane looked about wildly. More and more Mokonas were crowding into the already overfull meadow. The hills were covered in them, and the travelers were completely inundated. There was barely room to breathe, let alone stand and move about. More and more of the creatures approached, piling higher and higher, and...
...They were all heading toward him. Every single one of them.
"Remember what I just told you about cats?" Fai said, chortling. "They really do seem to like you the most, Kuro-tan!" Even the Mokonas who had been cuddling with Fai deserted him, hopping from his arms to head for Kurogane.
"Nooooo!" Kurogane screamed as droves of Mokonas flocked to him, burying him under a soft, heaving landslide of warm, round bodies and polychromatic fur. He gasped for air, trying to uncover his face, but more and more Mokonas jumped onto the pile atop him. He couldn't move. Their combined weight was immense and it felt like they were pressing him deep into the earth. Even the sky was blocked out: All he could see were fuzzy, brightly-colored Mokonas.
"Nooooo!" Kurogane screamed into the darkness as he sat bolt upright on the narrow futon. A small, round weight tumbled from his chest with a startled squeak. The heavy blankets tangled his limbs. Roughly, he tore the covers away, cursing a blue streak. What a terrible nightmare! How could his own mind have conjured such a horror? He swore some more.
Someone turned on a light. Kurogane looked around the studio apartment one of that demanding, manipulative Witch's minions had loaned them. He noticed that everyone was staring at him with no little alarm.
Syaoran stood next to the light switch, his eyes wide and gawking. Wisely, he didn't say a word.
"Are you all right?" asked Sakura timidly.
From beside Kurogane's futon, Mokona chirruped, "It looks like Kurogane had a bad dream!"
Fai cackled. "Awwww, does Kuro-puu need a hug and someone to tuck him back into bed?"
"I will! I will!" Mokona cried, jumping up and down.
"Shut up, mage!" Kurogane yelled at him, irrationally angry. "You, too, pork bun! It's all your fault!" He shook a threatening fist at the creature, realizing belatedly that Mokona was what he'd felt fall off him when he'd sat up. That rotten creature had been sleeping on top of him! No wonder he'd had such a terrible dream.
"Kurogane's scary!" Mokona chirped. It took a big leap and landed on top of Kurogane's head, where it hopped some more. "Scary! Scary! Scary!" Each word was punctuated with another hop.
"He is, isn't he?" Fai agreed, grinning like an idiot. "It's a good thing he doesn't have nightmares very often!"
Kurogane snatched Mokona off his head and flung the creature at Fai. "Shut up, both of you!"
Without batting an eye, Fai expertly fielded Mokona, again demonstrating that he was more physically adept than he liked to let on. Kurogane scowled at that. Why the wizard downplayed his skills and played the role of a silly, foppish fool was a mystery, an aggravating one, but it wouldn't be solved tonight.
Fai cuddled his fuzzy, miserable pet. "Don't worry, I'll protect you, Mokona," he said, and gave Mokona big, smacking kiss on the cheek.
Mokona kissed back, just as loudly.
Kurogane wanted to throw up. In complete disgust, he whirled and pointed a threatening finger at Syaoran. "Turn off that light and go back to bed! We have a busy day tomorrow and I don't want to have to babysit a bunch of sleepy fools."
Sakura gaped at him, but Kurogane ignored her and glared at Syaoran until the kid wordlessly complied with the order. The room plunged into darkness and a stiff, thick silence.
Through the tense atmosphere, Fai's voice lilted musically, "It wasn't our idea to wake up in the middle of the night, you know, Kuro-pipi."
"Go to sleep, wizard," Kurogane growled, wincing at the awful, undignified, childish nickname. It and all the others that Fai flung at him seemed to follow him everywhere, and now they even harassed him in his nightmares. And that was just the translation into Japanese that Mokona provided. Kurogane shuddered to think what Fai was really saying in his own language. Probably things that were even more incredibly stupid and insulting.
If that was even possible.
With a bad-tempered grunt, Kurogane flopped back down on his futon, buried his head under the covers, and valiantly ignored the fatuous giggling coming from the direction of the mage and the fuzzy pork bun.
Even without more nightmares, it was going to be a very long night.
*** end ***
October, 2011
Additional Notes: This story's title, "Monsters from the Id," is a pivotal line from a very old sci-fi movie called "Forbidden Planet." It is a reference to how a scientist's subconscious mind (the Id) was using thought-driven, alien reality-creating/wish-granting technology to generate bloodthirsty monsters to kill a retrieval team that had been sent to take him and his daughter back to Earth.