This should be it, but it's not. This should have happened long ago, but it didn't.
In some ways, she's grateful. No more suffering. Except, that's hardly true, is it? There will always be suffering. All this achieves is taking her suffering and placing it on someone else. Someone who has suffered for humanity and himself for so long, and will continue to do so until the end of days. Does it make up for past sins? Is penance achievable? Who knows. There's always the chance that it's all bullshit made up to offer a little bit of hope, a little bit of light in the dark abyss of humanity. She treasures her suffering. It's an experience that has shaped her. The lifting of her suffering is merely a smokescreen for the misery that comes along with it's absence.
For the same reasons she persevered through her visions and the agony that came along with them, for the same reasons that lead to her being used and tossed away as if she never meant anything, she wants her suffering back. That reason, is to simply lift just a small burden from another's shoulders, onto her own. No one will ever be burden-less, so the least she can do is share the load. It's what kept her going through the past...however long it's been. Maybe her entire life.
She's changed a lot, she knows that, but she hasn't changed into something that wasn't there deep down all along. No, she just has...perspective, now. Who doesn't gain perspective as they grow? Especially once they're exposed to the absolute worst shade of existence. Sometimes the enemy is so unclear, that the question that comes to her mind is, what if there's no enemy? What if everyone is the enemy? Perspective, that's what it's all really about. She understands that now.
It's a shame that that understanding has come far to late to really help with anything. They're going to have to figure it out for themselves, which is quite a daunting thought considering the single mindedness they each possess. It's hard to think about what they'll become once left to their own grief fuelled vengeance, but she can't ponder that for too long. There's nothing she can do.
Death doesn't suit her. Being idle doesn't suit her. She needs action, adventure. She needs to help people, help the world, because despite her experiences with some of the most inhumane, cruel, disgusting beings in creation, she lives and loves for the beauty that is woven throughout the world. She can see it, everywhere. Well, if she squints hard enough. That's what she fights for, what she suffers for, and she's not going to give up now.
She's not ready to let go, she doesn't want to. She was a cheerleader, a princess, a warrior. She is Cordelia fucking Chase, and this is not how she is going out. She is not some disposable extra in the horror of life, she is the goddamn heroine of this tale. She was, is still, a scoobie, and heaven knows that once they're knocked off their feet they don't stay down for long. Demon, seer, goddess or whatever the hell she is, she knows this isn't the end of her saga. It's simply the end of this chapter.
This is my first fanfiction, so please tell me what you think. I may continue this, or simply leave it as a one shot. Let me know if you think I should continue or whatever. This fic was inspired by a sudden onslaught of intense love and righteous indignation for the legendary lady that is Cordelia Chase, whilst listening to the My Chemical Romance song 'Kiss the Ring'. The song has absolutely nothing to do with this fic, but the line 'the world drives the saints' really hit me as something that applies to Cordy, so here we are. Thank you for reading.
PS I decided to enter this story as BTVS instead of Angel, as if I do decide to continue this it will be set in BTVS with the scoobies rather than Angel.