Originally posted at /works/18308888/chapters/43436156#workskin
...
"Hufflepuff? How can I be a fucking HUFFLEPUFF?"
Allen blinks at him. "The word of the quiz is final, Tyki."
"No. Nope nope nope. I'm taking it again."
.
There's a fist-sized hole in the wall when Allen gets back to the Earl-approved safehouse.
"Hufflepuff again?"
"AAAAAAAAAAAAA." Tyki screams incoherently into the pillow.
"What were you hoping for, fucking Ravenclaw?"
"Slytherin. And I am one, you know."
"The word of Pottermore is final."
.
"How could my Patronus be a Jack Russel Terrier? It's a travesty, is what it is."
"Have you ever actually met a Jack Russel Terrier?"
"The fuck is that supposed to mean?"
"Dogs are the only good people."
"..."
"i was named after a dog, you know."
"You are the literal definition of a Tragic Orphan. You have a Tragic Orphan Backstory and everything!"
.
"Soooooo..."
"What?"
"You've got the tragic backstory. Does that make you Harry Potter?"
"Shut up, Tyki."
.
Allen is used to Tyki's scowl by now. "Unicorn hair? Fucking UNICORN HAIR?"
.
"Allen, did you take the new Ilvermony quiz?"
"Yeah. Thunderbird."
"Same!"
.
(Tyki Mikk is a fucking idiot and Allen kind of likes him.)
.
"So, what House did you get, anyway?"
"If you ask me again I will murder you and leave your ashes in a box at the bottom of the Arctic."
.
"What House?"
"Tyki, I'm trying to take a shower."
.
"Betcha got Hufflepuff too. Or Gryffindor."
"It's 2:14 in the fucking morning. We are literally in the same bed, because this safehouse is stupid and the Earl thinks we should date. And you could check on the computer's history if you wanted to, you know."
"Why would I check the computer at 2:14 in the morning? My eyes are sensitive. I don't have Innocence to build them back for me."
"And I don't have the patience to deal with you at... 2:15 a.m." Allen bunches up the blanket between them.
.
(He wakes up to Tyki making... pancakes? Really? Wow. It's almost cute until he's presented with a his plate. Six pancakes say Hufflepuff and six say Gryffindor. He eats them all anyway, of course- the safehouse has enough pancake mix to last them weeks, even given the rate at which he eats them.)
.
"Hogwarts, Hogwarts, hoggy warty Hogwarts."
"What the fuck, Tyki."
"What the fuck, Allen," he whines in imitation, "just tell me and I'll stop bugging you."
He pokes him in the shoulder. "But it's so fun to keep you guessing."
.
He breaks down less than two weeks into their stay.
"Slytherin."
Tyki turns. Looks up from the book he's reading. "Hmm?"
"My Hogwarts House, according to the Pottermore quiz and every unofficial one I've ever taken."
"What?"
"You heard me."
"I genuinely did not hear you, my dude. Thoroughly engrossed in nineteenth-century poetry, here." He takes a sip of the wine that the Earl should not have left in the basement.
"Slytherin." Allen repeats himself.
Tyki does a truly fantastic spit-take, wine all over that book of poetry.
.
"Well, I suppose it makes sense. You're pretty pragmatic. And ruthless. And I suppose you can be cunning and clever at times. And- oh my God, how did I think you were a Hufflepuff?"
"I can be... hardworking?"
"Dude."
.
Allen stands before the bed they've been sharing. "I've been waiting to use this line for days now."
"Go on."
"Can I slither-in?"