Deep in the Meadow, Under the Willow
It is dark outside as we walk home. There are only the lights from a few houses here and there where people are not yet asleep, to guide our way. My arms are covered with Goosebumps as the blue dress I am wearing only covers my shoulders with its sleeves. I manage to ignore it though.
The tension between us is evident to anyone looking on, fortunately, no one is. I am walking fast, a few steps ahead of Peeta who is barely keeping up behind me. Neither of us are speaking, both too mad at the other. I don´t let the anger capture me again, not yet anyway, and try my best to keep my mind off the fact that I am extremely mad at Peeta for not understanding me.
An owl crying in the woods. That is what I let myself focus on. The nature. It has always been my favorite place to be. A place I could be happy, even with my entire world falling apart. Though, at this moment it doesn´t succeed to distract me. Well yes, but it has me thinking of other things, things that I want to forget along with a lot of other things from my past. Imagining myself in the woods again with my bow and arrows at hand, using all my senses to find game, I always start missing him. Gale. My best friend. The guy who realized I could never love him the way he loved me, who took off to district 2 right after the rebellion had won and Paylor was elected president of Panem, only showing his face in district 12 a few times since.
When I reach the front steps of our house, I am brought back to reality. A part of me is relieved to escape the terrible longing for Gale, but I am quickly reminded why the longing woods are better than reality.
"So you´re just going to ignore me then?" asks Peeta as he closes the door behind him. I don´t say anything as I walk from the door to the living room with its comfortable couch in front of the fireplace that is cold, leaving the house in darkness. Darkness, that is only disturbed by the slight moonlight peeking through the windows. Even though starvation is no longer knocking on our doors, threatening us, district 12 is still one of the poorer districts of the 13.
I sigh as I sit down on the couch and, for the first time, take a look at Peeta. I can´t see much in the dark lighting but I know his pained face whenever there´s fighting. Those flashbacks the Capitol, President Snow, caused him to have are never going to leave him. I know fighting makes it even worse for him. I stand up again and carefully close that distance between us, gently taking his hands. He slowly opens his eyes and I am relieved to find his own blue eyes looking at me, not the dark, angry ones. I wrap my arms around his waist, leaning my head on his muscular chest where I can hear his heart beating. Feel it. He doesn´t hesitate as he wraps his arms around me too, enclosing me in warmth. I close my eyes, enjoying the silence until he disturbs it.
"Why are you so much against having a baby?" he asks. I know he´s looking at me, searching my face for answer. I try to avoid his eyes by burying my face in his shirt. He sighs and I know he´s about to let go of me. I grip him tighter. "Please," I beg him, my voice low, almost not recognizable. His arms fall to his side anyway. I open my eyes and have to blink a few times when they are filled with salty drops of tears that start spilling down my cheeks before I can stop them. Peeta wipes them quickly and leans his forehead against mine.
I always told myself when I was younger that I never wanted kids. Back then, my motivations were clear, I didn´t want to risk losing them to the Hunger Games. But the games are no more. They ceased to exist when the Capitol fell and the rebellion won. So what is holding me back? Every child is safe now. There is no starvation. No reaping of tributes. No parent has to watch their child die on live TV anymore. So what am I afraid of?
I realize that´s exactly it. I´m afraid. Afraid I will be bad at it. Afraid that I won´t be enough. Afraid that I´ll end up hurting them worse than any Hunger Games could. It´s me.
"Katniss?" Peeta tries with a soft voice as he gently strokes a strand of hair behind my ear. "Please talk to me." I open my eyes to look into his. I take a deep breath, knowing that I can´t keep pushing him off and exhales slowly. I avoid his eyes as I answer. "I´m scared."
Peeta brings me close and makes me look at him. "Katniss, there is nothing to be scared of. Snow´s gone. There won´t be any more games. We´re safe," he tells me, of course, I already know this. I know Peeta and I are safe. We no longer have an entire government threatening to tear us apart and torture us in public. Somehow, though, this peace doesn´t seem permanent. I´m afraid something´s gonna happen and I won´t be able to protect my child, just like I couldn´t protect Prim.
I realize that I´m sobbing and struggling to breathe through the hiccups. Peeta tries to comfort me as best as he can, but just the thought of Prim makes me break down emotionally. Her beautiful eyes and her blond hair in the braids. Her innocent nature. Her way that she always cared about others before herself.
This is why I shouldn´t be a mother. I´ll always be on the brink of breakdown. No child should grow up with that. I grew up with it. At the age of 12 I had to raise and feed my four years younger sister and my mother, who was no help at all after my father died. I couldn´t do that to my child. I fear I won´t be able to control it if Peeta and I do have a baby. I fear that I won´t be enough.
When Peeta has gotten me calmed down, he sits me on the couch by the fireplace the by now is alive with red, orange and yellow colors dancing across the coal. It reminds me of my dresses. Of Cinna. Of the girl on fire. I close my eyes and lean back into his warm arms.
"What are you afraid of?" Peeta asks after a few minutes of silence. I sigh and keep my eyes closed as I reply. "Me."
Peeta looks at me, his eyes asking all the questions his mouth doesn´t have to. "I´ll never be the mother a child deserves. Your child deserves. I´ll always be like this. I´ll always have nightmares I´ll never be enough," I explain. My voice is stronger than I thought it would be, but it´s still weak and hoarse from all the crying. If he wasn´t sitting right behind me, I would have thought he hadn´t heard. But he did. He shifts me around so I have to look at him before he speaks up.
"That´s exactly why I know you´ll be better than you give yourself credit for. No, we´ll never be the same as who we were before the games. Before the war. But I don´t want to go back to that. I wish I didn´t have to go through all this pain. I wish you didn´t have those nightmares. I wish a lot of things, but this is what we fought for. Freedom. Don´t let Snow win by making you live in fear too. Don´t give him that satisfaction. Please."
I´m as good as paralyzed after Peeta´s speech. My mind is in overdrive as I try to sort through all this information. I don´t know what to say. I don´t know how to answer that. This is Peeta´s thing. The way he can talk and make anyone listen. The way he can make my knees weak. The way he can make me feel stronger and better when I´m having a bad day, just by the way he speak.
"Okay." The word slips out before I really know what it means. Why did I say it? What am I agreeing to? Peeta doesn´t know either. "Okay?" he asks. His voice is careful, as if he´s afraid to hope. "I´ll think about it," I say with a small sigh and close my eyes again. I seem to slip into a deep sleep quickly and the dreams start.
It´s not a nightmare. There´s nothing dark about it. There´s no pain. No screams. Just the sound of kids running around giggling. A little boy with blonde curls and grey eyes are running in the way only toddlers can. He is trying to catch up with his sister. A girl, a little older than the boy, with dark brown wavy hair and blue eyes. She is giggling too as she stumbles to move faster. Peeta comes running after them with a huge grin on his face. He catches up to the little boy and picks him up easily, making him giggle louder. Peeta starts tickling him, smiles spreading on both their faces.
I wake up from the dream, much to my disappointment. I want to go back to sleep but I´m afraid that it won´t be my dream waiting but rather a dark, unwanted nightmare. I realize I´m in the bedroom that I share with Peeta. The curtains are blowing slightly as the window lets the warm summer air inside. A fresh smell of flowers and life comes with it. I take a deep breath, filling my lungs.
There´s the sound of a door protesting as it´s pushed open and Peeta appears with two cups of steaming hot tea. His blonde hair is messy, just the way I like it best. Ready for me to slip my fingers through. He gives me one of his usual charming smiles as greets me with a kiss.
"I didn´t want to wake you, you seemed so peaceful. Good dream?" he asks as he hands me the cup. He sits beside me with his own cup and sips it carefully. I nod and try to make sense of why I feel so sad that the dream wasn´t true. Those kids were so happy. Peeta was happy. Happier than I´ve seen him since… well ever.
"Wanna talk about it?" he asks, his free hand finding mine. I shake my head. "I want it to be real," I say and I mean it. I know that the dream was exactly what Peeta has proposed for the last many years. I know I can have it if I want it. Because this is what Peeta wants. This is what I am just realizing that I want too.
"I want a baby," I tell him carefully. I look at him and search his face for any signs of what he might be thinking right now. It doesn´t take more than a few seconds for my words to sink in and a smile to spread across his face. He puts our cups away on the nightstand before he pulls me close and start kissing me like there is no tomorrow. I can´t help the giggle that escapes me at his eagerness and excitement. It´s as if I just made him the happiest guy alive.
THE END