Special thanks to Alison Westbrook for editing this story.
--Legless--
"Where are you, Ranma..."
Ranma shot up right, his stomach muscles spasming, his body covered in sweat, his throat raw. Images of Akane, terrified, worried, lost, flooded his mind. He struggled to separate his dream from reality, forcing his breathing to slow and even out.
"Ranma?"
He turned his head to the young woman who stood in his doorway, silhouetted by pale yellow light from the hall, and grinned wanly. "I guess I woke you again."
She shook her head, sending long wisps of black hair swinging, and entered his room, pushing the door open completely. "Do you need water?"
"Yeah. And a fresh shirt, if you don't mind."
"Ranma...I'm here to take care of you," she murmured, entering Ranma's small room and crossing over to the table set beneath his curtained window. She filled a glass with water from a pitcher that was common place in the rooms of the boarding house and pulled a fresh shirt from his closet.
Ranma didn't say anything, just pulled his shirt off and wiped down his body. He accepted the new one, pulling it over his head with a nod.
"Thanks, Tokuko."
"Here." She held out the glass of water, and Ranma took it.
"What do you dream about?" Tokuko asked. Ranma looked at her from the corner of his eye before shaking his head.
"I don't want to talk about it." He handed her the glass, empty now. She sighed and looked down into it.
"I don't understand you, you know. You share the most heart-wrenching stories, encourage others to share, tell them sharing makes it easier, but this pain you won't let go of. Why?"
"It's not a pain I can just let of, Tokuko. It's as ingrained in me as breathing is."
"I don't believe that," Tokuko said, shaking her head. "I've seen people let go of incredible pain, Ranma. You've let go of incredible pain. Your legs for instance. You told me that you spent your entire life trying to be the best martial artist ever. Then you lose your legs. It takes you a month to come to terms with it and find a new focus. Not only that, but you haven't given up martial arts; you've remade it so that you can still do it. That's incredible, Ranma."
She paused waiting for him to say something, but he didn't.
"You can get over this," she pushed.
"I don't want to get over it, Tokuko. I don't. It's that pain that keeps me going. That pain is linked to the only reason I've ever had to do anything, to achieve anything. I won't let it go." There was an edge to his voice, and Tokuko flinched inwardly when she how tightly he fisted his hands. She knew his pain was connected to a woman. She didn't know who the woman was or what had happened between them. No one knew. It was a secret Ranma guarded closely. The only five years of his life that no one knew about.
Tokuko watched Ranma lay back in his bed, putting his arm over his eyes. She knew that in the morning 'he' would be 'she,' and her eyes would be bloodshot from crying.
Tokuko sighed.
"Good night, Ranma." She shut his door and leaned against it. Sometimes she wondered if she wanted Ranma to let go of the pain simply so that he would love her. She knew he wouldn't though. There had been times when Tokuko had seen that love for this other woman unobscured by pain, and it had been deep and strong and unending. Tokuko envied her.
With a sigh, Tokuko pushed herself away from Ranma's room and headed to her own room.
~~~~~
"...six-seventy, six-seventy-one, six-seventy-two, six--"
"Ranma!"
With a grunt, Ranma lowered himself fully to the ground. He pulled his elbows up under him, propped his chin up on his fists, and stared up at the older woman who had called his name.
"Yes, GaoLing? Did you need something?"
The old Chinese woman smiled perpetually and had a habit of exclaiming everything. Ranma adored her, even if there were moments her cheerfulness made him want to rip his hair out.
"You have a guest!"
Ranma blinked startled. "A guest? I don't get guests, GaoLing."
"Well, he's here!"
"Who?"
"Didn't catch the name! Nice young man though! Very polite!"
Ranma nodded and used his hands to spin himself around and then drag himself to his wheelchair. He got himself seated and then smiled at GaoLing.
"Well, show him in."
"Of course!"
As his guest made his way toward him, Ranma studied him. He was small and slender with long, dark hair that fell across his eyes, hiding them from view. He carried an oversized bag that dwarfed his tiny body. He trotted easily across the room, but his gate was not that of a martial artist.
"You Ranma Saotome?" he asked.
Ranma crossed his arms over his chest. "Who wants to know?"
"Me."
Ranma peered at him. "You don't have a name?"
The boy eyed him and then sighed. "I'm not supposed to tell you. I'm just supposed to give you these." He reached into his bag and pulled out a bundle of letters. There were over a hundred of them bound with string.
"Who are they from?" he asked without reaching out. The boy shrugged.
"I ain't gonna tell you. I was paid too much to not obey."
That raised Ranma's eyebrows. "Can I ask you a question?"
"As long as it's not who I am, who hired me, or who the letters are from."
"Am I gonna get a visit from someone I don't want to see?"
The boy looked up and met Ranma's eyes for the first time, startling him with their intensity.
"She ain't gonna come." It was all he said before putting the letters down before Ranma's chair. Ranma waited for him to leave the room before he leaned over and picked up the letters. His name was the only thing on the front of the top envelope, but it was all he needed to see. He dropped the letters into his lap and wheeled himself to his room.
~~~~~
The first letters were angry things filled with curses to be brought down on his head. They were filled with violent ramifications for when she got her hands on him, painful tortures with any and everything. Tears stained the paper and blurred the ink.
Then the tone switched. The letters pleaded with him. They begged and they cried for him to come home. She wanted to know why he didn't come back, why he didn't give her some hope, hope that he was alive, that he cared for her, any hope at all. Tears stained the paper and blurred the ink.
Again the tone switched. The letters became a diary. He knew what she did, what she ate, whom she talked to. He knew what her family did, what his family did, what his friends did. She never said anything about why he wasn't there, why he didn't write her. They weren't angry or upset; they were simply a journal to him. Her life. No tears stained these letters or blurred this ink.
Again there was a change. She was trying to get over him and failing. Between letters of nonchalance, there would be a single letter of desperate questioning. Only those letters were stained with her tears.
The last letter was a single sentence only, one that nearly broke him:
I love you, Ranma.
~~~~~
GaoLing moved through the main room, smiling brightly at the other boarders and passing out drinks. She made her way slowly across the room to where Tokuko stood in the doorway searching the room for someone, Ranma probably. For a moment, GaoLing's smile saddened. Unrequited love was always the hardest to let go, and she felt bad for the young woman. Ranma was a kind soul, but he held tightly to that girl from his past.
Ranma had trusted her with his pain one day long ago, although no one knew. He told her of a girl who had been passion embodied. She had found her way into his heart despite his attempts to keep it from happening. He couldn't stand the thought of her marrying him as he had been, though, and had gone on a trip for a cure. He had promised himself that he would come back, fully man. He hadn't found a cure; instead he had lost his legs. Ranma had refused to go back to her, uncured and crippled. He put on a good front, but GaoLing knew what lay behind that placid kindness.
Abruptly, she realized that Tokuko was calling her name.
"Yes, Tokuko!"
"Do you know where Ranma is? I wanted to see if he wanted to walk by the lake today." The young nurse smiled softly as she said this. GaoLing felt her heart tighten. Yes, unrequited love was always the hardest.
"I don't know, Tokuko! He had a guest, and I haven't seen him since!"
Tokuko's eyes widened in surprise. "A guest? Ranma never has guests."
GaoLing shrugged. "He came and went! Ranma was gone when I came back! Have you checked his room!"
"No, but I will. Thank you, GaoLing."
GaoLing smiled widely and nodded.
~~~~~
"Ranma? Are you in there?" Tokuko knocked again and pressed her ear to the door. No sound reached her, and she was about to leave when Ranma's deep voice came through the door.
"Yeah. I'm in here."
"Can I come in?" she asked frowning. He sounded odd, his voice thick, heavy, weighted.
"Yeah. Do whatever you want."
She started and stared at the door. That had been almost rude, and Ranma was never rude. Cautiously, Tokuko opened the door.
Only the small lamp in the corner of Ranma's room was lit. His bed was covered in letters and envelopes. He sat in his wheelchair with his back to the door. His pigtail lay limp.
"Ranma? Are you all right?"
He held up a letter. She couldn't read the writing in the dim light of the room, but she could see one sentence only, centered perfectly on the page. There was a...deliberateness about the writing that made Tokuko cringe.
"Guess what this says?"
"I don't know." She stepped into his room and shut the door.
"It says the one thing I never thought I'd hear from her. I never told her after all. I never even made the promise to her face, you know." He paused.
Tokuko wanted to say that she didn't know. He hadn't told her anything about this other girl. Ranma reached up and scrubbed at his face with his hand. He lowered the letter, putting it in his lap, and made his way to the pitcher of water that was kept in his room. He filled a glass with water and drank it. His hands were shaking.
"Fuck, Tokuko. I didn't need this. I never really believed that she cared for me as more than a friend. It meant that I could love her and not feel bad for never coming back.
"Her sister probably found me. Nabiki was always good at that kind of stuff. She had everybody under her thumb in Nerima. She knew everyone's dirty secrets. I don't know how she could have found me. Maybe someone from the hospital.
"I've known her since I was sixteen, loved her for nearly as long. I killed for her once. Bet you didn't know that I actually killed someone. He was reborn of course, but still." He paused again. She stared at him.
"I guess I should have seen it coming. I mean, it's the way my life goes after all. I get rid of the other girls, and I know she doesn't care about the curse. I wanted a cure for myself. To feel better about myself. Anyway, I have no one to say no to marrying her, and then I lose my legs. My own damn fault, too. I can't let her be stuck with a crippled freak. I don't think she'd care but everyone else would. I'd be rolling beside her, and I'd hear the whispers. Kuno'd freak. I'd get all sorts of crap about how she deserves better. And she does."
Ranma stopped and sighed. Four words stared up from his lap, accusing him: 'You abandoned her. You broke her heart. How can you live with yourself? How could you do that? And you call yourself a man. You're trash, a coward. You don't deserve her anyway.' He closed his eyes and let his tears stain the letter in his lap.
~~~~~
A young woman stood in the doorway of the entertainment room, her hands twisting her skirt, her lower lip caught between her teeth, her eyes darting from person to person warily. Tokuko walked up to her, dish bin in hand.
"May I help you?"
The woman started nervously, hunching her shoulders. "Yes. I'm here to see Ranma Saotome?"
Tokuko's smile froze on her face. She blinked and struggled to find words. "Oh. I...see. He's, uh, he's--" She turned and looked out across the room unable to think of where he was. Here? No. No, she'd have seen him. The lake? No. She hadn't seen him since he got those letters. Oh, God, the letters.
"He's in his room." Tokuko gestured. The young woman looked uncertain. Tokuko sighed. "Here. I'll show you."
~~~~~
Akane reached out to touch Ranma's door, her eyes filling with tears. God, it had been so long. Nine years since she'd met him. Four since he'd disappeared. 'Please,' she prayed, 'please let it be him.'
Her hand slid across the wood down to the handle. She twisted and pushed open the door. She gasped, her legs nearly giving out on her. It was him. Oh, it was him.
He sat in a wheel chair, as Nabiki had warned, his back to her, his hair still tied back in that stupid pigtail he adored, the stupid pigtail she adored. Ranma sighed and spoke without turning around.
"I'd rather be alone, Tokuko. I know you mean well, but..." He trailed off. Akane bit her lip, the tears sliding down her cheeks silently. He sounded so tired, so worn, so alone.
"Oh, Ranma," she sobbed.
His head spun around, his body following slower. His face twisted up in a cross of grief, disbelief, and horror. Akane flung herself at him, landing on the floor before his wheelchair, her arms wrapping tightly around his waist, and buried her face in his lap. She sobbed loudly until his hands tangled in her hair, and then she pulled back, angry.
"You jerk!" she cried, jumping to her feet. "How could you leave me like that?"
Ranma stared at her, obviously confused, but he said nothing. Akane put her hands on her hips and glared at him.
"Do you know how long I waited for you?" She blinked rapidly at the tears that were forming again. "Do you?"
Ranma stretched a hand out to her. "A-Akane...I--" Suddenly, his hand fell to his lap, and he smiled broadly. "Geez, I missed you."
"It isn't funny!" she cried, swinging her fist at him. The startled gasp behind her made Akane aware of the girl who had led her here. Ranma ignored her however, catching Akane's fist his hand and pulling her into his lap. She froze, staring up at him. He'd never looked at her like that, not so openly or honestly. He wrapped his arms around her.
"It's not funny, Akane. I missed you, but--but I couldn't go home, not like this."
Akane reached up and wrapped her arms around his neck, hugging him tightly. "Yes, you could. You can always come home to me, Ranma. Always."
Ranma sighed and held onto her tightly.
~~~~~
Tokuko stepped backwards into the hallway, closing the door in front of her. The image of Ranma and that woman, Akane, clutching each other tightly burned in her mind. She fought back grief and anger, knowing it wasn't her place. She lifted a hand to the door, closing her eyes and pressing her forehead to the back of her hand. Tears fell before she could stop them, quiet sobs echoing down the empty hallway. Tokuko forced them to stop, taking several long, deep breaths to steady herself before she moved again, making her way back into the entertainment room, leaving Ranma and Akane to get to know each other again. Leaving Ranma to find happiness and Akane peace.
~~~~~