Time
If Olli had ever been in love before it sure as hell didn't feel like this. Before it had been a pleasant sort of infatuation with the object of his desire, a lust that was easy to satisfy mixed with a feeling of well-being and benevolence towards the world. That was before Christian. Christian had come banging into Olli's world with ill-mannered abruptness that had been hard to miss. Olli hadn't missed Christian's beauty, but he hadn't missed his animosity either, so Olli had done what he usually did, pushing back, taunting, daring Christian to come out and admit he had a problem with Olli's sexuality. At first, there had been an certain amount of amusement to be had from the way Christian reacted. Seeing how many excuses the other man could come up with for his dislike of Olli, when Olli knew damn well what the real one was. He'd met Christian's type before, uptight, a closet homophobe, gorgeous, straight. It didn't really matter that much to Olli, because, for all he could appreciate Christian on an aesthetic level, he didn't really like the guy, so who cared what he thought? Not that kissing another guy's girlfriend counted as his finest hour, but these things happened and Olli didn't intend to lose much sleep over it. It actually became something of a drag, because it confused the hell out of Coco and he found he had to justify himself again. He hated labels. When asked, he'd say, "yeah I'm bi, so what?", just to get a reaction because as much as some people hated the idea of being gay, they hated the idea someone could be into men and women more. But in truth he hated having to make that distinction, to slap a label on himself as though it would explain all he was. Gay, straight, bi. What did it matter, he was Olli and he was attracted to people and if he fell in love with a women, so be it. Only that wasn't a possibility anymore. He was, he discovered with a growing, unsettling certainty, somehow in love with Christian and suddenly the way Christian reacted to him wasn't quite as amusing.
It happened so fast it caught Olli off guard. One minute you're trying to apologise to a guy you barely like but for whom you have to admit a grudging respect and the next you're helplessly, hopelessly in love. Olli blamed the country air or the hallucinogenic properties of firewood, because something happened that night, something Olli couldn't have predicted and wasn't entirely sure he liked. Not only was Christian straight, he was damned hard work and that kiss with Coco proved to be something Olli lost a lot of sleep over. He wasn't even sure how the kiss with Coco happened, only that he had a tendency to act before he thought. He knew his predisposition to rush into things wasn't his greatest attribute which had, on occasions, caused some rather interesting morning afters and one dramatically ill-judged moment in the changing room of a Dusseldorf boxing club. That was when he realised his impatience could be more than just unfortunate, it could be dangerous, because the definition of the phrase Big Mistake turned out to be Oliver Sabel kissing Christian Mann. Big mistake in so many ways because, not only was Christian's reaction stratospherically bad, but Olli realised he really was in love. Horribly in love. No warm and fuzzy feelings this time, no easily consummated lust, no urge to throw his arms around the world. This time it was a clawing pain that started in his heart and ended five inches beyond his fingertips, the bitter aching frustration of seeing the dawn of another day alone, and the overwhelming sensation that his world simply wasn't right without Christian in it.
For one night Christian wasn't just in his life, he was its centre. He wasn't quite sure how that happened either, only that despite things beginning to be right between them, Christian had flipped back into his hard, Olli-hating shell, and somewhere between Olli starting to make sense of it and finally losing patience, Christian's hands and lips were pulling him close and into a fire that Olli knew he should run from, but couldn't resist.
It really shouldn't have been the best sex of Olli's life. Christian was too inexperienced, far too far in the closet, Olli himself was too pissed off and they were both way beyond angry. Olli never considered himself to be promiscuous, but he wasn't a saint either and he knew from experience that arguments didn't always translate into great sex; they usually ended up in spectacularly bad sex and another reason to regret his impulsive tendencies. But it was the best sex of his life, it was wonderful, hot and exciting, because he was with Christian. There was passion that lay beneath Christian, along with the anger that Olli had felt directed at him time and time again. He'd thought for one shocking moment that he was in danger from that anger, as they shouted against each other. He knew Christian could do it, could hit and punch and bruise and yet when Christian's anger pulsed into something more, it pulsed into the passion Olli had known was there. He guessed Christian didn't do anything by halves and he'd been right. Once it started, that little light between them had sparked and burst forth hungrily. It has been a blaze, Christian's passion, that fire which consumed Olli and pushed him over into something profound and necessary. But afterwards, Olli felt the spark dim. Lying in Christian's arms, he had felt the other man withdraw, grow quiet and still and Olli felt regret, doubt, fear but neither anger nor passion. Olli would have done anything then, to draw Christian back out of himself, made love to him again, reassured him, talked with him. But Christian was not one for talking. Not unless he was alone, with a false name behind which to hide and spill his secrets.
The first few days had been the worst, when Olli still believed in what had happened between them, despite Christian's denials, until he realised Christian actually believed he meant what he said. His own impatience flared then, along with hurt and a determination to leave well alone, maybe even do what he should have done before Coco left and move out. If Christian wanted to fool himself then that was his choice, Olli had no intention of doing the same. Nor did he have any desire to turn himself into the patron saint of lost causes, especially lost causes who had convinced themselves they were straight. But, as he stared at the ceiling night after night, unable to stop turning it all over in his mind, the memory of them came back; Christian's mouth on his, demanding and eager, the fierceness with which they had fucked, with the passion Christian no longer hid, the strength of his fingers biting deep into Olli's skin, the force with which he slammed into Olli's body, and the look on his face as he came, hot-eyed and hungry. All the small moments before filtered back too, all the little flashes of doubt that Christian tried to hide and Olli was left with the feeling that's what Christian was - lost. Mostly when Christian looked at him it was with the same hard certainty that characterised his rejection, but every now and then, he caught an expression on Christian's face that reminded Olli of a lost little boy, alone and vulnerable and it made Olli want to pull Christian close and hold him tight, for no other reason than to chase away that look and show him he wasn't alone. On even rarer occasions, Olli found Christian watching him as if Christian was waiting for him; waiting to be found. That's when Olli knew he hadn't been in love before, because it had never felt like this; like every goddamn love song he'd ever heard. Like you would walk to the ends of the earth to be with the person you loved, you would suffer hurt and pain to keep them safe, and you would sacrifice what little peace of mind you had for the sake of them. It didn't matter how he described it, helpless, hopeless, he knew he would stay, because, as hard as it was to be close to Christian, the thought of him alone was infinitely worse.
Not that it was easy. Christian managed to elevate denial into an art form and if Olli had thought Christian was taciturn before, now he was positively glacial. Yet, somehow that gave every gesture, every expression, every dark-eyed look added meaning and the awkward discomfort Christian displayed when Olli turned up at the running track made Olli wonder if, maybe, just maybe, what Christian needed was time. Which meant Olli needed to exercise patience, something both his heart and his body didn't understand and fought against. He lived now in a state of semi-arousal. He learned pretty quickly to hide it from Christian but the memory of that night haunted him, the memory of Christian in his arms and the scent of him invading Olli's senses. That was the memory that kept him awake when he struggled to keep his hands off himself, wanting so badly to jerk off but unable to let himself because, as unlikely as it ever was to be, he wanted Christian with him, wanted the reality of Christian again.
It was the reality of Christian's firm retreat into heterosexuality that took him clubbing with Olivia. He might be in love, he might be permanently half-hard for Christian, but he wasn't dead yet. It turned out to be a one of Olivia's better ideas, especially when dancing turned into flirting and although Olli had no real intention of seeing it through to the end, it was fun to be reminded of what it was like with someone who was actually out. The guy was a bit of a prick, but at that moment, an honest prick seemed better than a closeted Christian.
In the short time he'd known him, Olli had seen many Christians, angry Christian, scared Christian, confused Christian, elated Christian, but the one who turned up at the club that night, in the most blessed coincidence of Olli's life, was jealous Christian and the revelation made Olli slightly dizzy with relief. Later, back at NoLimits, Olli got to see defensive Christian, anxiously trying to justify himself and still denying what was so clearly true. Time, he reminded himself, in the face of Olivia's urgings to take advantage of the upper hand Christian had unwittingly offered, time and patience.
Doubt began to creep in as the dull light of the early morning hours saw him running the previous night's events over in his mind; everything he did, everything Christian did, every expression on Christian's face, every nuance of his voice. He had hated seeing Christian with Coco, now he hated seeing Christian with Miriam. Would it be easier, Olli wondered, if he'd seen Christian with another man? His stomach rolled over at the mere thought. Fuck, no, that was worse. Another man exploring Christian, showing him how good it could be, sharing all the first times with Christian that Olli wanted for himself. Man, woman, it didn't matter, Christian was his, just as he was Christian's.
..
The following morning he waited for Christian to appear, his resolutions wavering, his heart hurting with the need to see Christian again. He nursed a mug of strong coffee, half aware of Judith watching him from across the table.
"You had another argument with Christian." It was a statement rather than a question.
"Something like that … How do you know anyway?"
"Something Olivia said last night after you went to bed."
"Olivia should learn to keep her mouth shut."
"Yeah, well there aren't enough miracles going around for that happen. He's really got to you, hasn't he?"
"Don't know what you mean."
"Oh God not you as well. Olli, you'd have to be blind to live here and not see the way you two look at each other."
He stared at her, Judith just stared back and raised her eyebrows.
"Shit, that's all I need."
He played with the coffee cup, running Judith's words around his head. Although he felt sick with anxiety, it was came as a relief to talk to someone other than Olivia, especially when all he wanted to do these days was talk about Christian. He flicked his gaze up at her, his stomach a slow burning fizz of nerves.
"How does Christian look at me?"
She propped her chin in her hands and with a small half-smile said, "Like a kid with a new toy he doesn't quite know what to do with."
Olli allowed himself a tiny dry laugh, at least Judith could be relied on to make him smile. She leant forward, "Seriously? Christian looks at you like you're all there is."
His brain melted slightly and all he could manage in response was, "Oh …"
"I hadn't been in this apartment more than five minutes before I knew there was something going on. Christian denied it, but that doesn't mean it isn't there. Every time you're in the same room together, there's this huge massive thing that lights up between the two of you."
"I think you'll find that's hostile tension."
She stood up and pulled a face at him, "Tension's one word for it but I can think of several others. I gotta go, I'm late. Olli?"
"Humm?"
"My track record isn't stunning in this area, but trust me, about you and Christian, I'm right."
..
The pattern of the glass in the door turned everything on the other side into a blur, but Olli could still make out the colours of the room, broken into crazy, disjointed shapes. He knocked on the door to be met with silence but moments later heard the thud of something falling. He called out Christian's name. When all he got was half-hearted orders to go away, he was suddenly thankful that he had begun to understand what patience meant, because there was no way in hell he was walking away until the door he was now clinging to opened. So he talked, talked so Christian knew he wasn't going anywhere. He thought the click of the door being unlocked was the most reassuring sound he would ever hear, until he pushed it open and Christian started to speak. The words he heard kept him silent but filled with a strange calm, despite the erratic thud of his heart. As Christian spoke, Olli saw it again, that lost look and when Olli moved further into the room, moved towards Christian, reaching out to comfort and reassure, the touch of Olli's hand against his shoulder made Christian turn and Olli saw the other look, the one that told him Christian wanted Olli to find him.
The kisses between them were slow and soft, almost as if they were the first and Olli skimmed his fingers over Christian's face, learning the feel of him all over again. His heart ached with joy at the way Christian looked at him, leaning in to be kissed and caressed and the way he reached out, gently bringing Olli in closer, closer to Christian's lips and those achingly tender kisses. He watched as Christian unbuttoned his shirt, his own hands mirroring Christian's, only pausing with the brush of Christian's fingers against his hips, stroking and sweeping up to push Olli's shirt from between them. He allowed himself the pleasure of looking and touching as Christian's shirt fell to the floor, drinking in the beauty of the man in front of him, before Christian's hands fluttered against his face again, pulling him into a soul-searing kiss and he felt the heated press of Christian's body against his. This time, Christian held him close and strong and he felt the hard beat of Christian's heart against his. He couldn't help breathing Christian in, the scent of soap, his spicy aftershave and the always there trace of fresh air and the outdoors, the scent of Christian. This time, he felt Christian's mouth exploring his skin with softly eager kisses, his face buried in the curve of Olli's neck and shoulder, his hands sure and impatient across Olli's back. This time, Olli lay on the bed, allowing Christian to strip them naked, knowing they both needed Christian be in control. But there was no reticence now, only a hint of shyness as Christian touched, mouth following fingers, exploring with hungry kisses and that little spark that had never truly died flickered again, growing strong and bright with every caress. No silence this time either, Christian's whispered questions following kiss after kiss, touch after touch,
"Is this right … Do you like this … Can I touch you here and here and here?" and his own answer remaining the same, "Yes, yes, yes."
Christian stroked every part of him, reading his body with his hands and looking in wonder as he trailed his fingers over skin and muscle, tracing delicate circles around Olli's nipples, the line down his chest to his stomach, the dip between stomach and hips, all causing shimmers of heated sensation to dance across Olli's skin. Christian found the places that had Olli panting and breathless, the delicate skin behind his ear, the hollow at the base of his throat, the shallow curve of his hip, all of which Christian kissed, nipped and licked. Olli's cock was twitching, hard and begging to be touched in the path of Christian's sensual assault, pearls of moisture seeping from the tip. Christian knelt back and brushed his hands down Olli's hips, skimming his fingers through the tangle of pubic hair, grazing the base of his cock and the edge of his balls, teasing but not touching as he pushed Olli's legs high and wide. Olli felt the shock of cool air against his ass together with the shock of Christian's hot gaze, looking at him, open, exposed in the most intimate way. He felt his whole body flush with sudden discomfort at his own vulnerability, but then, as he met Christian's voracious stare, it turned into a fierce anticipation. Christian ran a finger over the tip of Olli's cock, smearing the beads of creamy pre-com around in a slow, dreamy motion that had Olli gasping as the touch of that single finger vibrated through every nerve and fibre. Christian wrapped his hand around the shaft and stroked up and down in the same agonisingly slow motion and Olli cried out sharply, his hips jerking up and up, fucking Christian's hand as it slicked his cock so sensitive Olli thought he was going to come right there, before Christian got anywhere near inside him. Christian rose over him, moving his hand away and crushing their bodies together and he lent in to catch Olli's mouth in such a deep kiss it stole the breath from his lungs. When Christian pulled back, Olli saw the brilliant blue of his eyes burning with greedy need.
"Want you, Olli ... Want to be inside you, please?"
His brain was fuzzy with yearning, but he heard the hunger in Christian's low whisper and the tentative question that lay beneath it.
"You need to ask?"
Christian's expression clouded briefly and he dipped down and grazed his lips over Olli's,
"Yeah, I do,"
Olli lifted his head to close the small space between them, pushing his tongue through Christian's parted lips, forcing them wider, seeking Christian's tongue. He bruised Christian's mouth with a fierce kiss into which he poured all his longing and need and through which he breathed,
"No, you don't."
When Christian finally broke away, he traced the line of Olli's kiss slicked lips and gently slid his fingers between. Olli tasted his own fluid on Christian's skin, and his stomach dropped with lust and expectation. Christian traced a line of open-mouthed kisses down Olli's body, until he hovered over Olli's cock and his slippery fingers lightly sought Olli's hole, dancing around and over with gentle determination. Olli felt the clench and grasp of his ass, wanting, wanting, wanting Christian to breach him, to own him. Christian's eyes flicked between Olli's open thighs and his face, watching every flutter of pleasure that Olli couldn't hold back as Christian's silky touch played around Olli's puckered hole. At the same time, more fingers stroked the small stretch of skin above his asshole, and a hand cupped his balls, rolling them around and causing them to pull up tight against Olli's body. He was almost crying now, crying with almost unbearable joy at every stroke of Christian's hands and brush of his fingers. He began pleading then, his pleas bleeding into groans and whimpers, pleas for Christian to fuck him. Christian's finger pushed inside at the same time as his mouth took Olli's cock and the double sensation pulled from him a moaning cry of pleasure, his body jolting with electric spasms and a hot, slow burn that twisted at his ass and belly. Christian moved up and down his cock, his mouth hot and sleek and with same rhythm twisted in and out of his ass, swirling and turning his finger around the tight muscles that Olli felt clamp hard around his sweet invasion. A second finger joined the first and then a third, making Olli incoherent, jerking against the feel of Christian inside and around, splaying his fingers wide, stretching and opening Olli and pushing him towards an intensity that flamed through his whole being. He wanted to come so badly, with Christian's fingers fucking him and his hot mouth swallowing him down, but he wanted to come with Christian's cock inside him, wanted to feel every inch of Christian hard and hot, wanted Christian filling him completely as they lost themselves in each other. He wanted it all, everything with Christian.
When Christian pulled out, he whimpered with frustration, his ass quivering at the unwelcome emptiness and his cock jerking with the need to be held, bound tight within Christian's grasp as Olli fucked himself into oblivion. But Christian ran his hands over Olli's cock and up his stomach, making soft, soothing noises and flicking quick, heated swipes of his tongue against Olli's trembling skin,
"Shh, it's okay, just wait for me, okay?"
Through the passion fuelled fog that had descended over him, Olli heard the rip of a condom wrapper and felt the dip and shift of Christian's swift movements, but all he saw was the light in Christian's eyes, the faint colour of lust on his face and the deep red of his moist lips curved up in a soft smile. And then Christian was above him, looking down at Olli, his gaze too deeply intense, staring at Olli as he moved his cock against Olli's ass, holding the tip of it gently at its entrance. He entered with a slow glide, his teeth gritted against the grasp and clench of Olli around him, Olli moaned and thrust up, frantic for more of Christian, needy beyond endurance, his body desperate for the feel of Christian buried deep inside. But Christian held back, with Olli's fevered gaze locked into his and he made Olli see every expression of pleasure that flitted across Christian's face as he possessed with deliberate restraint. Even though it wasn't the first time, it was still a beautiful shock to feel Christian press inside, to feel his own body blossom open easily, pull him in and hold him tight and strong; to feel the involuntary convulsing of his ass around Christian's cock, the grip and shudder of his muscles as they welcomed and wanted more. To feel the slow grind of Christian pushing, pushing him further, back to a place Olli had only ever gone once before and had ached find again. When Christian was inside, so deep Olli's skin was alive with every pulse of his cock, his big, strong body close and tight over his, making Olli feel safe and vulnerable, willing to give everything, to surrender himself again, Christian began to move slowly, sending wave upon wave of endless pleasure washing through him. Christian inside him, rocking back and forth, chanting Olli's name in low, guttural tones that merged into groans of pleasure, filled Olli with exultation so sharply sweet he thought it would consume him. Soft pants fell from his lips and he curled his arms around Christian's back, wanting him closer, deeper, tighter, wanting to feel the twitch and shift of Christian's hard muscles against his palms, feel the smooth heat of his skin, to hold on to Christian as his body melted into joy with every roll of Christian's hips, every quickening thrust of his cock that pushed Olli beyond need, beyond words, to that place where there was only Christian and him and the fire between them that burned hot and bright. They moved together, finding the rhythm that had made the first time so good and right, the slip and slam of their bodies becoming a raw, vital connection. The sudden drag of Christian's cock over his prostate pushed Olli over, sending from his stomach, spine and balls a wild rush of ecstasy flooding out as he came, his hips thrusting and juddering as Christian pulled out and thrust back in, again and again. He came apart, shaking with a uncontrolled force, his body no longer his own, his ass quivering and rippling around Christian's cock as his orgasm took over. Over the sound of their bodies slamming together, he cried out Christian's name tangled between words of love and thankfulness. He felt Christian spasm and the violent snap of his hips push his cock deeper and deeper as he came, sending Olli back into the throes of another intense climax. Their eyes found each others and Christian's mouth parted in an open, glorious smile as he dropped down to Olli's lips and kissed him hard, binding them together with come and kisses and breathless laughter.
They lay pressed close together, kissing and caressing through the aftermath, limbs intertwined, bathed in their sticky heat until Christian gently pushed Olli on to his back and continued to kiss and explore every curve and line of his body. Olli stayed silent, watching the sudden fascination he held for Christian. It seemed as if Christian wanted to learn him all over again, to remind himself of every secret place that pulled Olli apart until he knew Olli's body like it was his own. It wasn't long before Olli felt the heat build in his blood again as his skin tingled under Christian's increasingly knowledgeable hands. When Christian kissed him, his hand wrapped once again around Olli's willing cock, sliding with just the right amount of pressure to send him quietly crazy, Olli managed to mutter,
"God, how did you get to be so good at this? Have you taken a crash course in gay sex?"
Christian gave a soft laugh, which rapidly became Olli's latest favourite thing, alongside Christian's smile, Christian's fingers, Christian's cock and Christian's mouth.
"Maybe," The word hung in the air and suddenly his body stiffened in entirely the wrong way. A tremor of dismay flitted through his stomach. Christian glanced up at him and instantly he moved, covering Olli's body with his own,
"Olli, you idiot, I meant you. You're my crash course in all of this, only you."
The relief that flooded through him wasn't pleasant, it merely served to remind him how unbearable the thought of Christian with anybody else was and how tightly Olli was bound to Christian.
Christian's expression creased and his eyes clouded with something Olli couldn't define, but Christian took a slow, deep breath,
"I meant it, I love you. You believe me, don't you?"
Olli tightened his arms around Christian, needing the comfort of Christian's strong body against his own. He nodded, not trusting himself to speak.
Christian dropped his head into the crook of Olli's neck and buried against him, Olli felt Christian's breath as he heard the muffled words,
"I'm sorry,"
Tears threatened behind his eyes, tears of joy that his love was finally real, tears of disbelief that it had come so swift and sure, tears at the guilt he heard in Christian's voice, when all that mattered was that they were here, now. Christian shifted back and Olli felt the soft brush of fingers against his closed eyelids,
"Don't, please don't. I'm not going anywhere, Olli, not this time."
Christian repeated his promise over and over, kissing the tears away and proving his love and regret by making love to him again, and again whispering those three words until, the doubt fell away and it was just them, just the fire and heat of them.
..
When he woke up, his muscles ached with the satisfying memory of Christian but his stomach felt empty. So did the space beside him but then Christian appeared with a warm cloth and a towel. He settled back next to him, still with that stunning smile and despite Olli's half-hearted protests, ran the cloth slowly and slyly across all the places that bore testimony to their recent intimacy. The light strokes tickled rather than aroused and he squirmed as Christian teased and held him down, his grin turning evil.
"Stop!" His shouted laughter filled the room as Christian held his arms high above his head and trailed the cloth over the inside of his arms. Christian threw the cloth to one side and bore down, his fingers slipping through Olli's and his legs pinning Olli's open, with a look of greedy passion.
"Really? You really want me to stop?"
He groaned as Christian sank fully over him, draping his hot body over Olli's.
"No, God no, never, but …"
Christian nuzzled wet kisses against his chin and neck, "But what?"
Olli's stomach rumbled loudly and against the sound of Christian's laughter, he replied redundantly, "I'm hungry."
..
It was amazing how quickly life could change between one breath and the next. Even if its pieces stayed the same, they could be flung high in the air and land back down in a completely different pattern. It was so easy now, to be with Christian, to be himself with Christian; the feeling of him still pulsing inside, with the delicious anticipation of the next time, and the next. Christian kept pulling him close, kissed and teased with such single-minded determination, it was miracle they made it out of the bedroom at all and Olli couldn't help the joyous thrill at the happiness radiating out of Christian now. The pieces of Olli's life remained the same, but once again something happened and they had been sent scattering. He'd fallen in love and he kept falling with every touch, every open, loving look that Christian gave, every playful tease and laugh.
The easy playfulness disappeared at the click of the front door, with the sight of Gregor and Judith and the sharp shove of Olli away from Christian's embrace. Perplexity creased Gregor's face and Olli's heart shook, especially when the expression on Judith's said, busted. When she tactfully disappeared, Olli didn't meet her knowing glance for fear of what he might betray. For a few agonising moments, Olli waited for Gregor to join the dots and he heard his own voice throw out reasons why he and Christian should be wandering around half naked in middle of the day. As soon as they were alone, he saw the fear spread over Christian's features, obliterating the pleasure of only moments before and shading his voice with anxiety.
Time, Olli told himself, when he thought about it afterwards, after Christian had headed down to NoLimits and he couldn't help but return to Christian's room, to sink back down in the twisted sheets that still held the faint warmth of them and their mingled scent. Time and patience. Because his world might have changed, the pieces of his life might have fallen into a new beginning, but so had Christian's, and Olli knew him well enough to know change wasn't something Christian welcomed. Christian was still scared and he still needed Olli. A memory surfaced, one that had been scratching at the back of his consciousness for days, of another lost boy, a teenager in Meppen, lonely and unsure of who and what he was. So Olli would wait, because maybe the truth was that Christian was Olli's crash course, in what love really meant. Of all the gifts his impatient heart wanted to give Christian, maybe the only one that mattered was the one Christian really needed. Time; the one thing he could give to Christian that meant anything.