Complete, Nevermore

Staring at black water surrounding me, I let my body painfully shiver, I'm to cold inside to care anymore, to dead inside to care anymore. I let myself get this drained of feeling, let myself lose myself. I'm not me anymore, I don't think I ever was, at least it doesn't feel like it now. I'm not sure I want to know who I am though, what if I hate it more then this shell I am now? Could I go back? Probably not. I wish I had the strength or enough will to end it all but I haven't gotten to that point yet. I run my hand in front of me to see if I could make the water ripple, I know it did, I just can't see it because of how dark it is. I look across this body of water and see nothing, wanting to see something worth living for. I don't want to stay alive for everyone else, I want to stay alive for me. It's like an old person who's being kept on life support, they shouldn't be kept alive for they're family's sake, if they had something worth living for then they should be kept alive. And most of the time they don't have anything except for family members having false ideas about them coming to and being healthy again.

I wish so much to be different, but change is so hard, and so hard to deal with. Honestly, I just want to be happy, I don't think I have ever been truly happy, loving life and loving myself has never come to me. I just want to feel something other then this never ending hatred for what I've become, because that hatred is what's killing me, killing me slowly, killing me brutally.

Then I can see, they sky lightened. It should only be around 3 o'clock, why has the sky lightened? But soon I feel cold soft flakes dropping on me, falling from the sky. Its snowing, and I'm at the beach waists deep in the water, but I don't care, its so beautiful, and I cherish anything that can look beautiful, because I know I never can. The cold starts to get to me so I turn around and walk out of the water, walk off down the beach, watching the snow fall about me, fall into the never ending water.

After about a half hour of walking I get to where I parked my car, freezing, not wet from the water anymore, but wet from the snow falling and melting on my skin. I see a slight blue coming into the sky, I smile, loving it. Wishing my life could get brighter and brighter like the sky does, but then again, the sky gets darker and darker as well. I smile at the keys left in the lock on the car, good thing I forgot them or I would have to walk to a pay phone, but having no change either wasn't going to help. I get into my car, upset that I couldn't find my clothes on the way back and I was going to drive back to the hotel in my boxers. Turning the radio on in my rented car I let whatever cd I had in play. It was the string quartet tribute to Nine Inch Nails. I smiled at knowing the real versions and singing along even though these versions didn't have any lyrics.

When I get to the hotel parking lot I park the car and just stare at the building. My card key for my room was in my pants, that are on that beach somewhere, and I don't feel like bothering anyone at 4 in the morning to let me into my room. I feel myself start to nod off and snap my head back up. I guess I'm going to have to sleep in the car, tomorrow should be fun. I get out of the car and open the door for the backseat because I know myself well enough that I wouldn't have been able to climb over the seat.

In my dream I was a fish, swimming and happy. It seemed I had the whole ocean to swim in, water passing in and out of my gills feeling odd but good after a while. Then I swam into a glass wall. I swam frantically, seeing that there were four walls, making this a glass prison. Then I heard a loud banging and saw the image of Mark , seeming giant like, laughing as he banged his fist against the glass, did he know how loud it was? Was he enjoying annoying me like that? Soon the banging started to hurt my ears, I swam in circles, twisted, and soon just fell, still hearing that banging.

I woke up in my car, sitting up to see Mark at the window banging on it to wake me up. When he saw that I was up he stopped the banging. I pressed my palms against my eyes and pushed hard in and up trying to wipe the sleep from my face . When that's done I wait for my vision to start popping back in from the temporary blindness I just caused myself. Mark looked scary, not angry, just scary. Dark and worried. I leaned forward and opened the car door for him.

"Hey man," I said groggily as he bent over to see into the car.

"Why the hell did you sleep in your car?" he said, eyes still dark, I hate when he looks at me like that.

"Er, I went to the beach and took off most of my clothes and couldn't find them again." I said, tilting my head lightly and smiling a slightly crazed smile, it turned to a happy smile quickly, wanting him to think there was nothing wrong.

"Why did you go to the beach?" no fucking around, as usual. I never like answering his questions.

"Mark, can we please talk about this later? I just slept in a car and my back hurts, and I don't have any clothes," he gave me an accusing glare "so can you be a dear and go and get me some?" I said winking at him. He lifted his head up so that the sun could shine on it. He had bags under his eyes and he looked really tired.

"Funny, I couldn't sleep at all." his lips pursed together slightly. I furrowed my eyebrows, feeling guilty.

"Sorry," I said weekly, deciding I'd rather look at my fingers then at him. They were dry and rough, and so fucking huge.

"Fucking look at me when I'm talking to you, Kane." I snapped my head up, I hated that he could do that to me, make me feel guilty for going out by myself. Its more of what I was thinking about doing.

"Mark, can this please wait?" I said pleading with him, keeping eye contact with him, which was hard enough, I would have to argue my point while looking into those eyes, and I know I'd probably cower out of it. Mark has a control over me, actually over everyone really, that he could get his way and make you feel guilty for doing something he doesn't approve of.

"I'll get your clothes," he said smiling.

"Really..?" I said warily, wondering why he had gotten a mood change like that.

"Yeah, just meat me in the lobby," he smirked, stood up and slammed the car door shut.

"Bastard.." I said under my breath.

I waited about 10 minutes, thinking about going into the hotel...I knew I didn't have any clothes in the car...so I really had no choice. Then I saw Batista walking across the parking lot with his duffle bag.

"Batista!!" I said after opening the car door. He looked around confused for a second then located the noise. He looked confused as to why I was calling him. "Come here, I need to ask you something."

"What is it Kane?" He started to say then he looked at me.. "What happened to your clothes?" he said accusingly...like I was with a girl or something...

"It's not anything like that, I went to the beach and I took off my clothes to go into the water, and I lost them." I said, noticing the snow every where for the first time, and realized how cold it was in the car, I don't know how I manage to block these things out.

"So that's where you were, Mark was going half mad wondering where you were last night. He was coming into everyone's hotel room asking if they knew where you were. He went out driving looking for you, I think he came back about an hour ago." he explained.

"Really?" I said, feeling even more guilty then before.

"Yeah," he said adjusting his sweat pants. Just fidgeting really. "So what did you want?" he said looking back at me.

"Well, as you can see I don't have any clothes, and we're about the same size so I was wondering if you had anything I could burrow. Just pants would be good.." I said, feeling odd asking a favor of someone, I never like to impose.

"Um, yeah. I got sweat pants and a shirt, no extra shoes though, sorry." he dug into his bag and handed me the clothes.

"Thanks man, I really appreciate it." I slipped on the pants and shirt, enjoying the warmth of it against my cold skin.

"Anytime, just give 'em back at the arena tonight." he said, half smiling.

"Shit, there's a show tonight isn't there." I said, hitting myself in the head for being so forgetful.

"Yeah," he said laughing lightly. " Maybe you should take some time off, you seem to be really stressed lately."

"Nah, I'm fine. I'm just...feeling a little odd, I'll be back to normal in a few days, so no worries." I smiled, trying to make him believe what I was saying.

"Okay, good. Well I'm going off the gym so I'll see you later." and with that he walked off. I stared after him and watched him leave the parking lot. He was really nice about everything, maybe I should be a little more trusting of the people I work with. I locked the doors and got out of the car. The ground was a little rough but bearable. The snow on the ground was freezing my feet and I smiled with relief as my feet met the carpet in the hotel lobby. Interesting thing is Mark wasn't in there waiting for me. I talked to the lady at the desk and told her I had lost the key to my room. She asked me a few questions about my credit card I.D. etc. She got me a new one and I walked up the stairs to my room on the second floor.

I walked in and plopped down on the bed. It was so warm in here, and the mattress was actually comfortable, not stiff like most hotels have and I was very grateful for that. I took a glance at the little alarm clock on the dresser and it said 11:00, and I was contemplating taking a nap before the show, but I knew it was a bad idea to risk it, knowing that I could sleep into tomorrow because of how exhausted I felt. Sitting up I remembered I also had a plane to New Jersey tomorrow morning at 7 a.m. Cursing to myself I got up and went into the bathroom to take a shower. Turning the faucet so it would be very hot, hopefully it would soothe the cramps in my back that I got from sleeping in that car. I undressed and turn to look at myself in the mirror before going into the shower. I noticed that my stomach was a little pudgy, still ripped, but there was some fat there, probably from neglecting to work out (besides the choreographing for my matches) in a month. I just rinsed of the smell of the sea off of me and let the water hit my back for a few minutes.

After I dried off I lazily lied backdown, I was feeling so tired, maybe because I hadn't eaten anything since lunch the day before. I forced myself to sit up right again and grabbed my brush off the dresser and started to tackle my tangled mass of hair. It took about 20 minutes for me to get it as knot free as I wanted it to be. I shivered at the little drops of cold water falling from my hair and gliding down my body. Then I sneezed. Over and over again. When I stopped for a moment my head was pounding. Well, what else did I expect from going swimming in January?

I finally got off my bed and got dressed in black jeans and a long sleeve grey WWE shirt. Made a few phone calls to get an antibiotic so I wouldn't be sick during the show. In about an hour a doctor came to my door, gave me a shot and some pills to take every 3 hours. I thanked him as he left. I packed everything so I wouldn't have to do it in the morning, and after everything was done it was around 6:00 so I put on sweatshirt (having left my coat on the beach) and headed out the door. And what can I say? RAW was RAW, I was feuding with triple H and I only sneezed once, and that was when I was knocked down so no-one really saw it. I didn't stop and talk with anyone I just wanted to get back to the hotel and sleep.

When I got back to the hotel I didn't bother turning on any lights, I just fell on my bed and dragged some covers over me and wanted was so close to falling asleep. Then I heard a knock at my door. It took me a moment to get out of my bed but I did and opened the door a bit to see who was out there.

"Hello Mark," I said, wishing he wouldn't look at me like that.