Her Words, Her Thoughts, Their Love

I DO NOT OWN ANY OF THE CHARACTERS. I am borrowing from the genius of Callie Khoury and the incredible acting of Connie Britton and Charles Esten. PLEASE REVIEW.

Deacon felt like he was violating Rayna's trust, but he couldn't stop reading her journal. He felt he knew her as well as anyone can know another, but his exploration was like striping her bare.

He sat on the settee and opened the journal randomly. September 25, 1982. Before he started reading, he tried to recall where they were at that time in their lives. By that time, they were living in the house in East Nashville. Just the two of them. Vince had passed away in July. It was a dark time for him. September 25th was around when he entered his third stint in rehab.

It was a messy time. He had hit Rayna by accident and missed several performances. She was trying to be patient with him, but his drinking escalated as he tried to wash the memory of the crash and Vince's death from his memory. He couldn't exorcise the demons. Every time he closed his eyes, he saw Vince sliced in half and heard him talking as Deacon looked on in shock. He lasted four minutes like that until he finally looked at Deacon and said, "I love you, bro. Tell Rayna she'll never find a drummer as good as me." A card to the end.

September 25, 1982
I never thought my heart could hurt so bad. It feels like it was ripped from my body, smashed against the wall, strangled and put back in my chest. I can barely breath. I thought when mama died, I had experienced the most pain I ever would in my life, but this is one thousand times worse.

Deacon was my salvation. He offered me unconditional love. He knows me like no other human can know another. He is my second skin. He is my muse. He is what makes my heart beat.

Yet, he doesn't love me more than the alcohol. I want to help him, but he doesn't feel we're worth it. I can't do this anymore. I don't want to live like this. I can't live without him. I don't want to live. There is nothing and no one to live for.

The writing on the page got sloppier as she poured out her heart and the last words on the page trailed off the edge of the paper.

Deacon gasped, and a sob escaped his lips. He knew his drinking hurt her, but to see the words, shocked his system and re-surfaced the guilt he still carried with him.

He went in the bathroom and splashed cold water on his face and got control of his emotions. He sprawled on the bed and listened for any movement in the house. It was still quiet. He reached again for the journal and opened it to the next page.

September 29, 1982
When I finally opened my eyes, Tandy was there. She looked scared and pissed, but mostly relieved. She touched my face, like mama would when I skinned my knee or was teased at school and started crying. "Rayna Alisia Wyatt, don't you scare me like that again!" She scolded.

I looked at her puzzled and looked around the stark white room. Where was I? What was going on?

"All of this", and she gestured at the tubes running in my arms and the mask around my face, "because of him!" Then I knew where I was. The hospital. I was just here several days ago watching as they pumped Deacon's stomach not once, not twice, but three times before he was cleared. He laid on a gurney as pale as the sheet on top of him. He looked strung out, emaciated, unshaven, dirty. I was convinced this time was the time that he was going to join Vince.

Tandy shook me back to reality. "You would be dead if I didn't stop by your place to check on you when you didn't answer the phone." I remember looking at her still not fully following what she was saying.

She picked up a bottle of pills. "You swallowed all of these. His pills." The way she said it, it was like Deacon forced them down my throat. "Why? He's not worth it honey. He's a drunk and he's not worthy of you."

I didn't have the strength to argue with her. I am so ashamed of what I'd done. I shook my head vigorously side to side as tears ran down my cheeks.

Tandy tried to sooth me, regretting her words. She wiped my tears and took my hand. "Oh, Rayna, what am I going to do with you?"

I grabbed the mask, pulled it down and asked, "Deacon?"

She sighed. Exasperated and annoyed by my question, but she knew what I wanted to know. "He doesn't know. He's still in rehab. He called me the other day when he couldn't get in touch with you and I told him I sent you to the spa. You needed some time and space before you could talk to him."

"How did he sound?"

"He sounded contrite and tired. Ok. I think that's enough for now. Let me get Charlie and let him know you're conscious. We need to know what's next."

He just stared at the page. Rayna tried to kill herself because of him. She always seemed so in control. He knew she was vulnerable and knew how much her mother's death left a lasting hole in her heart. But this?

Deacon's eyes were filled with tears that dripped onto the page. His nose was running, and he was shaking.

Just then, Rayna walked in. "Hey, babe..." she said surprised to see him there in the middle of the day. Then she stopped. Her eyes scanned quickly from him to the journal and back again.

He looked at her and said in a strangled voice, "Ray, I never knew. I'm so sorry, babe."

Recognition ran through her mind. Her hand flew to her mouth and she turned around and ran out of the room. He scurried to his feet and went after her. She flew out the front door and headed out back to the pool area. She stopped and he could see her body shaking.

"Ray?" he simply asked. Then he reached out and embraced her. He kissed her head and stroked her back. "Baby, why? Why didn't you tell me? How did I not know?"

"Just another lie from my past. I'm mortified, babe. That I did it. That I didn't tell you. I didn't want you to carry that guilt around. With all the other demons you were trying to exorcise, you didn't need that."

She continued. "I was a rising country star. For me and for you, I didn't want anyone to know. Tandy, Charlie, a nurse and I, and eventually daddy, were the only ones that knew. Tandy paid off the nurse and when she divorced Charlie, he got quit the settlement to keep quiet. Daddy was furious with me...and you...when he found out. I threatened to do it again if he ever told you. And, daddy didn't dare challenge me. He knew I was headstrong and a woman of my word."

"That you are, my dear," Deacon said as he rubbed Rayna's arms. "No wonder Lamar and Tandy hated me so much. But what I don't get, Ray, is why you didn't tell me and how you could leave me, marry Teddy and almost marry Luke if you loved me so much."

"Babe, I've always loved you and I never left you. I may not have been married to you, but you've always had my heart. I…I just couldn't tell you. I know everyone looks to me as the strong one. I'm not strong, Deacon. I'm nothing without you. I put on a good show. I let you take all the blame for so many years. I have so many sins that I carry around that weigh heavy on my heart. This is one and your pain is another."

Rayna continued as Deacon looked on puzzled. "I didn't want you to relapse and I was scared of the power you had over me. If I wasn't with you, you couldn't leave me like my momma did. When we were together, every time you disappeared it broke me in two, babe. I had to gain the courage to face the fear, because only when we stare our fears in the face can we experience true, unencumbered joy."

"I probably, well not just probably, I do, hold on to you and the girls too tightly, because I can't face losing you or them. Y'all are the most important people in my life."

Rayna, pleaded, "Deacon, promise me"

"Anything, babe."

"Don't ever leave me and forget about this."

"Babe, I made a vow and I fully intend to keep that vow. I love you and those girls more than life itself. I would do anything for you. You are worth all the riches in the world, Ray."

"Promise me."

"What now?"

"That you'll love yourself and be as good to yourself as you are to me and the girls."

Deacon snickered, "I can't deny you anything woman."

"Really?"

"Really. Want me to show you."

"Yeah I want you to show me," Rayna said in a husky voice, starved to be one with him.

He gently turned her in his arms so she could see the beautiful sunset. He brushed the hair from her neck and began peppering her with gentle kisses. His hands brushed her arms and danced over them sending a chill down her spine. His hands rested on her stomach. Rayna closed her eyes and mewed, swept up by the moment and the feel of him wrapped around her. She felt safe and strong in his arms. She felt loved.

His hands slid down her stomach to the front of her jeans and rubbed her clit through the thick material. Rayna moved with his touch and moaned. She could feel him starting to get hard. She pushed against him moving her butt in circles teasing him until she could feel his bulge max out and Deacon start to groan. "You know how to get my motor going, babe." And with that, he gripped her hips and turned her toward him and rubbed his bulge against her. His lips found hers and his tongue made itself at home in her mouth, exploring, tasting.

He cautiously began walking her back to the double lounge chair. He gently nudged her down until she fell safely onto the thick cushion. Her eyes flew open, silently questioning him.

"I want to make love to you, here, under the stars. I want to hear you call my name so all the universe can hear and know you're mine. I want to be one with you so that you can't tell your bones from mine."

Rayna smirked and said in a husky voice, "Oh, God, man, just make love to me already."

Deacon reached down and gently caressed her face, lit by the soft pool light, and began unbuttoning her blouse, kissing the skin he exposed as he proceeded. When she was unbuttoned completely, he pushed the blouse over her shoulders and down her arms. Rayna kept eye contact, amazed by the way he still worshipped her body.

His rough, calloused, fingers trailed up her exposed torso and gripped her ample bosoms. Of all her physical attributes, she knew how much he enjoyed her breasts. He reached around behind her and in one swift motion popped her bra hooks. Impatient to taste and tease her, he pushed the bra up and latched onto her right breast while rubbing the left. To tell the truth Rayna enjoyed his suckling immensely. His tongue laved her, and his teeth pulled on her nipple until her nub was hard as a pebble. He switched to her left breast and did the same until Rayna grabbed his hand and pushed it between her legs.

Deacon smiled against her lips and rubbed her through her jeans while Rayna pushed into his hand and started to raise his shirt over his head.

"Deacon, I love you so damn much man," she whispered as she explored his body, nibbling on his neck and inching down his chest. "I couldn't imagine my life without you. You're my everything. None of this means anything without you."

"Ray, promise me."

"Anything, babe."

"Promise me you'll never ever think about doing that again. Know that I have, and I always will love you more than the stars in the sky; the water in the ocean; the grains of sand on the beach." And as he ticked off the ways he loved her he moved his mouth down to the top of her jeans and traced a wet line below her belly button then he kissed along the zipper line of her jeans before he started to relieve her of them.

Rayna gasped when he drew them down her legs along with her black lace panties.

"Right there," Deacon said pointing to her super sexy undergarment, "is why you drive me crazy. You are hot," and his tongue laved her core. "You are sexy," and he sucked here clit. "You are my world," and his tongue found her entrance and slid in.

"Oh, God Deacon, this is why I can't live without you. You are the only man that can put me in a sexual frenzy." Rayna was breathing hard and bucking against him. She couldn't take it anymore. She came so hard, she screamed his name at the top of her lungs. Thank goodness the girls were out for the night and the neighbors were far enough away that they wouldn't be able to hear them.

He held her until she stopped quivering. She felt so content in his arms. When she finally calmed her body, she pushed him over and got on top of him.

"Ray...what?"

"Shhhhh. I want to show you how much I love you, too."

She slid her body down his toned torso and placed her hands under his firm ass. She gave him a little squeeze. He knew what was coming next and far be it from him to deny her. Deacon closed his eyes and smiled contentedly as Rayna took him in her mouth, that magical mouth. He had been with a lot of women, but the fact that he was Rayna's first and she was eager to learn and please him, meant that she knew exactly what to do to fulfill his every desire.

She massaged his balls while her tongue worked on his rock-hard member. Up and down and around and over the tip. Then she took him into her mouth and down her throat to the hilt and worked him over.

"Ray, baby, I'm not going to last much longer, let me finish inside you."

Rayna released his penis with a pop and he immediately rolled her onto her back and spread her legs with his knee. He was about to explode. He slammed into her and she let out a little scream. His size always took a little bit to accommodate, but Deacon couldn't wait, he needed his release. He pumped in and out of her like a steam engine gaining momentum until his body stiffened and he exploded inside her. Rayna did the same, so turned on by getting him worked up, and him hitting her in just the right spot.

Spent, he collapsed on her and she grasped him tightly as she went over the edge yet again. Good lord Deacon was a stud!

Tears then started to leak from her eyes.

"What's wrong, babe?"

"Absolutely nothing. These are happy tears. Happy that I'm alive. Happy that we have this time together. Happy that we have our family together. I love you so, so much, Deacon."

"And, I, you, Ray. Can I ask you a favor though?"

"Anything. I can't deny you either."

"Can we read your diary together? I know it's very personal, but I want to know how I was in your life when we weren't together and when we were. I want to know about Maddie and what was going on in her life."

Rayna was quiet, she just looked deep in his eyes.

"You don't have to say, 'yes', but it would mean a lot to me. I don't want to sneak."

The tears started again, and Deacon started to speak when Rayna pressed her fingers to his lips. "Deacon, I'm naked around you. We've bared our souls to each other. If you want to know about those times, I'm okay with us reading my diary together. I'm crying because I think it's beautiful and honest and heartfelt that you want to do this. There are parts that will be hard for both of us to read, but we know the end of the story and it's a beautiful ending, so yeah, babe, let's do this."

Deacon stroked her face and gently kissed her. "Thank you."

A simple expression of appreciation sealed their love and started an amazing journey of rediscovering their love and putting a rest to all the secrets for good.