Chapter 1
I'm having nightmares again, I thought they stopped but now I know I was wrong. Why now, after all this time? I had it under control, had control over it. And now it's back, controlling my dreams, controlling me.
I can feel it in my stomach, under my skin, trying to get out.
The others are sensing something, they see I act differently. Rachel asked me about it, why I was avoiding them. Why I was avoiding Nick. I couldn't tell her the truth, knowing she wouldn't trust me anymore if I did. So I told her I needed some time alone. I needed some breathing room. I think she believed me, but I'm not sure.
How could I tell her I avoided Nick because I know I would take him? That I would flirt with him, making him feel comfortable, taking his guard down?
Oh….How I want him so bad. My whole body is screaming, needing him, wanting him. I can't see him anymore; everything he does make me ache more. The way he drink his coffee, his pink full lips wrapped around the edge of the mug, and then I want to be that mug, I'm jealous and I want to destroy that mug…..
I know I have to fight this, like I did then, but it's so hard!
I'm trying to focus on the case we're now working on. It's boring though and I can't keep my mind occupied long enough. I always liked research, translating, helping in any way I can, but not now.
Chapter 2
Thank god, something to keep my mind occupied. Now I can worry about Nick, instead of myself.
He thinks he saw his father. I can see he's troubled about that. He's having nightmares again. At first I never knew why he had them, what it was between him and his father that makes him so scared. Now that I know I wish I could be ignorant once more.
I have them too, his dreams, they are invading my sleep. Horrible dreams filled with fear, anger and so much pain….
Blurred images of his father, and himself, as a little boy. I'm not telling him I know about his nightmares. He would only be more upset and probably angry too.
Rachel and Derek are worried, Kirsten is only curious about the case. At least now I have a good excuse to avoid Nick, I mean, the others do it too.
My dreams, I like them, they take my breath away and some of my longing. Justine and Philippe, I shouldn't miss them, should detest them, but I don't. I know I'm in a dangerous situation, but I can't tell the others, they can't know. They will kill me!
At dinner, I couldn't stop staring at Nick, the way he ate, how he smiled when Kat told him a joke. Every time he smiles he tips his head slightly, showing that gorgeous neck, I can see the blood pulsing in his veins, I can almost smell it. I could almost taste it, his sweet red blood, warm in my mouth……
What is happening to me? I'm not a vampire, am I?
Chapter 3
It's happening again. I know it. I'm turning into what I hate most. The sun burns, daylight hurts my eyes. I've lost my appetite, food makes my stomach churn. I feel hot and feverish, like I'm coming down with something.
Last night I couldn't sleep, I was tossing and turning but I was wide awake. And I soon found myself in his room. He was sleeping, lying on his back, completely vulnerable. His sheet was draped along his slim hips, his head turned to the side. I watched him for hours.
He looks so young when he's sleeping. The lines of worry are faded, and he's not so tense or alert like he is when awake. He's more a boy then a soldier at night. He never lets himself be seen completely, I know that. He wants to be strong, the ever watchful protector, but he longs to find love and peace, to settle down and have what he fears to have, family.
Is that why I want him, his complex character? Or is it because he's strong and young? He's not like Derek, my mentor, my friend, my lover….. I could never hurt him; I love Derek with all my heart and more. But I will hurt him, he loves Nick, he cares for him, feels like he's family.
I wish you could help me Derek, I really do. I feel lost in this dangerous darkness, I feel alone in my longing. But I can't ask for your help, never. This is something I should do alone, I have to do this alone and for the sake of the others, I should leave.
For Nick's sake I should go…..
Chapter 4
I can never look in the mirror again and like what I see. I hate myself, what I am becoming.
I'm dangerous, dark and treacherous. I wanted to leave; I really did want to leave. I even packed a few belongings, but Nick…
He came to ask me something, I don't even remember what it was, and my thoughts about leaving were gone. I wanted to stay close to him, I still do. He's my first…my only…
I want him badly, but I also know that if I take him, we're both lost. I don't want to kill him or hurt him, and I don't want to turn into a vampire either. And yet, the pain is unbearable, the hunger is slowly killing me, it feels I willingly kill myself by not giving in.
I knew I had to do something, anything to make the pain go away, anything to help me, to not die of this terrible hunger and thirst. There's only one remedy to it, I just had to make sure I wouldn't take too much.
His thigh was the right place, where nobody could see the marks, and I have to admit, the intimacy of that place made me blush, even when I was feverish at seeing skin. I felt horrible, lifting the sheet from his muscular body, while he was sleeping, to look for a place to drink, to sink my teeth in. There was a stir when I moved his legs, and I had to use my will to calm him, pushing them apart so I could lie in between.
The soft skin on the inside of his thigh contained enough blood for me to feed on, and it was so hard to brake away, to not take more. But I couldn't, it would make him too weak and me too strong. Nick tossed and moaned while I fed, making me feel guiltier while I write this down. What if he finds out? What if I took too much?
Chapter 5
I don't want to think about the places where I took Nick's blood, taking the skin where people, and him couldn't see. Last thing I wanted to do was to harass him, but the hunger was bigger, my need to feed taking over from my actual conscience.
When I was forced to strip him naked, actually taking off his boxer shorts, I held back for days, not wanting to go that far. His thighs were blue already, the skin needing time to heal before I could bite it again. What else could I have done?
Nick is never going to forgive me, when he finds out. Not that he's shy about his body, but to be touched against his will is something else entirely. I'm feeding on him two weeks now and it keeps us both alive. I feel stronger and better, able to keep up with the cases.
Nick has Rachel worried though, he's paler, tired a lot sooner, dizzy sometimes. It won't be long before she will want him checked out. He's keeping her at bay for now, the thought of docter's freaking him out, but not for long. I know it's because of blood loss, and how come, they won't. And if they see the bruises and puncture wounds on him, we're in a lot of trouble.
I'll try to have Rachel do the blood test; I doubt she or Derek will be against it.
Every day I tell myself I should tell them, and every day I promise myself that I will, but I never do. I'll be expelled, they won't like me anymore, and I'll loose the people that are close to being my family.
Oh Derek, how I wish you could help me.