RESTLESS DAYS AND RESTLESS NIGHTS

by Hemel Lass

"Hey, Thomas…." Rick had been humming, loudly, since he came down the steps as he crossed the lawn of Robin's Nest towards the tidal pool, and Magnum knew exactly why he had done so. It was to let him know someone was approaching, so he wouldn't overreact or react badly, possibly lashing out physically. They all knew to do that at certain times with each other.

Magnum just smiled up at his friend, from where he sat on the ground, with his legs stretched out just short of the retaining wall before the tidal pool. "Hello, Orville…shouldn't you be at work?"

"Orville, huh? What did I ever do to deserve you not calling me my preferred name? And I don't generally work on Sunday, Tommy."

"Oh, it's Sunday? I didn't realize."

"Yeah, Higgins said you haven't been sleeping, like, for quite a while now."

Magnum frowned. "Wait a minute…how does that work? She sleeps in the main house. I'm in the guest house. How would she know if I am sleeping, or not?"

Rick gave him a long look. "Come on, Thomas, the whole property is covered with video cameras, you helped ensure that. She checks the recordings every morning. She showed me some of the replays. You've been patrolling the perimeter every night unless you're swimming laps in the tidal pool…or –- and I couldn't believe this, taking the surf ski out? In the middle of the night? That can't be legal…or safe, TM. It doesn't have lights."

"Actually, Rick, I will have you know that I checked with the Coast Guard and outfit it properly with lights I can put on and take off to recharge. It's not like we are on shipping lanes out here and you know that I know what I am doing at sea. It's not, as Juliet put it the first time I went out at night, 'indulging in risky behavior'. I just needed to DO something, do something different." Magnum stretched his arms out then put them back down on the ground, leaning his weight on them.

Rick leaned on his friend's shoulder and used that to ease down to sit on the ground next to him. "What gives, Thomas? Why can't you sleep? What's going on with you?" He hesitated a moment but plunged ahead. "Higgins told me the Sako girls are still coming to talk to you. Is that it? Look, if talking to them is bringing up stuff that's getting to be too much for you…got the memories too stirred up? My mom always told me that picking at barely healed wounds is how you get scars. Maybe it's time you tell them to go talk to a counselor or something. It can't be good for you…"

Thomas sighed, shaking his head. "Don't start on that, Rick. This isn't delayed stress or PTSD. I'm helping them. I can tell and that's what I want to do. I'm going to keep doing it, too. As long as they need me, I will be here for them."

"Well, who's here for you, huh? To pick up the pieces."

"Rick, I'm fine…no pieces to pick up. And as for sleep...I got plenty of that in the Hole." He shrugged, "Couldn't tell night from day anyway - couldn't even tell if my eyes were open or closed. I can afford to lose some sleep now."

Wright interrupted him. "Thomas, sleep doesn't work that way. You need a certain amount out of every 24 hour period. You can't store it up and carry it over from captivity to now."

"I sleep during the day some and it's not like I have a case right now." Suddenly, Thomas stood up and began pacing restlessly. "It's just at night lately? It's too dark. The walls start closing in and I have to get out…have to move, you know? Have to prove to myself I'm not still back THERE." He rubbed the back of his head, looking a bit sheepish. "Here's something you may not know about me, Rick. I have struggled with insomnia off and on my whole life. Well, most of it, ever since my dad died, actually. It's nothing new. I've coped with it forever and I am handling it now. I really am fine. And, Higgins shouldn't have dragged you into this."

"Now you hold on, Thomas. She shouldn't have had to. That wasn't the deal! But then, you never stick with the deal, dude. You never self report when you are having a tough time with something. You keep it to yourself. You let it fester and grow. We agreed to look out for each other; to be there for each other, …but how can we be here for you, when you hide stuff like this from us, huh? So don't get mad at Higgins…she actually cares about you and there is NOTHING wrong with that!"

"Oh, come on, Rick…she can barely stand me."

The Club manager shook his head. "Look, she likes her little games with you, Tommy, but it's not true she can barely stand you, not anymore. She has become one of us, whether you want to admit it or not."

Magnum's outraged stance faded as his shoulders slumped. "Yea, okay, maybe you're right about that. And I guess I should have told you, but honestly, Rick, I don't consider this a problem. It's just the same old, same old, for me. As I told you, I have struggled with insomnia for most of my life. I have so many little ways of coping. The relentless walking the perimeter? I'm not patrolling, I'm trying to wear myself out enough that I'll actually be able to sleep and not lay up there freaking out. I have to keep going until I can fall asleep and stay asleep, otherwise, I'll wake up screaming. And nobody wants that…the dogs would probably eat me or something."

Rick laughed. "So, how about tonight, TC and I come over and just hang out? Sleepover at Magnum's place. How does that sound? Maybe it will help."

"No slipping me a Mickey. You know I don't handle getting drugged well."

"No Mickey, I promise," Rick stood up. "…and if you need to go for a run or a swim, that's fine. Just let us hang out with you."

"TC may have a tour tomorrow morning, Rick. And you have work." Magnum objected. "I - I don't want to be a problem for you guys."

"Thomas…" Rick grabbed him around his neck, pulled him closer and gently began rubbing his shoulders. "You're not a problem. Maybe TC will have to leave early, but we'll work it out - okay? We are here for you, brother, but you have to let us be here for you."

Thomas sighed. "I'm not sure I'm worth it, Rick."

"All right. Stop that nonsense, right now. It is not a question of you being worth it or not, my friend…but if it was, YOU absolutely are worth it. You have been there for both of us more times than I can count and in ways, I cannot even begin to enumerate." He held up his ring. "Remember what this stands for. More than that, look how you ripped yourself open in your efforts to help Amanda, how you kept her dad from becoming a murderer and how hard you pushed to find Mari in time, for her and her dad. You are a good man, Thomas Magnum…and I am going to keep telling you that until you finally believe it." Rick stepped closer – right inside Magnum's 'personal space', getting a very serious look on his face as he pressed on." Now, what is really going on with you, my friend? Why are you so down on yourself?"

Immediately, Magnum tried to backtrack. "I'm not. Don't mind me." He flashed a grin and quipped. "Haven't you heard? I haven't been sleeping. I must be getting rum dummy."

"Stop. Stop it, right now. Something is going on. What's wrong? What are you thinking?"

The former Seal looked out at the waves. "I shouldn't even be here, Rick. How does it make any sense? I'm still alive and Nuzo…he had Lara and Jay. …And I couldn't. I couldn't…I didn't save him. God, I miss him so much. Why? In what world, does that make any sense? It – it hurts, Rick. It hurts so bad. It's like an ache that never really goes away. I'm so tired of how empty it feels - the place where he used to be." A tear rolled down his cheek…and he swiped at it angrily, shaking his head. "What's the matter with me, dumping that on you? I've got no right. It's my own damn fault."

Rick slapped Thomas lightly on the back of his head. "Stop that! It's not true, damn it! You did everything you could to save Nuzo, TM. You didn't have enough time. And it isn't your fault. I am so sick of you blaming yourself for every damn thing that goes wrong. The only people whose fault it was are rotting in Hell, thanks to you and your efforts, so quit with the self-blame, okay?"

Thomas rubbed the back of his head. "Ow, Rick. That smarts."

Rick grinned at him. "Got your attention though, didn't it?"

"Well, yeah. I guess it did at that. But…"

"No, no buts…no ifs or ands, either. Just settle. Look…we all miss Nuzo. He was kind of a father figure for all of us."

TM cut in. "I think Bast would say he was too young to have fathered any of us, Rick."

"That's debatable," Rick deflected, "but you know what I mean. And most of all, I know how hard it is for you. You were together since BUD/s…and he respected the hell out of you, Thomas. He loved you every bit as much as you loved him, and he wouldn't want you to be feeling this way or doing this to yourself. He'll always be with you here…" He lightly tapped over Magnum's heart. "and in here." He placed his hand on the PI's forehead. "And I know it isn't quite the same with TC and me because we were Marines, not Navy, but we are still your brothers…and we are here for you. You should have told us this was still hurting so much, Magnum. I know grief is like that. It doesn't follow a linear path…it's more like the waves on the ocean…and sometimes a riptide comes…"

"Yea…that's what it is like. I'll think I've cleared them and suddenly a big one comes up and…Bam…it's all as fresh as if I just found him." Thomas shook his head. "I've got to get my shit together."

"Again with this…" Rick shook his head, "you're allowed to have rough times…just the same as any of us… You don't have to be 'together' or 'the strong one' all the time, Tommy. Why are you so damn hard on yourself?"

To that, Thomas just shrugged. "Maybe it's the Irish in me?"

Rick barked a laugh. "Sometimes I forget about that – that you are part Irish. So something's got your Irish up, hey?"

"Maybe…. I think manic-depressive is a default Irish condition."

Rick chuckled, "I'll have to ask Chaplain Murphy if that's true the next time I see him."

Magnum's eyes got big. "Don't do that! Has he ever whacked you with his shillelagh?"

"Why? Has he whacked you?" When TM nodded, Rick shook his head. "Sounds like you managed to get his Irish up for sure. So he's got a real shillelagh."

"You never noticed it? It hangs on his wall right over his desk."

"I think you must have wound up in his office more often than I did," Rick replied.

Magnum shook his head. "Not telling… He knew my Grandpa Sullivan, you know?"

"Really? "

"Yeah, …he did. We used to trade stories over an Irish coffee sometimes."

"The padre is a good guy. So, see you tonight?"

"Only if it works out for both of you though…if you have to cancel, I'll understand and I will be okay."

"Drop it, Thomas. I'll be here for sure and I will lay you good odds, so will TC! Okay?"

Looking somewhat embarrassed, Magnum finally gave in. "Okay. Hey, want to go out to lunch? My treat?"

"Kamekona's shrimp truck?"

Tom shrugged. "Sure, why not?" The two friends headed for the Ferrari.

While, up in the main house, Higgins watched on the security feed and sighed in relief that Magnum had his friends to lean on.