The Reticent
~)) … ((~
Warning: This story will not be for the faint of heart, the weak of stomach, or the easily disturbed/offended. I will not be alluding to acts of torture and there will be character death.
Disclaimer: I do not own Naruto or any associated canon characters.
By Lady Ryden
~)) … Chapter 1: Damned From The Start … ((~
Well that is that and this is this,
Will you tell me what you saw?
And I'll tell you what you missed.
~)) … ((~
The tear-glassed honey eyes of a woman watched the man before her with an admiration that only could come from years of familiar contact and an undying respect that had rooted itself in her heart from knowledge of his hardships and his uncanny ability to pull through no matter the circumstances. Very few people earned this gaze and even fewer earned her tears.
"I understand what my decision entails, Hokage-sama. The risks are ones I'm willing to take." Kakashi stated flatly, mismatched eyes focused directly above her head out of fear that if he met her gaze, he would lose all ambition he had to follow through.
"Does she understand, Kakashi?" Tsunade inquired smoothly, though her voice was heavy with mixed emotions.
Slowly, he nodded. "Yes, Hokage-sama… that's why there has been a change in plans." He swallowed hard, biting back the uncertainty rising in his throat.
"Oh?"
"She will be coming with me. Sakura has made this choice of her own accord… and I believe that after everything that has happened to her, that she is allowed to pursue this alternative." Kakashi cleared his throat and took a deep breath. His weight shifted from one foot to the other before he straightened slightly. "Lady Tsunade, she has specifically asked me to tell you she does not wish to struggle modifying her whole life around her new disability to be part of society. She feels that she would be happier living a freelance life. One where people wouldn't ask too many questions…"
Tsunade considered the words of the silver-haired jounin before her, eyes closed in thought. If she allowed Sakura her wish of leaving Konohagakure, she would not only be losing Kakashi Hatake but Sakura Haruno herself as well. They were two of her best shinobi and despite how unsettling those facts were to face, she agreed with Kakashi. Sakura had lost so much more on this mission than ever she or anyone else had ever imagined she might and while she still had a firm, two-handed grasp on her life, it had been radically changed forever.
For a moment, she thought of Dan and her brother and how after their deaths, she had needed to leave.
With a heavy heart weighing down her shoulders, the Hokage inclined her head with acceptance of their selection. "I will allow it." She affirmed softly. She allowed her golden eyes to flicker upward and meet Kakashi's. "I ask one thing of you both before you leave, however."
"Anything, Hokage-sama." Kakashi answered steadfastly.
"I want to know the story." She declared. "I want to know what happened on that mission, to both of you, and what happened to Sai. Sometimes facing up to the bad dreams can be the best way to overcome them."
She watched as he closed his eyes. He sighed heavily. "Very well." He stepped forward toward her desk. "May I respectfully request that Sakura not be present for this? She's sleeping now and she…she needs the rest, Hokage-sama. She has informed me, in detail, of some of the things she thought along the way…and things that happened to her when we were... separated. I know bits and pieces of Sai's side as well…but… Forgive me for any inconsistencies." He swallowed painfully. "His death is also a very hard topic for her to deal with. She's really struggling to come to terms with it."
"That's fine, Kakashi. I'll take what I can get." He had another point. If she wanted to hear the story, and still allow them time to leave before morning light, Kakashi would have to tell it. That the young medic needed rest was simply a cover for Kakashi to say it would take far too long. As much as she loved Sakura and didn't want her or the brat Hatake to leave, waiting for her to explain everything would keep them in the village for days. She didn't wish to upset the girl, either. At this, she reasoned, Kakashi's memory would need to suffice. "Where will you start?"
"From the beginning."
The soft sound of brushes scraping and spreading wet, oily paint against canvas filled the small studio. Pale, alabaster fingers lightly gripped said brush, guiding each stroke with an elegance that only years of practice could produce.
Sai's pink tongue peeked out of the corner of his mouth, as his eyebrows pulled down in concentration. Every so often he would tilt his head to appraise his masterpiece, often tutting to himself over a small error or something he missed. He would often quickly fix it and then pick back up where he left off right before.
Sakura watched him do this for nearly an hour as he slowly crafted what were once dark scribbles in pencil into a masterpiece of oil-on-canvas. She could see the defined shape of the cherry blossom tree he'd formed against the grey, stormy backdrop.
She smiled happily as he turned to her and grinned. "Do you like it?"
She nodded vigorously. "I do, very much."
The young medic observed him as he went back to work, slowly dotting in the blossoms with light, impressionistic dots. When she'd first met him six years ago, she hadn't liked him very much but after graduating from her jounin rank into ANBU at nineteen she had been placed on his team and forced to spend more time with him. From there they had moved from awkward acquaintances to good friends.
Often he would invite her to his apartment-studio to watch him paint or model for a sketch. On their days off, they habitually met for breakfast coffee and would have lunch together. She got on well with him, better than she had originally thought possible and after spending so much time with her, his people skills had improved. Not greatly, but he was much more inclined to act appropriately in public.
As it turned out, he was quite charismatic when he wasn't trying to impress someone or act normal. He had a sweet and lively laugh and because it was so rare to hear, Sakura treasured it even more.
"That is good." He said softly before sticking his tongue out again as he began shading the tree with yielding pats. "I would like to call this one 'Sakura'."
"I'm not sure why, but I quite like that name." She teased playfully as she slowly stood and stretched. He smiled to himself and shook his head as she padded lightly into his small kitchenette and threw open his fridge. On the rack-shelves there resided nothing but a gallon of milk, a jar of strawberry jam and cold take-out from three nights ago. "We should go out for dinner."
"Hmm." Sai hummed. "Where would you like to go? It's my turn to pay."
She tapped her chin and threw open the cupboards above his counters. Naruto's instant ramen cups and bowls stared back at her. "It's been awhile since we've been to Ichiraku's." She sang. She could feel his dark eyes find her and pierce her with stares of evil ramen-hating intent and it plastered a bright smile across her face.
"If that's what you really want… I guess they have good tempura." He grumbled as he turned his head back to the paint palate in his left hand. "Naruto will be back in town tonight, yes? If he is, as Ichiraku's tends to be his first stop, we could stick him with the bill."
"You're positively wicked." Sakura giggled. "I love it."
He rolled his eyes dramatically. "It's a gift."
"I'm sure." She sat back down in the chair she'd originally dwelled in and began pulling her black boots on, first her left then her right. When both were on, she gave both feet a heavy stomp for good measure and her enjoyment.
Both she and Sai listened as the elderly woman in the apartment beneath Sai's beat against her ceiling repeatedly with the blunt end of her broom, yelling a frustrated: "Knock it off!"
He raised a single brow in question but couldn't hide the amused tone of his voice. "Was that really necessary, Sakura?"
She shrugged as she stood, placing her hands on her hips. "She called me a hussy the other day because she thinks we're having premarital sex."
"Ah." He nodded as he finished capping all of his paints. He stood and settled his palate on the stool he'd been sitting on for the last few hours. "You received the sanctity of virginity speech too, then?"
"Twice." She admitted. "Once when she caught me climbing up the fire exit, and once in the supermarket."
The nosy old bag had managed to catch her off guard while she was shopping. And then proceeded to relentlessly chew her ear over the reasons why 'having sex' with her neighbor before they were married was going to send her to hell. She had violated some age-old code of conduct or something. She'd tuned out after explaining to her that Sai's wife deserved to be the first and last person to ever know him on that level.
He chuckled lightly at this. "I've gotten it three times. Once in the stairwell, and twice when she cornered me while I was getting my mail." He sighed and pulled on his cropped ROOT jacket. He rolled his shoulders to straighten it out. "I tried telling her we were not intimate. Stupid old hag doesn't listen."
That she didn't, Sakura mused as she followed Sai out the door of his apartment.
On the other side of town, Kakashi sat comfortably perched in a tall oak tree, one that over looked the village from the top of the Hokage Monument. The small, well-worn green-jacketed Icha Icha Tactics was cradled in his large hand. His lone visible eye followed the sentences as his ears listened to the sound of birds in the branches above him.
He would look up and outward over the city and watch as the warm orange glow of the sun slowly descended behind the trees kissing the horizon. It painted the sky a warm red tonight, with touches of pink and purple in the clouds. He liked red nights the best.
Periodically he would whistle a clear note and earn a mocking response from a small white warbling bird at the end of the bough he sat on. It fluttered away when his stomach growled loudly. He sighed and pressed a palm flat to his abdomen then snapped his little green book shut. He'd run out of decent reading light anyway and he'd promised Naruto he'd meet him at Ichiraku's for dinner. Deciding he wasn't going to pass up a free meal, albeit Naruto didn't know he was paying yet, Kakashi jumped down from the branches of the tree and landed on his toes in the dust of the ground below.
He began his stroll toward the small eatery with shoulders slouched forward and his own scarred hands buried deep in his pockets. The looming length of the Hokage Monument stairs gazed up at him practically cackling with their ceaselessness, but with each step he conquered, the noise of their silent laughter became quieter.
When Kakashi finally reached the streets below, he turned his head to look at the ascending stairs and mentally shook a fist at them in victory. His old bones on the other hand ached in protest – an odd first-time occurrence that made him feel utterly uncomfortable.
He was a measly thirty-seven. He considered himself too young to have aching bones, at least in civilian years. There had to be a simple explanation for it. Perhaps he was coming down with something, the flu or its likes.
Whatever reasoning he tried to find for sore bones was lost when he saw three pairs of familiar sandaled feet underneath the entry drapery of Naruto's favorite ramen stand. He smiled underneath the black of his mask and lifted one of the large signs to allow himself in.
"Yo." He greeted with a raise of his hand.
Crystalline blue eyes and a bronzed face found him before he had a chance to sit down. "Kakashi-sensei!" Naruto cheered, scooping his old teacher up in a backbreaking hug.
Kakashi winced as his back popped but when some of the soreness left him, he sighed. That was it; He thought as he took his seat next to Sakura on his normal polished stool. Built-up tension was making him feel old.
Sakura glanced to her sensei as he ordered his regular miso and eggplant dinner and smiled. He was completely tuning out Naruto's long-winded story of how hot the babes in Suna were and how he nearly scored with a woman who had had twelve fingers. She silently decided that she liked these days the best – when the entire team was together, acting like the messed up family they were.
Sai would sketch an assortment of things absently on his napkin, Naruto would ramble aimlessly about everything and anything, Kakashi would pretend to ignore them unless something of interest actually presented itself, and Sakura would be between them all thinking of how good she really had things.
Being a shinobi meant life was never easy, but it certainly beat out the uneventful day-in-and-day-out routines civilians had.
Sai heaved a sigh as he stared down at the lines slowly forming into a woman on his napkin. His dark eyes would flicker to Sakura as she smiled up at Kakashi and then he'd watch as she ate. Every time she lifted those green orbs to their team leader, a twinge of tightness would build deep within his abdomen and make him feel nearly too sick to eat but every time she looked at him, he felt as though the tight pain was melting away.
Before he had a chance to realize just who the woman he was drawing was, Naruto snatched away the little white sheet and laughed like a madman. "Ooh, drawing Sakura-chan?" he held it out in front of him with both hands and turned it from side to side as he appraised it.
Both Kakashi and Sakura looked up at Naruto's incessant giggling. Sai closed his eyes and mumbled a dejected, "Oh." Warmth rose in his cheeks, but he didn't know why.
"Sakura, this is the best you've ever looked." Teased the blonde, ducking out of the medic's reach to avoid a well-aimed chakra-laden punch as she leaned across Sai's lap.
Embarrassment. That's what he was feeling, Sai concluded as he appraised the sketch too, trying desperately to ignore Sakura's small frame pressed against his. He didn't understand why though. He'd drawn Sakura plenty of times, in the nude even, and she'd been much prettier in the other drawings – her eyes were too wide in this one and her mouth a little crooked. They were imperfections that Sakura didn't really have.
"Give me that, you idiot." Sakura demanded as she slid from her stool and wrapped her arms around Naruto's neck. "Give it back."
"Mine." Naruto declared before quickly crumpling the napkin in his large hand and shoving it down the front waistband of his pants.
Kakashi watched his team's antics with mirthful pleasure. Sakura pummeled Naruto curtly over the head with her fists for being "such an idiot". Naruto sobbed in defeat and returned the napkin to the pale ANBU on the seat next to his. Sai took the paper cloth and smoothed it out on the tabletop, staring down at his second-rate draft.
Kakashi narrowed his eyes on the former ROOT operative. He knew that look. It was somewhere between longing for and needing. It should have shocked him that Sai was indeed capable of feeling what others might call 'a crush'. He had been subjected to emotional stunting as a child and didn't understand most things he felt but Kakashi knew that Sai was only human, even when he didn't act it. Human's fell in love – and it appeared Sai had taken the first step towards falling.
It left Kakashi to briefly wonder if Sakura returned those feelings. They certainly had been spending a lot of time together lately – lunch dates, coffee, sleepovers (despite how juvenile it seemed).
His thought's were cut short however as the well-known beating of wings founds his ears. All four shinobi turned toward the entrance, eyes trained on the messenger bird as it completed its elegant landing.
Naruto growled. "I swear, if Baa-chan is sending my on another mission, I'll scream."
Kakashi shook his head and leaned down to stroke the large bird's head. "It's not for you, Naruto. Look at the seal – it's an ANBU assignment." Marked in gloss red and flat black ink was the universal ANBU swirl, the same one that was tattooed to his arm, Sai's and Sakura's.
With quick fingers, he untied the small scroll tied to the hawk's leg. As he sat back up, the bird took off, no doubt returning to its safe position at the bird collective. He sighed and cracked it open.
"Well?" Naruto finally asked after watching Kakashi read it for a few seconds.
"She wants a three man team: Haruno Sakura, Hatake Kakashi and 'Sai'." He read aloud, silver brows pulling down in confusion. "She wants to see us immediately."
Sakura stood and turned to the blonde male who sat frowning at them. "Sorry, Naruto but could you…?"
He waved them on with his hand. "Sure. Go."
Sai grabbed his napkin, and shoved it in the pocket of his trousers as he came to stand at his full height.
Kakashi dispersed in his traditional method, with smoky clouds and a light pop of sound. Sai and Sakura quickly scaled the nearest building and bounded from rooftop to rooftop, feet hitting in unison. They moved this way quickly and in silence until they reached the large open windows of Tsunade's office.
They quickly entered from a side one and took their positions beside Kakashi.
"Hokage-sama." They hailed together.
Tsunade sat at her desk, slender fingers steepled beneath her nose as she gazed at them. "Your mission." She said firmly before picking up the white scroll on her polished desk and tossing it to Kakashi.
He caught it adroitly with one hand, and quickly moved to unseal it. "Kai." His eye moved over the words quickly before he looked up in surprise, passing it to Sai who stood at his left. "An undercover operation to an insane asylum? I thought those things had been done away with years ago?"
The Hokage nodded. "Most were due to advances in medical studies and understandings, but three remain open throughout the world for 'extreme cases' that 'have yet to be made sense of'."
Sai nodded as he passed the scroll to Sakura, "Will we be posing as 'extreme cases'?"
She nodded. "Yes. The three of you will be sent in to a place called Kokoro no Basho, just south of Wind's border. Those who have been inside this place have deemed it the more appropriate: 'Madhouse'. You will assume the guises of insane patients."
Sakura frowned. "That's kind of offensive, Lady Tsunade."
Certainly of all people to understand just what mental illnesses were, Sakura thought it would be Tsunade. She was the most famous medical kunoichi in the world.
"Not where you're going." Tsunade warned. "These people are a little more than just 'mentally unstable or ill'. There's a reason they've been locked up and it's not because they're your average mental health patient."
Kakashi cleared his throat, almost nervously. "Sakura, Madhouse isn't just an asylum…. It's an above maximum-security sanitarium. Most of them have a cognitive knowledge of everything they do. They're psychopaths with a purpose."
He'd heard of this place. He'd had friends return from this place and they were never the same afterward. What happened behind those walls, stayed behind those walls – that was enough to have the chill of uncertain dread climbing up each of his vertebrae like it was a ladder. He could feel each hand and foot as they pressed down, racing up his back as fast a possible.
"...So we need to become psychopaths with a purpose, too?" Sakura asked rather coyly, pink brows knitted with concern.
The Hokage nodded once. "That is the plan. You depart tomorrow morning, before dawn, escorted by ANBU Team Nineteen. Is this understood?"
"Yes, ma'am." They said together.
"A character basis will be assigned to you sometime within the course of the evening, your profiles are being created as we speak. From there, you're to change whatever is necessary to achieve your character."
Kakashi inclined his head slowly. "Hokage-sama, may I ask as to the reason behind this mission?"
She smirked. "Someone within Madhouse has been busy – one by one guards have been found tortured and killed but investigations have all come up short of a executor. You're job is to figure out who's killing these shinobi, understood?"
"Yes, ma'am."
"Dismissed."
On cue, Kakashi's smoke clouds appeared and he disappeared, leaving Sai and Sakura to walk out.
As they descended the steps of the Hokage tower, Sakura sighed heavily and rested her head on her companion's shoulder.
"Is there something wrong?" He asked.
She shook her head. "No. This just doesn't sound like it's going to be a very pleasant mission." She stuck her tongue out at him playfully when he prodded his fingers against her ticklish spot to cheer her up. "I don't like undercover ops."
Sai pursed his lips with thought. This told Sakura he didn't so readily agree with her on the disliking of undercover missions. "I rather do." He started, "By playing a persona that is not my own, I am able to gain knowledge on emotions I have yet to experience because I must pretend that I have them. Does that make sense to you?"
"I suppose. What emotion is your favorite?" She queried easily as they started back toward his apartment.
His answer took a few moments, and was not at all when she expected to hear come from his too-smart mouth. "The melting one."
"Eh?"
He faked a smile and she frowned but listened just as intently as he began explaining. "I mean the one that makes me feel like my stomach is melting and makes my head sort of…spin. It's very warm, and I like feeling it." He scratched at his bare abdomen as he awaited her response.
She nodded slowly and smiled at him. She knew that one all too well – it was love. Not a fierce love of undying passion but one like coals sitting in ones belly, a pleasing and inviting one with room to grow and the ability become a blaze. "When do you feel this melting emotion?"
Ebony eyes found her emerald ones as he quirked one side of his mouth up. Ah, she thought. A normal person might have pegged that face as an insulting glance, the way his eyes widened slightly and his brows rose, but she knew it was as Sai's universal go-to face for 'I really don't want to tell you/talk about it'. She nodded in understanding, telling him she wasn't going to pry any further, though curiosity was now spinning through her mind.
"I guess this means you'll have to finish the painting when we get back, huh?" Sakura finally asked as they started for the stairwell leading up to Sai's apartment. She silently prayed that they didn't run into the crazy old bag lady.
He nodded. "It will wait for me, I am sure. Unless the idiot steals it."
"Mm." She smiled warmly at him as he jimmied the key into the lock of his door to open it. He pushed open and let her in.
"Do you think we will be allowed communication where we are going?" He asked, face going blank as he gazed at the canvas from across the room. "I messed up the lighting in the flowers." He said this aloud, more to himself than to Sakura who flopped down lazily on his couch.
"I should think we'd be allowed to communicate. If we are going to be posing as murderers with all of our cognitive functions, I imagine they wouldn't want to upset us and send us off the deep end. So it only makes sense that they would."
He simply hummed and picked up his palate board.
She watched as he started on the painting once more, fixing the pink and white blossoms of the tree. She liked the conviction it held, the way the tree was bending with the storm but not breaking. The painting spoke, spoke of strengths and weaknesses, of overcoming hardships. "I think this one is my favorite, Sai."
"I think it will be one of my best when I am done." His cherry tongue peeked out from between pale lips as he concentrated.
Happily she concluded that she liked these moments the best, the ones where Sai was truly himself, the moments when he lost his worldly curiosity and found his emotional balance. He was never trying to please anyone but himself when he painted, never needed to feel in his head what emotion he tried to convey because his hand did it so elegantly for him. Each stroke, line and dot was a piece of his puzzle and the more he painted things he could name, the more he gained back what he had lost to ROOT. Yes, Sakura decided, she liked these moments with him the most because he let her see him.
Sai could feel her eyes watching over his shoulder as he lightly dabbed specs of red against the pale blossoms of his sakura tree. He liked it immensely when she watched though he could not explain to himself why. In fact, he liked having Sakura around in general. She was brash at times, but comfortable in her own skin and he admired that. Her scent was pleasing and while he had once deemed her ugly, because he had not known any better for her colorful features were foreign and exotic to him, he now saw the true beauty that was her own.
Considering all he liked, perhaps even loved about her, he still concluded that he did not like her eyes. They were wide and fawn like – that he supposed was not truly where his distaste lied – they were vividly green. An almost indescribable colour and he just couldn't stand it. He could not recreate it in his drawings and paintings, and thus, much to his chagrin, could not finish portraits in which Sakura's face was the focus.
He was pulled from his rumination by the soft tck of shinobi sandals hitting the wooden frame of his west window. Obsidian eyes shifted sideways to take in the sight of Kakashi gently stepping down from the sill, three mint-green scrolls clutched in one hand.
Their facades, he concluded.
Kakashi quickly surveyed Sai's open loft. Sakura lay sprawled comfortably on the only couch, her eyes half-lidded and focused on him, though moments ago they had bore into the canvas upon Sai's easel.
She gazed up at him with jade eyes and a frown. "Well?"
Lifting his arm, he tossed them both their selective profiles. With his hands a bit freer, he tore open his own as he relayed the information he'd gained upon receiving the scrolls. "They're giving us a bit of flexibility – we're being allowed to choose first names as they've filed everything by surname. Medical and criminal records, certificates and an assortment of other things are being sent to Kokoro no Basho as we speak."
Sai's face fell unreadably blank as he quickly read through the descriptions. Sakura's lips pursed to the right and her brows fell to a vee.
Kakashi allowed his eyes to study his profile. He was to become forty-year old Ie-san, a serial arsonist/murderer who had an unhealthy obsession with blonde females whose eyes were brown, women who were allegedly supposed to resemble an unrequited lover. He sighed as he read on. His first victim had been the woman that had broken his heart, and from there he had learned that he liked and even desired killing people.
Grumbling absently, Sakura allowed this new her to sink in. A matricidal, patricidal, electively mute teenager who had not only killed her parents but the parents of three other children much younger than she. The reason for her mental break was unknown but that when she gained the knowledge of a person having children, it sent her completely over the edge and the urge to kill them became overwhelming. She gave a low one-tuned whistle.
Aya-san. Sai simply blinked at the name. At least they'd played into his art… he was now a compulsively neat man who had killed fourteen people by stabbing each of them an even twenty times with the sharpened end of a two-inch paint brush. All of his victims were art critics who had given him bad evaluations, starting with his very first art instructor from his academy years. He slowly frowned, and while confined his new persona had formed a dedicated attachment to Fumitaka-san for whom he would often act as a voice.
"This is stupid." Sakura growled, rolling up her scroll with conviction. "I'm a homicidal teenager with a raging mommy-daddy issue."
"Hn." Kakashi slowly rolled his profile up. "I like long walks on the beach at sunset, soul music and romantic comedies, on the side I kill brown-eyed blondes and set fires because the woman I love doesn't love me back… but I killed her, so..."
"I stab art critics with paint brushes, and am quite fond of Fumitaka-san. Which one of you is…?"
Sakura raised her hand even with her shoulder. "Aren't we just a friendly, sunshiny group of people?"
"Sunshiny?" Sai quirked softly as his brows knit with confusion. "I am not familiar with that term."
"It means to be bright or cheerful."
"Ah." He nodded. "The inflection in your voice meant you were using it facetiously?"
"Yes, Sai." Sakura answered with as sigh. She rubbed her temples with her fingers in slow, gentle circles.
Kakashi padded across the room and sat down on the couch near Sakura's feet. "We need full names…" He rubbed the back of his neck sheepishly. "I like Ie Arashi."
Sakura's eye flickered from her hands to Kakashi where he sat at her feet. "That's not bad. I've always liked the name Unmei. So, Fumitaka Unmei." She affirmed.
"Aya Kaiga."
Kakashi stared for a short moment. "That's creative."
"Not really." Sai said with a shrug.
Sakura giggled lightly. "He was being sarcastic."
Sai frowned and turned back to his painting. His stomach felt tight again because she was laughing for Kakashi. It wasn't just Kakashi though, he reasoned. He always felt off when Sakura's attention was focused on Naruto. Was this what they called self-centered? He liked being the center of her attention but being self-centered was generally viewed from a negative point of view and he didn't want Sakura to view him negatively.
In fact he wanted just the opposite.
Sighing to himself, he began capping all of his paints. He padded lightly into his kitchenette and thoroughly rinsed his brushes underneath the warm stream of water from the faucet before resting them on the windowsill above his two-basin sink to dry. He would have to put them away when he returned.
Tsunade rested back in her chair, arms crossed beneath her breasts as Kakashi broke from his reverie-like recollection of everything that had happened to himself, Sakura and Sai just four-months prior. She was starting to realize, indicated by that wistful look in his eyes, that the events they had partaken in would only get worse from here.
The silver-haired jounin sat not uncomfortably in a softly padded armchair in front of her desk; having pulled it away from the wall quietly when he'd began his story. He rubbed his chin absently. His gaze focused on something out the window to her right for a moment but then returned to her own.
He frowned. While the dim light of her office so late in the evening merely produced shadows on his masked face, she could see that shift in expressions from his eyes. His brow drooped lightly and his eyes cast downward to his feet and they lost the light that his longing smirk had held.
"What happened after that, Kakashi?" She finally queried, breaking the pensive silence he had created at the ceasing of his words.
His exposed forefinger absently traced the seams of the padding against the wooden arm of his chair. His eyes flickered to that, then to her. "Sakura and I left to get some sleep, by that time it was very late in the evening."
The same cumbersome silence fell over them, broken in intervals by the soft tick-tocking of the analog clock on the north-facing wall. The air was thick with the warm humidity that often accompanied Land of Fire summers, and Kakashi unzipped his flak vest as he shifted position, resting his ankle over his knee with a sigh.
"Is that all that happened? You went back to your apartment and went to bed?" The Hokage frowned, pressing him for the rest of the story.
Kakashi squirmed once more. "I'm thirsty." He told her. "May I get a glass of water?"
Tsunade nodded. "I'll have Shizune get you one." She stood and crossed the room easily, her heels lightly tapping against the hard floor. She pulled the door open with a creak, and stuck her head out the door to see if her assistant was still occupying the desk at the end of the hallway.
The brunette sat slouched over a poisons textbook, the ambient light of her small desk lamp doing little to light the expansive corridor.
"Shizune, will you get us some water?"
The medic perked up, jerking her head away from her manual in a way that made her hair sway. "Y-yes, right away Lady Tsunade."
She turned back into the room and closed the door with a soft click. She stared at him for a moment. His elbow was braced against the chair with his fingers pressed against his eyes. He was slumped forward, but it wasn't in his normal, lazy and wayward slouch. It was tension and exhaustion weighing him down. And She knew all too well that subtle little groan of uneasiness.
Age was catching up to the Copy Ninja.
Yes, for a man his age he was in peak physical condition, but a normal man his age rarely faced the things he had. And shinobi so rarely lived to see so many years as Kakashi Hatake had. She frowned and slowly crossed the room again, moving back toward her desk to sit across from him once more.
He straightened, mismatched eyes of red and ash-blue finding her soft honey ones. "This light makes you look your age."
Kakashi huffed drolly, his eyes briefly closing with amusement. "I certainly feel it, and I can tell you it has nothing to do with the light." The same hand that had been pressed to his face moved and sifted his hair through his battle-knicked fingers wearily. "I'm just so tired, Tsunade."
He had dropped the formality, but she didn't mind. At this moment, they were not speaking as a commander and her soldier but as old friends. "I would imagine." Her voice was gentle and soft, like a mother's caress when her child had grown ill. "Maybe…perhaps a break from the field will do you some good."
"I can only hope." He murmured, rubbing his eyes again. "Some days it's an effort to even crawl out of bed. My head hurts, I'm always sore and my bones have started aching. I am just not as young as I used to be."
"I know how that feels." She replied. "Like the weight of the world has taken seat on your shoulders."
"…That's the explanation I've been looking for."
"Mm. I didn't realize that that's what I was feeling until I took this position." She paused as she thought through her words with deliberation. Sure of her next statement, she continued. "Take it from me, Kakashi, enjoy what years you have left, however many that may be. Be it three days or thirty years, live them with conviction. So that way when it finally does come time to say good-bye, you can be sure that you aren't leaving with regrets. The world may weigh you down, but it doesn't mean you can't keep pushing forward."
He closed his eyes and nodded, taking her words to heart. "Thank you."
"Make sure she knows that too, brat. Don't let her wallow in what she's lost."
A soft sigh escaped him. "What will you tell Naruto? When we leave, he's lost his entire team…his family."
"I'll tell him what he needs to know. About Sai, and about you and Sakura."
"I hate to abandon him like this… but I just can't do it. Not anymore." His head fell forward, his chin digging into his chest to hide the pain in his face. "I hope he understands…but I think losing Sakura will hurt him the most."
Tsunade closed her eyes for a brief moment before strumming her fingers lightly on the desk. "Tenzou will handle him. I'll let him in on what's happening and why."
Kakashi simply nodded. Shizune's soft knock echoed quietly through the room, alerting them of her presence behind the door. A second later, she'd pushed through the large wooden entry with a pitcher and two glasses. She crossed the room in silence before settling her items on the front of the Hokage's desk. She nodded briskly to Tsunade prior to turning on her heel to exit.
Kakashi's apologetic eyes barely met her worried gaze as she strode by, but she smiled faintly telling him that she understood his choice, and disappeared back to the hall.
His heart quivered and he slumped forward with his face in his hands. The tears were few, but they still managed to well at the corners of his eyes. He wasn't only saying farewell to a way of life, but the individuals that had occupied that life. Thirty years he had spent with them and the realization washed over him in waves of sorrow. Breathing deeply to regain his composure, Kakashi used his hands against his legs to push himself back up into his sitting position.
He swallowed deeply. "I'll go on, but please for everyone's sake, keep an open mind. I will be bluntly honest with you, Tsunade-sama."
"That's all I ask, Kakashi."
"After deciding our names as a group, Sakura and I did leave…"
Kakashi glanced to Sakura as they stepped out into the street from the door of Sai's apartment complex. The evening had cooled considerably in the last few hours and Sakura gently rubbed her arms with open palms to build warmth. She smiled at him warmly as they strolled beneath the street lamps at a comfortably leisured pace.
"I always liked nights like this." She told him with a quiet, hushed tone. "Cool ones, when it's not too cold, but the air is crisp. These are the best nights for stargazing."
"Hn." He hummed, glancing upward to see if Sakura's stars were out. Indeed they were, lighting the dark sky with little pinpoints of reds, blues and whites.
He could make out the various constellations he'd learned over the years with ease.
Sakura's slender hand rose above them as she pointed a single finger toward the sky. "That one, right there, is my favorite."
His eye followed her finger to a small but very bright star. "Why that one?" He asked, glancing at her as she peered upward. The light of the half-moon caught the emerald of her eyes, making them sparkle a brilliant viridian. It paled her hair to a soft almost iridescent rose, and he had to keep from reaching out and fingering the soft, colourful locks.
He sighed as he confessed to himself just why it was he knew so familiarly that look that Sai had had when he would gaze at Sakura. He had seen it on Naruto's face and he had seen in on Sakura's – but it was the same longing that his heart had grown accustomed to, just like theirs, that told him what it was that they felt. He didn't like admitting it to himself, but he'd fallen for her just as Naruto once had, and just as Sai was.
"Because it's at the center of a heart, look at the shape the stars around it make." She almost giggled as she traced the abstract curves and contours. "Do you see it?"
He nodded, the motion shaking his hair in front of his face. "Yes." Came his soft reply as they stopped outside her doorstep.
They continued peering up into the night sky until their necks hurt from craning to see the patterns and images. Kakashi almost laughed, soft cloud of his breath dancing above them in billowing rolls, as they watched the brilliant gold of a shooting star race across the darkness.
"Make a wish." She murmured, lowering her eyes to meet his with a grin.
He was too old for making wishes, he told himself, but he couldn't help it when the words slipped from his lips into the chilly air. "I wish that this mission will go off without a hitch and that we could be back home before the real heat sets in."
It was a silly thing to say. Of all the things he could 'wish' for. What about true love, longevity, world peace and all the other things someone was supposed to wish for.
Pink brows pulled down. "You aren't supposed to say it aloud. That's bad luck." Sakura teased. "But that was a good wish, much better than the one I made." She turned to her door and settled her hand against the handle. "Good-night, you jinx."
"Good-night, Sakura." He countered with a smile. "Sleep well."
"You too, Kakashi-sensei."
Kakashi buried his hands deep within his pockets as he continued onto his apartment. He allowed his sandals to beat lightly against the stones of the walkway. The sound was hollow and empty and echoed off alley walls as he passed them. He absently whistled a short tune, but his bird friends didn't answer and he sighed as the same weight from earlier settled between his shoulders.
The dull ache traveled to his lower back, pinching sharply when he didn't stand just right. He heaved a heavy sigh as he leapt up to the sill of his window, balancing skillfully on the edge as he shimmied open his window. When the space was enough for him to fit through, he did, taking precaution not to step on his bed while his shoes were still on.
Both feet hit the wooden floor with a thud as he stepped from the extended window-shelf. He didn't bother to glance at the clock as he toed out of his sandals, kicking them under his bed as he slipped from his vest and hitae-ate. When they met the floor, it made a heavy sound, one much louder than the one he'd made coming it. Next to find the hardwood was his shirt, which was thrown to some unimportant place in his room, and then his pants, which he lifted with his foot to toss toward the door. He would have to do laundry when he returned.
His briefs snuggly hugged his lower portion as he padded into the connected bathroom to brush his teeth. He made a note to shower in the morning before they left as he rinsed and spit. Then he walked back into his bedroom and climbed into bed, pulling the heavy shuriken patterned quilt up to his shoulders.
It wasn't long before he fell asleep, eyelids growing heavy from stargazing through his open window.
Morning came much too soon for the three of them. There was no wake up call like waking to find members of ANBU team Nineteen occupying one's bedroom; members who had been watching you sleep for the last hour or so.
Kakashi brushed passed a man in a hawk mask idly to take his morning shower and find civilian-like clothes because his normal garb wasn't going to pass as inconspicuous. After a quick five-minute wash, he pulled on an old, worn pair of jeans and a long-sleeved turtleneck. Overtop of that, he slipped into one of the old beaten zip-up sweatshirts he had and a leather jacket. He packed his mission bag with other items of a similar nature, his toiletries and his underwear. An eye-patch over his sharingan soon followed. With a resigned noise, he looked to the ANBU that stood silently waiting in the corner. "Lead the way, Genma."
Sai, upon waking, waved to his masked comrade awkwardly before dressing in the clothes he'd laid out the night before – they were the casual clothes that he normally wore off duty: the long sleeved, high-collared black shirt and matching pants. He grabbed his pre-packed bag and nodded readily to the Hyuuga woman who wore the mouse mask.
Sakura mumbled angrily to her fox-faced escort, telling him off as she showered and dressed in black, standard issue pants and her favorite yellow tee shirt. She quickly gathered her essentials in her bag and threw it over her shoulder as she emerged from the closet.
Team Seven and Team Nineteen convened together just outside the village gates.
"From here on out," The hawk masked man started, "You're undercover. You are being transported from confinement in the cells beneath Konoha to Kokoro no Basho. Is all understood?"
Kakashi rolled his eyes; Sai simply took up his false smile and Sakura nodded.
"Operation Kokoro no Basho, now commencing."
Sakura stared wide-eyed as the mouse-masked woman slapped cold chakra-restraining cuffs onto her wrists. Her fox-faced friend followed the same example as he cuffed Sai's hands. The fourth member of the team, one with a cat mask who had been waiting for them just outside Konoha's gates, put Kakashi's on.
Kakashi sighed, shifting his hands and wrists against the wide metal bracelets. Tsunade certainly was going all out to keep up appearances. Then again, they were supposed to be raving, homicidal lunatics – he could understand the precautions. He glanced to Sakura her stared down at her restraints with awe. Sai on the other hand seemed not to notice or care.
The heavy clank of chains falling from Genma's pack nearly made Sakura jump. She watched curiously as they attached the long, heavy chains to small loops on their shackles. Immediately the weight pulled her forward, she nearly toppled into her ink-using friend. Even Sai wobbled slightly when the chain was hooked to his cuffs.
Kakashi grunted as they attached the links to his loops. That was much heavier than he remembered; perhaps Tsunade had increased that too as a safeguard.
"I should like to paint this." Sai said ecstatically. "I should like to paint it red, like blood."
Well at least he was getting into character, Kakashi mused as the ANBU began pulling them along at a comfortable walking pace. He glanced to each member of their escort, noting they had no reaction to Sai's offhand 'art' comment.
"You should paint it with blood." Sakura cackled.
He supposed it was Unmei speaking now, and he wasn't really sure he wanted to speak with her, so he remained silent.
"Oh, good idea Unmei-chan."
Sakura nearly laughed at Sai's over-excited statement. "Of course it was." She glanced to Genma and smirked viciously. "You should paint it with that one's blood. Use the blood from his heart. I bet it's a real deep color. A real pretty red."
Sai nodded vigorously. "You think? I will paint with it for you, Unmei-chan."
Kakashi frowned. He had a feeling he wasn't going to like this mission. He already didn't like Sakura's new personality – it was rather vile and vicious. Of course he knew that when push came to shove, neither he nor Sai would be any more pleasant. It was a sobering and bitter fact that however long they were gone for, they would be these nasty people.
Did Sakura need to come out of the gates bloodthirsty, though?
That was the least of his problems. The blunt pain from last night was in his lower back again and the taxingly ridiculous weight of their chain was not making matters any better for him. Every few steps the dull ache would sharpen and he couldn't help the pained noises that whispered past his lips.
Sakura could hear Kakashi sigh to himself every couple of steps. He sounded dejected and uncomfortable. She couldn't say she felt any better, without any chakra be it medical or otherwise, each leg and foot got heavier and harder to move. Sai made no complaints in front of her, but she was certain he felt it too. It was surprising really how much she'd learned to rely on the natural flow of it through her body – the working civilian life must really, really suck. Not only that but this was going to be the longest trip of her life. What was usually a three-day journey was going to take at least a week at this pace.
Four hours later found Kakashi sweating in pain and the humidity, Sakura hissing brutal curses at their ANBU escorts and Sai rubbing red sores on the balls of his feet. It was a unanimous decision amongst the Team Seven colleagues to sit when Genma signaled that they could, as they were going to rest for a while.
The heavy silver chain thudded and clanked against the dusty path, raising puffs of earth. Kakashi watched as Genma and Hinata exchanged a few words before splitting up and disappearing into the forested area around them.
"Ouch." Sakura hissed under her breath as she slipped her tiny fingertips beneath the metal on her wrist. "These things are awful."
"You learn to ignore the chafing when you can't lift the chain anymore." Kakashi assured her with an eye-crinkling smile. "Then it's not just your wrists and hands that hurt, it's your whole damned arm."
Her eyes rolled. "I wish I didn't believe you."
Sai frowned and lifted his hand to his chin with thought. "If they're treating us like criminals, are they going to feed us like criminals? I'm not even sure what criminals eat."
Ebony and Emerald eyes found Kakashi's and they were wide with uncertainty. He merely shrugged. "Maybe the food will be decent if good ol' Genma is in a giving mood… I don't think he liked the whole painting with his heart's blood bit though. That was a bit deranged…" He pursed his lips. "We've eaten worse than simple rations issued for prisoners though, so I wouldn't worry too much."
Sakura muttered something to herself before leaning back against Sai, who sat watching two butterflies just off the road flutter and flit around each other in their own little world, dancing. He leaned forward and easily recreated the image in the dust with his index finger.
Kakashi watched as he added to the rather pretty picture with the figures of their escort. He captured their masks in as great a detail as he could with the sandy medium. Still, their likeness was uncanny. He greatly admired Sai's artistic talent – the most he could produce was a detailed stick figure, with awkward gawky clothes and hair. He supposed that what he lacked in artistic skills he made up for in shinobi ones.
From a physical standpoint, Kakashi could see why Sakura might return Sai's feelings. He was an attractive young man, very talented with so much potential. He was almost always genuine with her, a trait Sakura seemed to bring out in every one she met, just like Naruto, though to a much lesser extent. Sakura also liked helping people, and Sai was one of those people that needed help – she'd taught him so much. He had come far with his social skills and all because that pink haired nymph had offered to take him under her wing when he'd offered the same to her in ANBU.
He looked toward his ankle as Sakura's booted toes lightly bumped it. She blinked her eyes at him and smiled. "Try not to think so hard. Whatever it is that's on your mind, it's making you frown."
He had so many things on his mind. At the forefront of it was her possible relationship with Sai, while more toward the back was the possibility of everything that could go wrong on this mission. He wasn't usually a pessimist – he was more of a realist at heart – but he couldn't help the nagging feeling something was very wrong about this job. Just thinking about spending any allotted amount of time in Madhouse was unsettling. The hair on his arms literally stood.
He sighed and for a moment closed his eyes. "I'll keep that in mind… what did you wish for last night?"
She grinned, small dimples poking in her cheeks. "I can't tell you. My wish won't come true if I do."
"Right, right." He shifted to stretch and it sent an acute pain to pinch his lower back. He grunted with his voice full of pain, and could feel the eyes of his teammates fall to him once more, but he continued focusing on his ankle as he breathed deeply in an attempt to will away the tenderness spreading between and above his hips.
"Are you okay?" came Sakura's worried inquiry. She settled in front of him on her knees before taking his face in her hands and physically lifting his head and gaze to meet hers. "What's wrong?"
He couldn't tell her he was feeling… old. "My back." He mumbled, "I'll be fine."
"You don't look it." Sakura watched him with knitted pink brows. He looked like he was all but ready to pass out. If he wasn't feeling up-to-par why hadn't he said anything? He knew he could trust her and she could've fixed whatever it was that was ailing him before leaving Konoha. A part of her wanted to berate him, but the other half knew he wouldn't listen because he was too busy trying to rid himself of his aches before they reached Kokoro no Basho. Leave it to Kakashi to put off needed medical attention.
"Well I will be." He assured her. "I promise."
She nodded and he watched as she moved back to sit against Sai but all three of them stopped what they were doing when Genma's uniformed person flickered before them. They stared upward at his masked face in anticipation of his orders.
"We've scouted out a safe place to camp nearly ten kilometers east of here." He spoke; as though they were on they weren't undercover, with a friendly tone and a relaxed stance. "There's no way any of you will make it there lugging this beast around." Genma continued with a long, gloved finger pointing to the chain. "…I'm willing to break standard protocol for this sort of mission if you all promise to keep cover to the best of your abilities."
Kakashi sighed with relief, unnoticing of Sakura's glance toward him. She smiled with realization as Genma unchained Kakashi first. He'd seem Kakashi's little spell too, she concluded. The hawk mask nodded the slightest bit when he took her wrists in his hands, slipping the tiny key into the lock hole before dispelling the seal that accompanied it. She returned the small gesture with a head tilt of her own. She rubbed at her wrists with relief when the cuffs dropped away, clanging heavily against the still-connected chain.
As Genma moved onto Sai, Sakura stood and stretched her arms above her head by first pulling one over it and then the other. Her shoulders popped quietly and she let out a breath of contentment. Kakashi, on the other hand, still sat on the ground next to her legs breathing deeply. She stooped down once more and fitted her hand underneath his arm to hoist him up.
"Come on." She said, pulling his arm. "I can take a look at you when we get to camp."
"Sakura…"
"Don't even start with me, Kakashi-sensei. You're in pain. We can all see it. Letting me look at you will only hurt your pride a little." She held up the fingers of her other hand less than a few inches apart to show him just how little damage his pride would take. "Up you go."
He sighed and allowed her to help him to his feet, pain shooting up his spine. He inhaled deeply to still it, glancing to Sakura only to find her watching him extremely close. His skin tingled under her serious gaze but the feeling wasn't completely unwelcome.
As soon as Sai was released from his bindings, Genma sealed the hefty chain into a packing scroll and signaled for them to following him. They leapt up into the high branches of the deciduous, leafy trees above them and moved quickly.
Their calculated steps hit the boughs beneath them with soft pats.
Sakura watched Kakashi, who was just a step behind her, from the corner of her eye. He kept speed with them, but she could see the grimaces that formed his facial expressions each time his feet touched down on the wooden bark beneath him. She wanted to smack him upside the head for letting himself suffer but he was notorious for putting off medical attention until it was absolutely necessary, even then he still made a big deal about it. She could count on one hand the number of times he had willingly come to her, or wanted her, to heal an ailment of his.
Whatever his reason for not disclosing his pain, she would find it out later. For now, she focused ahead, watching as Genma led them ahead. The presence of the other two members on his team did not go unnoticed by the medic but they were bringing up the rear from far enough behind that they only passed her mind fleetingly.
A single ash-blue eye observed the pink-haired kunoichi. Kakashi, despite the feeling of a plethora senbon being inserted along his lower spine, couldn't help but shamelessly gaze at Sakura's shapely backside. He was just waiting for her to look back and catch him, or for Sai to look over and see that he couldn't keep his eye to himself.
The last thing he wanted was to make the pale artist feel anymore uncomfortable than he already did with the new emotions he was starting to experience. Jealousy, on top of everything else, was not going to help the mission move along smoothly. Sai was a decent actor but Kakashi feared what could happen if he was forced to deal with real-life passions while trying to fake his character's.
Kakashi knew, that despite his own affections for Sakura, that Sai deserved a chance to actually feel. The artist was young and love was new for him, Kakashi was aging and he had had his fair share of love over the years… But he wanted Sakura for himself. He actually felt a surge of jealousy when thinking of her with the awkward member of team seven. He tried to tell himself that he was more mature than that, but the burn in his chest told him otherwise…
Damn it, he thought. At this rate he concluded that he was going to hell in a hand basket, but he was certainly going to enjoying this part of the trip.
The rest of the trip to their camping spot went silently, but a intensifying tension was beginning to fall on top of their shoulders. Only footfalls from sandals and boots upon oak tree branches broke the intense void.
The sun ahead was starting to sink below the purple ice-capped mountains decorating the horizon line. With each passing minute, the sky became dark and dusty pink, with flares of orange and purple embellishing the low and puffy clouds. The shadows cast by the setting sun danced passed, darkening the underbrush beneath the canopy of leaves above them.
Sakura could feel Hinata's gentle flare of chakra as they neared the clearing in which they would camp. It was about time, too. The closer they got to Wind, the warmer the air got. Her shirt was sticking to her sweaty back and made her feel filthy.
Her cautious eyes fell back to Kakashi, and then swept to Genma and Sai. Beads of sweat were forming a glossy sheen on the brows of her teammates, and she was sure that if Genma dropped his mask, his brow too would be sweating. At least she wasn't the only one the heat was affecting.
The area was heavily wooded and smells of pine. The forest floor was covered with soft grasses and moss, and was silent beneath their feet as they hit the ground. It took Kakashi only moments to realize that it was rather comforting; their current surroundings would do well to protect them from the enemy. Small sedges and bushes closely hugged the trunks of girthy trees and the awning of green leaves above them was full with very few skylights to reveal them from above.
With a wheezy grunt, Kakashi gently lowered himself down into the moss. A hiss of discomfort passed his lips preceding a string of foul curses as Sakura and Genma appeared beside him. She was just not going to let this go…
The young medic crouched down on her haunches in front of him, tiny hand pressing its palm against his forehead to quickly check for a fever. "Will you lay down for me?"
Kakashi sighed, gave her a pointed look and stretched out along the ground before his eye narrowing suspiciously on Genma as he silently stood over them. Sakura's hands started to hum quietly with the radiant green glow of her medical chakra as she placed them against his abdomen. One on his left hip with the other on his right just below his ribs; her brow creased as her chakra invaded his system and she began examining him. He could feel the cool tickle of her chakra as she assessed him, poking and prodding until she reached his lower back.
"Aha." she chimed. "You've strained a few ligaments and bruised the muscles supporting your lower vertebrae." Her tongue peeked out from the corner of her mouth as she explored his injury further. "You've also suffered from some decalcification of your bones. Are you taking any multivitamins?"
"No." he answered flatly.
"Okay." Sakura nodded. "I can ease the tension in your back and can repair the bruising, that should help the pain immensely. You'll be a little tender but nothing too terrible."
He nodded and closed his eyes as the chill began weaving and crisscrossing beneath his skin, loosening the strain in his back. Kakashi sighed contently. That felt exponentially better – like years of stress had been lifted from him briefly.
"This won't pose as a permanent treatment but it should be enough as long as you don't do anything too strenuous, okay, Sensei?" She smiled warmly at him and gave him a joking pat on the head as the glow from her hands faded away. "You aren't as young as you used to be." Sakura teased as she pushed herself up to stand once more.
Kakashi rolled his eyes as Genma snorted behind his mask, warding off sniggers of amusement by turning away from the student and teacher to call out to the other ANBU members.
"Let's get started by setting up a perimeter. A quarter-mile diameter at most." It wasn't just seconds after that the three answering to Captain Shiranui were gone, performing their task without question.
Kakashi sat up and watched Genma as he pulled a tiny scroll from out from within one of his kunai pouches. Grasping it firmly in his right hand, the ANBU captain flicked his wrist sharply, snapping open the roll of paper. When open, Kakashi observed, the scroll was only but twelve inches long by six inches wide and bore a large red kanji for fire.
Genma dropped it to the ground and brought his first and middle fingers to his lips and activated the seal with a simple "Katsu." Immediately the paper sparked before a small crackling fire emerged from it. The blaze glowed warmly with each dance and flicker of the yellow-orange light.
Sai sat by the fire, sketchbook in hand. Kakashi felt the corners of his mouth tilt heavenward as the artist peeked at Sakura, who was unfurling her bedroll. His dark eyes would look back down at his moving hand and continue with his illustrations of her.
Perhaps, Kakashi mused idly, when they returned from Kokoro no Basho he could give the young man some pointers and help him muster up the confidence to finally ask her out. Regardless of his own romantic feelings for the medic, Kakashi just couldn't picture it ever working out between them, what with the age difference and his once being her teacher. This was a girl he'd known since before puberty, not some woman he'd met a few weeks ago.
He allowed his mind to wander on through the night. Only a few sparse words were shared during supper, which consisted of standard issue rations and a few handfuls of wild berries from nearby bushes. Sai and the two nameless ANBU members turned in for the night first while Sakura, Kakashi, Genma and Hinata sat silently around the small fire. The two women would occasionally share a bit of chitchat, gossiping about Ino Yamanaka's newest plaything or a set of sexy heels they'd seen but couldn't afford at the time. It was all mindless banter to take their minds off of the heaviness of the mission ahead.
Not long after that did they go to bed also.
"The next three days followed much the same routine. Moving freely, we were able to make up for time lost walking and arrived at Kokoro no Basho in just over seventy-two hours. Along the way, Sakura would ask on occasion if my back was feeling better, and for the most part it did. As we got closer, we didn't really exchange any words. The same thought crossed through every one's minds: 'what was it like' or 'how long was this going to take'? I still thought on the idea of Sai and Sakura having a relationship… but usually those valued thoughts were cut short when my back pain would flare up again." He paused. "In retrospect, I should have mentioned my pains to you, or at the very least, Sakura before leaving Konohagakure so that a more extensive treatment could have been performed."
"But you didn't…"
"But I didn't, and I don't regret that decision for even a moment. I hate to think what could have happened if someone…say, Genma… had accompanied them instead of me simply because back pain deemed me unfit for the job." He admitted, nose scrunching as a look of disgust crossed his masked face. She wasn't sure just where that harsh emotion was being placed or directed, but she certainly knew it was fierce enough to have her lean back in her chair to be further away from it.
However, it was good he was allowing these things to pass. Kakashi wasn't really a talker at heart, and she knew that telling her everything so intimately was taking a lot from and of him. He was literally laying his heart on the table before her; letting her into that walled mind of his – freeing the locked away thoughts he so rarely shared, even with himself. Tsunade's respect for him swelled like a balloon did when air was blown into it.
His small admittance of feelings for Sakura was surprising, but she wasn't completely caught off guard by it. A part of her had expected to hear it eventually. She'd watched it develop over time from some small spark just as he'd watched his former student develop over time from some small girl. So, if she really allowed herself to think on it, it was a long time coming. After all, he was a grown man and Sakura was now a mature woman.
She sighed and tipped her head back, eyes closed. The Hokage listened as Kakashi moved from his seat to pour himself another glass of water. The glass of the pitcher clinked lightly against his cup followed by the soft whispering sounding of water moving from one container to the other. Silence fell over them for a moment before the same bubbling whisper found her ears again and she cracked a single eye to see why.
Kakashi stood at her desk, carefully holding the jug above her own glass, filling it just short of the rim. He settled the pitcher up her desk once more and picked up his glass and returned to his seat, all without saying a word. She watched as he lowered the mask from his nose, drinking deeply the cold water before leaning forward to rest his forearms upon his thighs.
"Are you angry with our decision, Tsunade?" he finally asked, now visible lips shaping themselves around the question.
She righted herself and gazed at him with a knit between her brows. "No. I really do understand, Kakashi. I was faced with the same choice long ago and I never thought I would return to this place… but I did." he watched her with half-lidded eyes. "I can only hope that you and she both are able to find just what it is you're looking for, be it peace of mind or just some fresh air. So, no, I am not angry. I'm saddened by it, but I will not stand in your way when I too know that sometimes an escape from everything is what helps the most."
"Thank you." He spoke softly.
An easy silence passed over them after that, marked only by the clock and their gentle breathing. A part of both of them wished that Sakura were with them as they did this, but Kakashi didn't want to upset the young medic any further and as Sakura's mentor and a woman who cared greatly for her, Tsunade agreed that this way was for the best.
And perhaps, it was best for Kakashi too to get all of this off of his chest, off his shoulders.
He gazed at her wistfully, "…I still don't know what she wished for."
A warm laugh simmered from her pink lips, shaking her shoulders and chest with tremors of laughter. He smiled, but it didn't quite reach his eyes and she sobered quickly. "What is it?"
Tsunade watched as something akin to guilt lit that mismatched gaze of his. "I know it's ridiculous to ask, and even more absurd for me to actually consider it, but do you think… do you think I really…"
"No. Absolutely not." The Hokage avowed sternly. "It was sheer coincidence."
He nodded then sipped from his glass again. "Mm."
"Shiranui-san and I will be having a discussion." She mused as she waited for him to continue his accounts.
Kakashi frowned. "Don't punish him. Sakura and I probably wouldn't be here if he hadn't broken protocol. Please."
"I won't be punishing him because I do understand that what he did for you may have been the weight tipping the life and death scale in your favor, but he will be receiving a slap on the wrist for not informing me of his actions prior to your departure from Konoha." She leaned forward, resting her chin in her hand. "I would have given him the money for the hotel room so he didn't have to pay out of pocket for it."
He leaned back in the chair, firmly resting his arms on the rests of his chair. "Thank you, again…" She bowed her head in response.
He breathed out heavily, resigned to go forward with her request.
~)) … ((~
A/N: This story, and its future plot, is much darker than I originally intended. As I wrote it, things became more twisted and the metaphorical lines began blurring and this heap of rather sadistic fanfiction was born. This is most definitely not what I had planned and I only hope I can do it's obscurity proper justice. I'm still learning.
I have also altered the way certain things happened in canon for plot-device's sake.