I'm sitting on the sofa in the book room. Parker is lying with me, her head on my lap. I'm trying to read but honestly I am distracted by the woman near me. I gently brush the hair off of her forehead. She looks like she's sleeping but I know better. "I love you Parker" I whisper. She smiles her sweet little smile. I sigh and close my eyes.
"Alex?" "mmm" is my only answer. "Alex? Why do people do drugs?" I open my eyes. "What?" "Like Nicky" she says. "Why did Nicky do drugs?" I shrug. I can tell she's not going to leave this alone until she gets some sort of answer. Parker's life experience, its different than most. She doesn't understand why people do the things they do. And she's insatiably curious.
"I don't know for sure Parker. There's lots of reasons why people do drugs." "Like what?" "Well, loneliness, loss, drugs make you feel good, like you don't have any problems at all." "But it's not real right?" "No" I say quietly. "It's not real. When the drugs wear off, everything is worse." "So you keep doing it?" "Yeah I guess."
"What about Nicky?" she asks. "I suppose for Nicky it's because she didn't feel like she had anyone who cared about her. You're going to have to ask her though." "She won't tell me." I sigh again. "Parker, this thing between you and Nicky, you're going to have to fix this." She doesn't say anything. I shake my head. "Parker…" She's silent for a few minutes.
"Alex?" "Yeah Parker?" "Why did you do drugs?" I'm shocked. I never told Parker that I'd ever done drugs. Of course she knows I smuggled heroin but I never told her about my problem with it. "How? Why do you think I did drugs?" She opens her eyes and looks at me. "I can see it in your eyes. You're sad." "I'm not sad Parker. I'm happy. I have you." She smiles. "But you were sad. Is that why you did drugs?"
I close my eyes and try to think of an answer that will make sense. "I guess I was sad. My mom had just died. I broke up with my girlfriend." "You loved her?" "Yeah. I thought I did anyway. I thought I was going to die when she left." Parker finds my hand and squeezes it. "There was so much pain. And so much heroin. I just wanted to not feel anything." "Did it work?" "Yeah it did. Heroin, it makes you feel amazing. Nothing hurts. All of your problems go away. It's the best feeling in the world." "But it's not real?" "No. It's not real. When you come down, it's awful. All of the pain is still there. Plus the drugs. It becomes more about not feeling sick, you need more and more, just to feel good. Just to feel normal. It's a horrible cycle and it's almost impossible to get out of. Dying. It starts to feel like that's the only way out. You start to wish for it."
Parker doesn't say anything. I don't want to keep talking but I feel like I have to. I've never told anyone the story. I feel like I need to tell her though. "I did something bad Parker. When I was doing drugs. I messed up. Kubra, he found out. He killed my friend." I squeeze my eyes closed but I can still see it, the visions are burned into my brain. "He didn't kill you though?" Parker asks. I shake my head. "No. I guess he saw some value in me still." Parker reaches up and touches a tear sitting on my cheek. "You have lots of value Alex. To me. And to Nicky." "I don't know Parker. All the things I've done. I've hurt so many people." She touches my hair. "Not any more Alex. You helped me. And Nicky. And you can help lots more people if you want to." I look down at her and smile. "Thank you Parker." She smiles back.
"What happened Alex? Did you stop doing drugs because you thought Kubra was going to hurt you?" "Sorta. I guess I realized I didn't want to die." "I'm glad you didn't." "Me too Parker. Kubra, he sent me to rehab. I dried out. I learned that I would be OK." "Does it still hurt?" "What do you mean?" I ask her. "Your mom. Your girlfriend. Does it still hurt?" I close my eyes again. "Yeah it still hurts. I miss my mom every day. There is so much I want to tell her. I want her to meet you. I know she would love you. I wish…" Parker smiles and touches my hair again. "If she was anything like you I know I would love her too." "Thank you Parker."
We sit quietly for a few minutes. "Alex?" "Yeah?" "Do you think, I mean it's not really drugs, but do you think it's the same? Do you think it's bad?" "What Parker?" "When I run away. When I go out and hang upside down. Do you think it's the same thing?" I think about that for a minute. I'm not sure what I want to tell her. "Yeah I think it is. It makes you feel better. It makes your problems seem better, easier to deal with. But, Parker, what you do, it's not hurting anyone. You might feel like you're escaping but you're really not. You're dealing with your feelings in a way that works for you, not making them go away. I think it's good for you. I think you have something called ADD. I think that the danger and the adrenaline you get from being upside down, I think it calms your brain so you can think the right way. People who take drugs, they want to destroy themselves. You want to be better."
Parker thinks about that for a minute. "I want to be better because of you." I lean down and kiss her gently. "Me too Parker. I want to be better because of you too."