A/N: For all of you who are familiar with "Surviving the Sues", this is a Valentines Day Special (Yes, late), and it includes some of the reviewers of our story.
'We' are my cowriter and I.
FANFIC AUTHORS
Eruravenne (cowriter) : Aelin.
storiewriter: Kalyn.
warrior4: Eric
LittlePhsycoWolf: Arawolf Beechclaw
Kelaiah: Kelaiah
And believe me, I own neither Redwall, the author-characters (except the Suethor), or the 'Otherworld path' theory. The latter-est is owned by Eruravenne.
Go on, read! Thanks!
Laura Matthews put the finishing touches on her Word Document, and leaned back, admiring her piece of art.
Valentines day… what a most wonderful holiday! Her character, Malarina Lahl-Oruna Lightningeye was a very beautiful mousemaid, kind to all but with a deadly warrior spirit. Her family was all killed by the horrid villain stoat, Zarazu Kibu Darkeblayde, and now she was on a quest for revenge.
Now, she had introduced in this one chapter, the fifty-fourth, Malarina's true Love: A poor mouse in awe of her beautiful singing voice and skill with her eight-foot-long blade with precious stones in the hilt. His name was Jamesone Erelino Starbrighte, and his family too was killed by Darkeblayde. Such wonderful names she had thought of!
Valentines day was truly a wonderful one.
She saved the document, and uploaded the story, all fifty-four chapters, of "Lighting Striking", smiling smugly at the reviews she would get.
Her creations were truly wonderful.
As were her improvements on the English Language: the older-fashioned ways of saying things looked and sounded so much more exotic than the boring ones used in this time. Redwall was about to be stunned by the wonderful author they knew as MaralinaLightningeye'sRevenge.
Quite a wonderful name.
But then again, she was a wonderful Author. She thought so, and so did her mother. Truly, she was probably better than most of these wanna-be-authors. SHE was better than ninety-eight percent of them, she was sure!
She got into bed at seeing the clock reading 3:42 AM, and turned off the lights. Her computer glowed once, and without her knowing, all her Sues were on the loose. As well as any other Sues released by unknowing Suethors writing on Valentines Day.
The girl groaned, and rubbed her temples, staring at the calendar. On a Thursday, there was a huge, bold red circle around the number '14'. Valentines Day.
Heavy traffic for Suethors on that day. How she dreaded having to read them. See what Sues were being unleashed in Mossflower, and if they were bad enough to go into that world. Finally, she turned to the computer, and logged in.
A little while later, she had navigated her way to the Redwall Fanfiction, and looked at the titles. Big difference from yesterday; more Suethor's must've gone on.
One caught her eye. "Lightning Striking". It didn't seem too bad, but from the summary, there was definite Sue.
She clicked on it, waited for the computer page to load, and began to read.
Within minutes, she was gagging.
"Oh, Lord…" she breathed when she had the chance. "Please, please don't tell me that this Sue is on the loose. Please."
Storiewriter knew better, though. She copied the link, and sent a message to all anti-Sue authors:
This is bad. Sue's almost unstoppable, by the descriptions and old-English spelling. I think this is a good excuse to go into the Redwall Universe; they'll never be able to stop her. Or any of the three, if you get to chapter fifty-four. I skipped ahead: there's got to be some reason for the update on this day. Please, I really am going to need help.
You know where to go.
storiewriter.
She clicked send, and focused on the word document she had uploaded just a few seconds ago. She gently shimmered, and the look of concentration was replaced by a blank stare and a big, goofy grin.
The squirrel fell from about three feet into the air above the ground and onto the forest floor with a great whump!, and groaned. She shook the disintegrating burrs from her tail, and waited, clutching a bow and arrows. Her knife, for this world only, was in her belt.
An otter fell from the sky suddenly, following the squirrel's path of descent. A deep pond materialized in the forest floor just in time for a truly spectacular belly-flop; the otter came out of the water gasping. Being perfectly at home in the element, however, she soon recovered and slid quickly across the pond and onto land.
The water soaked back into the earth, leaving the forest floor virtually unchanged.
"What are you doing here Kalyn? I got a little worried when I saw that grin on your face and you weren't responding to anything I said…I hope you aren't planning on altering anything in Redwall?" Aelin tapped a footpaw impatiently, looking around at the scrubby bushes and thin trees.
"Aelin, did you even see the stories new authors have put up?"
"What?"
"The stories. They're jam packed with Sues. One of them is really horrible, killing the modern English language and just…ugh!" the squirrel shivered. "Three Sues are on the loose from that one story! Mossflower'll never survive this. Christmas wasn't so bad, but Valentines day…It's THE day for Suethors to update."
Aelin wasn't used to the fanfiction world, so it was a given she hadn't read any of the nasty drivel. Kalyn was, though, for the most part. She knew a little about what sort of mess they were in from experience.
Suddenly, a ferret fell, a pine martin close behind. Kalyn turned to them with a grin. "Hey, Kelly."
The ferret dusted his tunic off and glared at the squirrel. "I've already told you, it's Kelaiah, Kel, or Your Majesty."
"Hello, Ara."
The pine martin nodded. "Anything we have to get rid of the Sues?" She grinned very alarmingly. Aelin shifted away just a little bit. Those teeth looked far too sharp for comfort.
"Not much. I'm going to wait and see if any of the other reviewers of Surviving the Sues are here. Besides, I don't have much of a plan. Ask Aelin. She's better at this."
Aelin held up one forepaw. "Hold on one moment, please. I want to see what we're dealing with first. Kalyn, a screen please?"
The squirrel concentrated for a moment, then reached the nearest, thickest tree, and peeled away a layer of bark. There, a glowing blue-white monitor was nestled as snug and comfortable as though it had grown there. Aelin slid over to it and tapped a link on the screen, titled "Lightning Striking," and began to skim through the reading.
She stopped before finishing one paragraph of the first chapter.
"Ah, right. Well, the author…uhm…could be better. Dictionary outlining the basics of Old English would make a great Christmas present, I'll leave it at that."
Just as she finished, a brown mouse fell into the pond that had reappeared, causing a huge splash to head towards the computer screen. At once, it disappeared from sight as Kalyn whipped her head around.
The mouse climbed out, choking on water. "Warrior4 here – you can call me Eric." His tunic was soaked, and he looked down on it in disapproval. Immediately, it dried. The Otherworld paths were very strange indeed. The knives in the belt across his chest were still wet, but he didn't seem to notice.
"Thank you, Eric." Kalyn nodded, trying to suppress the smirk that was quickly spreading across her face. Ara's own weapons had mysteriously disappeared and had materialized in Kalyn's own belt, due to her new-found knowledge of Ara's obsession with sharp, pointy things. Unfortunately, a sudden vanishing of extra weight is a little hard not to notice, and the pine martin was looking very suspiciously at those around her.
"Pleased to meet you." Aelin tried very hard not to look at the squirrel next to her. "Once we're sure no one else is arriving, we can discuss ideas for getting these Sues out of Mossflower."
Kalyn frowned. "I don't think that any more are coming. Ladyofthebookworms hasn't replied, and Tetzel said he didn't have an Alter-ego."
"Okay, then. Gather around the white board, please." As Aelin spoke, a large dry-erase board and several colored markers materialized nearby. She selected a deep blue color and drew a squiggly line across one section of the board, adding round bubbles to either side of it. At one end she drew a blue and green sphere, at the other, a blobby green scribble. "Here's Earth, and Mossflower wood. The blue squiggle is an Otherpath between the two worlds, and these bubbles are pockets made by various imaginings. We are right about…here." She drew a large red 'X' over one pocket, just a little closer to Mossflower than Earth.
"Kalyn? If you would explain the Sues to us? I didn't read enough to get a grasp of it, and I don't know if any of the others read it…"
Kelaiah shook his head. "I think I'd remember something called Lightning Striking." Eric agreed, and Ara at that moment noticed her knives and other blades on Kalyn.
After a brief scuffle resulting in Ara regaining her weapons and Kalyn nursing several stinging scratches, the briefing resumed.
"Alright. First off, Major Sue is Malarina Lahl-Oruna Lightningeye. The Villian Sue is Zarazu Kibu Darkeblayde. Lightingeye's 'true love', Jameson Erelino Starbrighte is less powerful than Lightningeye's, but is still a pretty powerful Sue."
"I'm surprised you remembered all of that." Eric said, eyebrows raised.
Kalyn childishly stuck out her tongue at the mouse. "I'm recovering from being a Suethor myself. That, and my Muse made special note of those names, especially since we have to track these Sues down. And many more, though these are the most powerful. The link seemed to have a glittery blue instead of the regular ones we usually see." Under her breath, she added, "I hate Valentines Day.
"In all, Maralina is getting revenge on Darkeblayde, and Starbrighte is helping her. Our job is to interfere and stop them. And Aelin," she cut off the otter, "I know we shouldn't be, but Redwall will disintegrate if we don't stop this one." She gestured at the write-n-wipe board, and the Redwall pocket was looking slightly fainter than before. "In fact, the Sue's already there. If we don't act soon, I don't think Redwall will recover."
Ara raised a paw. "Can we kill the Sues?"
Kalyn shrugged. "Maybe. Maybe not. Aelin?"
The otter shook her head doubtfully. "I'm not too clear on that one. In this instance, I'd suggest luring them into a special pocket in the Otherpaths and sealing it from outside. That'll at least keep them out of Redwall permanently. If we kill them, they might just come back as normal. Once again, I'm not entirely sure. Treat it with a little doubt and caution."
Ara looked a little put out. "Could we physically harm them before putting them into the pockets?"
"Eh. Sure." Kalyn shrugged. "Not to the point of killing, though. Kelly, what d'you think?"
Kelaiah gave her a glare. "Ara, I don't think we should kill them. When alive, perhaps they have a spiritual form that is trapped in there. When the body is killed, the spiritual form can escape and go wherever it wants, and get into a new form. Just an idea."
"But a good one," Aelin replied. "We'll assume that's true, just to make sure. Okay, gear up, suit up, whatever you need to do, we're going to Redwall!"
In actuality, it took much longer to leave than it should have to get going. Kalyn and Eric waited the longest, as both were ready the moment they arrived. Kelaiah had lingered a while longer over a rack of weapons that had mysteriously appeared before selecting two light grappling hooks, an extra coil of rope, a dagger, and a small knife for emergencies. Aelin spent time deciding whether or not to take long-range weaponry (she decided against it. With her aim, she was as likely to hit one of the other authors as a Sue) before selecting two short swords.
Arawolf Beechclaw, on the other paw…
Once she found out that she could make anything she wanted appear, she had been cackling maniacally, and the other Anti-Suethors were huddled together, feeling safer in numbers. In time, however, they worked up the courage to gently convince Ara that the guillotine was entirely unnecessary, and difficult to bring along besides. And though Eric and Kelaiah tried to prevent it, Ara still looked like a metal porcupine around the waist, back and chest when she finished.
Kalyn reached out, grasped a leafy branch, and pulled it out of the way. Behind it, instead of more forest, there was a deep blue-black void with lighter blues winding through it like streams. Far-off lights sparkled in varied colors, and streaks of motion could occasionally be seen flashing along the streams to or from the lights.
"Won't take a second," Aelin said. "Now, just to be clear, when we get there, Kalyn and Kelaiah are in charge for the most part, being most experienced--"
"What am I, fried liver?" Ara snapped.
"No. Just a little too…er…unpredictable. You're second-in-command. Then Eric. I'll follow at the back, as I'm not really as tried-and-tested in this."
"Then why's Kalyn in the front?"
"She's the only one of us who's read the stupid story!"
"Come on, we're wasting time," Kalyn broke in. "Let's just go. We'll work out what's going on as it happens."
"That's going to end well," Kelaiah muttered to himself.
"We'll be fine," Eric replied. "Things will work."
One by one, the five jumped into the nearest Otherpath with thoughts of Redwall. One by one, they appeared in the forest faster than they could blink.
"Redwall's going to be where the Sues'll be, so we'll go there." Kelaiah began to walk in the direction of the Abbey.
"Ummm…Kel?"
He turned around. "What is it, Kalyn?"
"Don't you seem to be forgetting that Sues will be wandering in the forest? We'd better track them down first and then head to Redwall to find the remainder."
"We aren't taking out all of them, only those three. Salamandastron can take the rest down."
Kalyn flicked her tail. "Righty-O, then. Let's go." Without another word, she scrambled up a tree and began jumping from one to the next.
"Show off." Aelin muttered.
They arrived at Redwall Abbey approximately three hours later. The sight of the walls, which had taken on a glittery neon pink color that reminded one of mushy Valentines Day cards and hearts, nauseated Arawolf so badly she nearly keeled right over in a dead faint. Eric was the least affected of the group, so he got sent ahead to scout out the area while the others rested from various Sue-induced dizzy spells.
The mouse returned quickly, covering his mouth with one paw, and looking slightly green. "They're all acting giggly and mushy, too much for even me to bear."
"Did you see a (and I really do hate having to say this) beautiful, golden-furred mousemaid, with soft brown eyes, and a light, shimmering sky-blue tunic belted with a pure gold belt with a buckle laden with tiny, precious gems?" Kalyn took in a deep breath after saying that much Sue-description.
Eric answered immediately. "You think I'd forget a sight like that? Yes, actually, I did. And there was this brown-furred mouse with blue eyes and a silver tunic belted with…I don't want to get into the details, sorry."
The squirrel continued. "Any sign of a pure-black stoat with the exception of an unnatural shade of red fur (in the shape of a six-pointed star) on his left shoulder in the shadows, stalking the mice aforementioned?"
"I wasn't looking in shadows, really. Hard enough to keep my eyes out and memorize all the Sues in the light."
Aelin shook her head as though she was coming out of water. "I think that's good enough, though. If the villain is generally stalking these beasts, he'll be there. How many Suebeasts do you suppose were there, though, out on the lawn?"
"Twenty, give or take," Eric replied. His color had come back, so he looked mostly normal. "There are probably more, as I couldn't see around the Abbey or behind every bush and tree there. And I've not got any idea how many are inside."
"We only need to get to those three before they do too much…but we can't really fight off every Sue in Redwall," Kalyn mused.
"I suggest a diversion, in that case," Kelaiah replied. "But first, tell me, do we have a fail-safe, quick escape route?"
"Yep. The Otherpaths. You can re-enter them at any time, from any place. Just focus on returning. Go to the same pocket we were in earlier. You'll remember it," Aelin replied.
Kalyn seized a twig from the ground and cleared a patch of dust. "Right. Redwall here," she drew a rectangle, "and we're around here. Arawolf, think you could manage the diversion? And…Eric, you too. If there are two beasts hopping around taunting the Sues, it might possibly confuse them for a while. Kelaiah, Aelin and I will sneak in during the chaos, and we'll…how will we get them out of there?"
Aelin thought for a moment, then answered. "Each of us grabs one, and we all go directly to the Otherpath pocket. The Sues will be dragged along, even if we only have them by the tunic or the tail."
"Right, then," Kalyn replied with a very wide smile. "I get the male mouse, Aelin gets the female, and Kelly gets the villain-stoat."
"DON'T CALL ME KELLY! I AM ABOUT TO RESORT TO VIOLENCE!"
"How come I get the Sue?"
"Because I'm in charge. Sorry Kell—er, Kelaiah."
"If we're done planning?" Ara asked wryly. "I'd like to finish up here and get out. All the (shudder) romance in the air is making me sick."
"You say that like it's a bad word," Eric complained. "I know that these things sort of take things over the top, but still…"
Kalyn stood up and dusted her fur off. "That's about it. Arawolf, Eric, keep an eye on how things are going below. Once you see us grab our targets, pop out to the Otherpaths. If we miss our targets and things are going badly, pop out anyhow. We'll come along if we don't get the Sues within a short period of time."
"Now, go!" Kelaiah barked. Being called 'Kelly' had gotten on his nerves. Eric snapped a joking salute and charged off with Ara. Aelin, Kelaiah, and Kalyn snuck off in a slightly different direction, waiting for their cue.
Suddenly a loud, very familiar voice rose over the walls.
"Look at all of you, lyin' about! You miserable saps, there's a Dibbun outside in the clutches of some of the worst vermin ever and you're sitting here, giggling away! Call yourselves 'goodbeasts'! You're really just heartless, cruel curs that are worse than any villain I've ever met!"
"Misbegotten mangy mucky spawn of a Marlfox! Lilly-livered loony lumps of lazy lard! You yucky yodelin' yaks!"
Kelaiah raised an eyebrow. "'Yucky yodeling yaks'? Eric is really struggling there, isn't he?" He unhooked one grappling hook and length of rope and, with a practiced toss, threw it up to the ramparts. It clanged against the stones and stuck. He pulled experimentally on it a couple of times, then held it out to Aelin and Kalyn with an exaggerated bow. "Ladies first."
"Don't need it, thanks," Kalyn replied. She demonstrated exactly why she didn't need it then by zipping up the wall like it was a tree. Aelin accepted the rope with a little doubt and proceeded to try to climb up. Finally Kelaiah climbed up first, Aelin looped the rope around herself in a makeshift sling, and Kelaiah and Kalyn hauled her up.
"I'm sorry about that," she panted at the top. "I'm really not a climber. Let's get down off this wall, please."
The yard was sheer pandemonium. Half of the Sues seemed to be fighting to get to the gates, moaning and wailing something about a poor Dibbun. Another group were swooning against the Abbey in fear, and yet another was trying to formulate their own alliterated insults in reply to Eric's. On the opposite walltop, Kelaiah, Aelin, and Kalyn could just barely make out the shape of Arawolf, who was flapping her forepaws and pointing at the gate; oddly enough, she occasionally flapped a forepaw in a strange manner, and something small and straight would leave that paw at speed, hurtling below into the crowd. The three had a suspicion that the pine martin would be curiously devoid of knives by the time they returned to the Otherpath.
Eric, on the other paw, was skipping around like a March Hare, hooting and shouting increasingly desperate insults to the Sues below.
"I see them," Kalyn suddenly shouted. Aelin and Kelaiah winced and grabbed their ears; she had been right next to them. "Over there, by that Apple tree…the one that's in bloom and with ripe fruit on it all at once…right there!"
Sure enough, the stoat had cornered the two mice below that tree. It seemed the chaos was as good a time as any to make some sort of last stand. As the three Authors raced over, the stoat loomed over the little mice, who were bravely standing their ground and speaking with melodramatic tones and manners. Before the heroics could go much further, though, three sets of paws descended on them, and a loud voice screeched in their tender ears, "ARA, ERIC, WE GOT THEM! GO!"
And then, in a flash, eight beasts vanished from Redwall.
Ten minutes, six separate fist-fights, two knife wounds (both to the stoat, who had proved himself far more trouble than expected, from Arawolf, who was still a little over-excited), and one sealed Otherworld pocket later, the five Authors were relaxing in another pocket and congratulating themselves on a job well done.
"But it's getting late now," Eric said from his seat at the bottom of a tall tree. "I probably need to be going. Thanks for inviting me. Thoroughly terrifying, but I think I sort of enjoyed it anyhow."
"No problem," Kalyn said from above, waving her tail lazily. "We'll make sure to call you next time we have a problem like this."
Eric smiled, waved, and left in a blink.
Aelin paddled across the small pond and hauled herself up onto a rock. "He's right. It's probably time to go. It was pretty interesting though. I loved it when you gave that Stu a black eye, Kelaiah."
"He asked for it. I really shouldn't have gotten angry, though. I suppose I'll have to work on that."
"Yeah," Kalyn agreed. She hopped down out of the tree and held out a paw. "See you later, Kelly."
"DON'T CALL ME KELLY!" The ferret howled, then snapped. Kalyn was bowled over by a lightning bolt of brown fur, and then there was nothing to be seen but fists, feet, and fur.
Suddenly, Kelaiah was yanked back; Aelin had a hold of his leash. He grumbled at her. "Why d'you have to do that?"
"No fighting. Just go home, okay? I'll talk to Kalyn about the 'Kelly/Kelaiah' issue."
Grumbling, he snatched the leash away and vanished.
"I trust you can get home on your own, Ara?"
She cackled from her dark corner.
"Right. Okay. Bye."
Kalyn and Aelin vanished into the Otherpaths next, leaving Ara alone to nurse her villain complex for a while longer before she, too, returned to Earth.