Edward Cullen Discovers Fanfiction:

[A/N] The fanfiction titles and author screen-names are false and were created on the spot. I checked to make sure they don't actually exist but if I accidentally took your name or title please forgive me! Thanks, now read on… ]

Nothing could tear my eyes from the screen.

Bit by Cupid (again) by myheartwillhowlon [Leah falls for Edward in a whirlwind romance set during the revolutionary war as Bella dies of…]

Fussy Fangs by twihard4evs1993 [Edward as a toddler creates more chaos then the Volturi can handle until their servant Esme steps in…]

Before He Cheats…at Checkers by dieedwarddie88 [My frens and me plying checkers wit Eddy and Jacobs on our team, haha so iz he gonna lose or not? Find out!RNR PLZ LOL!]

After a day of obsessive scrolling, the problem only grew worse. Sound fell around me like droplets of distraction and somebody in the house called my name from below. I ignored them and dragged the bar on the side of the page, reading line after line of text on the new website I'd discovered two days prior…

There was no explanation for it. It just… It just didn't make any sense and I blinked occasionally, willing reality to change in an instant but the computer was resolute in telling me lies. Page upon page of stories about my life were being "uploaded" daily and it never seemed to end. After hours of analyzing the stories, the authors' profiles, the ip location of the website and who ran it, I finally realized that these people read about me and mine in a book… A book published in 2005 written by a Ms. Meyer who apparently was the chief authority on my daily events.

When I first found it I knew I was nearing insanity. I was about to call Bella and implore her to stay indoors until a solution was found but something stopped me. What if I was going crazy? Maybe after years of living as a vampire without human blood I was experiencing side-effects… Perhaps being a vegetarian vampire was the equivalent of a human living with limited oxygen supply; ultimately a human's brain would expire and go through a process of combined hallucination and madness.

So I stayed quiet and did not alarm my family. They might play along and worry about me when I left the room. A lunatic wouldn't know he's mentally deranged and those who loved him wouldn't say it out loud. No, I wouldn't put my family through the stress of committing a vampire to a life of isolation and desperation.

But the problem persisted.

These stories took everything that I held dear, all that I considered precious in my life, and contorted into a sick madlib of events; literally nothing seemed to be the limit for these writers. I was both amazed and disgusted by some of the work I read… Some of it was too brutal to even think about let alone write but these people did it anyway. One story had me perform unthinkable acts on my worst enemies; another story made my beautiful Bella a lesbian and she was involved with… oh, the horror!

Edward, Teenaged Wolf by theactualBella123 [What if it was reversed? Edward is the werewolf and Jacob is the blood-sucker… And Bella is actually a boy? R/R PLZ!]

Bella plus Eight! bobaqueenCullen [ Yet another pregnant Bella story… Edward is working double shifts at the restaurant and still doesn't have enough money so they move to the poorer side of town…]

Scent of a Song by rejectedbookmark777 [Edward breathed in the heavy scent, intoxicated and dizzy with lust, "Oh Jasper, what would Carlisle say if he saw us?" ]

If I ripped my eyes out of my head I think the pain would be less than reading any further. I was torn between running downstairs to tell my family and just throwing the computer through the window in an effort to destroy every fanfiction ever written. They knew exactly where my family lived, what we did, who we talked to and even intimate details of our personalities! This was unprecedented and just wrong… So many things wrong with the situation and there was absolutely nothing I could do about it.

"This can't be happening. No, this sort of thing doesn't happen in real life!" I said aloud, grabbing the monitor as more and more stories were added by the second. Irrationality grabbed hold of me and I tried to will it all to stop. It didn't work. Without a doubt this was the strangest thing I'd ever encountered and incomprehension was my only reaction.

I sat in front of the computer again, watching new stories fight for the top position under the "Twilight" category of fanfiction. The people that watched me were dedicated to their craft and dreamt up new situations for everybody I knew practically every minute of the day. It was a compulsive need for them to read and review every word published on that evil corner of the internet; and I suddenly felt like an animal being poked by juniors in a high school anatomy class, my eyes and innards tossed around by young and foolish minds for mere entertainment. Nothing was sacred in these writers' collective eyes; my life was a playground for their darkest fantasies and whims.

My cellphone vibrated on the desk.

"Bella," I said, speaking into the phone with hesitation. "There's something I need to tell you and it might sound a bit… weird, but I swear I'm seeing it with my own eyes and I can't believe it. There's just… There's just no words to describe it so you'll have to look at it. But I need you to promise me something- it's important."

"Okay, but is everyone alright? Should I be worried?" She asked, tension filled her voice and I knew she was already starting to think of the worst possible situations. I refused to alarm her but if she visited the website I would not be able to shield her from the surreal evidence of omnipotent forces.

"Everything is fine. I need you to visit this website called and go to the Twilight category under books. Then… then tell me what you see. Once you do, please be honest and tell me if I'm going insane." I said, saying each word slowly without raising my voice or expressing too much excitement. If I was worried she would worry and the last thing I needed was fix another person's nerves.

"I'll do it right now." She said and I heard her mouse clicking rapidly.

I waited, listening for a reaction. A gasp and I heard the phone drop. She picked it up and checked to see if I was still on the line. "It's impossible!" she said. The mouse was still clicking in the background. "This just isn't possible!"

"I've been telling myself the same thing. Okay, so at least I now know you see it too. I'm going to inform my family and then get more information on this Meyer person. She wrote a book about us and published the thing for the world to see." I said, typing in the name Stephanie Meyer into a search engine. I saw her image and clicked on an article about how she came about to write the book- apparently she'd dreamt about my time with Bella in the meadow. I thought she might be a psychic with a penchant for writing young adult fiction.

"I'm coming over!" She said, and I heard the roar of Bella's old truck through the receiver. She hung up the phone.

Multiples times I desperately thought perhaps I'd finally fallen asleep- but that was impossible too! But this must be a dream because this sort of thing did not happen in real life, but there was the evidence right in front of me.

Everybody I knew was mentioned, situations that nobody were supposed to know about were being commented upon and manipulated on this site like taffy in a twisted chef's kitchen. Details about life around me were divulged without a second thought to form parodies and poems, long dramas and something called "one-shots."

Before I told my family I wanted to know more about the people on the site. The only way I could communicate with them was by registering for the website. Easy enough judging by the process and I was asked to create a username and password.

Fight fire with fire would be the only appropriate response here. I tried to make an account, filling in all the details when I had to choose a username. This was important. I wanted these people to know that I was aware of their activities and was not going to passively wait and watch them ruin all that I knew, so I would choose my display name carefully.

I typed in "TheRealEdwardCullen". It was taken. So I typed "EdwardCullen" and that too was taken by some teenaged girl child. And so it continued that every other name I created was already taken, until the variations on my name were covered in almost all ways possible: "ImEdwardCullen" and "believemeIamEdwardCullen" and "edwardcullenisme" and so I discovered that my name was no longer mine alone.

EAMC was not taken so I decided to list my initials to create an account. I would sign up and question these writers, make them confess until I knew all the details: Where were the cameras and how long has Meyer been watching us? What was their purpose and what amount of money was necessary to make them stop posting up more ridiculous fiction about our personal lives? How did Meyer know Bella's thoughts (perhaps she too is a vampire) and was there any way to arrange a meeting between her clan and ours?

So many questions.

When Bella arrived my family was standing around the conference table. My laptop was open, humming quietly, open to where the front page kept shifting stories downward. Carlisle stood in front of it, half his face covered by his closed fist, his brows stressed as he watched the screen. Esme was speed-reading through all the descriptions, making audible gasps at some of the absurd ideas written about her family members and friends. Alice was on her own laptop, laughing at a parody about Rosalie (who was fuming in the corner over a less-than-flattering description about her temper). Jasper and Emmett were trying to figure out where Meyer lived and how best to approach her main coven Little, Brown and Company (the company part worried Jasper- should there be a fight he didn't want to be outnumbered).

Finally, Carlisle addressed the family. A cold tension hung in the air because the bizarre situation seemed to have no beginning and no clear end. We all felt robbed of our privacy and whatever replacement we were given for humanity. Most of all, we dreaded the loss of our safety. The humans knew all about us and the knowledge was still spreading. It wasn't clear why we had not been seized by the state or… or medical researchers.

"This is beyond our control." He said, closing the laptop. "Our family's delicate position in town has been compromised. We might have to consider moving out of the country, perhaps to an abandoned island. Somewhere we can hunt easily and hide for more than a couple decades." He said, looking into each of our eyes, the same expression he used to tell a patient a lump might be cancerous.

"Again. That's always the answer, isn't it?" Rosalie shoved the conference table, making the laptop shake the parody it displayed. "Why don't we just change our names and move to Alaska for a while, let everyone here die and then come back?" Nothing like Carlisle's, her eyes were wide with the same hurt of an offended rebel and none of us blamed her outrage.

"That doesn't solve our main problem. They are watching us- all the time. Perhaps now. Maybe it's not even a "they" because Meyer is the only who wrote an accurate portrayal of our past year." He looked around at our incredulous faces. "Oh, I read an excerpt online. It was interesting to read Bella's thoughts. By the way, there's a version that's from Edward's point of view…" He smiled at me. "It was nice reading your mind for a change, Brother."

"Shove off." I said, glaring at him. Knowing Jasper had seen my thoughts was just…awkward. No wonder they all hated it so much. I would have to buy every copy of that book and burn it and throw the ashes in an ocean.

"Guys..?" Alice said, lifting her head up to peer over the screen. "This may or may not be worse… But did you know Stephanie Meyer wrote more books about us? I think she's like me- maybe she can see into the future too. Edward and Bella barely came back from the prom last night and that's where the first book apparently ends…"

Silence.