A/N: I am not sure where this story is actually going, but hopefully it's going somewhere. If you find any mistakes please leave a review and tell me. Also leave a review if you thing I am doing a great/terrible job portraying the characters, since this is my first real CM fic. Also leave a review if you want me to write faster! For each review I'll write...something on this story. Hope you enjoy!
Title for chapter comes from Thomas Rings song of same name; Break the Silence.
Day 9
In America a woman is raped every 2 minutes. One out of every 10 rape victims is male. 75 % of male students and 55 % of female students involved in date rape – Stop.
84 % of the women who are raped – Stop.
57 % of the rapes – Stop!
He tries to distract himself with pictures of their newest case. A blond girl with dead glassy eyes stares up at him, and he finds him actually smiling. She was shot and the shooter never as much as touched her. Meaning no rape.
Over one-third of all women in America will be sexually assaulted or abused in their lifetime…
At least she won't have to experience that. But then again maybe it has already happened to her, after all an estimated 4-5 out of every 10 of all American children (under 16) are sexually molested.
God, he really needs to stop doing that.
Day 5
It's on the 5th day that he decides he won't tell anyone. Not because he can't, not because he's afraid of their reaction, not because he's humiliated. He simply… doesn't want to. He knows he can do it by himself, he doesn't believes it, he knows it. It'll be alright.
Morgan did it, so why not him? Besides the primary motives for rape are aggression, dominance and anger. He knows this, so if he just keeps calm the unSub won't win.
It'll be alright.
Day 2
"Hotch, it's Reid."
"Where are you? We got a case in Phoenix yesterday. We couldn't get a hold of you."
"I – I know, I was sick."
"Why didn't you call in?"
"I wanted to – I was really sick, slept through most of the day. Did you know that bacteria–"
"No I didn't. Garcia will be able to fill you in on the case and then you can go to the airport –"
"Actually, if it's alright with you, I would like to take a week of vacation, I'm still feeling a bit unwell and-"
"You don't have to take vacation just because you're sick Reid,"
"No, I know, but I would like to visit my mother. It's been awhile, and I know this isn't the best time, we got a case, but I-"
"It's never the best time Reid, and we always got a case. Just take that vacation and visit your mother. We'll be able to do handle this one case without you."
"Are you sure it's alright?"
"You earned it Reid. It'll be good for you, yes I'm sure."
"-I'll get the case files from Garcia, and then I'll be able to help over the phone –"
"Reid, take your vacation. I won't answer any call to my phone for the next week, and I'll forbid Garcia from giving you any information on the case."
"But-"
"No buts Reid. I'll see you in a week."
Day 9
"Nevaeh Moore, Kelly Cox, Cassandra White– Mariah Davis is the newest and fourth victim." J.J. pointed to each of the girls and their innocent faces popped up, next to their bloody bodies.
"Why so much blood? The file says they were only shot once each." Rossi looked up from his file with a raised eyebrow. The rest of the team looked up as well, including Reid who had to tear his eyes away from the girl who apparently was Mariah Davis.
J.J. was solemn as she answered. "He knew how – and where - to hit his targets." It was always a bit harder when it was kids. "So somebody with knowledge of anatomy." Morgan said. He looked solemn too.
Reid remembered Carl Buford, and found that he never wanted to understand Morgan so well.
Day 4
Reid hadn't really meant to actually travel to Las Vegas. It had only been a quick excuse, but he knew Garcia would be a bit more than a little suspicious if she discovered he hadn't bought a ticket. He wasn't sure if she would actually check as long as he kept on his act, but it was better to be safe than sorry.
Besides, Las Vegas or _… It didn't really matter for him. Nothing really seemed to do anymore, but he tried not to think about it too much.
He shifted in his seat, trying to get more comfortable, and maybe a bit of sleep, but it was to no use. Every time he closed his eyes unpleasant pictures formed their way into his thoughts, so he finally gave up and opened his eyes to stare out of the window. There was nothing to see really, only empty air.
Day 1
He is shaking, and crying and he can feel the lump in his throat. For the first time in a long time, he can't get his eyes away from the Dilaudid. He never got rid of it. He really wants it.
He is shaking, and crying, and, and… Suicide is most common on Mondays.
Day 3
"Hello my sugar muffin! No, you aren't getting the file." Just as he thought, Hotchner's threat wasn't empty, but that wasn't a problem. He was a genius after all. That hadn't changed.
"I – That wasn't –" He hoped it was convincing enough, but logically it should be. Garcia was the only one of them who wasn't a profiler – well except J.J., but she was close enough – and besides, Hotch had believed him. Why wouldn't they? This wasn't like Tobias. They hadn't watched him getting tortured; they weren't on their toes for the signs of something being wrong.
Even then, they hadn't really done that much other than watched and slipped small comments. This time probably wouldn't be any different. Logically they wouldn't notice.
But then again they were the best.
"Honey, you're like an open book. You can hide nothing from your big bad mamma." An open book… She defiantly hadn't noticed. Logic always won.
"I just want something to read Garcia! I promise, I won't call Hotch and I won't intervene in the case in any way." He whined and pouted as well as he could. It wasn't that hard to fake it. He was used to being himself.
"Afraid I can't do that Spency. I've got strict orders from the evil overlord." He could already hear the softness creeping into her voice, it wouldn't be long. God, how he hated to trick Garcia.
"Spency? And please Garcia!"
"It fits don't you think? And I'm sorry but it's a no-go."
"Another case then! I didn't get to read anything at all Monday, and I haven't got the time to make a trip to the library, I need to pack. Please Penelope."
"Oh-ow, a certain doctor is fighting dirty," Dirty indeed. "And Hotch didn't really say anything about other case files, so I suppose… But why don't you just buy books at the airport?" A qualified question, but an easy one to duck as well.
"But I never buy books." An innocent little sentence, which sounded almost like a question and which wasn't completely true.
"You never buy books? I find that a little bit hard to believe Mr. Doctor Genius."
"I nearly only read all books once, so what's the point? And besides, if I had to buy every book I ever read, and we assume that the average price for a book is-"
"Yeah, yeah I got it. You're not only a coffee addict but a book addict as well. Which cases are you interested in?" He had reached his goal. Now he just had to make sure he was in character, which was completely ridiculously since he was himself. But it was necessary.
After all, he wasn't really sure if he was himself anymore. Hell, he wasn't. The Doctor Spencer Reid from before would never have lied and manipulated Garcia as he had done it. The Doctor Spencer Reid from before wouldn't think so much like an unSub. Because that was what he felt like he was doing.
"Madness is a lot like gravity. All it need is a little push." By Joker in the movie the Dark Knight, directed by Christopher Nolan, screenplay by Jonathan and Christopher Nolan, story by David S. Goyer and-
"Hello? Anyone there? Did you get lost in your own mind?" He could practically hear Garcia's teasing smile through the phone. He managed to force a little laugh, which actually didn't feel so forced after all. Maybe he hadn't completely lost himself after all.
"Oh – I'm so sorry – so sorry - I didn't mean it like that!" Garcia suddenly shrieked.
"I'm sorry but I don't – why are you saying sorry?"
"With your mother, and - and your mind – I swear I didn't mean it like that!" So that was what she was freaking out about. He hadn't even realized… Probably because he had other things on his mind.
"I know Garcia, I know. I didn't even realize it, so no worries." He couldn't help but smile to himself.
"Oh… Good! Back to that reading of yours, which case files do you wanna read?"
"Oh I don't know…" A straight forward lie. Of course he knew what he wanted.
"What about boys...?" Slowly and unsure. She couldn't get any hint of what this was really about.
"What kind of boys? Unfortunately there is a lot."
"Just… All under 18 years old."
"Boy Wonder, do you know how many that is? I know you got your ultra fast reading thing, but we're talking big numbers here. Very big."
"Just the worst cases then. Rape, torture, stuff like that." He could hear Garcia shuddering through the phone. She was not the only one. He could feel the goose bumps with the thought of… that.
"You're hitting for a real horror of reading. You got the popcorns ready right? And the flash light."
"Popcorn and flashlight?" Sometimes he didn't really get Garcia. Sometimes he didn't get the team for that sake too.
"Yeah, like when you watch horror movie you know?" He didn't. He knew what a horror movie was, but why popcorns? And why did people watch those movies anyway, that was something he'd never get. Watching people getting killed for fun…
"Never mind," Garcia said when he didn't answer "I'll send those files to you then."
"How? I don't have what I believe is called 'an email address'." Garcia gasped through the phone.
"Not an email? You don't have that? How can you not? You must!"
"Maybe you can help me make one when I get home," He said, not because he wanted one, but because he didn't feel like hearing Garcia talk about how he still lived back in "Grandpa time". There were more important things on hand. "But for now, I'll just come and get the files. And Garcia?"
"Hmm, I still can't believe you don't have an email. And I still can't believe I didn't know! Which kind of friend am I when I don't know such things about you?"
He ignored her outburst. He couldn't take it right now. When I don't know such things about you… People were allowed to have their secrets. Even from friends.
"Make sure you get the cases where the victims survived as well. Some of them could have connections to –"
"I'm stopping you right now, boy genius. I can feel a lecture is on its way. Don't worry; I'll get all of your files, including living victims. But there is still a lot of cases Spency, we're talking –"
"I am a fast reader. I'll see you at the BAU. Bye."
He almost missed her "Goodbye to you too, my Einstein" as he laid the phone down.
Day 13
"There's been another victim." J.J. says as soon as she enters the room. Rossi nods, while Garcia tries to stop the tears once again rising up in her eyes. "We know," and at the same time they say two different names.
"Olivia Wood" Rossi says, as J.J. says "Jennifer Reid"
They all look at each other with wide eyes. Garcia can no longer hold back her tears.
Day 8
"Hey, look who's here! It's pretty boy!" Reid had tried to sneak his way into the office – of course he knew it was a pointless mission, but it didn't stop him from trying. He hadn't seen any of his team mates since before it happened. It felt… awkward. Weird and unsafe – one wrong move, and his secret could be discovered. They were profilers after all.
"Hey" He said to Morgan and smiled a tired smile. He had decided not to fake too much. It would only leave him on deep water. Morgan came over to ruffle his hair, Prentiss walking right behind him.
"You look like a hanged and drowned cat" He said, smiling wide. Good. They didn't suspect anything too serious. "Thanks" He answered sarcastically, but keeping the smile once his face, even widening it a bit as he places his shoulder bag next to his desk.
"Really, what have you been up to? You can't just disappear on us like that Reid! We haven't heard from you in a whole week!" Morgan exclaimed, and dramatically Prentiss continued: "For all we know you could have been dead!"
"But I – I swear I didn't disappear, I talked to Hotch - he said it was okay. Didn't he tell you?"
Reid realized it had just been for fun, when they both began laughing their buts off. "We know pretty boy, we know" Morgan said in between his laughs, while Prentiss panted: "Can't – believe… - you freaked – like, like - …that!"
At least it got their mind of his look – as Morgan had said it "You look like a hanged and drowned cat". Well, for now anyway. He had no hope that it would last.
Day 1
He will only do it this one time. Just one last time, to ease the pain. To escape reality – He has the right to do it. Besides, one time won't hurt.
He has been clean for so long… But it'll only be one time, and he won't have to tell anyone. It'll just be quick, and it'll be like it never happened. No one needs to discover, it's only his business anyways. Just like one glass of wine won't hurt anyone, actually a glass of red wine and a bit of dark chocolate each night has shown to have a healthy effect. As long as it's no more than that.
No, no, no. No. He shouldn't do it. No, he really shouldn't.
He just really, really wants to.
He'll be both a hooker and a junkie. He tries to push the thought away.
Day 5
He did not know why he was here. Of all places, here. But he was, and he was standing on the doorstep, having just pushed the doorbell. Already regretting it, wanting to be anywhere but here. It had been a stupid idea.
Really stupid.
He was just about to step away from the door, run away, when it opened and he became trapped. Trapped by moral and a really bad, an injudicious decision.
"Spencer?" His father, William Reid, asked with a big question mark planted on his face. "What are you doing here?" Reid wished he was completely sure himself.
Day 4
He checks in late at night. The hotel is cheap and not especially clean, but he doesn't care. He doesn't feel clean himself, so he doesn't want to have to look at some expensive furniture or all the other clean nice people. It's a stupid reason, he knows, and logically he knows that rape is never the victims fault – but it's just like the drugs. You can say so much about things, know so much about things, but it's always different when it is yourself. When it's not just words in a book.
The man who gives him the keys ogles him. It is completely innocent, but Reid freaks and run to his room. He locks the door, and slides down in, sitting with his head in his hands.
The next morning he switches hotel.