It was a sunny day in the Hidden Leaf Village. The sun was so bright and sunny. Naruto smiled as he looked up into its glaring rays.
"Wow, it sure is sunny!" he exclaimed.
"Only a loser like you wouldn't wear sunglasses on a day like this." A smug voice behind him remarked.
Naruto whirled around. His brow furrowed. "Sasuke." he spat out. "What are you doing here?"
"It's the Hidden Leaf Village, dummy. I live here."
Naruto blushed. Wait, why was he blushing? Must be from anger!
"Well…. Get out of here! This is my spot!"
"The middle of the village?"
Naruto blushed again. Of course this wasn't "his spot". Why was Sasuke making him so flustered that he said false information?
"I… I mean…" Naruto stuttered.
Sasuke strutted his stuff over to the blonde. He had the grace of a thousand graceful people, and just in casually walking.
"Loser," he said. "Why are you so red?"
Naruto backed up. "Uh, must be a sunburn. Hehe!"
"Don't be stupid. You've been out here for five minutes." Sasuke paused. "Are you...blushing?"
"NO!" Naruto screamed. His scream was so high pitched and bloodcurdling that a couple houses down the street collapsed in on themselves. Neither man seemed to notice.
Sasuke stepped closer to Naruto, and the other shinobi flinched, but held his ground. It was a sunny day alright, but it felt like it just got ten times hotter. Sasuke brought his hand up, hesitantly, and slowly, to cup Naruto's whiskered face. Naruto's face was hot lava red now.
"Every little thing I do," Sasuke began to whisper. "Never seems enough for you…"
"I...I just don't wanna lose it again." Naruto shakily responded.
"But I'm not like them." Sasuke smiled and stroked Naruto's whiskers. Naruto melted into his touch. Their eyes never broke contact.
Finally, after some hours, Sasuke pulled back. Naruto, disappointed, whimpered in response. He had a million questions on his lips, but Sasuke silenced him with one statement.
"Baby, when you finally get to love somebody…" He ripped off his sunglasses. "It's gonna be me." He ran off.
However, as Sasuke ran off, Naruto noticed another presence. He growled angrily and threw a shuriken into the bushes.
"Up here," a menacing voice drawled.
Naruto's eyes swept the ground up the tree seductively, as if he were watching a sexy hip dance. He ground his teeth as he saw who it was.
"So it's you again…" Naruto yelled, raising his fists in defense at the man in the tree.
"Unwanted here, it seems…" Gaara sighed, hiding his eyebrow-less face with a small baby-sized hand. "Not like I should expect any different…"
"Gaara… don't worry. I want you here… We're all just a little jumpy after seeing your immense power," Naruto said, looking down at the three foot figure in front of him. He bent down to rest a hand on Gaara's tiny Down Syndrome shoulder.
"I promise."
But Gaara pulled away from Naruto hesitantly.
"Listen, Naruto. You just don't get it do you..? My inner demon… is as real as yours." Gaara peered at Naruto from underneath his thick eyeliner. "I grew up alone… I don't understand… 'love'."
Gaara's face began to shrivel up like a prune. Naruto panicked. He didn't want to be seen making a child with Down Syndrome cry.
"Gaara… listen. I can show you love… really."
"It's too late for that," Gaara screamed at Naruto, propelling little droplets of spit onto Naruto's face like a spray fan.
"I have a friend that I want you to meet… let me go get him."
Naruto stood in anticipation. He wanted to run… but he found himself frozen. His entire upper body was completely paralyzed, but his feet started to move of their own accord.
"Huh..? What is this..?" Naruto thought to himself. He had no control over his body..!
"Meet my friend…" Gaara whispered in his troubled voice.
Naruto couldn't stop his feet from moving. He began to dance slowly, then quicker and quicker.
"M-my feet! I have no control!" Naruto was panicking at this point.
Gaara wheeled someone out of the bushes. It was a gay-looking man in a wheelchair. His Fu Manchu shone in the harsh sunlight. His cross earrings hung gently.
The Leaf Village went silent.
Naruto couldn't stop dancing. His boogieing was endless. It was torture, worse than Itachi's Tsukuyomi. It was pure hell.
"I'm never gonna dance again," a beautiful yet incredibly homosexual voice began to sing gently.
"S-Sasuke?! Is that you?!" Naruto screamed. His feet were moving wildly. He was in a Dance Trance.
"Guilty feet have got no rhythm," the voice continued, piercing Naruto's soul.
Unfortunately for Quadriplegic Ninja George Michael, Naruto Uzumaki had a pure soul. His feet still had their rhythm. He couldn't believe it…
Quadriplegic Ninja George Michael growled angrily.
"You're going to have to take it from here, Gaara… he just won't break. I'm not strong enough…"
Gaara took five whole days wheeling Quadriplegic Ninja George Michael back to the Sand Village before coming back to finish Naruto off. He was still dancing and had only just begun to slow down as Gaara returned.
"Please, Gaara… make it stop… this is true torture…" Naruto panted and gasped. His feet were bloody and his ninja shoes had been worn down into nothing. It was like he had been doing Neji's rotation for five days endlessly, only worse.
"I have something new for you, Naruto." Gaara said, smirking evilly. He pulled the cork out of the gourd on his back before throwing it at Naruto's feet like a shuriken, effectively stopping his neverending Ninja dance.
He made a few hand signs before speaking quietly in his raspy voice.
"Ninja Art: Party Master Jutsu!"
A stage suddenly appeared as well as a chair for Naruto to sit in; he would be the only one attending this concert.
"Here's where I finish you," Gaara laughed demonically.
A sand microphone appeared in his hand before the music started to play.
"No…" Naruto screamed. "NO!" This was a fate worse than death. He recognized the song immediately. It was a Ninja Classic. Oogie Fever…
"Oh!" Gaara said gayly as he shrugged his shoulders and prepared for the grand finale.
The music began to play and Gaara knew that it was all over. Naruto would be finished.
He began to moonwalk confidently before spinning around and shaking a finger at Naruto. It was his signature move, sure to get Naruto. He sexily slapped his own ass before beginning his irresistible song.
"Oogie oogie ooh, I love to eat shrimp. Oogie oogie ooh, I love to eat shrimp. Oogie oogie ooh, I love to eat shrimp. Oogie oogie ooh, I love to eat shrimp. Oogie oogie ooh, I love to eat shrimp. Hey, I am a big shrimp eater."
Gaara finished his song on a high note, expecting to have blown Naruto away. But he was shocked at what he saw.
Naruto had gotten out of his seat and had summoned hundreds of thousands of shadow clones.
Gaara's sand stage slowly sunk back down into the ground and the microphone slid out of his fingers and turned into sand on the ground. It was over.
All of Naruto's shadow clones pounced on Oogie Fever Gaara and beat the shit out of him. Naruto was ruthless. He kept beating long after Gaara's sand armor wore off. Even as he autonomously began transforming into his demon Shukaku form, Naruto pummeled his sand raccoon body back into itself.
His rage was only halted by a soft melody he heard, faintly but close. It was….funky. He'd heard enough funky music now to last him his whole life, but he still felt drawn to this sick beat. His shadow clones poofed away and he let go of Gaara. At this point, Gaara was near dead. It's like this funky melody was his… savior. He cried a single tear and it began to rain blood.
"His soul was as pure as the blood," Naruto remarked, wiping away a tear of his own. His attention was quickly redrawn to the song. He found his feet moving of their own volition, though it was not like Quadriplegic Ninja George Michael's dancing curse. It was more… freeing.
The sound drew closer and closer, and he could almost make out words. "What IS this hard shit?" he thought to himself.
Then he saw him.
A 13 year old shinobi from the sound village. In front of his face a whole stack of orange cards…. they seemed to be dancing.
Naruto almost dies at seeing how nerdy this kid is, but he just pukes instead. When he's done he looks up at the child and pukes again. Finally, after getting past the gag reflex, he can hold a steady stare with him.
"Who….." Naruto starts.
"I see you were drawn, to my Ninja Info Cards." the boy responds.
"What?" Naruto asks.
"They may not look like much...My Ninja Info Cards." It was almost like a rap. Naruto realized he must have been talking about the cards in front of his face.
"What the heck are those?" he asks, sounding strangely like Sakura.
"Oh, Naruto, it's hard to explain." The kid pulls all the cards into one large stack in one swift movement, The stack is about three feet tall, but he's got large hands. He pulls a random one from the middle and hands it to Naruto.
"How did you know my name?..." Naruto questions, but trails off...as he reads the card aloud.
"Kabuto, 13, Sex Fashion Master. I'm tryna hang if you're anorexic, have aids, and love little boys like me. Hehe! hmu!"
Naruto looked up quickly. Kabuto was blushing profusely. He was blushing so much he was sweating through his clothes. He was wearing a white dress which was now see through because of the sweat… and Naruto's pants got tighter. Wait, what?
"U-Um...Sorry.. Kabuto, was it? I, uh… I'm not what you're after. I'm not anorexic, aids-ridden, or into little boys.."
It's true Naruto was not anorexic or aids-ridden, but if there's one thing he loved most, it was little boys. Naruto worried Kabuto would realize this and be too irresistible… he was in love with Sasuke, and couldn't stand the thought of giving himself to anyone but him.
"Did someone say anorexic, aids, and.. little boys?"
A loud slurping sound was heard from the bushes. Naruto jumped.