Summary: Begins after Alex is shot in "Loss", but not before she is known to be alive, summary sucks but hang in there with me, this is my first fic that I have ever put on the site. A/O

Rating: MA

Disclaimer: I don't own any of the characters in this story that you don't recognize

"Fuck me," the brunette growls quietly to herself as she sits at the ever so familiar O'Malley's. She forgets how many glasses of Jack and Coke the bartender, Jim, has slid over to her, it's not like she cares, she forgets how long she has been sitting on that same barstool, it seems like mere minutes that she has rinsed the blood off her hands, but in reality it has been days.

"Everything ok Olivia?" Jim drawls out. He's not even sure she has even heard him, her face registers no emotion, but minutes later words emerge from her.

"Sure, I only let my best friend; my uhh…world get shot, because I couldn't do my damn job. Nothing better than that right?" she slurs slowly back to him, sarcasm clearly evident in her voice. Her deep brown eyes swimming with unshed tears crawl up from her glass to Jim's concerned blue and chuckles uninterested and looks away. "Don't worry about it Jim, I'm ok." No sooner did she get her words out her phone rings, she groans and reaches for it. "Benson"

"Liv, it's me…where are you?" Cragen booms from the other end of the phone.

"I'm…heading to the grocery store. Why?" she lies smoothly, trying to clear the haze of the alcohol from her voice.

"I need you to come down here"

"Can't it wait? I can come first thing in the morning?"

"No. Get your ass here" he says

"Ugh…give me 15." She hisses into the phone and slams it back to the bar. She slams the remaining contents of her glass, throws some bills down and walks out to hail a cab.

Walking into the precinct seeing everyone's long faces as they stare at the days paper she sighs out "Why the hell am I here? I could've done this where I was."

"Where were you Olivia?" Elliot asks her as he notices her red glazed over eyes and slightly slurred words.

"Fuck you El." She snaps at him.

"BENSON" she hears Cragen bellow from his office. She sighs once again and walks into the office, closing the door behind her.

"Yea?" she asks, eyes trained to the floor.

"You doin' alright?"

"Yes. Now what do you want?" She snaps then frown instantly regretting her tone. "I'm sorry Cap it's just…" she trails off.

"Its fine, I understand, I'm just worried about you" He pauses and searches her face for her to say something, nothing, so he continues after clearing his throat. "Agent Hammond called several times looking for you"

"Good for him. Why?"

"He needs to see you."

"Why? To tell me how wonderful I can do my job?" sarcasm dripping angrily off her words with a frown, she reaches for the yellow paper Don hands to her.

"Would you like me to go with you? Maybe Elliot?"

"No, I can go. Thanks Cap." She says itching to get out the office, out from under Cragen's sympathetic stare.

"Olivia, I think you should make an appointment with Huang."

"No."

She hears him sigh. Then "Well take care of yourself, if not, then it will be an order."

"Yea" she says defeated, then walks toward the door. "We done?"

"Yea, goodnight Olivia"

"Thanks" she says quietly and briskly walks out his office, past her desk, then out the squad room doors without a word to anyone.

Stepping out of the cab, Olivia looked around suspiciously, instantly on the defense with her hand gripped on the butt of her gun. She slowly walked to the dimly lit area where she sees several SUVS and slowly releases her grip on her gun to be resting on her holster as she sees Agent Hammond step out of the passenger side from the truck.

"Relax Detective Benson; this was the only way to do this." Hammond says, immediately noticing her tenseness.

"This? Do what?" She asks impatiently, quickly becoming frustrated. "Tell me what the fu…" She goes silent as Agent Hammond opens the back door of the truck and reveals the backseat passenger.

"Alex" she whispers out as her knees become weak, she could feel herself trembling, but did nothing to hide it.

"Liv…breathe…" Alex says to her. She let go of the breath she wasn't even aware she was holding as tears pooled in her wide confused eyes. She reached slowly to the fragile blonde and stroked her cheek, making sure she was real.

"Oh my god" she says slowly as the tears began to run down her cheeks. "Witness protection?" she chokes out. Alex nodded. "How long?" Alex shrugged and looked away. Olivia felt her knees betray her as she sank to her knees in the gravel. "WHY Alex! I need you, I can protect you this time I promise, I'm so sorry, I love you." She cried out as Alex kneeled down to her level and took her in her arms.

"This is safer Liv, I love you too, you're my best friend, its better this way, and I will be back." Alex whispers into her hair as she fights back her own tears.

"We have to go." Agent Hammond calls out. Alex feel Liv hold her tighter at his words then reluctantly pulls back a little.

"Liv, I have to go" she says as she stands up, pulling the heartbroken brunette up with her. "I'm sorry. I will be back." Olivia takes Alex in her arms holding on desperately, sobbing as she feels Alex being pulled out of her arms and forced back into the truck.

"But I love you more than a best friend Alex…" she whispers out into the darkness as the lights on the truck light up and they begin to pull away.