A/N: As a fairly new fan of Madam Secretary, this is my response to Tamerlane/Face the Nation, which were exquisitely acted by Tèa Leoni (hello, she's amazing!) but also have been kind of haunting me ever since. Two weeks ago, this plot bunny came to me at like 5:45am when I woke suddenly, and instead of going back to sleep, I typed the beginning (1500 words) on my phone, outlined the rest and then passed out before work. My wrists were killing me haha but it's definitely worth it, although I probably have carpal tunnel now? This is my first MSec fic, so I hope you enjoy! Can't wait to hear what y'all think :)
Shout out to oneapotheosis for being a kickass beta! Your kind words meant so much, and thanks for taking the time to read this over xx
After a hectic few days at the office, Elizabeth walked in the door, finally home after three days of putting out international fires. She was both eager and dreading facing her family. She knows her family loves her and that feeling might just break her.
Wearily she stepped into the foyer to lock eyes on her husband, Henry, who looks exhausted as she feels, and folded herself into his safe embrace.
The noise of her children clattering in the hall, competing for the "first hug" is almost enough to make her flee, but she's much too tired, overwhelmed, numb for that.
She reluctantly peeled herself off of Henry to embrace Stevie, Noodle and her baby boy, Jason. Things would be alright now, as long as she had her family — right?
She was wrong. Iran had changed her irrevocably. As Elizabeth struggled to get her equilibrium back after the failed coup attempt, she faced a barrage of conflicting emotions and found it hard to be around her loud family, flinching every time Jason slammed his door or Ali tossed her backpack on the couch. Henry just watched her that first night and then day back, waiting for her to talk on her terms about something that was her Desert Storm. He understood.
Henry had a knot of stress and fear settle in his stomach from the time that Elizabeth first told him she was heading to Iran to stop a coup. That knot only dissipated slightly when Russell had called with the news that they had found his wife and she was coming home. When she walked in the door for the first time after Iran and wearily stumbled into his arms, Henry knew something was wrong. She felt brittle and so small, and he instantly knew her smiles and show of strength for the kids was a load of crap. He was determined to wait it out, to wait her out, and resolved to be there for her to help pick up the pieces.
Only a few days after the attack, it was time for the Face The Nation interview. Elizabeth had been jittery and fragile all day. Lying in bed next to her husband, both unable to sleep for the same reason, she finally broached the topic they had been dreading.
"Henry, I think we need to tell the kids. I don't want to...I don't want to talk about it. I can't talk about it. But the kids should hear about it from me. I don't want them to hear it with everyone else during my interview tomorrow. They need to understand why I'm so messed up. I'll give 'em the cliff notes version, and it'll be fine."
Henry agreed and wrapped his arms around her, feeling her flinch under him. She had never done that before the trip; The trip that had almost broken her, had almost broken him.
"Babe, this okay?"
Elizabeth stiffened, then tried to relax mentally and physically, knowing that it was just Henry. It was Henry, not Fred. And they were lying safe in their bed, not in Iran under a hail of bullets.
"Uh." She paused, gasping for breath. Henry moved to pull away and roll both of them on their side, but she needed to do this for them, and held on tight, immobilizing him.
"Babe, wait. Just...Fred." She swallowed heavily. "Fred died protecting me. His entire body was on top of me, shielding me, and I...I couldn't move. Couldn't breathe. Couldn't think."
Henry waited for her to continue, murmuring nonsense into her golden hair.
"I just wanted to get to Javani's son. He was in the room too. He was about Jason's age. And…I couldn't. I couldn't protect him. Not from seeing his father be murdered or from anything. I couldn't get up. Even in death, Fred wouldn't let me." She trailed off, unsure of his reaction.
She felt a warm wetness on the top of her head, and Henry silently shaking beside her. They shifted into a more comfortable position for both of them, and Henry tried to control his grief, rage and pain, mindful of her, always her.
"Lizzie. I...I know you couldn't get in touch after the attack, but I was so scared." He sounded like a little boy, vulnerable and alone. "I honestly thought you were dead and I didn't want to freak out the girls and I just. I can't do this life without you. Promise me. You promise me right now that we'll grow old together and watch our children grow up. You just..." He stopped to collect himself and breathe before forging on.
"Being a widower with three children to raise was never part of the equation, and I wanted to swoop in and rescue you so bad that it hurt. Still does. Nothing's right without you." He lapsed into silence and they just breathed together and cried together and were thankful together.
After a while, Henry spoke. "I think it's a good move to tell the kids. They're so strong. God, the girls were so strong. I was trying to keep it together for them but I just...when Russell called me with the news that you were alive, not strung up in a Tehran street somewhere, I just. I lost it. I don't think I've cried so much since I don't even know when. And the girls didn't even bat an eye. We've tried to shield Jason as best we can, but he knows the bare details of the coup, that it happened and that you were there. He knows something is wrong because you set him up with security at school. I think he can handle it."
Elizabeth breathed. "So. We tell the kids. Today?"
"Today."
That morning was difficult for both of them. They decided to ask the kids to stay home for the day. She would take a half-day, finish prepping for the Face the Nation interview tomorrow and be home at lunchtime. Then they would talk.
"McCord family meeting, guys! Your mom will be home in 5 minutes!"
Elizabeth stepped in the door after thanking security, and for the millionth time in days, felt anxious about coming home and facing her family. Daisy was exuberant about the climbing poll numbers, and all Elizabeth wanted to do was climb into bed and sleep for at least 24 hours.
Henry emerged from the kitchen with a dishtowel slung over his shoulder and kissed her gently, careful not to spook her.
"I made us some lunch, your favorite — chicken noodle soup and grilled cheese. Figured we could eat and then talk."
"You're the perfect man — that sounds excellent! Lead the way, cause I'm starving!" Elizabeth said.
She actually was. Forgetting to eat under stress at the office and at home, she was starving — and her sweet Henry was trying to distract her. She'd let him have this one.
Team McCord gathered in the living room and sprawled out on the plush couch and armchairs by the fireplace.
"Look I know it's been a rough couple of days and I'm glad to see that everyone's been pulling their weight, but there's something your father and I need to discuss," Elizabeth said, folding comfortably into his embrace and trying to keep the anxiety and nausea at bay.
Jason asked knowingly, "It's about your involvement in Iran, right?"
She stopped, not realizing her youngest would have been so direct, but she should have known. Taking a breath, she started again.
"Look it's been hard for all of us, and the press is having a field day, but I'm doing an interview tomorrow and I do not want you guys to be blindsided. I'm sure you've heard things, some of them true and some of them not true and I want to be able to clear everything up. Okay? Okay. So." She trailed off and her eyes glazed over, self consciously burrowing deeper into Henry's side
She paused. She needed to breathe. To prepare for what comes next. "I - " she was panicking.
"Babe, it's okay. You need to breathe. Breathe with me, okay? Take your time. I know it's scary and hard but we have all the time in the world."
The kids tactfully looked away as their father comforted their mom in a whispered conversation. Their parents were very private any time they fell apart like this and it was something not seen every day.
"Baby I...I don't know if I can do this. I don't know if I can tell them this. I mean, Jason's still a baby! He's my baby and I don't want to..."
To his credit and unbelievable faith in his partner of 25+ years, Henry never wavered.
"Lizzie bear, it'll be fine. Jason can handle it. He's probably going to hear about it anyway with your interview and he should hear it from you."
Their father never called Mom Lizzie bear, except when he was too emotional and needed to lighten the mood.
"Okay I...okay." Gathering her courage, she looked her children in the eye and broke out into a soft smile. Stevie, Allison and Jason were all snuggled in the couch, seeking comfort from each other and letting their parents take the lead.
Jason interjected before Elizabeth could begin her story. "Mom I'm not a baby. Well I'm your baby, always, but I'm almost 14. I can handle it. And I love you," He said, almost seeming offended that his mom was so worried about him.
Henry's heart overflowed with pride and joy at how well his kids were taking everything so far, and she hadn't even really told them anything yet. These kids of theirs were really something.
The talk with the kids went well, or as well as could be expected anyway. Elizabeth had resolved to tell them everything, and she did. They would hear it on the news anyway, and she wanted them to be prepared. With Henry's patient strength bolstering her, she began recounting the last week as well as throwing in a shortened version of the conspiracy.
"I prepared the best I could with the facts I had at the time to do everything in my power to do what was right during this trip. I knew there would be some risk, but I thought it would be worth it. Just in case it wasn't, your father and I did have a brief conversation about where I kept all of our computer passwords and what he should do if anything out of the ordinary happened." Elizabeth felt that being straightforward with the kids was the right thing to do, especially with uprooting their lives initially to take the Secretary of State job.
Jason spoke first. "Mom, wait. Dad's being all weird. Did you…did you know the coup was going to happen before you left or something?"
Stevie and Allison locked eyes. Their dad had told them why Mom had gone to Iran.
"Yeah, sweetie. Our intelligence knew it was going to happen and I went to Iran to meet with Minister Javani hoping to pass along our confidential information and prevent it from happening.
Undeterred, Jason pressed on. "But Mom, you went to Iran knowing that something bad might happen to you. Why would you do that? What about us?"
Feeling Henry tense up beside her, she turned to face him. He wouldn't meet her eyes and she could tell he was holding back tears, trying to be strong for her.
"Babe? Look at me," she said gently.
The kids faded into the background as she focused all of her love and energy onto her husband. She knew they could probably hear every word she was going to say to their father, but she didn't care.
Her stubborn, fiery Henry finally looked at her, and she was sitting down thankfully, but if she hadn't been sitting, the pain and despair and raw fury in his eyes would be enough to bring her to her knees.
"Henry," she said coaxingly. "I came back. I know you feel guilty for letting me walk out that door, for not holding me in your arms a little longer, but I did come back. And I am so sorry, baby, for what I put you through. When I got into the bunker with the Iranians, I couldn't get a call out to anyone. Their communications systems were down and I — I'm so sorry. I love you so much and I just want to fix everything. Tell me what I can do." She placed a hand on his cheek. "What can I do for you?"
Henry was on the verge of tears but staved them off to say what he had to say.
"I…I can't live without you. I can't even breathe without you. Those hours when I knew you were missing, I swear to God, He had to breathe for me. All I could think of was if you were hurt or dead or captured and how I was supposed to go on without you. What I was going to tell the kids, how I was going to raise our children without you, and I just…I lost it. You and me forever, babe, 'til death do us part."
Henry trailed off, trying to control his emotions, trying to be strong for his family.
Surprisingly, it was Allison who made the next move.
"Dad. All our lives you've told us that we should never be ashamed of expressing how we feel, that it's healthy and good and makes us better communicators. So I don't think you should hold back on Mom. Or any of us. We're Team McCord, always and forever, and we can take it."
Glancing around at his family, all shaken but determined to get through this valley of life together, Henry chuckled softly and turned to Elizabeth.
"Well, love, all things considered, I think we've been pretty okay parents."
Elizabeth smiled tearfully, although her blue eyes sparkled with amusement. "Just okay parents? What say you, offspring of mine? Are we just 'okay' parents? And before you finish that thought, let me remind you that as your mother, I brought you into this world and I can take you out."
The kids stared at each other for a split second and then burst into laughter. Henry kissed Elizabeth's forehead and wrapped his arms more snugly around her, pleased when she didn't seem to flinch this time.
"Alright, hello offspring, attention back on me please," Elizabeth said quite haughtily before cracking a smile.
Directing her gaze back to Jason, she nodded slightly. "To answer your question, bud — yeah, I did know the coup might be a possibility. Our intelligence had a date, but I thought the coup might have been pushed up, and I went anyway —"
"Mom, why?" Stevie angrily interrupted. "How could you? We need you too, you know. I know I might act like I don't, but I really need you, okay? So you can't leave us."
Elizabeth swallowed hard. She wanted nothing more than to wrap Stevie, and all of her babies, in her arms and tell them everything would be alright, but they were still trying to come to grips with the fact that their mother had knowingly put herself in harm's way, without them even knowing about it.
Closing her eyes briefly, Elizabeth tiredly rubbed a hand over her face.
"I did what I did first and foremost for our family. I feel that my responsibility as a parent is to leave the world a safer and better place for my children, and that means committing to peace talks and the nuclear agreement with Iran. I am so sorry for the stress and pain of the last few days, and I know it's going to all take time for us to heal as a family." She stopped for a moment, looking at her three beautiful children and feeling Henry's eyes on her, encouraging her to open up.
Coughing slightly, she relaxed her shoulders and shifted on the couch.
"I just wanted to let you guys know too that I'm going to be going to a therapist to help deal with a lot of what I've been dealing with, and that option is absolutely open to all of you. We can go as a family or individually if you want, but I think it's really important so we can come out on the other side of this stronger and together as a family. Anybody have any questions so far?" Elizabeth said understandingly.
The kids nodded and seemed like they wanted to hug their parents, but were holding back for some reason.
Henry noticed this and decided to throw their children a bone.
"Team McCord group hug!" he exclaimed as he threw himself on the couch with the kids, wanting to give Elizabeth an out if she was overwhelmed by the attention and noise.
He startled as he felt his wife's arms snake around his waist, and wrapped one of his arms around her. Team McCord snuggled on the couch for a bit, and then the pile of limbs was upended by Elizabeth, who shot up from the couch with a start.
"Babe?" Henry said worriedly, thinking his wife was dealing with something like a panic attack or flashbacks.
Elizabeth stood in front of the couch and surveyed her family with a wicked glint in her eyes.
"Wait a minute. It's Friday night and my entire family is home. No teenagers out with their little friends, no husband staying late to grade papers or something. You know what this calls for?" She squealed delightedly.
"Mom, no, don't say it!" Stevie jokingly argued with her mother.
"Team McCord, it is time to take your places for — drum roll please,
Jason — forrrr…FAMILY GAME NIGHT! Woooooooo and the crowd goes wildddd," Elizabeth said as she pretended to be a sports announcer.
"Stevie, you grab the scrabble board! Noodle and Jason, you go grab Pictionary and...Monopoly if you want? Oh, and beloved husband of mine, you're coming with me for a hot second." Elizabeth said triumphantly, satisfied that she was going to spend the whole night with her crazy family.
The kids headed into the kitchen to start the popcorn and grab the ever-present ice cream from the freezer, and then rushed upstairs to retrieve the board games.
Henry remained on the couch and stared at his wife, who seemed so pleased with herself for orchestrating a much-needed family game night. He held out his hand for her to take, and Elizabeth sunk into the couch next to him. They snuggled briefly, and one of her hands landed on his chest. She could feel his heart beating faster and smiled.
Henry looked down at his wife, who was pressed up against his chest.
"Hey, you," he said soothingly. "You're pretty amazing, you know that? I am in awe of you every day and I can't wait to spend another 25 years with you."
Elizabeth's eyes sparkled with amusement. "Henry," she said mock-sternly. "We are not going to have sex on this couch when our children are going to be back with the games any minute — they'd be scarred for life! But nice try," she teased.
Henry broke out in a smile. Two could play this game. "Why, Elizabeth Adams McCord," he drawled softly and smiled when he saw his wife's eyes dilate slightly. "If I didn't know any better, I'd think you were trying to proposition me!"
She laughed coquettishly. "Me? I would never do such a thing and I am absolutely hurt by the accusation," she teased back.
Before she could continue needling her husband, Henry had flipped her on top of him and his mouth met hers in a searing, toe-curling kiss.
"This okay?" He hated having to ask after all these years of knowing her inside and out, but he knew her experiences in Iran would have lasting effects.
"Of course, love. Now shut up and kiss me!" Elizabeth said forcefully.
She loved this man with all her heart, and he always took such good care of her. Even now, he had made sure she was okay with being on top and close like this. It would be a while before she could bear to be under Henry with no warning.
Shaking her head as if to clear her mind, she focused on the task at hand: kissing her insanely hot, kind, amazing husband.
Henry's hands crept under her shirt and they both stopped as he ran his hands over the stitches in her back. He was filled with an emotion he couldn't even put words to, and poured out all of his energy, fear, gratitude and love into their kiss.
They both were so lost in the moment that they didn't hear their kids return to the living room. Stevie quickly deposited the board games on the coffee table and then signaled a hasty retreat to her siblings.
"Come on nerds, let's go eat all of Mom's ice cream!" Stevie said mischievously.
"Ew no! I mean, Mom only likes coffee flavored ice cream, and it's so gross!" Jason complained.
"Well hey, at least it's better than that mint chocolate chip crap you eat, Jase!" Allison fired back.
The kids playfully bickered on their way to the kitchen, and then sat around the kitchen island. Once their parents came up for air, they would remember their scarred children in the kitchen and come to retrieve them.
"You know, it's kind of gross, but at least Mom and Dad still like each other. Some of my friends parents' can't even stand to be in the same room as one another," Jason said thoughtfully.
"Yeah," Allison agreed. "It is kind of nice. Reassuring I guess."
Elizabeth pulled back from sucking a bruise below Henry's ear.
"Did you hear something? Oh crap! The kids! And game night!"
She bolted off the couch and elbowed Henry in the face in the process.
"Whoa there, tiger, I'm sure the kids are fine. And look at all the games on the coffee table! I'm sure they're just hanging out in the kitchen plotting revenge as we speak," Henry said teasingly.
Elizabeth threw a pillow at him exasperatedly and shot him an annoyed look. She went to move to the kitchen, and Henry stopped her.
"Hey babe, wait. You might want to fix your hair first?"
She patted down her hair and tried to make it look like she hadn't just been making out with her husband on a couch like they were teenagers.
Elizabeth held out her hand. "Come on, Henry! Let's go grab our babies and then kick their butts at Scrabble!"
Laughing, Henry allowed his wife to pull him up off the couch and they went into the kitchen, where Elizabeth made a beeline for the popcorn.
"Mom, I will never understand your obsession with popcorn. And with ice cream!" Jason said, sounding impressed.
Elizabeth took a handful of popcorn from the bowl and crossed over to Stevie.
"No offense, first born of mine, but your father makes better popcorn than you," Elizabeth said cheerfully.
"I bet he does," Stevie said silkily, causing both her parents to blush tremendously.
"Well…." Elizabeth was lost for words and glanced quickly at Henry.
After a minute of hilariously awkward tension, Allison cut the silence. "Parental units, we think it's cute that you're so in love and blah blah blah, but you're interrupting our game night. How are we McCord kids supposed to kick your butt in Scrabble if you're…otherwise occupied?"
Elizabeth and Henry blushed more furiously than ever before. Grabbing the popcorn and ice cream, they confusedly retreated into the living room.
"Well," Jason said gleefully. "If that's all it takes to render our esteemed parents speechless, we should screw with them more often, cause that was fun! Now, let's go kick some parental butt!"
The kids scurried into the living room, armed with the Scrabble game and a vicious will to win. For the moment, life was good.