Everyday
A Codename: Kids Next Door Fan Fiction
By
~CallMeButLove~
KND © Mr. Warburton
Everyday
Writing Operative: ~CallMeButLove~
Everyday I see you. Everyday my eyes find shelter from the emotion reflected in yours, behind my fringe. I don't even like my hair so long; I just can't cut it shorter because I'll have nowhere to hide if I do. Everyday I struggle to ignore you. Everyday you pretend not to notice, not to be hurt, and I pretend not to see it. I do see it – everyday. I often wonder, vaguely, how long you'll keep pretending. How long will I? Everyday you appear beside me. I have never looked up to seek you and not found you right there – within arms length. We fight together, the same fight. We stand beside the same team of friends. We share the same goals and objectives as we always have – together. The team is the team, just as it has been since we met so long ago before the Academy. We share the same victory or endure the same defeat. If I win, you win. If I lose, you cry.
Sometimes I think about the future, picture it. No one thinks that I would do that but I do – everyday. Everyday, the future in my fantasy gets closer. Everyday I get a little closer to telling you that I just can't imagine a future for me without you in it. I really can't see any other future no matter how hard I try. I have spent years trying. Everyday I chicken out as you sparkle in my direction or your effervescent being manifests next to me on the couch in the late afternoon lull of the day. I have progressed – I have! – everyday when you bounce in I turn the channel to some god-awful, girly thing you like before you have a chance to ask me. Everyday you smile and everyday I burn to seal that smile between my own lips, claim it as my own. Everyday I pray in silence that you will stay, keep waiting. I know you're waiting, that you always have been – I just can't move. I'm frozen, paralyzed by my own fears, by my irrational sense of pride, by my indomitable dread of rejection. Please thaw me out, I'm frozen. Please don't ever give me up to this cold.
Everyday I worry myself sick as I stand numbly across the room and watch you. You glow, you float, you shimmer and everyone is drawn to you – like a magnet, like a flame, like a goddess. I stand and watch, it's all that I can do to stay still. I fight to suppress the terror and the ache. I try to imagine away the invitation in your eyes. Denying it never works, so I turn away. Everyday you reach out to me – you attempt to breach my walls. You don't try to tear them down, not like others have before. You know me better than to try that. You just keep enticing me, baiting, tempting me to let you in past them. Pleading with your eyes, and laughter, and gentle smile to bring you in, within this heart, and close the walls around you too. Safe and secure within me. My fondest wish is to give you your own way, and yet I still only watch.
I know that if ever I took you up on that invitation, if I made the effort to move, if I strode across the room and closed the distance stretching out between us as we stand here in the same room, things would change. If I did anything like come near you EVERYONE would fade to second place, fade to gray. You wouldn't give any of them the time of day. I know and yet I remain rooted to the my spot along the opposite wall. Everyday the chance gets slimmer that you'll stick it out. You must be so tired, I know that I am. I'm exhausted from the years I've invested in blocking your path towards the depths of my heart and soul. I have been staunchly preventing you from coming home for so long. You must be tired, you must be sad, you must be in pain. I'm so sorry.
Today you didn't look my way when he asked you to sit with him. When he asked you to share space, to share lunch, to share your company, your light, your self. Today my chance began to slip from my grasp, at long last my punitive recompense for the hurting I've been doing. Today I clenched my fists until my palms bled, scarlet droplets marring the floor below, my nails biting into the flesh there. They are bright red and contrast so sharply against the dark stone floor that they should be more than the tiny splash-shaped dots that they are. They are meager signs of my life, really it has been far too long since I died inside. That's what I thought until today, that I was dead to love. I believed that I had succeeded in eradicating my heart long ago. After all no one can break what no longer exists. Today you proved me wrong and my agony began to swallow me whole.
Today you aren't beside me. It's such a foreign feeling. Today is the end of the road, it all ends today. One way or another this hell I have condemned us to until now, will release us both today. Today I sit alone on the couch and I'm amazed at how cold and large it is without you snuggled up with me on it. Today my tears blur my view of the violent program I never get to watch anymore because you said it makes you sad. The tears of a man fall in a steady stream from these eyes, until today the eyes of a boy. I breathe in for a moment waiting. Today you came home late with tear streaks down your cheeks that rivaled mine and the same broken posture. Today I have found my voice. Today my eyes must face what I have been hiding from – everything that is you. Today your dewy, heavenly eyes offer me One. Last. Chance.
Today I am finally man enough to take it.
"Kuki …. I …. need …. you."
"I love you too, Wally."
Author's Notes:
Please don't hate me... I know. I have to finish the other stories... I know. PLEASE review!
I'm OK with this one, but I think I have relegated myself to being a strictly one-shot/ficlet/drabble-ish writer now. I seem to lose interest in anything that I can't finish right off the bat. It never used to be that way. Who knows?
I am taking a vacation from work in July, so there should be progress then because I will be able to stay up late and write. My favorite time is between 1 and 3 AM... again who knows?