When Rabid Fan-Girls Attack
By Faber Wolffe
For once I decided not to make fun of bad fan-fiction authors but to vent my frustration on the amount of time we are forced to wait between canon editions in so many books.
DISCLAIMER: You know this by now. I don't own them, ::evil smile:: but I sure as heck wish I did ::eyes some of the more… interesting fan art:: and I am so not referring to the money involved.
Oh, and as to the rabid fan-girls? Really, they're just the embodiment of any fan-girl in all of fandom but they're somewhat based off a couple of (dare I say?) friends of mine.
"LUPIN!"
Remus rolled his eyes, wondering what could have possibly gone wrong now. Professor Lupin was back, much to Snape's displeasure, and Snape used every opportunity he had to try and make life miserable for the former Marauder.
"What is it, Severus?" Remus asked mildly as he walked out of the coffee room and into the staff room, where Snape seemed to be having a battle with a wardrobe.
"It's a…" The door creaked open and Snape slammed it shut again, leaning against it with all his slight weight, and started over. "There's a" Slam. "BOGGART." BANG, he managed to get out, before finally getting the door shut.
Wiping sweat from his eyes he tried to catch his breath and explain. "I just walked in and opened the door. I suppose it's a boggart, but I've never had one turn into…" Snape paused looking for the right word. "This before."
Remus strode over to the door, and smiled saying, "Well, I think we can handle that…"
"NO! DON'T!"
But Remus had already opened the door, and tumbling out came three things, in a tangle of blue jeans and rock and roll, and wolf t-shirts.
The two blonde girls recovered first, standing and looking around. The brown haired figure just smiled and stayed sitting on the floor, observing causally as the others took in the scene.
"SNAAAAAAAAPE!"
"REMIIIIII!"
And the two wizards were attacked by the rabid fan girls.
Faber just sat on the floor and laughed.
"HE'S REAL, HE'S REAL, HE'S REAL!"
"REMI!"
Faber was still laughing and at this point had fallen over gasping for breath.
Remus and Severus looked like they had suffered mild heart attacks, and were trying to discreetly crawl away.
No easy task when a fan girl has you in her clutches.
Finally what little patience Snape had snapped. "GET OFF!"
And Snape stood up, shoving the fan girl off and was very quick to put an armchair between himself and the other girl, who was smiling predatorily.
Remus managed to stand, but the girl was still hugging his ankles refusing to let go and smiling as if this were the happiest moment of her life.
"Who the Hell are you?!" Snape shouted.
"Your future wife!" the girl chasing Snape announced.
The other girl was still staring at Remus. "Remiii…"
The two wizards were now really really scared.
Faber finally stood though, brushing dust off the black t-shirt and pulling too-long brown hair into a sloppy ponytail. "And I would be Faber Wolffe."
"Well, Wolffe, since you seem to be the only" Snape jumped aside as the fan-girl narrowly missed him. "The only slightly sane one present. Would you mind telling me, WHAT'S GOING ON?"
"Must have fallen asleep at the keyboard, or something, plot hole opened and the plot bunnies ran wild." Faber answered.
Snape looked clueless. "And what does this have to do with me suddenly being betrothed?"
Faber grinned evilly. "I'm a Fan-Fiction writer. Until J.K.R. comes out with another book people like me control your destiny. Me and them."
Lupin's eyes went wide. "That's horrible!"
The Remus fan-girl pounced, pinning Lupin to the ground.
"No its not!"
Faber continued to smile. "I can do anything I want with you. Absolutely anything, but for now…" Faber grabbed a pen and a pulled a scrap piece of paper from the back pocket of those baggy blue jeans. Scribbling for a moment suddenly two tiny and vaguely recognizable objects materialized beside her.
"PLUSHIES!"
And the fan girls pounced on the respective Snape and Lupin plush toys, squeezing them to the point that a couple of button eyes flew off. Lupin vaguely realized that the circulation to his legs was only just returning.
A few more scrawls made by Faber and the fan girls disappeared.
"Today I'm in a generous mood," Faber explained. "However, if I get bored again I might just send them back."
"You wouldn't dare…"
"Would I?" Faber asked, raising an eyebrow at Snape, meeting the glare head on.
(A/N: I can't do the one eyebrow thing in real life, but this is fan fiction world! I can do anything I want! Muahaha! ::dramatic music, and thunder strikes::)
"Just make sure that J.K.R. gets moving on that fifth book," Faber said stepping back into the wardrobe and disappeared.
Remus and Severus exchanged a glance.
"That was worse than any boggart."
"I'm for setting plot bunnies lose in Ms. Rowling's head."
"I couldn't agree more."
The End?
MORAL: If the real authors don't like my fan fiction they REALLY need to publish the next book!!!!