25 things I'm not allowed to do.

By Chris 'Air Force God' Redfield

So here's the deal. My name is Chris Redfield and I like practical jokes. Well, actually, I fucking love practical jokes. Anyway, Leon's getting pretty sick of – wait a sec – I should probably explain about Leon. He's Leon Kennedy. And he's my boyfriend. He's pretty hot. Not as hot as me of course but still, he's up there. He thinks he's all that because he's in the RPD or whatever. He's pretty sick of me and my practical jokes and so called oaf-like ways so he's decided to give me this list.

I'm not allowed open my yoghurt and stick the lid to either:- Brad's face, Jill's chair or Leon's butt cheeks then offer to peel it off whilst simultaneously copping a feel.

I'm not allowed to use threats of violence/destruction in order for Brad to get me a cheeseburger from Emmy's.

I'm not allowed to use threats of violence/destruction to make Brad sniff my armpits on a hot summer's day to see if I smell or not.

I'm not to forcibly hold Brad under my armpit on a hot summer's day to find out if I smell or not.

I'm not allowed to hide in various places in the RPD building and jump out on Brad whilst screaming 'I'VE GOT A KNIFE'!

I'm not allowed to make fun of the time Brad nearly got stabbed whilst working as a beat cop.

I'm not allowed to use the S.T.A.R.S helicopter to go get takeaway pizza and I'm certainly not allowed to sign my name as Brad Vickers when requesting use of said helicopter.

I'm not allowed to hide small creatures in Brad's desk drawer.

I'm not allowed to kick the stall door open whilst Brad is using the toilet.

I'm not allowed within one hundred feet of Brad Vickers.

I'm not allowed to use Leon's socks for 'nefarious purposes'.

When using tissues for 'nefarious purposes' I am not allowed to discard them idly and leave them on Leon's pillow for him to find when he goes to bed.

I'm not allowed to refer to Marvin Branagh as 'you know, that black guy Leon works with'

I'm not allowed to keep telling everyone that the reason Wesker wears sunglasses is because he's blind

I'm not allowed to turn up drunk to work and vomit on Brad's desk.

I'm not allowed to constantly tell people I was in the Air Force but if I really must, I have to tell them that I was let go because of insubordination not because I was 'too much man for them'

I'm not allowed to infer in any way, shape or form including crude hand-puppet shows that Brad Vickers has a tiny penis.

When introducing him to other people, I'm not allowed to refer to Leon as 'the wife'

I am not allowed to replace Jill's birth control pills with Tic-Tacs or Barry's heart pills with Pez sweets. Nor am I allowed to switch Barry and Jill's pills.

If Leon falls asleep on the sofa after a hard day's work I'm not allowed to wake him by slapping his butt as hard as I can.

I am not allowed to fart in the biscuit tin then offer Leon a biscuit.

I'm not allowed to phone Leon's family and tell them he's dead even though he really doesn't want to go to that reunion. I'm especially not allowed to put an obituary in the paper.

I am not allowed to ask Rebecca if she still has her high school cheerleader uniform

If I see a cake in the RPD main hall that says 'Happy Birthday', there are 364 chances that it isn't mine so I shouldn't eat it.

I should not break into the S.T.A.R.S locker room late at night, break into everyone's lockers and swap all their belongings with the belongings of the locker next to it.

Apparently this list is 'by no means exhaustive' and he'll be asking for the input of my co-workers, sister, friends and 'anyone else who's had the misfortune of meeting me' to add to it.

Bet I can break every single rule in two days.