DISCLAIMER: Unfortunately, I do not own the Iliad. If I did, everyone would have died in the first book and the next 23 would be superfluous. Just kidding, of course…ahem. Also, I do not own Lord of the Rings or whatever the phrase "Happy Place" comes from (Happy Gilmore?). Enjoy!
Finally! It's the plot summary you've been dying to read: The Iliad! Ok, so my version may be a bit different than Homer's…
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BOOK 1:
This is a story about a man. A man and his rage. Oh, and also that Trojan War thing.
ACHAIAN (GREEK) CAMP
Agamemnon (who shall henceforth be known as "Aggie"): Hmm. I wonder why all our troops are dying of the mysterious plague Apollowrathitis?
Achilles: Duh…maybe it's because you refused to ransom the daughter of that priest of Apollo. You'd better give her back before we all die…and not the glorious kind of death. The turn green and cough up blood kind.
Aggie: Fine. I'll give her back, but I'm taking your woman instead.
Ach: Hey! You can't do that! That's not fair!
Aggie: I'm the biggest king, so what I say goes!
Achilles, who suddenly has the strong desire to kill Aggie (surprise), spontaneously turns into Gollum/Smeagol.
Gollum: He wants to take the preciousss. He wants it for hissself! Gollum!
Smeagol: No, Master is our friend! We mussst not kill him!
Gollum: But he's trying to take the preciousss! We mussst kill him!
Athena: Gollum! Go back to your own book! Achilles, no killing Aggie.
Ach: Awwww… Fine. But I'm not playing with him anymore until he says he's sorry!
Achilles, being the fierce and brilliant warrior that he is, does what any noble champion would do when confronted by an obstacle: cries for his mommy.
ACHILLES' "HAPPY PLACE"
Ach: Mo-om!! He took my woman!
Thetis: Now, honey, stop crying. Your mascara is running.
Ach: But Agamemnon took my favorite concubine! Now I've only got like 200 left! Can't you get Zeus to make our side start losing so all my friends get slaughtered and everyone will see how much they need me?
Thetis: All right, already! Sheesh. Anything to get you to stop whining!
OLYMPUS
Thetis: Hey there, Zeus. Long time no see. Remember that 20 bucks you owe me?
Zeus: What? I don't owe you any money!
Thetis: Oh, my bad. That was Ares. You owe me 'cause I saved your immortal butt during the latest coup attempt on Olympus.
Zeus: D'oh! I knew that coup would come back to haunt me. What do you want? An emu farm? A lifetime supply of Skittles? A less whiny son?
Thetis: I have always wanted some emus…I mean, NO! I want you to make the Achaians start losing so my son will look better.
Zeus: Well, I have been telling all the gods to stay neutral in the war, but Ok.
Thetis leaves, muttering "excellent" under her breath. Oxide Hera…I mean ox-eyed (is that supposed to be a complement?)…knows something's up and confronts Zeus.
Hera: Oh, no you didn't!
Zeus: Who me? I didn't do anything…er, Look! Something shiny!
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Well, that's the first book of the Iliad in a nutshell. Much thanks to ten miles til midnight, Blair, and Ham and Cheese for inspiration and technical assistance. Yeah. Just think – without them none of this would be possible!
Several random adjectives that I may use (such as long-haired or ox-eyed) are used over and over and over in my translation(s), and so must also be mocked.
By the way, feedback is appreciated. Flames are fun and toasty.