Koko.........
-I miss you......I love you..........I want to see you............-
I stare out at the audience of delegates who I am speaking to here. None of them understand my feelings or why I chose to carry on representing peace. - Why should they need leaders for the people to follow though? I don't understand....- The people, the other peace leaders, the people sitting in this room right now, are faceless strangers, they don't know me, .............the true me deep inside. I realize I've stopped talking and look around the room without turning my head to much. I see expectant faces, who are waiting for me to continue, almost on the edge of their seats. -They trust and follow me as a leader of peace. In their minds I am wise, sincere and always knows how to save them in times of crisis. How can they place so much faith in me? I'm not as strong as they believe. Yet, I have to act stoic and unshakable, so they don't see they how weak I really am. - There is an eerie hushed silence in the room. Time seems almost frozen as no one moves in the huge dim hall. The spotlight is on me. I sigh quietly and gather the remaining energy I have to finish the last sentence of my speech. - I'm losing my enthusiasm for this. Each day it's becoming harder to keep up the effort to smile, but I need keep going! It's important for continuing to keep this peace, isn't it?-
As I look out the window of the limo as Pagan drives me home, I'm not so sure. I watch the shadows of dark trees flicker past in a blur and the light from the streetlights glow, seems to flash across the glass.-No matter what goes on in peoples worlds the trees stand tall and unaffected. So I can look at them and know that life isn't as hard as it seems.- My eyebrows twitch upwards slightly in worry-But their lives are simple. Nature maintains its peace by itself, it doesn't need to be governed by someone. Perhaps that's why nature never changes. I - "Is something wrong Rerena-san?" I turn my head and notice Pagan watching me through the review mirror. I smile, though I don't feel like doing so. " No, I'm fine. Just a bit tired, that's all." He doesn't say anything, but in the next passing light I see his face in the mirror. He looks worried. -I should have been more convincing. I don't want anyone to worry about me, its not necessary.-
I'm home, in the Sanq kingdom palace........but is it really my home? I don't feel comfortable here, it seems that the public and the entire world is always watching me. Just waiting.........I cannot relax, or I might make a mistake and offend them. The hall is brightly lit with a soft red carpet, and I hear the muffled thump of my footsteps as it echoes off the walls. -It reminds me of a heartbeat.........- I feel the sadness coming to the surface of my mind, and I tense up. I don't understand why I am losing control, of simple things that I could handle easily before. I look at myself from before, the Relena I used to be seems so much stronger, why can't I draw on the strength of the person who I once was? Shouldn't I be stronger than the person I am now?- " What happened?" The only answer is a soft echo. I can't stay here, I feel so tense. I'll go for a walk, I owe it to everyone to at least stay healthy.
It's cold, with a slight wind blowing through the dark. There is no moon tonight, the clouds are too thick and dark to see it. The long grass rustles in small waves every so often. I walk on, with no particular direction and let my thoughts drift, which is very nice for a change. Looking up I see dark shadowy trees swaying slightly with a soft noise. -Where am I going? I didn't know this path was here......but I suppose I don't really explore much.- Gradually the path widens out and I step out into a clearing. I could just barely see the calm dark blue lake surrounded by tall trees. I walk over towards the still water and stand there, lost in the peacefulness of not thinking, and maybe lost in something else too. A name comes to my mind, along with a familiar feeling."He-" I stop as I feel an uncomfortable nervousness, someone is watching me.
-Heero? That's the way I feel when you look at me, so strange.- I turn my head back and forth quickly in a panic. Then on the other side of the lake, just barely in sight, I see a dark figure disappear into the shadowy trees. All rational thoughts leave me. "H....Heero!" I call out, but I know he won't stay. - You never do heero.-
I walk back along the path heading for the Sanc Kingdom, its far too quiet out here but I won't go inside........... -Why Heero? The fighting is over, so why do you still run away from me? I know you live your own life, I have no right really to ask you to stay here. But................I'm so used to being around you, I want you to come see me still. I can't stop myself.- I look up as I reach the stone wall of the Sanc Kingdom, so tall and straight, perfect. I lower my head. -I don't think I can do it, I can't lead a country........because I don't know how to be strong enough, I've lost my strength.- I frown and close my eyes as the grass rustles again with the wind. - I've let them down. Everyone who believed in me, - " It hurts." I say quietly. " Really?" I lift my head up straight quickly as I hear him. " Heero?"
more to come in a few days.
-I miss you......I love you..........I want to see you............-
I stare out at the audience of delegates who I am speaking to here. None of them understand my feelings or why I chose to carry on representing peace. - Why should they need leaders for the people to follow though? I don't understand....- The people, the other peace leaders, the people sitting in this room right now, are faceless strangers, they don't know me, .............the true me deep inside. I realize I've stopped talking and look around the room without turning my head to much. I see expectant faces, who are waiting for me to continue, almost on the edge of their seats. -They trust and follow me as a leader of peace. In their minds I am wise, sincere and always knows how to save them in times of crisis. How can they place so much faith in me? I'm not as strong as they believe. Yet, I have to act stoic and unshakable, so they don't see they how weak I really am. - There is an eerie hushed silence in the room. Time seems almost frozen as no one moves in the huge dim hall. The spotlight is on me. I sigh quietly and gather the remaining energy I have to finish the last sentence of my speech. - I'm losing my enthusiasm for this. Each day it's becoming harder to keep up the effort to smile, but I need keep going! It's important for continuing to keep this peace, isn't it?-
As I look out the window of the limo as Pagan drives me home, I'm not so sure. I watch the shadows of dark trees flicker past in a blur and the light from the streetlights glow, seems to flash across the glass.-No matter what goes on in peoples worlds the trees stand tall and unaffected. So I can look at them and know that life isn't as hard as it seems.- My eyebrows twitch upwards slightly in worry-But their lives are simple. Nature maintains its peace by itself, it doesn't need to be governed by someone. Perhaps that's why nature never changes. I - "Is something wrong Rerena-san?" I turn my head and notice Pagan watching me through the review mirror. I smile, though I don't feel like doing so. " No, I'm fine. Just a bit tired, that's all." He doesn't say anything, but in the next passing light I see his face in the mirror. He looks worried. -I should have been more convincing. I don't want anyone to worry about me, its not necessary.-
I'm home, in the Sanq kingdom palace........but is it really my home? I don't feel comfortable here, it seems that the public and the entire world is always watching me. Just waiting.........I cannot relax, or I might make a mistake and offend them. The hall is brightly lit with a soft red carpet, and I hear the muffled thump of my footsteps as it echoes off the walls. -It reminds me of a heartbeat.........- I feel the sadness coming to the surface of my mind, and I tense up. I don't understand why I am losing control, of simple things that I could handle easily before. I look at myself from before, the Relena I used to be seems so much stronger, why can't I draw on the strength of the person who I once was? Shouldn't I be stronger than the person I am now?- " What happened?" The only answer is a soft echo. I can't stay here, I feel so tense. I'll go for a walk, I owe it to everyone to at least stay healthy.
It's cold, with a slight wind blowing through the dark. There is no moon tonight, the clouds are too thick and dark to see it. The long grass rustles in small waves every so often. I walk on, with no particular direction and let my thoughts drift, which is very nice for a change. Looking up I see dark shadowy trees swaying slightly with a soft noise. -Where am I going? I didn't know this path was here......but I suppose I don't really explore much.- Gradually the path widens out and I step out into a clearing. I could just barely see the calm dark blue lake surrounded by tall trees. I walk over towards the still water and stand there, lost in the peacefulness of not thinking, and maybe lost in something else too. A name comes to my mind, along with a familiar feeling."He-" I stop as I feel an uncomfortable nervousness, someone is watching me.
-Heero? That's the way I feel when you look at me, so strange.- I turn my head back and forth quickly in a panic. Then on the other side of the lake, just barely in sight, I see a dark figure disappear into the shadowy trees. All rational thoughts leave me. "H....Heero!" I call out, but I know he won't stay. - You never do heero.-
I walk back along the path heading for the Sanc Kingdom, its far too quiet out here but I won't go inside........... -Why Heero? The fighting is over, so why do you still run away from me? I know you live your own life, I have no right really to ask you to stay here. But................I'm so used to being around you, I want you to come see me still. I can't stop myself.- I look up as I reach the stone wall of the Sanc Kingdom, so tall and straight, perfect. I lower my head. -I don't think I can do it, I can't lead a country........because I don't know how to be strong enough, I've lost my strength.- I frown and close my eyes as the grass rustles again with the wind. - I've let them down. Everyone who believed in me, - " It hurts." I say quietly. " Really?" I lift my head up straight quickly as I hear him. " Heero?"
more to come in a few days.