Karin: Now, in the spirit of good fun (and well, I'm pretty leaked out for drama for this story...I'm working on it) I've decided to do a parody shot like...A What If filler chapter that while not canon with the story is designed to get you all laughing you asses off.

We all know Kaye Winchester is a bit of a vulgar, boyish, angry mean spirited pessimistic loner (wow that was mean) but she's coming out of her shell since meeting Harry and the Potter Gang (You like that?)

Anyway, I was talking to a heavily pregnant LovingTheOgre about the story. The conversation went a little like this:

LTO: What do you think would have happened to Kaye if she would have fallen into another story?

ME: I dunno.

LTO: What if it would have been...?

ME: *after a five minute silence cackling ensues* Edo bash?

LTO: Sparkle bash?

That's the way it went and now I give you the Parody What If chapter titled:

Edward Cullen and the Real Girl.

-

I hated wet places almost as much as I hated the cold and while everyone squirmed their way inside the small high school I could only sigh as upon entering I was accosted by smiling faces and questioning voices filled with curiosity and unfathomable undeserved love and praise.

"Hey you're the new girl!"

"Yeah."

"What class do you have?"

"Biology."

"Where are you from?"

"Orlando Florida."

"OmG, you're like so short!"

"...Bite me..."

"I like Oranges!"

"Who cares?"

"Hey Katarina, sit with me at lunch okay?"

"It's Kaye, not Katarina just Kaye!"

"Okay, Just Kaye. Sit with me at lunch. The names Mike by the way, Mike Newton."

"...I don't care..."

"See you later."

I scurried to the appointed direction of my new biology class feeling completely nervous. What would I encounter upon entering that classroom? This book world was strange, odd and completely unrealistic. The new kid isn't supposed to be welcomed in the ways of a 'New Comer" to James Town back in the day before the Kool-Aid incident (oh that was in bad taste Kaye...)

A new kid was supposed to be scrutinized, sized up and dealt with in the way of a nuclear bomb. Whoever wrote this particular book that I unfortunately fell into had to seriously be of the optimistic "Peace and Equality" sort of bend, not that there was anything wrong with writing about acceptance and love but this was a book. This was a high school book, at that, for Young Adults. You have to be semi realistic.

The door's opened, the kids behind push me towards the opened door. Apparently I had been dawdling. The teacher's got this look on his face that just screams 'not another one' and I find myself relaxing. Apparently not everyone here is some deranged happy clone.

"You'd be the new girl then?" He takes a seat his hand is held out to take my slip. "I'm Mr. Banner."

"Hello sir. I'm Kaye Winchester." I introduce myself. He just shrugs, points to an empty table by the window towards the middle area of the room and hands me a book.

No nonsense kind of guy. I like him.

I take my seat, having ignored the whispering about me, the new girl. I take the seat closest to the window and set my bag on the empty chair next to me. I want a smoke. I think I might just need one after so much happy dancing in the air. I've never seen so many happy people. It's disgusting.

"Maybe they're deranged?" I ask myself, someone's whispering my name behind me trying to get my attention, the Newton kid probably. "What do you want, puppy?"

"Puppy?" He asks voice dripping of incredulity before he laughs. I don't feel like turning around to look at him, his blond spiky hair is blinding anyway. He reminds me of a stereotypical late 90's boy band member. "Anyway, Kaye, I was thinking that since you're new and all you might want to hang out after school? You probably don't know the area at all and I can show you some cool places."

"Not interested, but thanks. I want to settle in before I start hanging out and besides, I like doing the independent thing. It's a small town. I can figure it out on my own." I automatically feel bad though. He is nice. So I turn around and sport my best fake smile, the kind that always makes guys go 'aw how cute'. "But maybe we can see a movie or something next weekend? How 'bout it?"

"S-sure!" He's the color of a tomato. I guess he doesn't often get girls asking him out...which I was not. Not really. I just felt bad for telling him no off the bat.

I might not even been in this place next week.

I turn back around after giving puppy a pat on his spiky blond head and continue to rest my chin of the palm of my hand. My elbows gonna go numb if I keep resting it on the table.

"Excuse me, that is my seat." A pleasant voice asks from my side, the kind of voice that oozes sex appeal. I automatically think of James Bond for some reason or maybe that one actor from the Goblet of Fire Robert Paterson or some shit like that.

"Then sit in the seat next to this one." I remove my bag from the empty chair next to me without looking up. I'm thinking about pancakes now for some reason.

"But that's my seat." His voice sounds a little more aggressive and there is a collective wave of whispers and awe. This guy must be what one calls the OMGAWSH he's so fecking Hott!!!!111 of any high school. Even in this weird Stepford Wives novel knock off there are still assholes who probably think they're better then everyone when obviously they aren't.

"Well tough cookies Sally, looks like you're just gonna have to sit right there in that empty seat." I look out the window.

"The seats are assigned. That is where I was put to sit. If you would be so kind as to move..." This guy's annoying and by the tone of his voice, which almost squeaks, it sounds like no one has ever said no to him. I'm glad, I'll be his first.

"Look I'm new, I'm tired and I really don't feel like being here. I sure as hell do not want to have a conversation with some stranger about assigned seats I didn't even know about. Now, if you'd be ever so kind as to shut the hell up and sit your royal ass down, I can continue to ignore everything around me including you."

Whispers are becoming louder, someone shrieked I think. I'm not sure but looking at up I can swear that Mr. Banner is trying not to laugh.

"You're very rude."

"And you've annoyed me before being properly introduced." I finally turn to look at him: pale white skin, bronze colored eyes that are really unnatural and thick brown hair with reddish highlights. He had the perfect bone structure and he's crookedly smiling. I think I can hear the collective sighs from all of the girls right now...wait all the girls and three of the boys...He's gorgeous.

I hate him.

He tips his head, nodding a hello but stops half way. His eyes are on mine and look like fire like I've smacked him clear across the face. He looks to the front of the room, the other new girl. Pretty pale, Isa-something or another.

"Hey doll face you think you can drag another chair this way so that the other new girl can sit between us?"

He does as told although robotically. The way he looked at her made me uneasy.

"Mr. Banner can she sit here please?"

He would have probably said no on any other circumstance but, like everyone, he had seen the Bronze Eyed Wonder and I mix words. He nodded, pointed to me and the girl made her way over. She looked just as annoyed and bewildered as I had.

"Hey take the seat at the window. The guy that was sitting here is a total freak." I whisper and she takes the seat with a low, 'thanks'.

"So, you get the barrage of happy go lucky bull shit today to?" I ask her and it takes a moment for my comment to hit her.

She just stares for a second and then laughs nodding. I usually have that effect on new people who aren't used to my brand of vulgarity.

"Yeah. It was a little weird. I've never been looked at like this before."

"You're telling me. I was half expecting to get dry humped as a hello after being in this joint for ten minutes." I reach a hand towards her to shake. "The names Katarina Merope Winchester but just call me Kaye."

"Isabella Marie Swan, call me Bella." She shakes my hand.

She has to think I'm weird I mean, who else uses their entire name in an introduction?

"Bella? Like beautiful in Italian?"

"Yeah." She said a little embarrassed, a cute flush stains her pale cheeks and she almost hides herself behind a curtain of brown hair. "I didn't choose the nickname because of the beautiful part. It's just better then using my whole name."

"No it's cool. I totally get it. My nick name has a meaning to."

"Oh yeah?"

"Yep. Kaye, which can also be spelled K-E-I- means like, fire or something in Japanese. My brother looked it up." I grin. "You don't have to be embarrassed it isn't like I thought you were conceited or anything anyway."

She nodded. It occurred to me right away that maybe...she was supposed to meet the pale guy who was now sitting next to me, considering that if not for my being here she'd be sitting here alone with him-book canon is so stupid.

"Oh..." I jolted slightly as her eyes widened at him. She looked absolutely terrified.

I turned my head and caught a quick glimpse at him. His hands were balled much too tightly like he was in pain. He looked like he was totally pissed about something. "Dude I gave her the chair. Get over it. Relax."

"It isn't about the chair Katarina."

"How'd you know my name?"

He smirked, looked away and got all huffy again.

'I really hate this bastard.'

We had to look through telescopes which were easy anyway, anaphase and stuff that I'd already covered in class back home. Apparently so had my seating partners. We were squeezed tightly in our table, every now and then bumping into each other but it was nice. Bell, which was what I called her, and I talked about our homes and how we missed tropical weather.

Phoenix sounded nice, I decided that if I ever got back to my own world I'd visit the place.

"So why'd you move here in the first place, if you don't mind my asking?" I asked her.

"My mom got married. I wanted her to be happy with Phil." Short and sweet.

"So you did the whole self sacrificing bit for your mom? I can dig it. If I got along better with mine I'd have done the same thing."

The bell rang, Pale Guy was the first one out of the room leaving Bell and I to stare off after him in worried shock for her and bitter amusement for me. The guy was too fucking weird.

"What'd I do?"

"Nothing. He's a fucking psycho."

"Kaye language!" Mr. Banner half laughed. I don't think that Pale Face got teased on a regular. This must be a shock to everyone.

"Sorry. What I mean to say was fecking psycho."

"That's better."

Yeah, I was really going to like Biology.

-

School was a boring affair, lunch had been a disaster, but a hilarious one at that. When Bell and I got to the cafeteria there were the regular idiots falling all over themselves for us. It would have been alright I guess if we were more used to it but Bell and I were regular looking girls. We didn't really get what the big deal was.

So it was weird.

The bad turning point of the day happened when we were seated between Jessica Stanley and Angela Webber. I felt a prickling at the back of my neck like someone was looking at us.

"He's staring at me again..." Bell whispers in my ear. I have gotta ask her the brand name for her shampoo-she smells almost, dare I say, delicious.

"Are you shitting me? Again?"

She just nods, her face is flushed embarrassed. It reminds me of the time Christy got teased when we were in Elementary school. All the boys teased her because she was so pale and because of her red hair. "Ignore the fucker or he might stalk you."

The second it comes out my mouth there is this loud guffaw at the end of the room where Pale Face is sitting and when I look towards his table I am immediately hit with the giggles. The big guy, the one Jessica called Emmett, is leaning against the table almost chocking. His whole big body shakes so hard that the beautiful blond seated beside him starts to laugh.

The smaller girl with spiky hair is in the same position as he is. The blond boy next to her looks like he's either embarrassed, in pain or about to fall in laughter it's like he can't decide on one emotion so he's using all three.

Pale Face just stares or rather glares at me, clearly un-amused.

"...did he just...?"

"There is no way he could have heard you." She says in a low whisper. "That's crazy."

"Yeah..."

The rest of lunch is pretty much silent.

-

After my fall into this world I hadn't really any place to go. Being 18 and having a wallet of cash sort of insured me something. A motel room with just the bed, a wardrobe, a small bathroom and a T.v. seemed to be all that I would need.

When I mentioned to Bell that I was staying at a motel and that I no longer had any family she took it upon herself to sneak me into her place. No sense in wasting money, she said so I agreed. Her dad didn't really hover, he just assumed that I was staying over for a day.

"How am I supposed to move around then? You dad might think it's weird if I'm over all the time."

"Charlie's never home."

"What happens when he just decides to walk right into your room."

"He knocks. He might not mind you over anyway. He'll be glad to know I have friends."

"I see."

Days after school were spent hanging out in the house before Officer Swan came home. We'd be either reading or doing homework and talking about Edweirdo who hadn't been to school in a week.

"Maybe he's moved. You saw him in the office. He wanted to change classes."

"It's not you though. That pansy totally hates me."

"You think?"

"I know."

That's how it usually went. We spent constant time together, getting to know one another and then came the faults. I noticed right away that she was shy but...it pissed me off at how weak she acted. She was constantly ruled by negative emotions.

"Butch up Bell, stop being so fucking annoying and whiney. Who cares if they won't like you? I like you, I think you're neat. If you don't want to go and hang out with Jessica, Angela and Lauren then just say no."

"...But..."

"No buts. Grow a back bone girly. Think of it this way, in another two years they wont be a blip on your radar. College my dear, think of college."

Not to say that she didn't teach me a thing or two about tact. What a fun week that was and it was around this time that Officer Swan-Lake asked to meet my parents.

It went a little like:

"Kaye, you should invite your parents over."

"Why?"

"Well since you're here all the time-they might want to meet your friends dad or is it you know, bad at home?"

"No uh, it's cool just...you can't meet them?"

"Why not?"

"Well, I don't really have parents, per sey..."

I'm closing the chapter on that...just know that afterwards I started staying at Bell's with his full knowledge under the condition that I keep up my grades and eventually get a job.

Whoopee.

Anyway, this all happened that first two weeks of knowing one another. By then Edweirdo had returned to school and still kept glaring. Bell and I ignored him for it and all was right in the artificial world...until...a few months from entering the book I figured it out. It was a Friday when everything began to make sense and I realized the book I was in...When I realized that I was in hell.

It was winter break. Christmas was around the corner and the snow was piling on. Bell and I were completely miserable of course. We hated the cold wet weather.

"FML." I said between sips of hot cocoa.

"Amen to that." Bell sneezed into her new copy of The Vampire Lestat (I had recommended the series to her and like the loveable book nerd she is she gobbled it all up)

We were sitting in the squad car huddled together in the back seat while Charlie laughed at us as he drove. We were on our way to the airport, dolled up in thick jackets shivering like idiots. I turned to Bell and grinned widely at her. "So for the entire break huh?"

"You could have come with me." She said grumpily. I guess the prospect of being alone with her mother and Phil made her a little uneasy. "But no, you decide to stay in Hell."

"Aw Bella Wella, you cursed. You actually cursed!" I wiped a fake tear. "They grow up so fast."

"Shut up." She shoved playfully. "So, what are you going to do all break?"

"I dunno. Drive Ms. Daisy around town. Pawn all your stuff. Sell your underwear on E-bay?"

"I still cannot believe you named my truck Ms. Daisy."

"I still can't believe it's not butter but hey, what are you gonna do."

The car came to a halt. Somehow we had already reached the air port and as I watched her leave I felt a little sad.

-

Have you guys ever heard of K-ON gender bend? No, well you should really get to YouTube and start looking. I spent the rest of the day, after Bell left to Florida, sitting in her room and going through her computer. Loner much? I know. Anyway, since I'm absolutely tickled pink by Japanese music, a guilty pleasure, Bell decided to make me a CD. After inserting the shinny disk titled K-ON Man, into the computer I start picking up.

The majority of the mess was books and sketch paper-graded papers and crumpled failed tests. I put everything into piles on the desk. School papers here, books there. Sketch paper and failed attempts at drawing and perfecting my skills folded and placed underneath books.

With Watashi no Koi wa Hotch Kiss playing at an acceptable level (read: low) I settled on the bed that would be mine, finally, for about two weeks. I had been looking foreword to this and really nothing else...but now the concept of sleeping all by my lonesome makes me really sad.

...I miss Christy and Bell...shit. I even miss Byron the stupid cheating sonovabitch!

My eyes fall closed and I let the music carry me off to la la land where the sky is pink and Gilbert Beilschmidt of the Bad Touch Trio feeds me candy floss (pink by the way). Somewhere in the back of my mind I summon the image of Bryon Jinks before he cheated on me Byron's glittering green eyes, his dark black hair. He looks like Harry Fucking Potter you know? It's really fucking weird.

A low sigh wakes me up almost immediately my eyes train to the corner of the room and I almost (read: very closely) wet myself because standing in the corner of my (and Bell's) bedroom at, if the darkness outside meant anything, perhaps 100 PM...standing there all broody and a little surprised is Edward Motherfucking Stalker Psycho Cullen.

And all I have on is a pair of panties. Yep, you heard right. No bra, no shirt and no pants. Just my unicorn rainbow panties, (Hetalia fan site bought oh yeah! England's face is on the front!).

"G-g-g-..."

"Now, just calm down Katarina..." He holds his hands up like he's going to ward off a blow-

-which was probably a good idea for him because I managed to pick up the fucking night stand and fling it at his head.

"Y-you pervert!"

"I assure you I am no such thing!"

"Molester!"

Wuthering Heights flew through the air towards him and missed.

"I beg your pardon? I do not molest!"

Biology text books soar through the air and both hit him with a thud in the middle of his chest.

"You fucking Lech! You...you...DIRTY OLD MAN!"

And somehow that one gets him I mean it really pisses him off. His nostrils flare, his eyes look like the fiery pits of hell and I swear he growled.

"Gyah!"

At that moment, as I was pin down on the bed, all alone because stupid Charlie was with Billy, about three things I was absolutely positive.

First, Edward Cullen was an idiot.

Second, there was a part of him- and I didn't know how dominant that part might be- that did not yet realize our current position or my state of undress.

And third, I was unconditionally and irrevocably determined to hurt him.

With swiftness and the strength of a woman truly and utterly offended I kneed him in the balls. He squeaked and fell to the side holding his family jewels as though they might disappear.

"What the FUCK are you doing in my room?"

"If...you...would have earlier let me explain...you didn't have to be so afraid!" Oh he was in pain and somehow Cagayake! GIRLS! seemed to fit this mood as I began to laugh at his stupidity.

I laughed so hard that I almost fell.

"Look at how I'm dressed stupid. Why wouldn't I be afraid?"

It seemed as though for him, time stopped and he began to realize his error. Not only was he caught watching some girl sleeping in her room late at night like some creepy stalker, he was watching some girl sleeping in her room late at night like a creepy stalker and she was topless.

His face was easy to read...the stupid rapist!

"Oh...oh my!"

"Yeah Edward, oh fecking my..." I grabbed my bra from the floor and clasped it on. "How'd you get inside the house in the first place? You can't climb in the window, the tree's too far away. The window was locked and...Might I mention the doors are always locked?"

I was determined to hide the key that was outside in a much more secure place, that is, if I made it out of this encounter alive.

"You'll live...believe me." He said seeming to read my mind and something suddenly clicked.

The world that I had fallen in had been by accident. I remembered coming home, finding that coin, I remembered leaving and before that I had grabbed one of Christy's books. The one she said was so totally bullshit.

She had told me about it, she had dragged me to see the movie so she could make fun of it but it never occurred to me that this was...

"I know what you are?"

"What?" He asked a little bewildered.

I pulled a white tank over my bra and just stood with my back to him. I was staring at the desk at pictures of Bell and her mother, pictures of her in Phoenix with her friends from her old school and next to that one a picture of her as a little girl with a little Indian boy standing next to her obviously in love.

Oh Lordy...how could it have slipped my mind?

"I know what you are. I mean...I know know. You know?"

He was standing closely behind me I guess trying to read my mind if he could...he probably could so he had to know everything, right?

"Say it...if you know what I am then I want you to...say it say it out loud!" A harsh whisper and I feel a headache coming on. Oh yeah, I totally figured out where I am.

"A sparkling misogynistic idiot of a vampire with control issues."

"..."

Epic silence followed.

-Parody 1 Ended. Parody 2? Well you got to review.-


I was trying hard not to bash even though it was a parody. Anyway, I figured, why the hell not add in Kaye. Those of you who are unfamiliar to my story Harry Potter and the Real Girl, Kaye is from that story. She's a gruff angry vulgar girl so it's not like she was mean to Edward to be mean. She's just a mean person in general and this is how I could see them interacting.

Since this is a parody I didn't try to hard to make certain aspects, like her living arrangements, incredibly believable.

Also, I am not a Twilight series fan but I don't bash it (I might have here but it wasn't that bad right)

Anyway, for you Twi Lovers I kept it neat and light bashing against Edward...which wasn't by much I mean, lets be realistic...he was al little creepy.

Anyway preview the parody...maybe I'll finish it.