When the heart refuses to listen
~~Dedicated to Wendy402 and her amazing story "Crush"~~
AN: I got this idea by reading Wendy204's story "Crush". This is (also) kind of inspired by my own experiences... And be patient with me this is my first oneshot and Hotaru may be OOC. Corrections and/or constructive criticism are welcomed! I know my English is not the best, I'm sorry!
Disclaimer: I do not own Gakuen Alice nor Hotaru.
[Edited 20-Jan-2015]
Enjoy!
Here I am, staring at the one. Yeah, the one. I have never thought this could happen but I fell in love. Ridiculous right? The Ice Queen in person can actually feel such a sentiment? Some time ago, I would just have snorted. But now, the world has turned upside down.
I guess although I'm a genius, I'm incredibly stupid. To be exact, my heart is the silly part of me. Which happened to succeed in dominating my rational mind.
I cannot explain exactly why I have fallen for him. Sure he has a radiant smile, a kind character and all you could wish of a perfect boyfriend. Every girl in this school would agree with me. Yet, I'm not the typical girl. I hate this fake sweetness, chirpy gossip talking, dressing up to look cute and girly behaviour at all. But this doesn't prevent me from being lovestruck now. Great!
You see, my mind always told me not to observe him too closely, to keep enough distance. My heart on the other side just had to scream for the opposite. Loud. So my eyes followed his every step, his every little movement. And I started to lose myself. My mind tried to save me but my stupid heart refused to listen. Funny though that the thing you name as "heart" is just a product of your own brain and yet you separate them.
Luckily, my face and body had the strength to maintain my composed façade. My behaviour was not affected by these...emotions. Nobody noticed, even the idiot not. She may be dense but she is the only one who succeeds in guessing at my inner state.
However, I convinced myself everything is just plain imagination and I have everything under control. Day by day passed by and I got accustomed to my new side. Sure it was difficult at the beginning to keep my mouth shut and don't shout out whom my heart belongs to. The more time passed the more this desire faded away. It lost the power to distract me from clearly more important business like my inventions and money. My glance sometimes landed on him but it wasn't as stirring as it used to be. Everything was fine. I thought.
I will never forget this excruciatingly intense feeling the day everything fell apart. The day he presented his girlfriend. That day all the hidden emotions exploded with a force I hadn't known I possessed. I wanted desperately to cry, to scream, to break down but my body refused to move. I felt so hollow, so empty, so frozen. Because of my well known cold behaviour nobody noticed my extraordinary emotional condition. I somehow survived this day. In my room I sat down on my bed and waited for the tears. They never came. I felt numb and empty; there was no space for tears. I only felt my heart being as heavy as a stone, making breathing difficult. I remember I thought about stopping breathing because it was so exhausting. There I have it I thought grimly this is the result of your stupidity. Great job, Hotaru! But since I am the Ice Queen this shouldn't affect me. But why, why does it hurt so much? Where is that pain coming from? This moment I realised I had never dealt with such emotions before. Normally I would just ignore my feelings. And that's exactly what I tried the following days. It was painful, but I never gave in. My heart picked up his duty as solid cage of any emotions that could appear. Slowly I managed to live on. I felt my heavy heart every second in my chest but somehow I started depending on this physical pain. It never left me alone and this comforted me in some way.
When I look today at his face with these bright eyes, emotions aren't threating to surface. There isn't any hate or regret. But he is also not indifferent to me. I guess my chest will never be freed from the weight it carries. This is the price I have to pay for my heart which refused to listen.
I read in one of these stupid magazines the idiot forced me to page through that your first love is like a tattoo on your heart. And although I hate to admit, it's true.
AN: I didn't mention his name on purpose so you are free to choose your favourite one ;) although it might be obvious who I had in mind...
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