AN: I do not own any part of Harry Potter or anything related to it...unfortunately.
In 1975 it starts with sideways glances and tiny smiles.
She's new to the Quidditch team and he thinks it's going to be a disaster. She's all blonde curls and sparkling eyes and wide smiles-not at all fit for such a physical sport. But he's never seen her fly.
Three weeks into the term and he's been awed by her prowess on a broom more times than he'd like to admit. She, on the other hand, is shocked he hasn't come up with some sort of criticism, some unfair analysis of why she beats him every time they race around the pitch.
She almost falls off her broom twenty meters in the sky in late October when he tells her after practice he thinks maybe she could be a slightly better flier than him. She's heard him give out compliments before, but Marlene Mckinnon never thought she'd see the day that Sirius Black admitted to being less than the best at something. She smirks, in an attempt to hide her shock, and leans forward, jetting her broom back into action before yelling over her shoulder, "Of course I am!" She doesn't know how she expects him to respond, but she never imagines he'll tail after her, finally catch up to her (when she lets him) and pull her in for a gentle headlock mid-air. He lets go at her protestations of "you're gonna get us bloody killed up here," and they steer themselves safely back to the ground. They lock their things up in the shed and begin the walk back to the castle, Marlene laughing the whole way at Sirius's awful, yet accurate, impression of McGonagall.
They develop a habit of sticking around after practice. They linger in the air, chatting, as everyone else puts away their brooms and walks back to the castle. Then, right when Marlene looks like she's about to make a landing, she shoots higher into the air, yells "come and catch me if you can, Black!" and flies around the pitch at top speed.
She says she's helping him become a better flier. He jokes that she just likes having him chase after her.
By December of that year, they have made the full transition from friendly Housemates to actual friends. Marlene sits with Sirius and the other boys in the common room when Lily has prefect duty. It is no longer a question as to whether or not she will join their weekly Exploding Snap tournaments. Sirius has discovered that Marlene never seems to get tired-she has an unending supply of energy. Marlene has discovered that Sirius becomes very quiet whenever his family is mentioned, even in passing.
On the last day of term, Marlene runs into him on the grounds. Lily keeps walking after a brief nod to Sirius, saying she'll meet Marlene in the Common Room. Marlene asks Sirius if he's looking forward to the holidays and he says he really isn't. She asks why, because he's always finding a reason to be in a festive mood at school, whether it's celebrating a birthday, a quidditch win, or even a day without rain. He explains, rather tersely, that Christmas at the Noble and Most Ancient House of Black is nothing short of extraordinarily grim. She simply says "Oh," and doesn't ask any more questions.
The next morning he makes it to breakfast just as Marlene is leaving. She tucks a note under his plate and when he opens it, it reads: "Happy Christmas. I hope you have a less than terrible time."
He smiles a bit at that, folding the note into his pocket and thinking that aside from his best mates, she's just given him the best gift he is likely to receive.
1976 begins with a bit of a hitch.
When everyone returns from their holidays with new cloaks and new scarves and new quills they're dying to use, Marlene Mckinnon returns with something else that's new: a boyfriend.
He's in Ravenclaw and a year older, she tells Sirius, but all Sirius can hear when she says his name is a sound vaguely reminiscent of rushing water-angry, harsh, sudden. Whenever he sees her with Richard, his stomach feels like it's dropped and his chest feels like it's caving and he wonders if this is what James was trying to describe to him the last time Lily turned down his Hogsmeade invitation and went with someone else instead.
After a long discussion with Remus, he determines it must be jealousy that he's experiencing. He's not sure why that is, but he assumes it's because he's used to being Marlene's best male friend. It couldn't possibly be more than that; he's been snogging Lizzie Norton since November and has no complaints with her.
Through all of January and some of February, Marlene is happy with Richard. He is smart, much smarter than her, and he is considerate, but when he takes her to Madame Puddifoot's for Valentine's Day, she finds herself somewhat disappointed.
The choice is like him-logical and thoughtful-but also so, so unoriginal. She feels the urge to make a sarcastic comment when they enter the stuffy teashop, but holds her tongue. He pulls her chair out for her and orders her tea for her and they sit and eat their biscuits and stare at each other from across the table, but the whole time, Marlene has an aching desire to say "sod this," run back to the castle, and race around the Quidditch pitch on her broom. Instead, she sits through the whole afternoon, discussing her O.W.L.s and hearing about his plans to work for the Ministry.
After that, she waits another month (because Lily said she shouldn't do it right after Valentine's Day) before breaking things off with him.
It takes Sirius another week after that to figure out that Marlene is single again.
They are at James's birthday party in the Common Room, which Lily refused to attend no matter how much Marlene begged on James's behalf. Marlene, somewhat drunkenly, makes an offhand comment about the joys of being single, to which Peter, also drunkenly, asks if she's still going out with that Richard bloke. Marlene replies, "No, thank God," and Sirius's stomach jumps.
He's not sure if that's from the news or from all the firewhiskey he's drunk.
They all continue to dance sloppily in a circle while music blasts from the radio in the corner.
Much of the rest of the term passes unremarkably. In April, Marlene finally wins an Exploding Snap tournament and Sirius quits snogging Lizzie when he finds himself wishing one night that her hair was curlier and a few shades lighter. In May, everyone begins to panic about their O.W.L.s and Marlene is constantly being dragged to the library by Lily and her other roommates to study.
In early June, Gryffindor just barely loses it's last match of the season to Hufflepuff, effectively putting them out of the running for the House Cup. James and Sirius throw a party anyway because that's just who they are.
On the last day of O.W.L.s everything changes. The boys get into another fight with Snape, but this time Lily gets involved and even though it's Snape with the foaming mouth and James with the bleeding cheek, it's Lily who gets hurt and Marlene cannot stand for that. She follows Lily off the grounds and back to Gryffindor Tower, shooting the boys a nasty look as she goes-Sirius included.
A few hours later Snape and James are looking for Lily, but Sirius is looking for Marlene. He finds her sitting by the fireplace and when he goes to talk to her, she yells at him to shut up without even turning her head. He tries to reason with her, to explain that he did nothing wrong-and neither did James, really-but she won't hear it. She tells him that Snape is a creepy little prick but Sirius and his group are no better if they're going to act like such arrogant arses and what gave them-any of them-the right to hurt her friend? Sirius doesn't know what to say to that, so he takes her next bit of advice and pisses off.
Marlene knows that she is being too harsh but her concern for her best friend outweighs her concern for Sirius's feelings and even though what they did might have been funny under different circumstances, Marlene can't bring herself to say that to Sirius. The term ends without her knowing who won the final Exploding Snap tournament and without him getting to explain that they really, really didn't think things would escalate so far.
The first half of summer passes in a haze of picnics, ice cream, and visits to both Lily and Mary Macdonald's houses, but by the end of July, Marlene decides it's time to finally write Sirius.
She composes a well-thought out letter explaining that though the boys were out of line, she may have also overreacted and is not willing to lose a friendship over that.
She sends it to his address on a Tuesday, and when it returns on Thursday unopened, she begins to worry and Floo-calls James. When Sirius's head appears in the fire, she tells him what was in the letter and he tells her of how he ran away from home. She can see the faint trace of a black eye, but he shrugs it off, telling her it's been great for picking up Muggle girls. She laughs at that, but feels a little queasy also.
By the end of August, James, Sirius, Remus and Peter have visited every Muggle hangout spot near the Potter mansion and in the month James's parents were gone, Sirius managed to take six girls home with him by the end of the night, five of whom had curly blonde hair. Remus makes a note of this, Sirius shrugs it off as coincidence and James nods with an all-too-knowing smirk.
The next school year starts much the same as all the others have. The first months pass in a flurry of Quidditch tryouts, lost first-years, and professors' promises that now that O.W.L.s are over, school can only get harder from here.
In November, the plotting begins. Ever since the start of term, Lily seems less tightly-wound than ever before. Marlene and Sirius agree that if James ever even wants her friendship, now might be the time to strike. Marlene begins dragging Lily to Quidditch practice. Sirius convinces the new Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher to partner James with Lily. Marlene will only eat from the plate of eggs nearest the Marauders at breakfast. James finally accepts an invitation to the Slug Club.
Mid-December, Marlene runs down the stairs from the girl's dormitory and finds Sirius lounging on the sofa, making smoke rings with his wand. She flings herself onto the sofa next to him and excitedly tells him about how Lily has just declared that "Potter is not all bad perhaps and can be quite funny sometimes." Sirius leaps from the sofa and pulls Marlene into some sort of bizarre, music-less polka dance, shouting "Progress!" at the top of his lungs. Eventually they sit back down, breathing hard, and talk about what this could mean. They discuss the possibilities of romance between their two friends, but Marlene steers clear of the way her heartbeat speeds up whenever he says she looks nice, and Sirius doesn't mention how sweaty his palms get whenever she touches his hands to demonstrate a new quidditch maneuver on his broom.
This year, they exchange gifts on the last day before their holiday. Sirius gets Marlene a broom-servicing kit and she thinks it's amazing. Marlene gets Sirius a book on motorbikes because they remind her of him and he thinks she's amazing.
In 1977 good things happen.
Marlene is thrilled to bring Lily along with the boys to the first Hogsmeade trip in January. By noon, they have performed a Switching Spell to give Filch the voice of Mrs. Norris so that all he can do is mew as they stride past him and out of the castle; they have bought at least a quarter of all the chocolate in Honeydukes; and they have charmed all the books in the bookshop to scream obscenities at any Slytherins who try to open them.
Now they are sitting in the Three Broomsticks laughing at a joke Peter is telling and sipping the last of their third round of butterbeers. Marlene smiles when she sees how close Lily is sitting to James, and her smile widens when Sirius slings an arm around her shoulder and suggests to the group that they kick things up a notch, flashing what appears to be a large flask under his coat. Everyone agrees and soon they are sitting behind a large tree well off the beaten track, passing around a flask of firewhiskey and singing off-key.
When it is time to head back to Hogwarts, the group leaves their hideaway, with Sirius lagging behind to help Marlene up. She stumbles a bit, partly because of the alcohol and partly because she always has trouble balancing in the snow. He catches her before she can fall and she realizes that she's pressed up against him now, much closer than she intended. They are looking at each other in a way they only have in their own respective fantasies. And suddenly their lips are on each other and they are kissing passionately, so so passionately, and neither one is sure who initiated it but it really doesn't matter because it's happening and it feels so right and Marlene is sure this isn't just because of the firewhiskey.
They walk back to the castle not speaking, but holding hands. They know that things have changed for them, but they have no idea what that means.
They continue snogging for the next three months. They are just friends in class and in the common room, but when they are alone, they snog in corridors, in broom cupboards, in empty classes, on the pitch after practice, wherever and whenever they can. They never discuss it, which Marlene realizes suits her just fine. No matter how much she like Sirius and likes being with him, she's found that the idea of a title and a real commitment scares her more than a little. She's never seen herself as the type to settle down and she knows that's not who Sirius is, so she prefers not to address it and to continue as they have been instead.
In April, a gang of Slytherins corner Marlene and Lily in a corridor. The Slytherins get the worst of it, but Lily comes out with a busted lip and Marlene spends a night in the Hospital Wing regrowing the bones in her foot.
Sirius is seething when she limps back to the Tower the next day. He kisses her fiercely and then rants and raves about what happened and what could have happened if she weren't so quick and what would have happened had he been there. Suddenly, in a pause in his ranting, he turns around, stares her dead in the eye and says "Be my girlfriend." Marlene hesitates. She still hates the idea of labels and she tells him as much. Sirius argues that he doesn't want her to just be the girl he's snogging and she argues that she doesn't want him to make her his girlfriend just out of some sense of guilt or nobility. He swears that's not what it is, and finally, after she has made him promise that they will not make any big announcements in their change of status, she agrees to it.
True to his word, Sirius doesn't mention it to anyone, but by the end of term, all of their friends have figured it out. There's something different about the way they tease each other at mealtimes and the way she leans in when Sirius puts his arm around her shoulder.
They are ambushed on the train by their friends and forced to explain everything. Marlene is surprised to find that calling herself his girlfriend no longer makes her uncomfortable.
In August she finally gets a chance to visit Sirius at the Potter's. They go out for a night of dinner and dancing and when they get back to the mansion, they make love for the first time. It is her first time ever, but it's not his and she finds herself oddly grateful for that. He is caring and sweet and much more gentle than she ever imagined him capable of being. After, as they lie in bed, Marlene says that it was fantastic and Sirius replies with, "Of course it was. You were doing it with me." Marlene laughs and hits his arm and maybe someone else would be annoyed at him for making light of such a big moment, but as they wrestle on the bed, exchanging playful swats and tickling each other's sides, it just reinforces for her the fact that she made a very good choice when she decided to fall for Sirius Black.
Marlene loses a bet in September when James and Lily don't even make it a whole week back at school before finally, finally, becoming a couple. She wants to be bitter over the Galleon she lost, but she's so happy for her friends that she really doesn't care.
The happiness turns to anger a few weeks later when she and Sirius and James and Lily, along with Peter and Remus, are targeted ruthlessly by their Slytherin peers for being "Mudbloods and Blood-traitors." This she tolerates as she and her friends can all hold their own in a fight, but when she catches them attacking a second-year girl, she completely loses it. Before she knows it, she and the other five are sitting in Dumbledore's office, all with mild injuries, and she is yelling at Dumbledore about how something needs to be done. She cites incidents reported in the Daily Prophet, she calls for justice, she blames the Aurors for not doing their jobs, and Sirius thinks she's never looked sexier than she does in this moment. Dumbledore merely smiles, says "Patience," and sends them back to their dorms.
They all stay at the castle for Christmas this year and that is when Dumbledore tells them about the Order of the Phoenix.
Sirius and Marlene barely leave his bed for the duration of the holiday, much to the others' chagrin and amusement. They talk about everything from Marlene's siblings to Sirius's childhood to fighting in the Order after school. Marlene reveals that she is somewhat relieved because she finally knows what she's doing when she graduates. Sirius feels largely the same; he knew he was going to end up fighting but he didn't know how he was going to achieve that. They both agree that there's no other path for them but joining the Order, and they are glad they get to do it together.
In 1978 it continues with soft glances and tight hugs.
They fall into a comfortable pattern of meeting up after class for dinner and a quick snog in the common room before quidditch practice, and then homework and more fun activities in the boys dorm afterwards. But it is the times when they break those patterns-when Sirius sees Marlene and Mary sneaking up from the kitchens with a plate of cakes or when Marlene watches Sirius tease James over the latest corny thing he's said to Lily-that they really see the little things they adore about each other.
Marlene notices how he swaggers when he walks through the castle, but he slouches when he's alone with his friends. He only laughs when he things something is really and truly funny. He sighs at least five times whenever he does herbology homework. He really is as ridiculously handsome as everyone thinks he is.
Sirius always knows when she's entered the room because Marlene always talks a little louder than she needs to. She fidgets in class and in the library because she can never keep still when she's thinking. She has an insatiable sweet tooth. She really is much prettier than she thinks she is.
In May, James proposes to Lily after their big Quidditch win against Slytherin. At the party in the Common Room that night, Marlene and Sirius find a quiet corner to talk. Marlene is excited for her friends and says as much to Sirius who suddenly looks very nervous. "You don't want..." he trails off, and she quickly shakes her head saying she can't even imagine being a Mrs. anything before the age of 25. Still looking a little uncomfortable, Sirius mutters to her about how he hopes she knows he cares about her, even if he's rubbish at communicating it and she assures him that she knows, she's bad at talking about it too, and as long as they both know how they feel about each other there's no reason to put it into specific words. After that, they rejoin the rest of the party, dancing more wildly and offbeat than anyone else in attendance.
In June they finish their N.E.W.T.s, they finish their time at Hogwarts, and they begin attending meetings for the Order of the Phoenix. From the very first day, they get a real sense of just how bad things are in the Wizarding World and after their third failed mission, Sirius wonders if he's actually skilled enough to do this.
They get a break from Order business in late August when their best friends marry each other. The whole day passes in a hectic, happy, champagne-clouded blur, during which Sirius accidentally admits to her that he and his friends are unregistered Animagi. He expects her to be angry with him for not telling her, but instead she just laughs and makes him promise to demonstrate the next time they're alone.
When she is sure that her older brother can take care of her two very young siblings and infirmed mother, Marlene agrees to move in with Sirius. They take a whole day off to move into their new flat even though it only takes them a few hours since they never bothered to buy more furniture than a sofa, a bed, and a kitchen table. They get curry for dinner and eat it sitting on the floor when they realize they forgot chairs for their table.
Sirius finally buys the motorbike he's been eyeing for months as a birthday gift to himself in November. He and Marlene spend all the free time they have (which isn't much) trying to charm the bike to fly and adding little features to it here and there.
They don't get a chance to celebrate Christmas. Instead, Sirius is stuck in South Wales monitoring for Death Eater activity and Marlene is in Glasgow on a rescue mission. As Marlene attempts to mend a crack in Caradoc Dearborn's skull, she clutches the locket Sirius gave her a week ago and prays that he's safe wherever he is. Sirius thinks of her and smiles before falling asleep in the tent he and Peter set up.
1979 is a whirlwind.
By February it's clear that the war is not getting any better and they are no closer to winning. Missions take longer and are less successful than ever. Marlene wishes she could go back to their time at Hogwarts when they knew what was happening, but things weren't so real. Some nights, before she goes to sleep, she nestles closer to Sirius's side, shuts her eyes, and wishes as hard as she can that when she wakes up, they will both be back in the 7th Year boy's dormitory at school and the entire war will have been a bad dream.
The Prewett twins are murdered in April and Marlene feels like she can't breathe when she finds out. Sirius holds her all night as she sobs, and suddenly she feels selfish because she knows they were his friends too. They both fall asleep with tear-tracks on their cheeks.
There is no funeral; there isn't time. At the next Order meeting everyone shares stories about Gideon and Fabian, but when it's Marlene's turn, the reality of their deaths hits her again and her chest tightens and she can't think of a single thing to say. After the meeting, she makes Sirius promise that they'll all be okay and he does it, even though he knows it's a lie-and she knows it too.
The months pass and things get more difficult. More Order members die. More Death Eaters rise. Fires are at an all-time high in Muggle towns. Dumbledore advises everyone to place stronger protective enchantments around their houses.
By June, Sirius notices that Marlene looks tired. Her never-ending supply of energy has finally run out.
By July, Marlene's gotten so used to Sirius's tight, forced smiles that she's forgotten how his face used to light up when he laughed.
By August, they've both realized that they're so often busy, they never have time to talk anymore. They go a whole week saying nothing more than "pass the butter, please."
In September, when Marlene doesn't think she could get any more tense, she gets a letter from her brother saying her mother is sick. She tells Sirius she needs to go and he begs her to stay. She calls him selfish, he calls her over-reactionary. All of a sudden they are fighting about things that never mattered before. "You're afraid of commitment," she says. "It took you months to move in with me," he responds. "You smell like a wet dog sometimes!" "You snore!"
On that night in September, it ends. She packs up a trunk as fast as she can and apparates to her mother's house, sobbing. He throws a bottle of firewhiskey at the wall after she leaves.
Order meetings are awkward for the rest of the year. Marlene does her best to sit as far away from Sirius as she can, but considering how their numbers have dwindled, that isn't very easy to do. They avoid eye contact, but Marlene twiddles with the locket in her pocket through each meeting, and Sirius thinks about how he now sleeps on her side of the bed.
They both try to convince themselves that they don't care. Marlene tells herself that she was never ready for real commitment anyway, and Sirius reminds himself that he had never expected for it to last half as long as it did.
James and Lily announce that they are having a baby in December and Marlene is happy for them, but has to fight off a bit of sadness at the thought that that will never be her and Sirius.
1980 picks up where 1979 left off.
The Order is still fighting but they're not quite as spirited as they once were. Sirius feels disconnected. Marlene feels discontented.
They go on missions, but not much happens. Their wounds are now scars and calluses. Loss and destruction have little effect because they just don't feel pain like they used to.
Perhaps it is that numbness that causes Sirius to take on five Death Eaters single-handedly in October.
Marlene is at Order Headquarters when she hears the crack of Apparation. James and Remus appear, supporting a slumped-over Sirius. They explain quickly how Travers nearly killed Sirius and Marlene realizes with a start that her feelings haven't changed, that she misses Sirius more than she ever thought possible, that him dying is her worst nightmare. She grabs her wand and shoos James and Remus out of the room-she is better at healing than the both of them combined. She kneels beside him and sets to work.
She is still there hours later when he wakes up with an aching arm and a raging headache. She is about to start talking but he beats her to it, saying, "Marlene, I love you." She tells him he doesn't mean it but he swears he does. He tells her he should have said it sooner, he made a huge mistake, he should have chased after her in September. She says she never should have left him. They spend the night on the sofa.
The next morning she asks what happens next, and Sirius asks her to move back in. She says she can't, says she needs to stay with her family, and voices her concern at jumping back into a relationship after how poorly they handled things the last time.
"If you hadn't noticed, love, now's really not the best time for romance," he says, and she agrees, so they settle on something much more casual. They're not in a position where date nights and domesticity are possible, but they do have time for quick visits and coded letters. They don't need to publicize anything, it's best if they don't: there are whispers of a traitor in their midst.
The year passes with them meeting in Muggle bars on days off and going back to Sirius's place to spend the night. Order meetings are strained now for a different reason as they have to tamp down their urges to stare or snog or rip off each other's clothes right then and there. Once they are alone, they talk and laugh in ways that they haven't since they were in school. They realize just how distant they had become last year. They relearn each other's minds. They relearn each other's bodies. Everyday is a grim, dark struggle but they are each other's little pockets of light.
In 1981, Dumbledore suggests everyone go into hiding.
Sirius and Marlene realize this means they'll have even fewer chances to see each other, but they deal with it because this is war and they must do what needs to be done.
They still manage to see each other a few times a month, but surprisingly, their meetings become less physically intimate. They realize that when faced with such limited time together, they would rather spend that time talking than having a quick shag. So they talk about everything. They discuss about their friends. They talk about Harry who is so small and innocent and unlucky to have been born into this war. They talk about what they'll do when the war is over. They just never talk about the possibility that they might not make it out alive.
In June, they realize just how much has changed since their first kiss behind a tree in Hogsmeade. Marlene's arms are covered in scars and Sirius's back hurts him when it's cold out. They are sadder than they used to be and they feel at least ten years older than they are. Many of their friends are gone and so is any innocence they had left.
Yet, at the core of it, they are still Sirius and Marlene. Marlene still talks too loud and Sirius still makes ridiculous claims about himself and they still think that strong words like "love" should be used sparingly. They rant to each other about how difficult lying low is-and it is hard for two people who love to be as big as they do to keep quiet. They miss strutting around the castle with their broomsticks. They miss the times prefects caught them in broom cupboards. They miss the lives they always wanted to have. But at least they are living and that's something.
In 1981 on July 15th, it ends with a violent fight and a deadly curse.
Sirius wakes up with a deep sense of foreboding. He feels sick all morning but fights it down. He goes to the teashop Marlene had agreed to meet him at, but when he's been waiting for three hours and she still hasn't shown up, his unease from the morning returns.
He goes to his flat in a bit of a panic. An owl is waiting for him and it holds a letter from Emmeline Vance.
With trembling fingers he opens it.
He's no more than three lines into the letter when his worst fears are confirmed.
His friend, his ex, his secret lover, is dead and a flame has been extinguished that can never be relit again.
Sirius runs to the bathroom and throws up for an hour.
The weeks pass with a dull ache.
He hates that they never got to have another shot at a proper relationship. He hates that she won't see the end of the war. He hates that all he has left of her is a shirt she left in his room, a drawer full of letters, and a note she gave him before Christmas six years ago.
It has ended right as they were re-starting.
In 1996, it has the chance to begin again. Sirius falls through a veil and he lands in what looks suspiciously similar to King's Cross. He boards a train, and finds himself standing on what looks very much like the Quidditch pitch at Hogwarts. He is confused, but doesn't mind it because for the first time in years, he doesn't feel stressed or worried or scared-he can't even imagine what those things feel like. He sees James and Lily and his mood lightens even more. He hears a noise above him, so he looks up, and there, flying twenty meters in the sky, blonde curls bouncing and laugh ringing, is Marlene Mckinnon, yelling something that sounds a lot like "Come and catch me if you can, Black!"