An American at Hogwarts?

This is a parody, in case you skimmed the heading. I have actually seen more than nineteen stories with this exact title. So, this is ME, making fun of those who write such trite, contrived self-insertion fics. Sadly, I have seen much worse. I have decided not to put in the bad grammar and spelling that usually accompanies such fics, for clarity's sake.

This is my homage to the Mary-Sues of Harry Potter, particularly, the dreaded AMERICAN EXCHANGE STUDENT. There is much mystery involving her background.

Is she a veela?
Is she Harry's twin sister?
Is she the love of Draco's life!
Is she a Quidditch champion?
Does she have hidden magical powers of glory!
Is she the heir of Slytherin! And Gryffindor! And Jesus?
FIND OUT!

You'll notice a (not so) gradual shift from normal to completely inane.

Chapter 1: The American Girl

"Ron! Harry!" Hermione waved cheerily at her boys as they trundled towards the Hogwarts Express.

"Hey 'mione." Ron shrugged over and gave her a hug. Harry leaned his head against them.

Hermione stepped back.

"I've already got us a compartment. You two are so late! Apparently, you've spent the summer together but Ginny is conveniently not here!" The whistle for the last call blew, and they hurried inside.

"So, anything new?" Harry inquired.

"Well, there's a war on. We're trying to defeat the greatest Dark wizard of all time." She paused. "But that's not fun!"

"Right!" Ron chimed. "Harry probably already defeated him! With telekinetic, psychopathic, shapeshifting powers!"

"Mostly!" Harry cried.

"So, on to the important stuff. Yay!" Hermione squealed, for effect. She leaned in and glanced around suspiciously. Nobody noticed this freakishly rapid facial change. They were too busy trying to get their eyes to go as wide as possible. For drama's sake.

"Tell us already! We are nosy gossips and we forgot how to act like boys!"

"Okay!" She cried. "Did you hear about the American Exchange student?"

The boys shook their heads dutifully. "No! We don't know anything you haven't told us!"

"Well, it's obviously the most important thing that's going on in our lives. And because we don't have time to sit around and act normal, I think that's her barging in right now!" The compartment door was busting open as she finished her sentence.

"Shut it Mudblood, it's just me." A blonde head poked in.

"Yeah, it's just Draco." Ron agreed.

"Malfoy," corrected Harry.

Draco looked over at Hermione in exasperation. "Do you know if we're getting on or not?"

She looked thoughtful for a moment as the boys waited patiently.

"I imagine not. It'll be more woe for the American if she has to choose between the Slytherins and the Gryffindors. So go away!"

"Yes Ma'am! Oh, before I go, I'm snotty and therefore privilege to information you lot don't know about. I must rub it in your face!"

"As per usual!" Hermione cried.

They high-fived.

"Right. So, apparently, the American Girl is a veela!"

"NO!" Ron and Harry cried.

"Surely not, no!" Hermione added.

"Yes! She will be hypnotizing people left and right and every slightly attractive boy (and girl) will be bumbling to be near her! All three of you will be smitten! Plus, she's totally an EMO veela! Silver hair and silver SAFETY PINS!"

Harry considered a moment.

"That is either completely ridiculous and implausible, or 'rully hott'." They waited for him to decide. Malfoy glanced at his watch.

"Well... apparently it's RULLY HOTT! Omg, I can't wait to see her! She probably knows ALL ABOUT dark magic, art and also music! And probably also has cool powers and a destiny!"

"Harry. Did you just say 'omg'?" Hermione glared at him.

"No! Yes. Uhm… aren't I allowed to?"

"Well, seeing as it doesn't have a vowel and I don't see how you'd pronounce it…" Hermione trailed off. "HECK YES!" They squealed in delight.

"Alright!" Ron cried. Just because he hadn't had a line in a little while.

Malfoy looked to join in their laughter but remembered to smolder instead. His eyes are gray, remember, so he must be very good at it.

"Oh yeah, and she might look like she's related to me, so there's some mystery. My girlfriend? My sister? YOU WON'T KNOW!" And with an evil cackle, Malfoy swept out, never mind the lunch cart lady.

"He forgot Crabbe and Goyle." Ron noted. The two gooey lumps flopped over on the carpet, flailing. Harry nudged them under the seats.