a/n: ok so i didn't research this topic at all. but we had to do an in class essay on it and this idea just popped into my head. i hated that i had to do this but i figured if it had to be anyone, it would probably be her. R&R por favor!
disclaimer: sadly i don't own degrassi...or mike lobel. and that just makes me cry...on the inside where it counts
I was numb. I sat down and looked around, still in a daze. I couldn't believe that everyone had showed up for this…it was just unreal. Tons of people came by and pat me on the back, people that we weren't even friends with. I sat with Paige, who was crying her eyes out and beside her was Ellie. The two finally got along, put aside their differences for once and clung to each other. They looked at me, tears streaming down their faces and tried to smile. I just shook my head and looked straight ahead. The place was packed and people were still coming in. As the pastor started up the aisle, I started to daze off in my mind.
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I sat down awkwardly and looked around. I looked up and saw her. Black hair in her eyes, talking to some guy with red hair. I looked at her enough and she glanced at me.
"Take a picture," she said sarcastically.
"I would if I had a camera," I replied.
She rolled her eyes and turned back around. She was beautiful, in that undiscovered thinking that she's a hard ass but you can tell that deep down she's not. The bell rang and we both stood up. I quickly got in front of her and stopped, pretending to be reading the bulletin board.
"Move," she said brushing her hair out of her eyes, sticking her hands on her slim waist.
"I'm busy," I said going back to reading.
"Right…the lunch schedule is just sooo exciting," she replied.
I looked back at the board and discovered that I was, in fact, reading the lunch menu.
"I happen to love…" I trailed off looking at the menu again quickly. "Pasta."
She smirked. "What do you want?"
"Nothing…"
"What's your name again?"
"What's yours?" I fired back.
"I asked you first", she said crossing her arms and giving me that don't mess with me look.
"Jay. What's yours?"
"Not Jay, that's for sure," she smirked as she walked away. I followed her out of the classroom.
"Hey! That's not fair!"
"Oh what are you gonna go cry now?" she faked a cry face and laughed as she turned around.
"Over you? Please," I snorted.
"It's Alex," she tossed over her shoulder at that as she turned the corner. I stood there and smiled. I had her. She gave me her name. I talked to her. First day of seventh grade and I already had a gorgeous chick talking to me. I was in good this year. From that day on, it was pretty much set that me and Alex were together. We would cause trouble together, eat together and sit together. We never really sat down and talked though, that was another story all together. We would only talk about what so-and-so was doing that day or how Ms. Hingemark was being a bitch that day. Then that fateful day happened. The day that I knew I not only liked her, but was pretty much falling in love with her.
"Woah! Alex, what happened?" I exclaimed as she sat down on the bus next to me quietly.
"Nothing," she muttered looking out the window. I stared at her. Her arms were scratched up and by her breathing pattern it seemed as if she was crying. I grabbed her chin softly and made her look at me. I recoiled when I saw her and gasped. Her cheek had a dark purple bruise on it and her eye was puffy.
"That's not nothing," I said quietly looking in her eyes. She looked like she was about to cry right there on the bus in front of everyone.
"I just…got in a fight. Chill out ok?"
"With who?"
"What?"
"Who'd you get in a fight with?" I demanded.
"No one ok?" she snapped. "Just some…dumbasses that live in my building."
"Who?" I demanded louder.
"Jay! Knock it off ok? Why the hell is this so important you to anyways?"
I didn't have an answer for that one. I couldn't tell because she'd been on my mind every day for the past two weeks. I couldn't tell her that I was falling for her. That would be in the don't tell Alex category.
"Whatever," I grumbled as I sank down in my seat beside her staring out the window. She didn't want my help, fine. Whatever, I wasn't going to give it to her.
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"Jay? Are you ok?" a voice hissed in my ear. I turned to see Craig sitting behind me, genuine concern and depression on his face. I just nodded my head, to numb to think up something I should say back. I turned back around and he patted my shoulder. Me and Craig never talked…like never. Except in class; and that was only when we had to. Still him putting forth the friendly effort somehow comforted me. I knew him and Alex had grown close…so I knew he wasn't faking this shit like so many other people were. He had feelings for her. Her and Craig had a thing, sure, but in the end, it was me who she ended up with.
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"So what are you doing this summer?"
I looked at her oddly. "Nothing…." I trailed off. Alex never asked questions like this. It was a given fact that we'd be together; we always were. Half of the school that we were together and she always beat them down for it and insisted that we were just best friends. Hopefully by the end of the summer things would be different.
"So I'll be seeing you then."
"Uhhh…yeah…" I said as I stopped walking and looked at her.
"What?" she asked as she twirled a strand of hair. I know her well enough to know that she only does that when she's nervous or unsure about something. I gave her a look and she rolled her eyes and dropped her hair and marched off towards the cafeteria. I sighed and went after her. If she wanted to pretend that she was fine, I could do that. I'd get it out of her eventually.
"Hello?" I answered the phone that night.
"Jay?" Alex said. It sounded as though she'd been crying.
"What's wrong?" I asked immediately.
"Can I come over?" she finally asked quietly.
"Umm…sure…" I said tentively.
She hung up after that and I walked half way to her house when I met her, her head looking down, arms crossed against herself protectively.
She stopped when she met me and didn't say anything or even look up for the first few minutes. I waited there, not saying anything. Finally she just walked over to me and threw her arms around me, crying her eyes out.
"Alex? What happened?" I asked starting to freak out. We had never hugged or anything before. And now here she was, holding on to me for dear life, bawling her friggen eyes out. I had never seen this girl cry before…she was always so strong.
"I hate him," she finally got out.
"Who?"
"Him!" she said vehemently. "Richard…my mom's boyfriend," she said bitterly.
"Alex, what happened?" I asked firmly but softly.
She drew away from me and finally looked up. I blanched and drew her back to my arms and just held her while she cried. Her lip was busted open, bloody nose, a black eye and the part of her chest that her shirt showed was red as well. I sat with there on the sidewalk for I don't even know how long. But as I held her and rocked her until she quieted down, I knew that I had to do this.
"Alex…" I started hoarsely.
"What?" she sniffed as she looked up at me. She was so open, so venerable right then…so not Alex.
"You're beautiful," I said without thinking as I looked at her, stroking her hair.
She snorted. "Fuck you," she said bitterly.
I shook my head to rid myself of my idea. "Fine," I said as I started to get up. I left her sitting there on the sidewalk, looking after me.
"Jay!" she called.
I turned around. "Ummm…could I stay…" she didn't finish her sentence.
I sighed but then nodded. Mom was off with Jack tonight anyways. She said she'd be home by 12 at the latest so she'd be too tired to care tonight. She got up and followed me, silently.
"I meant what I said," I said quietly as I looked at her out of the corner of my eye.
"Right."
I stopped. "Alex…"
"Jay just don't ok? I get shit all day from my mom and Richard, you're the one that I can just be around and be…me. I knew this was a mistake," she muttered the last part to herself as she started to turn around.
"Where are you going?"
"Somewhere. Why do you care?"
I caught her arm and spun her back to me.
"Jay, what the-"
I cut off by kissing her. I had been waiting months to do that. Now it was either be kissed or punched. I seriously rooting for the first part. She pulled away and looked at me, confusion on her face.
"Sorry," I murmured.
"For?"
I turned to look at her. She had this smirk on her face.
"What?" I demanded. She stalked up to me and kissed me back. At first I was surprised, but after a few minutes I relaxed and put my hands on her hips.
"Jay?" she asked a few minutes later.
"Alex?"
"Do you think that…we could go out or something sometime?" she asked awkwardly. I just laughed. She had no idea.
"What? I don't get it…"
I shook my head. "Alex, I'm already in love with you!" I exclaimed.
She stopped short and stared at me. "Excuse me?"
I just nodded.
"So that's why you got so angry…"
"Well that and you're my friend. I don't let people fuck with my friends…especially you."
"I can handle myself thanks."
"No shit. Still…"
She caught up to me and grabbed my hand. "So are we going home or what?"
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Ellie got up and moved to the front of the church, nervously. She was never good at speaking in front of people. She got up to the mike and cleared her throat.
"Alex was my best friend. She was always there for me whenever I had a problem. She'd talk to me for hours…half the time we didn't even talk. We just sat together. And now she's gone. I don't understand how this happened," she said tearing up. "I mean I just saw her like two days ago and she was so happy! For once in her life everything was going right. Her and Jay had found a place, they were getting married…she was smiling. Alex was smiling. Do any of you know how rare it is for Alex to friggen smile?" she asked as she looked at me. I was crying now, but not doing a damn thing to stop it. "She was a great person. I know that half of you think that she's just some sort of…bitch…but she's not. She was afraid of people; and apparently with good reason," she said as she ran off the stage and sat back down next to me. She grabbed my hand and held on tight as Paige moved to the front next. Me and Ellie got along ok but were never best buds. We got after each other a lot, but I know that Alex meant a lot to her and she to Alex. But at this moment in time, I felt like she was safety net as I sat there in the pew and held on to her hand like I was never going to let go. I didn't look at her. I kept looking straight ahead, the tears rolling down my face, holding onto Ellie Nash as if she could somehow save me.
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"Get dressed," I said as I looked up as she walked in.
"Hi to you to," she said sarcastically. I ignored that and went back to my magazine. Alex had moved in a few months ago, right after I figured out that my mom only came home half the time. And when she did decide to grace us with her presence she was so drunk that she just passed out on the couch.
"Where are we going?" she asked as she walked into the bedroom.
"Out," was all I would say.
"Wow, really! Thanks so much for clearing that up."
I gave her a look and she sighed. "Ok…well what am I supposed to wear?"
"It's on the bed."
She walked in, took a look at that and came marching back out. "Jayson Marcus! I am not wearing this!" she declared holding up a short black dress with spaghetti straps. I stood up.
"Marcy picked it out."
"I don't care if the fucking Pope picked it out!" she yelled.
I walked back over to her, kissed her and gave her my puppy eyes. "Lexxi...please?" I whined. She rolled her eyes but smiled when she looked at me. I had won.
"I hate this," she said ten minutes later as she looked at herself in the mirror. She had put on the dress and heels that I found that used to belong to my sister. Her friend Marcy was in there doing her makeup and hair, much to Alex's protests. She walked out and I just stared at her. This wasn't my Alex. She shifted from foot to foot.
"Will you just say something already?"
"Damn," was all I could get out.
Marcy grinned in the background and Alex kind of scowled. "This better be good Jay," she muttered as she followed me out. I myself, had on black slacks and a blue shirt. I went with no hat, much to my chagrin and went out to my buddies car.
"So where are we going?" she finally asked.
I shrugged as I got in. "Oh you better know where! If you made me put this on for a nice drive I swear to God-"
"Just get in the car," I sighed.
She gave me a dirty look but did as I said. Half hour later we pulled up to The Ivy.
"Ok…now I'm confused…" she trailed off looking up at the restaurant.
"Happy birthday," I whispered as I walked around as she got out.
"What? Oh my God, Jay! Tell me you didn't do this!" she said stunned.
I shrugged. "Actually Marcy did. So be happy and walk," I said as I grabbed her hand. She walked in stunned silence and looked around in wonder.
"I can't believe this," she breathed. As we sat down she looked at me like a five year old in a candy store. "I never thought I'd actually come in here! I would always make fun of the rich bitches that went in here…" she trailed off.
"So we're ok?" I asked with a smirk. I knew that she would get mad at me for taking her here. Every time we pass it, she just stares at it and makes little remarks.
"Uhh…yeah,"she said with a laugh.
I grinned. I loved to hear her laugh. It was rare that she did it. "Do you even know how much better my life has gotten?" she asked me seriously looking over at me.
"Don't get all…mushy or whatever…"I groaned.
"I'm serious Jay! That day you found me walking was the day that all of it stopped!"
"Well no shit Lex, you kinda stayed with me instead of going home!"
"Do you know what it's like to sleep and not wake up in the middle of the night because you hear screaming and bottles hitting the wall?" she shot back. I winced. She had me there. I shook my head no.
"Well you took me away from all that," she whispered. "Jay…"
"Alex…come on," I groaned.
"Shut up!" she said. I sighed and sat back. I knew she loved me…she just never said it. Now she was gonna act like a little girl and get all giddy and shit just with the prospect of even saying it.
"I love you," she whispered looking right at me. I blinked. Ok, not what I expected. But then again, Alex never was.
"I know," I said as I took her hand.
"Jay the door!" Alex giggled. I struggled to open it and then flung it open. She went back to kissing me and I somehow got us back into the apartment without either one of us getting hurt.
"Bedroom" I mumbled in her mouth.
She nodded and walked there, slowly undressing on the way. I just stared after her. She had no idea what she was doing to me…and yet she did so damn well! As soon as I walked in, she jumped on me and we started making out again. This time, she started to unbutton my shirt. I quickly helped her and she fell onto me as I lied down on the bed. Sooner than later we were down to our underwear and she was working on getting hers off. We rolled over so I was on top and she tugged at my boxers. I broke contact and looked at her.
"Are you sure?"
She nodded.
"Lex…"
"Jay…shut up and just do it already before I fucking rape you!"
I laughed and threw them off and lied back down on top of her. She took over my mouth again as I let my hands roam all over her. We had been together for almost a year now and it was the first time I had gotten to see her naked. I gently went into her and she gasped.
"Are you ok?" I asked as I looked at her.
She nodded wordlessly. "Just…be careful…"
I nodded and went slowly at first until she nodded her ok and we just went for it. It took up a hour but it was definitely a hour well spent. We were laying there, my arms around her when she rolled over and looked at me.
"Thank you."
I looked at her confused. "What are you talking about?"
"For this!" she said spreading her arms wide. "I never said that to you. So thank you."
I rolled my eyes and pulled her back to me and kissed her. "I love you Lex," I murmered.
"I know. And I love you too," she smiled back in the darkness.
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"Me and Alex never got along. Well I mean at school we hated each other. Then when I got that job at the theater, it all changed. We talked, I mean we had to! We would swap boy stories and complain to each other. More often than not, if I needed honest advice, I'd go to her. Of course the second we stepped back into school it was if our friendship didn't exist…but it did. I never thought that I'd be friends with some like Alex Pandeski. She was everything I wasn't. But when you think about it, we're more alike than people think. When you got both of us, we were just trouble waiting to happen," Paige said with a sad smile. It was true though. On more than one occasion I had been conned into doing something because both Alex and Paige had gotten after me. For example…when I had the bachelor party last week, I didn't even have any strippers. I don't know how they did that one, but they were good. That's all I have to say.
"The truth of the matter is that we were there for each other. We were friends for four years. She was my best friend in all ways considered. And now…now she's gone. I don't have any one to scheme with, or talk to about things anymore. I don't have the person that would laugh at the sappy movies with me or go after the guys that have done me wrong. I'm alone…" she whispered looking around at the sea of faces. Paige and Alex had become something close to best friends, that was true. That being done, me and Paige also became somewhat close because she was just always there. I knew she wanted to get out of here but wanted to stay and defend Alex's name. Half the people in here thought that she was just some hanus bitch. Well guess what? They were wrong and I don't care if I was blue in the face, they would know it by the time they left here.
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"We're doing what?" I exclaimed.
She looked up at me and nodded. "Apparently they decided to change boundary lines or some shit for schools. So now we have to go to a different one," she sighed.
"What do you mean boundary lines?"
She shrugged. "Something that tells you what school you go to I guess. Now we have to go to Degrassi."
I rolled my eyes. That school was well known for being 'elite' if you will. They always had something happen there. Someone always won something or did something to benefit mankind.
"When do we start?"
"Next year," she said going back to eating her Lucky Charms.
I sighed and sat down across from her. "This is gonna blow," I muttered. She nodded her head still not looking up at me.
The summer came and went and before we knew it, we were standing there in front of the new school. She grabbed my hand and started walking towards it.
"Move, move, move," she was saying to people.
"Excuse you!" a blonde called out. She turned to face her. She crossed her arms and stood there, waiting for Malibu Barbie to say something else.
"God are you rude much?"
"Plastic much?" Alex shot back in the same voice. I smirked and she continued dragging me into the school.
"Alexia Pandeski and Jayson Hogart. Alright well welcome to Degrassi," the old guy was saying. "These are your schedules and someone should be here to show you around…"
"Don't bother," I said as I got up, Alex following me. The principal stood up as well, a confused look on his face.
"Sorry?"
"I said don't bother. We can find it ourselves," I said as we walked out leaving the spluttering old man behind us. We walked out and stood there looking for where to go.
"Lost?" a voice said.
"No, not caring," Alex replied as she turned around. There stood this girl with red hair, fishnets, black shirt, boots and skirt and black eyeliner. She gave us this look and shrugged.
"Actually…" I spoke up. Alex gave me a look and I ignored it. "We are."
She nodded. "Ellie," she said by way of introducing herself.
"Alex. And that's Jay."
Ellie nodded her head and grabbed our papers. "Welcome to hell guys," she muttered as she led the way to our first class. Maybe this girl isn't so bad I thought to myself.
Sooner than later we had our established setting. During the morning we would meet with Ellie and this other kid, Towerz. Everyone pretty much left us alone, much to Alex's delight. She noticed Emma Nelson staring at us with distaste so she turned to me and kissed me right then in the hallway. She looked back at her with a smirk and she rolled her eyes in disgust and walked away.
"I love doing that," she murmured. I smiled.
"Watch it!" some guy yelled as I ran into him.
"What?"
"What are you deaf? I said watch it," he said as he walked away.
"Who the hell do you think you are?" I demanded as I caught his shirt and slammed him into a locker. He turned to me, eyes blazing and started throwing his fists. And that was the day that I met Sean Cameron. Ironically after that we were best friends. And that's how it was. Me, Alex, Sean, Ellie and Towerz. Nobody fucked with us…they barely even glanced at us. And that's how we liked it.
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Out of the corner of my eye I saw Emma fidget and look at me. I ignored her. After what happened our junior of high school, I kept a twenty foot radius from her. I knew that she would still go for me, it was obvious and everyone saw it. But I could only be with Alex…at least until now.
"What does she want?" Paige hissed in my ear.
I shrugged and looked at her. Paige started to get up but I yanked her back down.
"Jay!"
"Paige, it's in the past ok? It was four years ago…it doesn't matter anymore," I muttered. She rolled her eyes but sat back with a huff. She flipped her blonde hair and glared at Emma until she looked away.
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"Same time tomorrow?" Emma breathed in my ear.
I nodded, wordless. She smoothed her skirt down and got out of the van, looking back and winking at me. I sighed as I looked around. I got out and drove home.
"Where have you been?" she asked as I walked in. She smiled slightly at me to let me know that she wasn't mad and I sighed in relief.
"Umm…over at Seans…" I faltered.
She rolled her eyes and went back to watching TV. I kissed her head and went into the bedroom. I sat down on the bed and rubbed my hair. If only she knew what I was doing…she would kill me. I'd be dead. Luckily, we were both careful and nothing had happened.
"HEY!" she yelled as she saw me the next morning with Sean.
I looked at her and my heart sank. I was in deep shit now…
"Hey," I said as she walked up.
"What the fuck did you do with Amy?" she said as she shoved me. I regained my balance quickly and looked at her.
"What?" I asked feigning confusion.
She threw a handful of bracelets at me. "Remember these? Prizes? What the fuck Jay? Prizes for screwing them?" she was getting louder now and still standing across from me, arms crossed, pissed to all hell.
"It wasn't like that…" I started.
"Oh really? Then what was it like? Because I'm dying to know."
I didn't say anything…I couldn't. She caught me.
She shook her head and walked off. Then a second later, almost as an after thought she came back to me and slapped me hard. "Don't ever fucking touch me again," she said through clenched teeth.
I rubbed my face, where she had hit me and turned to look at Sean who was looking at the ground. I started after her.
"Alex!" I called out.
She burst into the gym, where practice for the play was going on. Oh shit…Amy was in here…so was Emma…
"Hey best friend Amy!" she called out.
JT sighed and rolled his eyes. "Alex, could you wait please? She's in the middle of her scene."
"You want a scene JT? I'll give you a fucking scene!" she said as she walked up and punched Amy in the face.
"Alex!" Liberty yelled getting up.
"What the hell!" Amy yelled getting up.
"So what, I'm not there and you think it's just ok to go down on my boyfriend!" she yelled out. The place got deathly quite and I stood behind her, not quite sure of what to do. I noticed Emma in the corner, quickly taking off her bracelets so Alex wouldn't come after her too.
"Did anyone else here sleep with him?" she asked looking around. Manny was looking at Emma, surprise and disgust etched on her face. Alex saw that and glared at Emma, who avoided her like the plague.
"Cause girl? Did you too?" she asked strangely calm.
Emma didn't say anything but Manny backed up a few steps. She started stalking towards but I grabbed her arm. She whirled around towards me.
"Don't fucking touch me! I swear to God I'll deck you again," she said as she took a look at JT's face and just walked out. I stood there not really sure of what to do. After a few minutes I went after her, leaving everyone behind.
The next days were some of the worst of my life. I hated that I did that to her. I hated that I made her cry. I hated that I thought I was so cool as to where I wouldn't caught. I knew that I deserved this but I couldn't take it. I saw her at school, hanging out with Ellie and Craig and Marco, smiling and going through her day. I was outside smoking a cigarette as she breezed past me without even looking.
"Lex," I spoke up.
"Fuck you," she said as she slowed down.
I smirked. I got to her…she wouldn't have slowed down if I didn't.
"Come on…talk to me."
"Nothing to say," she muttered, still avoiding my glance.
"I'm sorry ok?"
She snorted. "Oh so glad to know that your conscience is good now."
I grabbed her arm. "Talk to me!"
"And say what? Say that you made me cry for a week straight? Or how about for the first time in three years I actually felt like I used to when I was younger? Is that what you want?" she demanded, her voice getting progressively louder.
I winced and drew back.
"What you thought that'd I'd be fine? Jay you saved me from hell! You think you can just forget about me and everything would be fine? God you really are fucked up aren't you?" she snapped as she stalked away leaving me staring after her. She had never blown at me like that before. Which means that I must have really done a number on her…
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"Alex was always a strong girl. She never backed down and she never shut up," Marco was saying as the whole church quietly tittered. I rolled my eyes. Leave it to Marco to try and make people feel better. But this time it wouldn't work.
"She gave everything her all. And most importantly she was a great girl with a heart under many layers. And I want to thank her for sharing that with me." He was right about one thing, Alex was definitely strong and pig headed. But there were also times when she let her guard down. And that didn't happen in front of just anyone.
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I heard someone gasping for air around the corner. I slowed down and stopped as the gasps turned into tears. Alex. I slowly came around and walked up to her. I gently touched her, pain in my eyes for hurting her like this. She jumped a mile and whipped around.
"Jesus Jay!" she yelled as she wiped her eyes angrily.
I immediately backed up and stood a little bit behind her. "What the hell are you my stalker?" she demanded.
"Alex…"
She didn't even look at me. She had her hair in her face as she gathered her books and tried to leave. I blocked her way.
"Talk to me," I demanded softly.
"Doesn't this seem familiar," she muttered looking away. "Jay, I have nothing to say to you ok? You…hurt me. You broke me," she whispered.
"I'm sorry Lex. I don't know what else to say anymore…" I trailed off.
"Yeah well sorry stopped working in my life about ten years ago," she threw back making a reference to Richard. I nodded.
"You're right."
She just looked at me. "No, you're right. I'm shit for what I did to you and I know that sorry doesn't work. But I don't know what else to do. Alex, I love you ok? All I want is for us to be like we used to be."
"Yeah well that's never going to happen. Because I don't love you."
"So what? You cry just for kicks?" I asked getting frustrated.
"That stopped being your damn business the day you fucked little Ms. Do-good over there ok?"
I stared after her. Out of all the years that we knew each other, I had only seen her cry twice. This being the third. I sighed and walked to my next class.
"Jay!" someone pounded on my door. I groggily got out of bed and opened it to find Ellie standing there, panicking.
"What?"
"It's Alex. She was supposed to be home like three hours ago and I haven't seen her…"
Ok she got my attention, I was awake then. "Why are you telling me this?" I muttered as I turned on a light.
"Because you care about her! Or at least I thought you did."
"She's made it pretty damn clear she wants me to die," I laughed bitterly.
"Fine. But if she dies tonight then it's on your head," she snapped as she headed towards the door.
"El," I stopped her. She turned back around.
"Wait," I said as I went back to my room. I came back out in a few minutes later, jeans and a t-shirt thrown on, tugging my shoes on. She caught my eye and nodded, not saying anything.
"I'll take downtown," I offered.
"Umm…I'll…."she trailed off helpless.
"Get Sean to search all the places she would usually go," I put in. She nodded her head. I took off then and sped downtown. She might not be down here, but you never know. After a hour of driving around, I was ready to head home. She probably showed up back at Ellie's anyway and I was driving around like a moron. Something in the park caught my eye and I slowed down. A group of guys in a circle. Seeing as how I used to be one of those guys that would be in a circle, I knew that wasn't good. I stopped the car and headed over there.
"Oh come on…we won't hurt you," one of the guys was saying.
She glared at him and swung her arm, one of the guys from behind caught it.
"Now that's not nice!" they laughed as one of them started walking closer to her. She closed her eyes and held her breath. He touched her stomach and she almost puked up her lunch. Suddenly he wasn't there anymore. Neither was the one that was holding her. She opened her eyes and stared. I had pulled one of them off her and punched him with all my might in his face. He sprawled to the ground as one by one they all started to form a circle around me.
"Oh shit," I muttered. She was safe though, that was all I cared about. I slugged one of the guys and his buddy got me in the stomach. I coughed and leaned over, which gave the other one the opportunity to knee me in the face.
"Stop!" she yelled as she came up to us. One of them held her back.
"No, no princess. You get your turn after," he cooed to her. She looked away and tried to fight him. He opened a knife against her stomach and she blanched and stood still. If it was possible, my heart stopped. I stopped fighting and took in the image. Suddenly there were lights behind us and they all scattered. The one that had hold of Alex grabbed her ass before he ran. I sat down on the ground and Alex stayed where she was, still trying to catch her breath. Finally she came over to me.
"What the hell are you doing here?"
"Ellie came over," I said looking up at her.
"And?"
I rolled my eyes. "Alex knock it off ok?"
She looked away. "Thanks…" she trailed off. I looked at her and grabbed her chin.
"I don't need this…" she said looking at me straight in the eyes.
"I don't care," I said back as we both drew closer together. Slowly but surely our lips connected and it felt like I was home again. Like I was whole and alive.
"Don't expect this to happen every night by the way," Alex suddenly put in.
"Good…I don't think I can fight every damn night!" I replied. She rolled her eyes and stood up with me. I grabbed her hand and she turned to face me.
"Going home?" she asked.
I kissed her and we went to the car. The world was alright again…or so I thought.
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"And now Alexia's father would like to say a few words," the pastor was saying. He had to be shitting me. Richard was there and was going to say something. The three of us tensed up and Paige looked like she was ready to hurl her little stiletto's at his face.
"Alex was always a great daughter. Even though I'm only her step, I love her as my very own, "he said as tears started to form in his eyes.
"Bullshit!" I said out loud glaring at him. He looked at me with a warning glance and cleared his throat. A few people stared at me, but not many.
"As I was saying," he went on. "Alex was a smart, beautiful girl. She always had something to say and wasn't afraid to say it," he said with a smile. That was it. I stood up and started walking to the front. Every single eye in the church was on me and Ellie and Paige both stood as well.
"Get the fuck out of this church," I muttered to him as I approached him.
"Excuse me?" he asked, laughing for the benefit.
I swung my arm back but it was caught by Ellie. "Jay don't ok?" she said. "You don't wanna end up like her do you?" she asked looking directly at his face. His eyes narrowed and he looked at us.
"I don't know what you're talking about."
"Right. That's why Alex moved in with me in middle school right!" I yelled.
His eyes took on that cold hard gleam that I had seen before. So had Alex, and this is what happened to her.
"Just leave ok?" Ellie said stepping between us, staring up at Richard.
"Alex was my daughter ok? I most certainly will not leave!"
"Why not? I mean think of all the things you've done to her before…and all she wanted was for you to leave. You can't even do her that favor now can you?" I asked in disgust as I started to walk away.
"Hey!" he yelled. I turned around as he came charging down the steps towards me. He made a fist and Paige gasped but I didn't flinch.
"Do it. Show everyone how much you loved her," I hissed. At that he stopped and just walked out without a backwards glance. Everyone started the murmuring and I sat back down.
"What was that?" Heather Sinclair leaned forward to ask.
"What's gonna happen if you talk to me again," Paige retorted.
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I put my hands over her eyes and forced her forward.
"Where are we going?" she demanded as she walked.
"You'll see," was all I would say.
It was summer after our senior year and I knew what I had to do. Paige and I had been planning this for a month now. Five minutes later I took my hand off her eyes. She looked around.
"We're on a sidewalk…"
I nodded. She had no idea.
"What is this?" she asked confused.
I walked up to her and put my hands on her slim waist. "Where we got together," I replied as I kissed her.
She rolled her eyes although I could tell she was pleased. "Now who's getting mushy?" she asked.
I shrugged. "I have my reasons."
"Oh really?"
"Really."
"Care to share?"
I looked at her and then looked around her. Paige told me to bring her here and then let nature take it's course. Hopefully nature wouldn't bring me any rain…
"Alex…" I trailed off as I looked back at her.
She looked at me.
"Will you marry me?" I asked her softly. She was quiet.
"Are you serious?" she asked me softly, equally as serious as I was. I just opened my eyes and to look at her letting her know that I was.
"Jay I…"
I closed my eyes and looked back down.
"Yes!" she finally yelled out.
"What?"
I looked up at her. "Yes!" she shouted again as she locked her arms around me. I grinned and kissed her. I just asked Alex to marry me. And she said yes. Could it get any better than this? I slipped the small ring on her finger and she stared at it and then back at me. She never wore anything with jewelry before and we never gave each other anything before. She looked back and forth for another minute and then kissed me.
"I love you," she whispered.
"Now who's getting mushy?" I joked.
"Oh you better believe it," she replied grinning lazily.
"I have to tell Paige and El," she said happily as we approached the apartment.
I nodded with a smile on my face. She opened the door and screamed as people jumped out at her screaming congratulations. She looked at me and I shook my head and her two best friends stood up from behind the couch, with huge grins on their faces. Alex made a bee line straight for them and Spinner and Sean came up to me.
"You suck, you know that right?" Spinner asked.
"What?"
Sean nodded. "Yeah he's right. Because now that's all we're gonna hear!"
I just grinned. "Oh lord. Sean, he's smiling," Spinner groaned. It was a joke between the three of us that I never smile. The only time I smiled is when something bad just happened to the two of them. Sean clapped me on the back and the party kicked into gear. Tracker made an appearance every once in a while; mostly to consume and provide alcohol and the party lasted until the small hours of the morning.
"I'm soooo tired," Alex giggled as she leaned on me. All of us were drunk off our asses. Spinner and Paige were on the chair, making out and Sean and Ellie were attempting a conversation with us. Soon my eyes started to fall and the next thing I knew, a train had hit my head and it was shining its bright light in my eyes.
"Holy shit shut the blinds!" I yelled.
"Don't yell!" Spinner yelled at me as he stumbled up to the blinds. That day was spent in a drunken daze, trying to work off one of the worst hangovers any of us had ever had. For the most part, we laid low and just hung out. I spent the day with Alex on the couch mostly, sleeping. That was one of the worst hangovers I had…but for one of the best reasons.
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I stood up slowly and walked up. It was my turn. I didn't want to do this at all…but at the same time I did. I cleared my throat and walked up to the podium.
"Half of you shouldn't even be here," I blurted out as I looked around. A few people looked around confused but I didn't falter. "No, half of you didn't even know Alex, let alone like her. You all thought that she was just some sort of bitch on a warpath. Well guess what? She wasn't. She was a great girl. She was everything I ever wanted. She was smart, she didn't take crap from anyone, she had a heart and wouldn't let anything bad happen to her friends. She always said what she felt, whether you liked it or not. I don't know why she put up with me," I said softly. "I never did anything for her. I can't even remember the last thing I said. I don't think I told her I loved her. Or that I was happy. We were getting married the beginning of next month. We had our own parties a few weeks ago and she somehow managed to talk me out of getting escorts. I don't know how she did that, but she did," I said with a sad smile on my face. I looked at Paige and Ellie who were attempting to smile through their pain but not succeeding. "I knew her. Paige knew her. Ellie knew her. Craig and Marco knew her. But the rest of you…no. You saw her and stayed out of her way. Those that knew her, loved her. She could always make my day better, no matter what. We had our fights sure, but I always loved her. The time that I found her crying after we broke up ate me alive inside. I knew from right then that I wanted to spend my life with her. And I would have too," I got out before a tear rolled down my cheek. "And instead, all I have to thank is her step father for making her this way. So thanks Richard, you took away my life. My reason to live…I have nothing now. Thanks for that," I said softly as I trailed off. After a few minutes I realized that I was still there and slowly walked off. I again had my death grip on Ellie as the pastor walked up to say his final words.
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"I'm going to my mom's," she called out to me. I stuck my head out the door.
"Alex, I'm not sure about this…" I said as I spat the toothpaste out.
"No I'll be fine. He's not there and besides, I like my mom. I loved her. It was him that deserved to rot in hell. So I'll catch you later," she said as she walked up and gave me a quick kiss. She made a face at the taste of the toothpaste and walked out. That was four hours ago. I knew there was no way in hell that Richard hadn't come by now. It was seven o'clock in the evening and I hadn't heard a word from her. I picked up the phone and called her cell. No answer. If I remembered the number to her house I would have called that but I didn't know it off the top of my head. But I remembered where it was. She said she got along with her mom…so I figure, why not meet her then? I climbed in and started there. I pulled up to a house with ambulances and police cars around it.
"No…" I muttered as I broke into a sprint towards the house.
"Jay!" her mother called. I whirled around to see a women in her middle fifties crying her eyes out. We had never met before but I knew from pictures that was her. And the fact that I was bolting to the house and the women that was bawling her eyes out called me over.
"What happened? Where is she?" I automatically asked.
"Richard came home early…he saw Alex and…"
All the sudden the cops came out with Richard in handcuffs.
"You!" I yelled as I rushed towards him. "What did you do!" I screamed.
A cop put a hand on my shoulder, attempting to restrain me. I brushed him off and started towards him again.
"I swear to God if you hurt her…"
"Excuse us!" the medical team called out as the started towards us, stretcher out and occupied. I got into the ambulance without another thought and gripped her limp hand. This couldn't be right. Alex would never give up like this. No matter what she would always fight. And what was he doing there anyways? I thought he was supposed to be out of town…
"Jay?" she breathed painfully as she opened her eyes a little bit.
"Baby I'm right here," I said as I got down on my knees to look at her.
"I'm so sorry," she whispered.
"Shhh…it's ok. You're gonna be fine," I said, fear and tears clouding my vision. I had this gut feeling that she wouldn't be ok. Looking at her pale face, barely alive and her eyes that were barely open, I couldn't help it. I started to cry.
"I love you," she said again.
"No! Alex don't do this…"
She gave my hand a limp squeeze and then let it got slowly and closed her eyes.
"Alex? Lex?" I called out frantically. One of the attendants gently pushed my back in my seat and attempted to see what was wrong with her. However, at about that time, the heart monitor also flatlined. One of the guys worked diligently for a few more minutes before finally giving up. At that time, the ambulance stopped and doors were being opened.
"I'm sorry Jay, there was nothing else we could do…." The guy was saying to me as Ellie came screeching up to the curb. Her and Sean ran over and immediately pelted me with questions about what was going on. I couldn't say anything. I couldn't breath. I just stood there, shock written on my features and stared after the people that had wheeled her away.
"Jay!" Ellie was screaming, shaking me.
I shook my head to rid myself of the daze and looked down into her fear filled eyes. I removed her hands off me, passed her to Sean and walked away quietly, slowly. At that point Ellie was having a breakdown, I could hear her. But I needed to get away. I didn't care where I went or how I got there.
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Paige stood on my right, Ellie and Sean on my left. Her mother stood in front of me. We all stood there and watched Alexia Rachel Pandeski be laid to rest in the ground. Her mother clung to the casket as tears rocked her body.
"I just found her! I just found my baby and now she's lost!" she sobbed. Richard tried to put his arms around her but she just looked at him, livid as hell and walked away. The cops decided that they didn't have any evidence that Richard had in fact killed Alex. But I knew the truth. We all did. Alex told her mom about getting married and then Richard came home drunk and found her. He was the same old angry man and decided that taking off nine years warranted a beating. Well he did this time…so well in fact that she left us all.
One by one, people started to leave until it was just Spinner, Paige, Ellie, Sean and I. Paige dropped a bouquet of red roses on the coffin, let her tears fall on it for a minute before Spinner dragged her away. Sean, however was smarter than that. He knew Ellie wouldn't leave until she was good and ready. Tears were coursing down her face and she blew a kiss to her.
"I love you," she whispered as she backed up slowly, leaving me alone.
"I'm sorry I wasn't there Lexxi," I said softly as I walked up to the casket slowly. I ran my hands along it and then just let them lay where I thought her head was. "Then this never would have happened. You would still be here with me…telling me to wash my clothes and make some dinner. You were one of the best things that ever came into my life…you showed me I was worth something. You loved me, my own mother couldn't even do that!" I said as I looked down. "But you did. Without question, or trying to change me, you loved me. I would give anything to take your place Lexxi. I wish I was dead right now instead of you…you didn't deserve this. Not you. You were my better half, my angel. You were my life," I whispered as I lost it and let all my tears fall, inhibited. I didn't have any flowers or anything. But I had my heart…or what was left of it. As I stood there and cried my heart out I realized why I was here. Why I was put in Toronto. And here I was 22 years later, without her.
"Jay," a voice quietly said.
I didn't even bother to turn around. I knew that voice.
"I thought you left," I got out.
Silence. That meant no. A hand was on my back, rubbing it, trying to sooth me. It wouldn't work though. There was nothing that could fix me now but I turned to Ellie anyways and let her guide me to the car. I looked back at the casket with flowers around and got in the car. Nothing mattered, I was broken.