Save Me

by Invisible Sun

Disclaimer: The Almighty Joss Whedon and Co. own 'em. I'm just borrowing. I promise to give them back when I'm done. :)

Spoilers: Post - "Grave" Also, has minor spoiler/speculation for season 7

Keywords: Angst, S/D friendship, S/B implied

Rating: PG

Summary: Spike's back from Africa with his soul. Dawn tries to help him through his grief and guilt. But is it enough?

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It had been two months since everything went down. Since Warren shot and killed Tara. Since Willow, overcome by anger and grief, returned to the black arts full force. Since Spike attacked Buffy and left town.

Two whole long months.

Willow, though rescued from her dark self by Xander, was torn apart between her guilt and grief. Xander and Anya were now on speaking terms. Buffy had started training Dawn every other day so that she could protect herself.

Mostly, everything had been quiet. Until one day...

Spike returned to Sunnydale. He was greeted with a not-so-welcome home party. He had tried to tell them where he went, what he did. He tried to tell them he had a soul.

They didn't believe him.

Dawn had been shocked at the callous words spoken by Xander and her sister. She remembered vividly the pain and guilt and shame that fluttered across his face when Xander spat the words "attempted rapist" to him.

Spike had stumbled to his crypt and hadn't left since.

That was three weeks ago. Since then, Dawn had been sneaking out of the house at night to see him. To try to help him.

And tonight was no different. She walked confidently and determinedly to his crypt. In one hand, she held a paper bag filled with containers of pig's blood from the local butcher shop, and, in the other, a stake, ready for anything that might jump out at her.

She entered the dark crypt quietly. No candle was lit. Haven't been since that first night she dropped by. And even then, it had been her who lit them. But even those didn't last five minutes before he told her to extinguish them.

"Spike?" she called out even though it was unnecessary.

She knew he was there. She knew where in the dark crypt he was. Behind the sarcophagus. In the corner. She knew what position he'd be in, too. Back against the wall. Knees drawn to his chest. Dawn didn't think he moved from that spot since the first night.

Over the last three weeks, she watched him wither slowly away. She brought him blood every other night. She didn't think he drank it. He just let it set and go to waste.

"Spike?" she whispered.

He didn't say anything, just looked up at her with grief-stricken eyes. She dropped to her knees in front of him. She showed him the paper bag.

"Got you some blood," she said conversationally, "Figured you might need some more."

He nodded mutely but made no attempt to take the blood.

"So, uh, wh-what you've been up to?" she tried to start up a conversation even though she knew deep down it would be fruitless. He wasn't going to talk. Just stare blankly, occasionally acknowledging her.

"Does she know you're here?"

The sound of his tired voice surprised her. She wasn't expecting a response of any kind.

"W-what?"

"Does the Slayer know you're here with a monster?"

She shook her head, slowly, "No."

"Then you shouldn't be here. Shouldn't be here anyway. I'm a murderer. A-" his voice choked, "a rapist."

"But you're my friend and I want to help you."

"How can you be friends with a monster?"

"You're not a monster."

He laughed heartlessly.

"Spike?" she asked nervously.

"You should leave. You shouldn't be here. I'll be gone by sunrise."

"Spike?"

"Leave. Please," he pleaded. She saw tears form in his eyes. "You don't need to be here."

She wordlessly returned to her feet, looking at him. He buried his face in his knees.

"I'm tired of this. Want it to end," he repeated over and over.

She did as he asked and left.

She ran home. She knew what he was going to do. And she'd be damned if she was going to let him do it. She ran through the front door, not caring if she woke anyone up.

She discovered that was not necessary, however. Buffy was up. As was everyone else. The entire Scooby gang.

"Dawn! Where the hell have you been?!" Buffy yelled when she entered the living room, "You had the entire gang looking for you."

"I'm sorry," she said, still breathless from all her running.

"So? Where the hell were you?"

Dawn prepared herself for the onslaught she knew would come, "I was at Spike's."

"Spike's!" Xander exclaimed, "What the hell were you doing there?"

Dawn ignored him, instead, choosing to focus on Buffy. Perhaps she could get through to Spike. "Buffy, please, you have to help him."

"What? I don't have to do anything. And you still haven't answered Xander."

"I've been going to Spike's since he came back. Since you guys have so coldly turned your backs to him. He needs us. It's true. What he said. He has a soul. I've seen it in his eyes. And...everything he's going through right now...it's killing him... I've tried everything I could think of to try to get through to him. But nothing's worked. Buffy, please. I think he's going to kill himself when the sun comes up."

"Well, good riddance," Xander said coldly, but was again ignored.

"Please, I don't want to lose another friend," Dawn begged.

Buffy looked at her sister. She looked at the desperation on her face. She knew Dawn shouldn't have to go through the loss of yet another person in her life. She had lost so much already for someone so young.

She sighed, "Okay, I'll go."

Xander stared at her, "What?! What do you mean you'll go...after what he did to you?"

Buffy turned to him, "Yes, Xander, after what he *almost* did to me. Dawn's right. She doesn't need to lose another friend."

She grabbed her coat and was out the door.

She opened the heavy door and entered the crypt.

"I thought I told you to stay away," Spike called out, thinking Dawn had returned.

Buffy didn't say anything, just walked towards his voice. When she saw him, partially hidden in the dark, she was shocked. His face was gaunt. His eyes were sunken in. He was much too thin. His hair hung limply across his forehead. He looked like a walking skeleton.

"Spike?"

Recognizing her voice, Spike turned away from her, "Leave me alone."

She ignored his request. Instead, she moved closer. She knelt in front of him. He avoided looking at her. He looked anywhere but her. She saw the tear streaks that stained his cheeks.

"Spike," she said softer, gentler.

"Why did I let him do this to me? Why did I want this?" he muttered to himself.

"Want what?"

"This...this soul! You were right. I'm nothing but a thing. A monster... Please, just leave me alone."

"I can't do that. I can't sit by and watch you destroy yourself."

"You didn't mind it five minutes ago," he said. She looked down, ashamed. He was right. She hated it when he was right. "How can you even stand to be next to me....after what....after what I did to you."

"What you *tried* to do."

He shrugged, "Doesn't matter. I still did it. I proved you right. I'm nothing."

"You're right. It doesn't matter."

He looked away, ashamed, guilty.

She continued, "It doesn't matter because I've forgiven you."

He felt the increasingly familiar lump in his throat, "How? How can you forgive me when I can't even forgive myself?"

"I don't know. All I know is that I just do."

He felt the tears begin to fall. Sobs soon began to shake his body. Buffy wrapped her arms around his shoulders, bringing him closer to her, comforting him. "I'm sorry. I'm so sorry," he muttered over and over into her neck. She kissed his forehead. And she knew that even though that he was far from being fine, he was starting down that path. And she knew that this time, she wasn't going to cast him aside. She was going to be with him all the way.

The End.

A/N: Have you even started a fic, knowing exactly what you were going to do, then, in the end, it doesn't quite go the way you intended? Well...that's what happened here. But I think the most important thing is that I got my whole point for writing this across....