Notes: Written for Yuletide 2015 for transposable_element. Beta-ed by Alter Egon.
Since the timeline of The King of Attolia and A Conspiracy of Kings overlaps, this story fits in between Eugenides cutting the Queen's Guard by half and Sophos meeting him in that tavern.
It's based on the fact that I don't think anyone could stop his Majesty, the King of Attolia from sabotaging his enemies whenever the opportunity presents, and also the fact that my yuletide prompt asked for a lot of Costis.
The air was cold and wet, the wind was freezing, and Costis was completely uncomfortable on the main deck of the ship. It was his first time on a boat, and also the first time on sea during a storm. This already quite disagreeable situation was made more so by the foaming water rushing up from the speed, soaking him through. Also, there were the twenty-odd amazon women currently mocking him with bawdry tales.
His majesty, the King of Attolia, was somewhere alone with the Mede and Costis was never going to be able to face his Queen ever again.
This was miserable. This was terrible. He shivered in time with the beat of the cox and cursed Eugenides under his breath.
oOoOo
It hadn't been his idea, of course. The whole thing had started when the Mede fleet invaded that island Sounis and Attolia had spent centuries fighting over, but now belonged to the neutral islands just off the estuary of the Seperchia River. The strategic nature of the little isle was only offset by the natural shape of a horse shoe, paired with only one easily defendable port, smack-dab in the middle of the straits at equal distance from Sounis and Attolia. In short, a nightmare for everyone defending the mainland.
How the Medean had found out it was currently undefended, since both the Attolian and Sounean navies were engaged in a skirmish further north, was highly debatable, especially as the pirates of Eddis (which officially had no navy, because officially it's access to the sea was curtailed by the steep coastline) were patrolling the coast. The Island of Anti-Capri was technically neutral, and the Mede had slipped through the sparse patrolling without anyone noticing. Later on, Costis went on to think that Eugenides himself had maybe been the leak, because he found himself unbelievably bored doing nothing all day but painting the Queen's nails and driving his attendants up the wall.
Attolis was ensconced in the library, and so was the Queen. Costis would not have turned a hair, hadn't the Secretary of the Archives, Baron Hippas, the former secretary of the archives, Relius, and the Captain of the Guard, Teleus, been with them.
Their meeting might have been concerning the ambassador, and if it was, Costis wanted to know. His king always became irrationally vindictive by anything even periphery concerning the Mede and forewarned was forearmed.
Costis wasn't yet eavesdropping, but he was sorely tempted to, when the King opened the door to let him in.
"This is not appropriate." The former secretary of the archives told him, and Costis nodded but stayed where he was, prompting the Queen to smile tightly at him.
"My dear Relius," the King of Attolis said with a sweeping gesture of his hand, "if you continue to derail your point, I'm going to be forced to test if the distance from this window to the ground is survivable." The Queen sent the King a condemning look.
"By your leave," Relius bowed and continued. "There is no point to sending the fleet out to fail. We have no intelligence on how many ships they managed to bring in before we noticed the Eddiseans weren't holding it anymore."
"Pirates," the Baron Hippas corrected. "We have agreed to call them pirates. No offense, your majesties, but with the situation on the peninsula, it is best we don't provoke the ambassador Melheret too badly."
The King looked like he wanted to provoke the Mede badly, but after a compelling look from the Queen didn't say anything. The Queen, however, did. "If you would run the numbers again."
"We aren't going to suddenly discover ten ships fully equipped with a crew in the harbor, My Queen. This is definitely a hole in our defense we need to deal with as soon as possible."
"We are waiting on Sounis," the King said, almost pleadingly.
This was something Costis had heard a lot in the last weeks. It was significant that it turned more and more petulant the more his secretaries demanded some sort of action from him. Costis knew that insisting the king deal with something was the quickest way to disaster and chaos and he wouldn't recommend doing it. The quickest way to get Eugenides to do anything was, in his opinion, to tell him that he could not do anything to change it and leave him be.
"With all due respect, but Sophos is dead, and the Mede might have already moved in. We cannot depend on the Sounis navy to come to our aid. And should the Mede have only five ships in harbor, of any size! — that's still five more than we are prepared to deal with."
The King looked at the Queen, and the Queen looked squarely back. Costis was an uninteresting nephew to a lesser baron and had been scarcely more politically active than the rest of his extended family, but he did not know how the rest of the court did not see a strong pair of leaders — even though Eugenides slouched against the desk eerily similar to the grass-green rug hanging on the wall.
But then — there was reason enough to project an incompetent front.
Finally, the Queen spoke. "The military solution is out, of course. We cannot sustain war with anyone yet."
"Sabotage?" The Baron Hippas floated the suggestion.
"That might easily be attributed to us and lead to war." Teleus spoke for the first time, "and, of course — there are only messenger ships deployable now, since the rest is busy guarding against invasion from Sounis."
Attolis frowned. Costis' bad feeling grew. This was telling Eugenides what he could not do.
The captain added: "The Mede, Your Majesty. The civil war may be won not even a day, and the Mede could be in front of our gates coming in through Ephrata. They are familiar with the region after all."
"Figuratively, of course." Attolia added, but she did not look happy at the thought.
Costis swallowed. And it didn't help that halfway from Ephrata to the capital there was an island with an unknown number of Mede ships.
"Melheret has been mocking my attachment to the gods again," the King said. He earned a couple of perplexed looks for this aimless addition, because he had looked like he was paying attention. "Just thinking out loud. He is always so very amused by any mention of religion, or myths. He thinks they are diverting." He grabbed a book from behind the Queen, and added even more randomly, "We do have fireworks left from the temple inauguration, right?" Without waiting for an answer, he hurried out of the door.
Eugenides stuck his head back inside for another moment and said: "I may need a week or two, my dear."
Costis looked for support at the Spymaster, his Queen, the Captain — who said: "Aren't you going to follow him? Make sure he doesn't kill himself."
Costis saluted and ran after his King. He'd love to say he missed the good old days, where they only had to worry about Attolia and not what happened to Sounis and Eddis, too. Though the Queen seemed happier, and not as if she was steering a ship unerringly into the abyss.
oOoOo
Nothing happened for a while.
Costis knew his fellow guards were getting lax. Having seen Eugenides go from simpleton to magnificent King in the blink of an eye, he wasn't so easily lulled. Even the weather was perfect to calm the paranoid suspicions of the guard. The cold of winter had crept in maybe a bit harsher than usual, the sharp frost of the mornings making paying full attention to the King's antics difficult. He only became more wary, having learnt by experience that the more useless his King seemed, the more outrageous his plans grew.
Aris, who looked bemused when he told him the King was up to something, and it wasn't good, told him he was becoming worryingly similar to Legarus in that his entire livelihood depended on a single person.
Costis had snorted and replied at least he wasn't in love with that person. Aris had raised his eyebrow, and Costis, who had a disturbing flashback to the King and Queen raising their brows, had beat him soundly with a wooden sword.
"You're wrong," Legarus had said afterwards when they were again in the mess hall and the King safely in the arms of his Queen, "your livelihood doesn't depend on just one person. There's also the Captain, and the Queen who have asked after you more than once. My job security, however…" He shrugged. "It is what it is."
"Ha." Aris said and posed. "Do let us declare — Beauty is but a lease from nature." He pokes Costis in the side "Luckily Costis doesn't have to rely on his beauty. "
"There's nothing there to rely on," Costis said petulantly — was the king's manner catching?
"Tell that to your various admirers in court — nobody there admires your honor and steadfastness. It's you punching the king that's your most commented-on attribute," Legarus said teasingly.
oOoOo
When Costis returned to his quarters, there was a package waiting for him. There was nothing sinister about the package as far as he could see, but it came from his parents, and the furthest post station was miles off, so usually they sent only letters. Not only was it out of character, there had been a letter not three days ago, and guaranteeing the arrival of a package was often worth more than the insides. Costis opened the package.
This definitely wasn't sent by his parents.
It contained ten full-sized gold cups of the very finest kind — the kind of ornamental gold cups one would donate to the gods. Each of them probably worth a year's wage.
There was a knock on the door. Costis only realized when there was a second knock on the door. He cleared his throat. "Come in," he said finally.
The Lady Heiro came through the door with a smile on her face. She started to say something, then she saw the cups. "— I'm so sorry, I can come back later."
"No—" Costis hurried to say. "I mean— You are not interrupting anything. Do you know if the King—?"
Lady Heiro stopped fidgeting. "The King?" she repeated. "Did you find them balancing on your nose when you were sleeping? Were they suddenly found among your nightclothes?"
"An ordinary package from my parents, I'm afraid," Costis picked up the much more familiar letter from among 10 solid gold cups. He felt his hands tremble. This was more money than he would make in his entire service.
At first unsure, she replied: "No, I don't think so," and added, "but that's creepy."
Costis, who knew that even the guard Captain didn't know exactly where his parents lived, had to concur. "Uhh— but there was that beautiful slave lurking about, you know. The Mede's private attendant, the one with the hair?"
He had a sinking feeling in his gut, but smiled at Heiro nevertheless. "The one with the hair? Very concise."
She laughed, and it made him feel a little better.
When he returned to guard duty, the gold cups stayed on his mind; and this time, when the King repeated the often-lamented state of his coffers, Costis said without thinking: "It wasn't you then."
The King stilled, and at first Costis thought it was the lack of a title and wanted to add a quick "Your Majesty," but instead the King smiled.
The contrast to Heiro had never been larger — the King's smile was vindictive, ugly, but incredible satisfying all the same. "So he's made his move," the King said, and a shudder went through Costis.
"It is from Melheret, then." Costis can't help but state the obvious.
"Or else there is another idiot in the castle who thinks you might accept bribes." The King's smile turned insouciant. "Are you feeling bribed?"
"This is a very weird way to bribe someone, Your Majesty."
"They are of course feeling you out. Waiting if you use them, or maybe sell them privately, or maybe sell them and buy less ostentatious cups. They should have learned their lesson about gifts from Attolia, but it's probably a tactic that has worked famously in the past." His eyes twinkle, Costis thought. It was absurd, but true. "Good thing you are so honorable."
This was embarrassing. "Nobody thinks I am," Costis admitted.
The King smiled even wider. "I know," he said, "isn't it great?"
There had never been a more exasperating human being than Eugenides, the King of Attolia, Costis was sure.
oOoOo
When Costis accompanied his King on the third walk along the river shore of the Tustis in as many days, he was suspecting an all-out frontal attack of the Mede. They had lost the other three guards that openly accompanied him, by going over the roofs and through the back gardens of the capital. Costis was thinking of sending them all back to training — they ought to be used to that by now — but knew with certainty that should he turn back, Eugenides would be found again in Mede, fighting in the lion pit; or maybe in Sounis, a hostage of an ambassador; or maybe in the mountains, snowed in, until his body would thaw and dissolve into the river in spring.
Costis maybe wasn't rational about guarding his King.
It was a cold day in January. The air was much colder than usual and bristling. Even the sand under his feet was icy and crunched like tiny glass splitters if stepped on. Costis knew the situation in Sounis was precarious, but not so much so that the King had to wait at the shore for news from his various spies.
It was quite eerie, he mused. The sea was cloaked in mist and the cawing of various birds didn't help the unearthly atmosphere. (He could swear his King was jittery, the way he was moving — or maybe just cold.)
When the King started fiddling with the cuffs of his sleeves, Costis knew he should have been more suspicious. He had not noticed until now that the King wore his hook, and marginally fitting clothes.
Suddenly, his king stilled. "Costis," he said, "I have never asked, but… How do you feel about boats?"
And before he had the chance to reply, out of the murky waters came a ship, the size of a house, with grey sails accompanied by a haunting beating of drums.
Within a few minutes, people embarked from the ship and dragged it onto the shore through a clever system of ropes. Instead of helping, a lone figure hurried up to where they were standing.
As they drew nearer, Costis saw a rather plump and short woman, dressed like a soldier — dressed like a pirate — in the colors of Eddis, black and red.
She looked like the Queen Eddis, and a bit like Eugenides himself, but where he was thin, she had curves, and where he had the nervous energy of a rabid chipmunk, she had the swaying motion of the sea in her legs.
Eugenides swept his arm aside in a mockery of a grand gesture, and said: "Costis, my guard, meet my sister, Agathia."
Costis said the first thing that was on his mind — a thing that happened way to often in the presence of his King: "Does the Queen know about this?"
Agathia laughed. The King looked sour, and Costis reckoned that meant Yes.
"We are only doing a little trip," Eugenides said. "We should be back before dawn. It'll be fun! It'll get me out of that dreary castle and into the fresh air. It'll be good for me."
Costis never had the pleasure of sailing the ocean, but he doubted it was the season for doing it for fun. Costis also doubted they'd be back by sunset. Costis was in fact thinking about the King getting sogging wet, catching pneumonia, and dying by Mede. Because you should never count out the gods-damned Mede. He remembered a beard oiled into two spikes and shuddered.
"I'm going with you, My King," he said, and hoped it didn't come out quite as sour as he thought.
"Of course you are coming with," the King said despondently. "It's not like I defeated the entire Queen's guard for the sole purpose so that I won't have a litter of puppies trailing behind me."
Costis was a little insulted, but then thought of actual puppies and wasn't anymore. (He did feel like a puppy often, regardless of actually being two years older than the King.)
Agathia's company had meanwhile secured the ship on land, and had started what seemed to be a trek to pull the ship further inland. A huge figure detached itself from the ship and came over to them. As he drew nearer, Costis recognized Aulus, who had left the capital some months ago.
After hugging his King in some strange Eddisean fashion, he said gruffly: "I see you could not shake your pet. Hello, pet."
There were only about fifty men and women present and not only did they pull the ship out of the water, they continued moving it faster than Costis thought possible. "Incredible, isn't it?", Agathia told him, "A few years ago we could never have transported a war ship this fast. I'm always amazed at how technology marches on. Have you seen the new watches our brother makes? They are as small as my thumb and run almost as precise as the tall clocks."
"Where are they going?", Costis asked.
"To the sea, of course," Agathia grinned at him. She looked incredibly similar to the King. It was uncanny. "We are going to steal us some Medean ships."
Costis looked at his King, who had a small smile on his face, and then looked back at Agathia. "But why are you dragging the ship out of the river? Doesn't it flow into the sea?"
"Tides," Aulus grunted, "it's quicker to pull it out."
"The ship is made mainly out of fir," Agathia explained. "This makes it fairly light, though of course leaving the ship in the water for too long soaks the wood and sinks the ship. More importantly, it reduces speed drastically."
Costis looked at her horrified. "It sinks?"
Aulus chuckled.
"This is why we need to hurry," Agathia told him, "but never fear. We are professionals. We know what we are doing."
Costis wasn't mollified.
"I'm of course not an officially sanctioned marine," she added. "But this is what I do. Eddis does not have a navy, Eddis has me."
"The Queen of Pirates," Eugenides said in an undertone. "Do you really want to offend her?"
oOoOo
This was not how Costis ended up bound on the front of the ship. In fact, this secret mission went fairly well, despite all the dire warnings. Outrageously well, for a trip that included Eugenides.
They crept onto the island's bay with the darkness and the incoming fog. It was damp and unpleasant, and Costis felt as if it was possible to touch the light from the watchtower. It came sluggish onto the water and had an almost physical presence.
Eugenides, who noticed his nervousness, chuckled under his breath and told him: "Don't worry. Attolia built this watchtower. I know exactly what they can and cannot see."
"It seems unlikely that Sounis would have let it stand, then," Costis replied quietly.
"Heh," his King said. "But they posted a guard right over there." He pointed to a dark space across the bay. "Hidden by the rocks, but there's a pretty good window in range of sight of the tower. Boy, was the navy surprised."
He sat back to look at Costis, who could only make out his shape in the dark. "Sounis, Attolia and Eddis know each others tactics inside out. We've been politically outwitting each other for centuries. The Mede? Their tactics are based on superior strength. Which they have, no doubt, and while it leaves me shaking in my boots; they aren't exactly expecting a thief."
"Will you shut up!" a whisper came from above. "This is neither the time nor place to analyze war strategy!"
"Where else do you think war strategy is more applicable?", Eugenides asked with a hushed voice.
"I'm going to beat you with a paddle," Aulus promised, almost inaudibly.
"Oh, kinky," the voice from above murmured.
The crew were arguing about turning back around. Apparently they hadn't expected the storm to come in quite as fast, or Eugenides wanting to take a look at the local general.
"Well," Agathia finally said, after conferring with another woman. "Nothing to it. I guess we'll be doing the sirens."
There was a bump, the ship trembled and Eugenides said: "And that's my cue to leave."
And then he vanished over the reeling into the dark. Costis, with the fear of the gods in his blood, rushed towards the edge, and watched in disbelief as Eugenides hurried over the still water without any trouble.
"What," Costis said incredulously. He temporarily forgot to be quiet, and was summarily hushed by the surrounding sailors, for whom apparently walking on water wasn't anything special.
"I mean, how?"
"Concentrate on the mission," the voice from above whispered harshly, "afterwards you can debate the finer points of military history and geographic anomalies." And then, quieter, probably so that Costis would not hear. "Good gods, it's almost like having another one."
Costis hung his head over the railing. There was Eugenides, standing on water. It looked like he was searching for something. "Come on, Costis. Leave your shoes, and hurry up."
Of course he followed him. How could he do anything else?
And to Costis' endless mystery, the water turned out to be covering a thin ice sheet that in turn was covering the whole bay.
"How?", he asked again, and hurried after Eugenides to hear his answer.
"Flash freezing. Lakes do that sometimes, but it's much more rare on open water. There's this philosopher who speculated it has something to do with salt water. But the sailors stationed here throughout winter have made the observation that during Eastern winds and temperatures with morning frost, the bay freezes. Aren't we lucky the Mede decided to hold this particular island during winter?"
Costis had no time to curse Eugenides and his shenanigans. They arrived in the harbor under the cover of the fog and darkness. The harbor itself was sparsely lit, enough so that Costis could make out shapes, but the ship in which they arrived was completely invisible. He wondered if the ship was lost somewhere in the bay.
If it might have sunken in the mean time.
Then, he connected the various shapes in his mind — three huge warships were sitting in the harbor, bigger than any he had ever seen. Next to them, the two other warships seemed small — but they were still bigger than the trireme they came on to saboteur this whole operation. The messenger ship was no surprise. And then, of course there was the ship of an ambassador, decked out in pomp, paint and pearls. The figurehead was a bare-busted mermaid plated with gold, the sails royal-purple, and he knew exactly who commissioned it. So did the King.
"That one is mine," his King whispered.
"Sure," Costis agreed, "but let's start with the actual reason we did this completely insane stunt." And hope we don't actually meet Nahuseresh.
oOoOo
When all the ships of the Mede were sabotaged, Eugenides had vanished, and a thunderstorm broke over the open sea.
The sea started burning.
And out of the burning blaze, there came a ship, two houses high with the blackest of sails. One could hear the thunder rolling as it came closer to the shore. A beat echoed over the bay.
Like an unavoidable predator, the ship came into the harbor. The ox beat turned silent, and Costis could see the crew. They were naked, and they were female — strange markings heightened their cheekbones and emphasized their torsos, the flickering light on the sea adding unearthly shapes.
The blazing fire hissed, and then the alarm bells started tolling.
"RUN!", he heard someone shouting. That finally got him out of this daze. He ran towards the ship and forgot to wonder where his King went.
oOoOo
And this was how Costis got tied up on a deck, surrounded only by the Eddisean women.
He entered the ship most ineptly by a lasso thrown over him and then pulled. (He banged his head on a barrel and scraped along the floor boards.)
The ship looked differently — for one, the men were all rowing on the lower deck so none could be seen, but he could not put his finger on the change.
Costis stared at the women, but then realized what he was staring at, and averted his eyes. Then he had to look back again. The naked breasts were distracting. There were strange markings painted on, swirling lines in black and white. He hoped the staring might be forgivable. He looked away again. A woman who noticed his curiosity said: "It's gull crap. And tar. Really nasty, but hopefully the Medeans will be much too distracted by these." In a truly magnificent move she did… something to her bosom and Costis couldn't help but stare again. She laughed. "Exactly. Too distracted to notice the smell. Usually we use clay and other earths. When we have more time to prepare." She looked at the smear on her hands and grimaced.
"You do that often?" Costis asked incredulously. He stared vaguely across the bay into the dark, because there was simply no even vaguely safe place to look.
"We're competing with the military of a land with a hundred times our soldiers, and half our citizens are already in the military." She shrugged. "One does what one must."
"Stop gossiping!" Agathia called. "Costis, you're up. I do hope you know how to scream." She kept staring at him. "Doesn't matter if it's in pain or ecstasy, it's gotta be believable."
Costis was cold and wet on the ship's bow. He was going to die by Medean cannons that had meanwhile been fired several times. He was a soldier and had been in combat, but he had never felt so helpless before a confrontation, even though their chances weren't too bad.
One of the sailors threw the flare into the air. The sea continued burning.
oOoOo
Costis knew all of them were human and didn't have supernatural heritage (maybe Agathia), but even if he knew how all this was produced, it was frightening.
Cannons started firing more frequently, but the ship had, through the skill of its rowers, turned on a hairpin and was now careening right into the direction of the outer harbor wall at the outer edges of the bay. This was insane. Costis was going to be sick. Costis was never setting foot on a ship again.
Maybe Eddis turned regular people into reckless crazy human beings. "What are we doing about the King!" he yelled.
The woman next to him looked at him funnily, then evidently understood: "Eugenides! We'll try to pick him up at the barricade to the harbor. If he's not there yet, well — Eugenides will find a way."
Costis tried to imagine going to the palace without the King.
The speed picked up some more. Costis closed his eyes and prayed to the gods. There was a horrible scratching sound and he felt movement in his gut. He opened his eyes, and the trireme was flying with open sails over the barricade. There was Eugenides, dropping from the high cliff. He landed on the ship at least, but rolled over and didn't get up.
The hook had left a two-inch deep scratch in the wooden planks. Costis hurried over.
The King was groaning. Costis was trembling. He did not know if he should shout, if he should cry, or if he should dump his king back into the ice-cold sea.
"Costis?", the King moaned. "Could you check if I'm alive."
"No," Costis said. Fuck you, he didn't say, but it was implied.
They had crashed into the water with a splat, but Costis had been preoccupied with his King, while the rest of the crew had rowed on. Costis looked back.
The island was burning, and bells were ringing, but the fog had not lifted and so everything was shrouded and unclear. The ship was losing speed, and the wind was picking up.
"They are not coming after us," Costis told his King.
Eugenides groaned again, and tried to sit up. Much to Costis' pleasure it remained a try. "You won't believe who I met."
"No. I also did not believe you would do what you just did."
Eugenides, who had closed his eyes, opened them halfway just to plead: "Don't tell my wife?" Costis took a while to contemplate that, but ultimately believed that he would be the one punished most severely if someone other than him told the Queen. "I'll think about it. Who did you meet?"
"Nahuseresh's slave and the general of his army. I brought you something," and he dropped an ostentatious pearl necklace onto the dark boards. "Here, I thought of your sister. Now. Are we going to be on time for breakfast?"
He was going to strangle his King, and he doubted anyone would stop him.
oOoOo
When they came back, Costis hid in the guard's bath — he knew the King didn't like to be naked. Costis almost knifed him with a dagger when he dropped from the window onto his bed, when he thought he was finally safe, as the Queen had come back from her hunting trip.
"Are you still angry?" the king asked. "Of course you are. I wanted to read you the letter Melheret got."
It was written in Mede, and while Costis' language skills had improved a lot under his King's tutelage, he probably missed a few finer points.
It was a flowery essay from a lady on how lovely olives looked especially in wintertime (which sounded suspicious to Costis), and how every farmer should carefully consider not cutting them down until spring, especially when that farmer was self-reliant and on his own. She wondered where ten of her lovely ornaments went, and accused one of her servants of stealing them. There was an afterword, in which they chided him of paying a fortune for a bribe that didn't pay off.
Costis considered. He didn't feel like punching the King anymore, which was indication enough that he had forgiven him for the insane stunts on his life. And to be honest, this was an ingenious way of keeping the Mede off their balance.
He still did not understand why the King was waiting on Sounis. What had happened there to make the King waver so?
When Costis looked up again, the king had left. The pearl necklace dangled from the coat hanger, and all ten gold cups were lined up on the window sill.
oOoOo
A few hours later Costis deposited the pearl necklace on the small altar before Eugenides. "I'm glad you are alive," he said. "I'm never introducing you to my sister. And I have no idea how anyone could like you."
"Aww," said the King of Attolia, who crouched on the doorway behind him. "I know you love me. Say, what do you think about asking the Mede if they believed in man-eating, fire-spiting sea women?"
Costis sent him a withering glare, and went to Aris to look for some mulled wine.
He didn't even want to think about the Mede right now. The King could resolve that thing with Sounis on his own, and anyway: Eugenides had probably solved it already and was only waiting for the most convenient natural disaster.
Thanks for reading!