Title: Supernova
Authour: Sing to Angels
Disclaimer: I don't own Xander, although I really wish that I did cause he is yummy. Also, I don't own Joss Wedon, Grr Argh, or anything associated with Buffy the Vampire Slayer.
Spoilers: Hell's Bells, it all goes AU from there though
Authour's Notes: I wrote and posted this a long time ago, but I decided to pull it out and repost it all fixed with added stuff. Thanks to Eve for beta reading this. If you read this before, you might want to read it again because it is totally changed. Also, I'm breaking it up to post in parts so it isn't totally overwhelming for ya'll. As with all of my stories, this isn't really a 'G', think of it as an R with some naughty stuff later which I'll give proper warnings for. All bad words have been bleeped out, but you'll still be able to tell what it used to be. I don't have a credit card to pay ff.net with, otherwise I would so I could get higher rated stuff. People must think my stuff is lame and just skim over it. :(
Feedback: Always wanting it, makes the brain more wrinkly with knowledge and stuff. Singtoangels@hotmail.com, Singtoangels@earthlink.net

Xander sat in his motel room, staring at the nicotine stained walls. He knew with a keen certainty that he was probably the least favourite person in the eyes of the Scooby clan right now. Leaving Anya at the altar as he did.

"Geez Xan-man, what the hell where you thinking?"

He remembered seeing that false vision of his life with Anya and it petrified him. But even more than that, Xander realised that it came far too close to the future he really saw for Anya and himself. He loved her, that much was true. But was it real? Xander didn't know. All he knew was that when he fell for that type of woman, it always ended in disaster. Hell, any woman for that matter. But especially those strong, greedy, tactless, vain women he always seemed to tumble after; they were murder on his carefully constructed ego. He only felt slightly guilty about Anya, and that scared him because if nothing else, she was his companion, his friend. He should burn in hell for what he had done.

"God, I've got to get away from this burg for awhile."

Xander knew that he couldn't look his friends in the face after this fiasco, at least not now. Oh God, oh God, oh God. Definitely not Anya, no way. She was probably crying somewhere, and after she finished doing that, destroying his X-men comics one by one. Ok, time to go now. Yes, time to go.

"I'm taking the loser's way out, but I don't care. I need some Xander time. It's like that Offspring song Oz was always singing. Gotta get away, gotta get away, gotta get away from here..."

Still singing and mumbling to himself in a manic sort of way, Xander grabbed his rented coat and headed out the door to his car. He cranked the engine and it puttered before finally giving in and starting up. He didn't have any clothes but the ones on his back, no money but a ten dollar bill and an uncashed check in his wallet. It was the middle of the night, and the stars were dim from the sodium lights illuminating the town, reflecting off of the always present haze that hovered over southern California. Xander wanted to see the stars for once. To see that the Earth was still here and it would continue to be alive long after he was dust and bones. The eternity of the stars both chilled and thrilled Xander. They were so crisp, so clean, so cold. But innocent and out of reach.

As he pondered this, Xander realised how philosophical he sounded and how little his friends actually knew him. But he didn't have anyone to blame other than himself for that. It was the mask he wore, the Barbie Doll Syndrome. Or in his case, maybe Steve Martin. Shoot, Anya never even knew that he had brain one behind those 'beady eyes'. Maybe he was too content with that. After all, he hadn't wanted to outshine or threaten Willow when it used to be that her brains were all she had. So maybe he wasn't a hacker genius, but he loved knowledge for it's own sake. Comic books took him to a fantasy land where he could live for a little while. Playing stupid had only made him feel more stupid though.

Somewhere along the way, Xander felt that he had lost the book smarts of which he once had been secretly proud, even though that wasn't true. Researching the big bads became as boring as he had always claimed it to be. It made him sick inside because now he didn't even have the smug knowledge that he really was an intelligent person. Was being the keyword here. Stupid. Huckt on fonix didn't work for him. Average.

Ok, time to stop thinking. Xander reached over to turn on the radio and listened with growing annoyance to the stupid Britney Spears song that came pouring forth. Remembering something, he carefully opened the glove box and tried to find a tape with only his fingers to guide him. Ah ha, got it! Xander pulled open the case and yanked out the tape with his teeth. Discarding the box, he plugged the cassette into the slot on his radio and nodded along appreciatively. He remembered that the tape had been leftover from when the real Xander stepped out to play over a year ago. He didn't know whether to curse that Gemini stick thing or thank the guy who used it on him for reminding him of who he really was.

There were two weeks he had booked off for his honeymoon, so he had at least that long to go on sabbatical, perhaps find a self he could live comfortably with. Maybe he would go to Mexico. Avoid the tourist traps, enjoy the nature. Come back in a few weeks and hopefully start his life over. With Anya, or maybe without her, Xander hadn't decided yet.

As he cruised south along the highway, Xander opened his window to the fresh air coming off of the ocean and smiled to himself. Yeah, it was going to be a great two weeks.