Title: The fic in which Sam explores her local video store.

Rating: adults only, for sexual content

Pairings: S/J

Spoilers: none

Disclaimer: not mine

A/N: So there was a dodgy request on the NC-17 list and I was bored and short of good ideas. Thanks to Lys, Ky and Jack for reading this for me and telling me it doesn't (and does) suck. This is for Tammy, for demanding more parody, but I think it'll be the last for a while – I can't bear it any more. So enjoy, or shudder – either way.

im looking for a story where sam and jack have sex in a wierd place. like a barn or a video rentel store... oh... or is there one where jack was at a video store in the porn section and sam walked into the store and saw him there. that doesn't have to be nc17 or whatever
rating you guys are using. i would find that soo funny though with sam catching jack there. Perhaps looking at covers of vids titled: Hot, blonde, wild astrophysicists?

Sam was bored. Not just bored – really bored! Her naquadah reactor was functioning perfectly, the Stargate wasn't suffering from any unfortunate malfunctions, none of the other teams had brought back any interesting artifacts of late... Yes, okay, she did have a million billion things she could be working on, but none of them were vital and she was bored of spending all her time glued to a computer. It was time for her to go out and party and find a nice man to make babies with – just like every girl her age should do. She nodded firmly.

Suddenly a wonderful idea occurred to her – instead of staying in her boring old lab all day, she could have a team night with the guys! Yes, they could watch movies and eat popcorn and chips, and possibly play strip poker if they got drunk enough. In fact, if they got really drunk one of them might even be willing to make babies with her. She smiled sweetly to herself, blue eyes glowing with passion at the thought of finally being pregnant, and jumped up perkily. She was a woman with a mission!

First she went to Daniel's office, only to find him surrounded by a huge pile of books. She pouted prettily, wrinkling her nose at the musty smell of books. Daniel really ought to have some pot pourri or scented candles. In fact, she could make him some with the secret recipe her mother had left her in her hope chest! The thought almost brought her to tears but she restrained herself just in time – she was an Air Force Major, after all, and that kind of behaviour just wouldn't be appropriate on base. Pity.

"Daniel." He didn't look up from his translations and she sighed: he could be so boring sometimes. "Daniel!"

He jerked up, blinking in confusion. "Sam, what are you doing here?"

She sighed deeply. "Daniel, I'm very confused right now. Do you have time," her voice trembled, "To talk?"

His blue eyes were limpid pools of concern, affection and fear. "Of course Sam, I always have time to listen to a friend." He took her hand in his and she felt a rush of brotherly affection towards him. Maybe he wouldn't be a good choice to father her babies, despite his tight little body and gorgeously unkempt hair – it might just be too wierd. Even so, he was awfully clever...

"Daniel, I'm getting old." He stared at her in confusion.

"Sam, of course you're not – you're young, gorgeous..." He gave her an appreciative look and she giggled, caught between pleasure and being ooked out.

"But Daniel, I'm thirty-something and I need a child – possibly even twins so I only have to waddle around for nine months once!" She gave him an assessing look. "And I want to have smart kids! You're the smartest person I know, so the question is..."

He stood up and started backing away in alarm. "Sam, I love you, you must know that," (she did of course) "But you don't mean what you're saying!"

She sighed with irritation. "Danny, we'd have beautiful babies! Just think, their eyes would be bluer than... blue. They'd be a whole new colour! And did I mention that they'd be smart?"

Daniel was practically stuttering from nerves. "Sam, I'm sorry, but you're my soul sister and it would be wrong."

Sam absorbed that information in silence. His attitude was vexing, but she supposed she could understand the wierdness. "Whatever: anyway, do you want to come along to a team video evening tonight?" She scowled, but even then her INNER PURITY and goodness shone through.

He looked at her fearfully. "Sam, I'd love to, especially if there's a chance I could get drunk on half a pint of beer and have Jack laugh at me, but I have to work."

Oh bother: this was going dreadfully. She'd just have to go and find Tealk then. "Okay, tootles!" She skipped out cheerfully, hiking up an errant bra strap – crimson lace, naturally. Ten marines came to a dead stop in the hallway, gaping at her – she was just so hawt! – but she paid them no attention. They didn't belong to Ess Gee Wun, so they weren't suitable father material.

Tea'lc was in his room, kel'no'reaming. Sam was shocked by the number of candles he was using. "Te'elk, do you have any idea of what you're doing to the ozone layer?" she cried.

He glowered at her, lips turning down so much they almost formed a little crescent moon of crabbiness. "Major Carter, I must ke'ln'o'rim to maintain the health of my symbiote."

"Oh." She tilted her head to one side, thinking. She supposed that was an okay excuse. "Hey, Tilk, are any of your candles scented? If so, you could lend some to Danny – his room smells horrid!"

Tei'c regarded her sternly. "MajorCarter, you're behaviour is most unusual. I believe that you may be under an alien's influence."

Sam panicked – what if she was? – and then remembered something, with a sigh of relief. "Silly Te'e'k! This is a parody! You know, an artistic work that imitates the characteristic style of an author or a work for comic effect or ridicule! You mustn't take it seriously – that would be stupid!"

Tiw'k looked confused, as well he might, but then shook his head. It was no use trying to understand the ways of the Earthlings. "MajorCarter, is there anything I may assist you with?"

Samantha looked doubtful. She wasn't sure she wanted to spend any time with him after he called her wierd. Oh well, she had to ask him now. Plus, now that she thought about it, what if he impregnated her and her Junior had a Junior of its own? That would be scary! "Tee'l'c, I was thinking we could have a team movie night, but Danny can't make it. Would you like to come along, or are you busy?"

The decision wasn't difficult for Teal'c to make. He was fed up of MajorCarter mispronouncing his name, and besides, she and O'Neill were blatantly going to Get It On that evening. He really didn't want to be in the way when they finally consummated their True Love.

"Thank you for your invitation, MajorCarter, but I must refuse."

Sam trilled a sigh of relief. "Oh, I'm so sorry! I must go and find O'Neill now. Bye!"

'Hmm,' she thought to herself as she wandered off towards Jack's office. (She knew she shouldn't think of him as Jack, but he was her True Love, so the regulations be dmed!) She was now down two potential baby-makers, but secretly she'd wanted Jack all along – this would be so perfect! Plus Hammond would totally give them a dispensation, because he was her Godfather and he loved Jack lots, even when Jack was annoying and snarky. Everyone did because Jack was Jack, ya know?

Huh. His office was empty. The gym was empty. Her lab was empty. The room they'd had installed with a widescreen TV, surround side speakers, Playstation, X-Box and Game-Cube to keep him from pestering all the other scientists (she secretly loved it when he pestered her) was empty. She peeked into the men's locker room, secretly hoping to find him or one of those cute marines totally starkers, but that was empty too. Where could he possibly be?

Suddenly it struck her, with the force of a painless bolt of lightening. He wasn't on base! And then she had a totally wonderful idea – she could go to the video shop, pick up a couple of movies and surprise him at his house! Then they could engage in a little friendly groping on the couch, and he could impregnate her! He was going to be so thrilled!

She drove along happily, singing along to Whitney Houston, a huge glowing smile spread across her face, white teeth gleaming in the sunshine, blue eyes misty with emotion. She was entirely care-free, well almost – she had just one problem. What video would be best to get him the mood? On the one hand she could get a movie with lots of explosions, but that wasn't very romantic. She could rent a Disney movie, but while she found Prince Charming a turn-on, she wasn't sure if Jack felt the same about Cinderella. A pile of chick flicks would be fun, but might be too girlie for her beloved. Wait, she could rent 'The Bodyguard' – it incorporated a cunning mixture of romance and action. That would be perfect!

She found it quickly in the video store (having instantly morphed there to avoid a boring driving and parking scene) and was looking for other similar movies when she suddenly noticed a walled-off area she'd never seen before. It had a sign 'Over 21's only' and she wondered in curiously, wandering what on earth it could be. Even though she was thirty-something, her INNER PURITY meant that she was deeply innocent (while damn hot in the sack, naturally).

Taking in the sight before her, she gasped in a combination of shock and arousal. The walls were lined with shelves of porn videos, floor to ceiling, and standing in the middle of her room was her CO. Sam tossed 'The Bodyguard' aside without a second thought.

"Sir," she moaned.

Jack spun round on his heel. "Sam!"

She stared at him, overcome by her deep, burning lust. The sight of him was more than she could take, especially in such deeply sensual surroundings. "What are you doing in here?"

He blushed beetroot. "I get lonely sometimes, waiting for a time when the regulations will no longer keep us apart." She sighed – THE ROMANCE.

He continued his explanation. "Last week was particularly hard and I wore out all my favourite videos. Today you looked particularly fetching today in your blue BDUs and I couldn't take it any longer, so I came here to rent a couple of movies till my replacements arrived."

She smirked – after all, blue was her colour, it matched her eyes! – and then felt her ears buzz as she focused on the video in his hand. 'Hot, blonde, wild astrophysicists!'

"Jack, do you..." She couldn't finish, overcome by emotion.

"Jerk off to this video while thinking of you?" He gazed at her tenderly. "Of course, Samantha. I wait for you, my one true love, but you can't expect someone as virile and well-endowed as I am to be celibate."

Of course she didn't: his blood was as red as a very red thing, and every man had his needs. As for his... well-endowedness, she tried not to speculate, but how could she have missed that bulge in his boxers all those mornings when they were off-world? Sam flung herself into his arms.

"Jack, I love you, I want you, and it means so much to me that you only masturbate to blonde scientists who aren't nearly as pretty as me!"

His mouth crushed down on hers, plundering her sweetness, and together they fought with belts, buckles and buttons in the need to remove each other's clothes and be as one soul, right there in the adult section.

Jack finally lowered her pants – "Sweet!" – when they were interrupted by the sound of someone clearing their throat.

"Excuse me, do the two of you need some privacy?"

Jack pulled back from his exploration of Sam's tonsils (she whimpered and stuck her hand down his boxers) to look at his beloved blonde beauty. "Sam?"

Her eyes were glazed with passion. "Jack, I don't care – let everyone witness our true love! Give me a baby, now!"

A low growl came from deep in his chest. "Is one enough?" He probed inside her gently and she came at his mere touch, screaming out her ecstasy to the video-store. "Yes, yes, yes! Wait, NO! I don't want just one, I want triplets!"

"Triplets it is then." He thrust into her, feeling his eyes cross as her warm, wet depths tightened around his pulsating manhood. She shrieked again.

"Jack! I finally understand what I've been missing all this time and feel fulfilled as a woman!"

Jack smirked at her. "Yes, you are, Samantha my love. You were made for me, to baffle me with technobabble and bear my brown-eyed babies." Then he thrust hard one more time and they both came in cries of rapture (cos it was just that good. Also he's kind of old, so he couldn't keep it up for very long).

Their perfect afterglow was interrupted by a voice exclaiming, "Dude, that was awesome!"

"Thank-you," Jack murmured. He stirred slightly, hardening inside her once again. "Come on Sam: one down, two to go!"

She squealed in glee. "Oh yes!" And then all was quiet, except for their moans of passion and the sound of the pimple-faced teenager taking pictures of them with his cellular phone.

The end.