The Star Warsised Dead Parrot Sketch…
The Dead Qom Qae Sketch
Author: Lesietta Wehs aka LP
Disclaimer: I do not own 'The Pet Shop Sketch' (the other name for the sketch) or Monty Python. Ditto on the Star Wars stuff. I Just warp them, and make no money off of these.
Rating: PG for violence towards the dead Qom Qae. (so its dead, but it doesn't make it nice.)
Note: I'm gonna dedicate this to the two people who suggested I do the dead parrot/ original pet shop sketch, who, ironically, have similar names. Nemesis Kenobi, and Amidala Kenobi
And if anyones wondering, a Qom Qae is a perydactal like creature that's metioned in Vision of the Future.
The Pet Shop Sketch is from "And Now For Something Completely Different"
A customer (Han) enters a pet shop (run by Obi-Wan).
Han: 'Ello, I wish to register a complaint.
(Obi-Wan does not respond.)
Han: 'Ello, Miss?
Obi-Wan: What do you mean "miss"?
Han: pause I'm sorry, I have a cold. I wish to make a complaint!
Obi-Wan: We're closin' for lunch.
Han: Never mind that, my lad. I wish to complain about this Qom Qae what I purchased not half an hour ago from this very boutique.
Obi-Wan: Oh yes, the, uh, the Nubian Blue...What's,uh...What's wrong with it?
Han: I'll tell you what's wrong with it, my lad. 'E's dead, that's what's wrong with it!
Obi-Wan: No, no, 'e's uh,...he's resting.
Han: Look, matey, I know a dead Qom Qae when I see one, and I'm looking at one right now.
Obi-Wan: No no he's not dead, he's, he's restin'! Remarkable bird, the Nubian Blue, idn'it, ay? Beautiful plumage!
Han: The plumage don't enter into it. It's stone dead.
Obi-Wan: Nononono, no, no! 'E's resting!
Han: All right then, if he's restin', I'll wake him up! (shouting at the cage) 'Ello, Mister Polly Qom Qae! I've got a lovely fresh cuttle fish for you if you show...
(Obi-Wan hits the cage)
Obi-Wan: There, he moved!
Han: No, he didn't, that was you hitting the cage!
Obi-Wan: I never!!
Han: Yes, you did!
Obi-Wan: I never, never did anything...
Han: (yelling and hitting the cage repeatedly) 'ELLO POLLY!!!!! Testing! Testing! Testing! Testing! This is your nine o'clock alarm call!
(Takes Qom Qae out of the cage and thumps its head on the counter. Throws it up in the air and watches it plummet to the floor.)
Han: Now that's what I call a dead Qom Qae.
Obi-Wan: No, no.....No, 'e's stunned!
Han: STUNNED?!?
Obi-Wan: Yeah! You stunned him, just as he was wakin' up! Nubian Blues stun easily, major.
Han: Um...now look...now look, mate, I've definitely 'ad enough of this. That Qom Qae is definitely deceased, and when I purchased it not 'alf an hour ago, you assured me that its total lack of movement was due to it bein' tired and shagged out following a prolonged squawk.
Obi-Wan: Well, he's...he's, ah...probably pining for the fjords.
Han: PININ' for the FJORDS?!?!?!? What kind of talk is that?, look, why did he fall flat on his back the moment I got 'im home?
Obi-Wan: The Nubian Blue prefers keepin' on it's back! Remarkable bird, id'nit, squire? Lovely plumage!
Han: Look, I took the liberty of examining that Qom Qae when I got it home, and I discovered the only reason that it had been sitting on its perch in the first place was that it had been NAILED there. (pause)
Obi-Wan: Well, o'course it was nailed there! If I hadn't nailed that bird down, it would have nuzzled up to those bars, bent 'em apart with its beak, and VOOM! Feeweeweewee!
Han: "VOOM"?!? Mate, this bird wouldn't "voom" if you put four million volts through it! 'E's bleedin' demised!
Obi-Wan: No no! 'E's pining!
Han: 'E's not pinin'! 'E's passed on! This Qom Qae is no more! He has ceased to be! 'E's expired and gone to meet 'is maker! 'E's a stiff! Bereft of life, 'e rests in peace! If you hadn't nailed 'im to the perch 'e'd be pushing up the daisies! 'Is metabolic processes are now 'istory! 'E's off the twig! 'E's kicked the bucket, 'e's one with the Force, 'e's shuffled off 'is mortal coil, run down the curtain and joined the bleedin' choir invisibile!! THIS IS AN EX-QOM QAE!! (pause)
Obi-Wan: Well, I'd better replace it, then.
(he takes a quick peek behind the counter)
Obi-Wan: Sorry squire, I've had a look 'round the back of the shop, and uh, we're right out of Qom Qaes.
Han: I see. I see, I get the picture.
Obi-Wan: pause I got a dewback. (pause)
Han: (sweet as sugar) Pray, does it talk?
Obi-Wan: Nnnnot really.
Han: WELL IT'S HARDLY A BLOODY REPLACEMENT, IS IT?!!???!!?
Obi-Wan: Look, if you go to my brother's pet shop on Tatooine, he'll replace the Qom Qae for you.
Han: Tatooine, eh? Very well.
Han leaves. He enters the same pet shop. Obi-Wan is putting on a false moustache.
Han: This is Tatooine, is it?
Obi-Wan: (with a fake mustache) No, it's Hoth.
Han: (looking at the camera) That's inter-planetary rail for you.
Han goes to the train station. (AN: no, I have no idea how a railroad could go from one planet to another. Use your imagination) He addresses a man (Anakin Skywalker) standing behind a desk marked "Complaints".
Han: I wish to complain
Anakin: I DON'T HAVE TO DO THIS JOB, YOU KNOW!!!
Han: I beg your pardon...?
Anakin: I'm a qualified Jedi! I only do this job because I like being my own boss!
Han: Excuse me, this is irrelevant, isn't it?
Anakin: Yeah, well it's not easy to pad these python files out to 150 lines, you know.
Han: Well, I wish to complain. I got on the Tatooine train and found myself deposited here in Dantooine.
Anakin: No, this is Tatooine.
Han: (to the camera) The pet shop man's brother was lying!!
Anakin: Can't blame Galaxy Rail for that.
Han: In that case, I shall return to the pet shop!
He does.
Han: I understand this IS Tatooine.
Obi-Wan: (still with the fake mustache) Yes?
Han: You told me it was Dantooine!
Obi-Wan: ...It was a pun.
Han: (pause) A PUN?!?
Obi-Wan: No, no...not a pun...What's that thing that spells the same backwards as forwards?
Han: (Long pause) A palindrome...?
Obi-Wan: Yeah, that's it!
Han: It's not a palindrome! The palindrome of "Tatooine" would be "Eniootat"!! It don't work!!
Obi-Wan: Well, what do you want?
Han: I'm not prepared to pursue my line of inquiry any longer as I think this is getting too silly!
Sergeant-Major: Quite agree, quite agree, too silly, far too silly... (takes Han by the arm) Come on, you, you've got to go do another sketch now! Come on... (he walks off stage left, followed by the director and cameramen, leaving the Obi-Wan alone on the set)
Obi-Wan: (to the audience) Well! I never wanted to do this in the first place. I wanted to be... A LUMBERJACK! (he takes off his Jedi Padawan robes to reveal a checkered shirt and suspenders under it) Floating down the mighty rivers of British Columbia! With my best girl by my side!
-----------------------to be continued in Lumberjack Python--------------------------------------------