Link's Messed up Adventure
At the end of Windwaker, Link and Tetra set off on a quest to find new lands. 4 years later, they arrived on a large island in the middle of the great sea. It looked a bit like Windfall, only more ghetto.
"It's about time we hit land," said Tetra, docking her ship, "All my pirates are dead."
"And they were delicious," said Link, licking his lips.
"Hey!" snapped Tetra, "Remember what I said about keeping that to ourselves?"
"Whatever," said Link, "If you knew how to read a map, we wouldn't have gotten lost and forced to eat our friends to survive."
"Shut up, dickwad! You're the one who finished off all the food!"
"Yeah, but you didn't even bother to shower the whole trip. You smell like a Gorilla's ass!"
"Neither did you! And no, rubbing yourself with Jergen's doesn't count as a 'shower'."
"Let's just go to the island," said Link as he got off the ship, "I need to get me some pussy. Where's the nearest strip club?"
Link and Tetra walked around the island. Several gloomy-looking people observed them as they walked.
"Link, I'm scared," said Tetra.
"Shut the fuck up, ho!" said Link.
Suddenly, a tall gang-banger stepped in their path.
"Hey, man," he said, "You're on our turf."
"So?" asked Link.
"Get the fuck off our island if you know what's good for you!"
The thug pulled out a knife and held it to Link's neck.
"Ooooh," said Link, "Tough guy."
Link then pulled out his sword and chopped the man's head off. All of a sudden, the thug's friends surrounded Link and Tetra.
"Link," said Tetra, "What are we gonna do now?"
"Go to the café and wait for me," said Link.
"But..."
"Get your smelly ass to the café!"
Tetra obeyed.
"So," began Link, "You wanna play?"
The thugs all drew knives and charged at Link. He dodged their attacks and swung his sword around, chopping off various body parts. By the end, there were about 5 bloody men laying dead on the floor. As Link basked in his victory, another group of men surrounded Link.
"Fuck you all," said Link.
Link charged straight ahead to a row of men and swung his sword. Their intestines popped out of their guts and fell to the floor. He then turned around and killed another 10 guys. Before long, an enormous crowd of townspeople arrived.
"Fuck this shit!" shouted Link.
There must have been at least 100 people, but Link finished them all off. Link stood above their dead bodies and raised his sword in the air. His shirt was torn and he was covered in sweat and blood. Almost immediately after giving his victory cry, at least 5000 people showed up to avenge the fallen townspeople.
"How many people live in this damn town?" demanded Link.
Link ran straight through the crowd, slicing and dicing them all. By the end of the massacre, half of the island was covered in blood and Link stood victorious once again. Link ripped off what remained of his shirt and threw his little green hat to the floor.
Just then, over a million people surrounded Link and began to attack. Exhausted and frustrated, Link readied his sword once again and killed everyone that came his way, sending body parts flying across town and bathing the streets in gore. Once everyone was killed, Tetra showed up.
"What the fuck are you doing here?" demanded Link.
"There's no one at the café," replied Tetra, "You killed everyone!"
"Hold that thought," said Link.
Another million people had arrived on the island to kill Link. In a few minutes, they were all dead.
"Stop this madness!" Beedle ran onto the island and approached Link, "What is wrong with you?"
"Beedle?" said Link, "I left Outset to get away from you!"
"You know me," said Beedle, "I'm everywhere!"
"What the fuck do you want?"
"I want you to stop all of this senseless violence. Please hear me out!"
"They started it! Now, get lost, asshole!"
Link then stabbed Beedle in the gut.
"Let's go, Tetra," he said.
As Link and Tetra began walking away from the bloody scene, Beedle suddenly jumped up.
"Get back here!" he shouted.
The shopkeeper charged at Link with a machete. Link blocked the attacks and chopped off Beedle's right hand. Link followed that up by slicing Beedle down the chest, causing the shopkeeper to fall dead to the ground. As Link inspected the body, Beedle jumped up and began to strangle Link.
"GACK!" shouted Link, "The hell's going on?"
Link spun around a few times, resulting in Beedle falling off. Link then kicked Beedle, knocking him into a nearby store window. Everything went quiet. Link simply stood there, breathing heavily and holding his sword.
"AYAYAYAYAYAYA!" Beedle suddenly sprang up and came charging at Link with a large shard of glass.
"Why won't you die, motherfucker?" demanded Link.
He then raised his sword and fought the crazed shopkeeper for a few minutes, eventually managing to stab Beedle.
"You will pay for this, Link!" said Beedle.
"Shut up and die!" said Link.
He then knocked Beedle to the floor and began to stab him repeatedly, though he seemingly refused to die. Tetra then tossed Link a carving knife.
"Thanks, ho," said Link.
With the knife, Link literally 'carved' Beedle; as in, he chopped him into hundreds of little pieces.
"Now to dispose of him," said Link.
Link wrapped each little piece with some paper. He then ran up to one the red postboxes and placed the pieces inside.
"I hope the butcher on Windfall likes these," said Link, "Come on, Tetra. Let's grab some supplies. After, I wanna head down to the strip joint!"
"Um, Link," began Tetra, "There aren't any strippers left. You killed everyone in this town."
"True..." Link said, "But I still got you. Dance for me, bitch."
"I don't know..."
"I'll pay you."
"Kay."
Tetra took off her top and began to do a sexy dance. Link found it so repulsive that he barfed.
THE END!