Queer As Fan Fiction

A continuation of QAF as written by a fan

Prologue

Brian

People say that I don't have a heart. Christ, even Theodore put me in charge of pulling the plug on his life because in his words "you're a heartless bastard." Well, I guess it's truer now than it ever has been before because my heart just walked out of my chest and boarded a plane for New York.

As a direct result, I've tried to go back to my wicked ways. I reopened Babylon thinking that it would somehow replace all I've lost. That it would give me focus and purpose. That I could drown out the pain in alcohol, drugs and boys. That the pleasure of being Pittsburg's hottest trick would somehow remind me that I am a lion, a predator, a queer.

I don't need love. I don't WANT it.

But all I've found is long nights of loud pulsating music and hundreds of nameless, faceless hookups that mean nothing to me. When did I decide that I wanted more? That despite receiving no love for the first 29 years of my life, that I suddenly might be okay with having it? That I wanted a connection. That I wanted to been seen for the real me. The way that Justin sees the real me. This is torture. Everywhere I turn in my club reminds me of all I have lost.

I miss my son. I miss the carefree days of clubbing all hours of the night with the boys. I miss Lindsay. Christ, I even miss Mel. But most of all, I miss Justin. I miss him with every fiber of my being. And I just don't know how to handle it. The drugs and alcohol aren't working; neither are the boys.

I didn't realize it was even happening until it was too late, but I think I finally grew up.

Chapter One

2012 - 7 years later

Brian

Every night I reach for my phone. It is as automatic as breathing.

No messages or voicemails.

I hurl it across the room.

I repeat to myself over and over, "you are doing the right thing."

It is his turn to live his life.

Sacrifice. Such a cunning word.

The joke is on us though. We had it all backwards, because what is love if not sacrifice?

Justin

My phone rings late at night. Even after all this time, hope blooms in the center of my chest. I didn't call Brian like I said I would. I never went to see him; he's returned the favor. I don't know why, but I feel like it's vital that he come to me. That he lay claim to what he wants.

In the past, it was always me pushing him along, pursuing him, trying to get him to want me, trying to get him to love me.

And he finally does. Love me. That is why he let me go.

I know this and yet I still cannot bear to be the one to reach out.

When I glance at the screen, I recognize the familiar Canadian exchange and my heart warms.

"Hi Lindsay," I say.

"How are you Justin?" she answers warmly. "I've got some fantastic news!"

Lindsay and I have stayed in touch. We speak almost every week. She has been helping me with my art career, and as a bonus I get to hear all about Gus. My one link to Brian. One that I can't live without.

She is equal parts mother, friend and mentor and I love her dearly. And the strength of my bond with Gus sometimes frightens me. Even though we only see each other a few times a year, Gus and I talk frequently via Skype. He is an emerging little artist in his own right and at the age of 12, I am starting to see Brian's masculine traits making themselves known on his sweet face. He calls me uncle Justin and it just about breaks my heart.

"Before your exciting news, catch me up on all things Gus and JR," I say so that I can get my kid fix.

We talk for a few minutes about the kids and their accomplishments. Everything they do is perfectly perfect and perfectly cute in the eyes of their mothers. And I adore them both. I wait patiently for any news of Brian, although I would never ask. She understands this part of the game and always gives me a few details. Brian is doing very well for himself in the advertising world. He has been to Canada for Gus's birthday every year and Gus goes to him each summer for a few weeks as promised. Wouldn't I love to be a fly on the wall for that! Gus running around Brian's loft getting ketchup and crayon all over his Italian furniture! Although they probably get on great since Brian is actually a large child himself.

But she never tells me if he is seeing anyone. And she never divulges any personal tidbits about his life. And I never ask. And around and around it goes.

"Okay, so tell me this exciting news that you have for me!" I say.

"Drumroll please" Lindsay asks.

I indulge her with a quick drumming of my tongue.

"Mel and I are moving back to Pittsburg!" she screams into the phone. "Aren't you excited?! No more international airfare! No more international calling plan! And we will get to see you all the time! I'm going to be closer now so I can meddle in your career! And, oh god, the best part, I can sell your art at the gallery. They want me back!"

All of this comes out in one great big rush of an incredibly excited run on sentence.

My first emotion is excitement, so I latch on to that like a life preserver and go with it because all I can think about how tricky it will be to see them and Gus and still avoid Brian.

"Oh my God Lindsay! That is great news. And of course I want you to be involved with my art. I owe all my success to you! This is great news," I repeat as my voice trails off, all of the ramifications of this move beginning to sink in.

Lindsay gives me time to get my thoughts in order. She's always been a quick study. The phone is silent in my hand. She knows exactly what I want to ask and I am terrified to ask it.

So I go with the easy question first – at least it was supposed to be the easy question.

"Where will you guys be living? Have you found a place yet? Will you be buying a home or renting an apartment?"

Lindsay is quiet. "Actually," she begins softly, "We are going to be staying with Brian until we can find a place that we love and can afford. Plus, it will be great for Brian to get extra time with Gus."

"But how is that possible?" I ask. "You can't all fit in the loft. Brian will go crazy. And where will he take all his tricks?"

More silence. "Lindsay, just tell me."

"Justin, I love you. And I never meant to keep things from you, but you NEVER ask. Brian sold his loft after you left. He kept the "country manor" or "Britin" as he calls it. That's where we will be staying. It is huge and has plenty of room and Gus loves it there."

There are so many things I want to say, but all I can focus on is the word "Britin."

"What do you mean he calls it Britin?" I ask.

"It's what he has always called it. There is even a big fancy sign by the road with that name on it. What is it with wealthy men having to name their homes anyway? Do you know what Britin means? Why he chose that name?"

"Justin are you okay?"

"Justin, are you there?"

I can hear Lindsay telling Mel that she thinks she lost me and hangs up.

And all I can think is What. The. Fuck?

Lindsay

I look at Mel with wide eyes. "Should I have told him? I shouldn't have told him. Did I make a mistake?"

"Lindsay," Mel says cautiously, "Of course you had to tell him. He is still going to want to see Gus. He had to know. He would eventually have found out. Just be glad that he heard it from you. Brian is such an asshole."

My normal defense of Brian springs to my lips but for some reason, I remain silent. She is not wrong, but she isn't right either. I do know why Brian has never reached out or gone to see Justin. He loves him too much. He is giving Justin what he thinks he needs and has made himself miserable in return. There are so many things I have kept from Justin over the years. And I've made Gus complicit in my machinations. In my defense, I just wanted to protect him and for him to have a normal life and to have a chance to be successful in his career without Brian taking all of his focus. And I've kept things from Brian too.

I have so much guilt. It is eating me alive. And I want to go home. I want to try to at least get them in a room together to see if their relationship can be repaired. I know I shouldn't meddle. But I am going to.

But I don't tell Mel any of this. I don't tell her that I basically manipulated Brian into letting Justin go and that I encouraged Justin to go to New York. And I've kept my relationship and Gus's relationship with Justin from Brian. And I've kept from Justin how awful it has been to watch Brian become a shadow of his former self. It's like someone took all his sunshine away. And part of that is my fault. And then the other layer of guilt is that I abandoned him too and took his son away for good measure. Mel is wrong. If anyone is the asshole, it's me.

Mel

Fucking Brian. It's all I can think. I have watched Lindsay and Justin and Brian do this complicated dance for over the past 7 years. What a bunch of fucking idiots! Each of them avoiding, hiding and suffering. But for some reason, I feel like this is all Brian's fault. There is no love lost between us two, so maybe it is just easier for me to place this solely at his feet.

I thought, naively, that with everything that happened, the bashing, the bombing, the almost wedding, that he would make the effort to keep Justin in his life. I should have known better.

Now Lindsay is all doe-eyed and weepy about the possibility of getting the two of them back together that she didn't even consult me when Brian offered us to stay with him. She just said yes.

Christ, this ought to be interesting.

Chapter Two - Brian

The first call I make after confirming the move in date with Lindsay is to Emmett. Emmett is still rocking it as a wildly successful party planner and for the party I want to throw, I need the best. I am calling in any favor I ever had to get Emmett to squeeze me into his already packed calendar. I know he will do it, because, after all, I am Brian Kinney….. and I did save Ted from going to jail that one time so he owes me big. I need to call in favors because I have been kind of a shit friend. Watching all of your buddies pair up and settle down into happy imitation-hetero lives has pushed me further into my self-imposed exile. I rarely see my friends now-a- days and it is completely my fault. The fact that Emmett sounds incredulous when he answers the phone is clue enough that I might need to work on my relationship building skills.

"Hello Brian. And to what do I owe the pleasure?" Emmett purrs into my ear.

"Well Emmett, I'm cashing in all my chips and favors. I need a party. I need it in 2 weeks. You have to do it. You're the only one I trust to not make it a total suck fest. Although, now that I think about it, a suck fest could be kind of fun."

"You are a riot as always Brian" Emmett replies heavy on the sarcasm. "And for what festive occasion is this party to celebrate? Banged your 1 millionth trick?"

"Lindsay and Gus are moving back. In with me actually.

"Wh-wh-wh-what? Why didn't anyone tell me! Mel and Linds are coming home!" Emmett is screeching now. "Oh my god, there is so much to do! I assume you want this at your manor? Do you have a guest list? What theme do you want? Color scheme? I'm going to have to cancel on the Goldfarb's bar-mitzvah you know!"

"Well Emmett, if I wanted to plan this party myself, I wouldn't have called you. I'll send you an email with the guest list. Party is the Sunday after next. Make it happen." And with that, I hang up the phone.

Emmett

I am momentarily stunned at Brian's dismissal, but then pure joy rushes in. Mel and Linds are coming home! Maybe things will return to normal around this place. And happy side note, I will finally get to see the inside of Britin! The only people that have ever visited him there is Mel, Linds, Gus and JR. And now they are going to be living there. I wonder if it's like a sex dungeon with playrooms set up in every available bedroom. I wonder if it's like the loft all bachelor posh and sophisticated. I wonder if it's like…

"EMMETT!" Drew yells my name interrupting my daydreaming. "Who was that on the phone and why are you so giddy right now?"

"You'll never guess. Guess. You'll never guess."

Drew deadpans, "It was Brian. He wants you to plan a homecoming party for Mel and Linds at his house. I could hear you screaming from the bedroom. And not in the way that I love to hear you scream either."

"You take the fun out of everything, but yes, it was Brian. And we finally get to go to Britin! He's sending me the guest list. I can't wait to see who is on it! I feel like I just won homecoming queen and the star quarterback is my king." I wink at Drew. It's still hard to believe that the last part of that statement is true. Drew is my king and I am no longer little ole Emmett Honeycutt from Mississippi; I am Emmett Boyd, husband to Drew Boyd, retired quarterback sex god.

Drew wraps me in his strong arms. "What do you need help with?" And just like that, I am more in love with him that I was a minute ago.

He kisses me with a passion that has me hard in an instant and has me shifting gears from party planning to sexing up my man. And just when I'm about to tackle him to the floor, my phone dings with the notification of an incoming email.

"Check it," Drew says. "You know you are dying to see that guest list."

And I am. I am curious to see if that one name will be on the list.

I read aloud to Drew:

"Ben and Mikey and whatever charity case they are housing these days, Theodore, Blake and their double trouble, Emmett and Drew, that's us," I whisper, "Debbie and Carl, any dykes you can think of that are still friends with Lindsay, and Justin."

He did it. Justin Taylor. He's going to bring boy wonder home. Praise Jesus.

First thing I am going to do is take my man to our bedroom and worship him like the king he is and then, like any self-respecting gossip, I'm going to call Teddy!

Ted

The twins Alfred and Violet (yes, we named them after the main characters in La Traviata) are at their friend's house and Blake is currently trying to suck my brains out through my dick.

The phone is ringing and ringing and ringing some more.

"Babe" Blake says, "maybe you should get that. It might be one of the kids."

I sigh and answer without checking the caller ID, "someone better be dead."

"Teddy," Emmett squeals, "I have some news. Are you sitting down?"

"Well I am currently reclined. What is going on?" I ask as I put the phone on speaker.

"You are never going to guess so I am just going to tell you. Mel and Linds are moving back to Pittsburg. In with Brian at Britin to be exact. And Brian is throwing a welcome home party and you will never guess who is on the guest list!"

I hazard a guess "Justin?"

"Why is everyone stealing my thunder today?" Emmet whines into the phone. Blake looks up at me from between my legs and smiles.

"Yes," he says petulantly. "Justin is on the list. Do you think I should call him or just send the invite via snail mail. You know I haven't talked to him in a while? Maybe I should call him. Maybe he'd like to hear it in person? Do you think I should?"

"Emmett, I think you shouldn't get involved and just send the invite as soon as possible so that Justin has time to make arrangements if he wishes to attend."

"Yeah, you are probably right. I should probably let this play out without any interference. What does Blake think? And yes Blake, I can hear you panting from here. Did I interrupt something?"

Blake replies "nothing we can't restart once off the phone. And I think Ted is right. We should all stay out of it. Send the invite and let the chips fall where they might."

"A font of wisdom per usual. Okay, I will heed your expert advice and get this in the mail hence forth! Anybody happen to know his address?"

I chuckle – Call Lindsay. I am pretty sure she will know."

"Okay. Will do. Have a lovely night. Don't do anything I wouldn't do! Ta for now!"

"Bye Emmett. Give Drew our best."

As I hang up the phone, I stare at Blake. "Oh, this is going to be good."

The truth is, I can't wait for Justin and Brian to see each other again. Brian has been a different person since Justin left. At work he is professional and demanding as always, but his spark, his je ne sais quoi, has been missing. And believe it or not, I miss the old Brian. He has definitely been adulting as of late and as crazy as it is to admit, I miss his petulance; his arrogance. I miss us, our boys, hanging out and swapping stories. I miss Brian. Oh God, I must need my head examined.

Chapter Three – Michael

I just received the phone call that I have been patiently waiting 7 years to hear. Mel is bringing JR home, back to Pittsburg. Our little girl is going on 8 years old. I miss her. Seeing her a few times a year is not what I wanted when I entered into this arrangement with Mel. I understand why they felt they had to leave but I am still bitter about it. Yes, I gave my blessing, but I have regretted it ever since.

I need Ben to calm me down. I go searching for him, guessing he is in the den working on his next novel. Ben has become quite the best-selling author in recent years and has retired from his teaching position to write full time. With five novels under his belt, he has really made something of himself. Between Rage and his books, we no longer have to worry about money. We've paid off my mother's house (she refuses to leave the place where her baby grew up) and moved to a larger home on the out-skirts of Pittsberg. We dedicate almost of our free time to philanthropy, exclusively to HIV/AIDS research and LBGT causes. And we foster LGBT youth. Currently, we have 2 boys Rory and Eli, 16 and 13 living with us. Both kicked out of their homes for being gay.

"Ben!" I holler. "Ben!"

"I'm right here babe. What's so urgent?"

"JR is coming home! She's coming home! Quick, we need to redo her room. We need to go get some paint. I don't think she likes purple anymore. I need to call Mel and see what she's into. I need to call Hunter too. He'll want to be here when she arrives. We need to…."

"Just slow down babe," Ben says as he pulls me into his arms gently rubbing my back up and down my spine. "Do you know what the timeline is?"

"Yes," I answer hotly. "It's less than 2 weeks! And they are going to be living with BRIAN!"' Why can't they come live with us while they look for a place to live? I have the right to see my daughter!"

"And no one is keeping you away. Call Mel, see what JR is into these days and we will go pick up some new stuff to decorate her room. Stay calm. Focus on the positive. This is great news. Let's not let where they are living dampen the day. Okay?"

"You're right. I wouldn't know what to do without you." I give Ben some seriously hot tongue action and then pick up the phone to call Mel and Hunter.

Mel

"Michael is freaking the fuck out," I complain to Lindsay. "You know he is going to bring up the custody agreement as soon as we are back on US soil. Christ, he'll probably call me the minute we cross the border."

"Mel honey, you have had JR all to yourself except for a few short visits to Michael for the past 7 years. You both agreed that once she was older, that Michael could be more involved in her life. I know you don't want to hear it, but it's time. You should be happy that he is so excited to have JR as a more permanent fixture in his life. And he and Ben have been fostering for quite some time now, so their parenting skills must be vastly improved."

"You're right. I know you're right. But everything is changing so fast. And I feel so out of control. I moving in with Brian for fuck's sake! Stop the ride, I want to get off!"

"Sweetheart. I love you. Everything will be fine. You'll see. Brian has changed. You know he has," Lindsay tells me.

"I know," I say with a pout, "but I still don't trust the fucker."

Brian

I've just gotten off the phone with Lindsay. They are arriving this Saturday. The party will be the following Sunday.

I wonder if Emmett has gotten the invites out. I wonder if Justin has gotten his. I wonder if he will even come. I want to call him; to tip my hand a bit. But I'm actually not sure that I could legitimately refrain from begging, so it's best that I wait to see what his move will be.

I've been slightly stalking Justin over the years. I've followed his career. I've seen the newspaper clippings and magazine articles, the adoration on social media. I've snuck into his art openings and kept an eye on him from afar. I even own a few of his pieces. My boy is clearly still a genius.

You see, they all think I am some kind of idiot. The fact that they think they can keep me from learning every little thing I can about what Justin has been up to is pathetic.

The first time Gus slipped up was when he was nine years old. He was telling me about his art project when he mentioned the name "Uncle Justin." I remember how still he got, how pale his face went. I made him tell me everything. And since that day, my son and I have no secrets. Every week when we talk, I get an update on Uncle Justin. Justin has been regularly skyping with my son. Justin has been regularly visiting my son. Justin is nurturing the budding artist inside of him. And I couldn't be happier about that. That means that I still have a chance. And I plan on getting out the big guns and making him mine. For life. It may take some maneuvering, but I am confident he will come around to my way of seeing things. After all, I've won Ad-Person of the year 3 years running. I can sell anything. Even my old pathetic self.

Justin

The invitation. I've been ignoring it. It sits in the middle of my dining room table acting all harmless and listless. But that invitation is anything but harmless. It is a pandora's box. I am equal parts terrified and excited about what this could mean.

In the 7 years that Brian has cut me out of his life, I have become a wildly successful and popular artist. That old cunt from the magazine all those years ago was right. My art has sex appeal. I have sex appeal. And the public knows it. I have fans in the way that rock stars have fans. I get accosted on the streets of NYC. I get asked to pose for photos and sign autographs. I get propositioned on a daily basis by both men and women regardless of my transparency in regards to my sexuality. It is unsettling to say the least.

And I am so ready for it to be over. I dream of painting in the old barn on Brian's property (the one he kept and apparently named Britin. Yeah, still freaking out about that). After spending so much of my life in the frenetic city, I long for the quiet stillness of the country. I long for rainy days spent in bed with my lover and romantic nights making love in front of the fire. I long for a family and a husband and a home.

I keep telling myself that I will never have that with Brian. I need to move on. I need to put him behind me.

But then that invitation.

That fucking invitation that taunts me from my table.

Today is Monday. The party is less than one week from now. 6 days. Roughly 144 hours. What the hell am I going to do?

My ringing phone snaps me out of my revelry. I answer, distracted, not looking at the number.

"Hello?"

A voice I never thought I'd hear again asks me "Are you coming?"

"Yeah," the reply falling from my lips.

"Good," he says and terminates the call.

I. Am. So. Fucked.

Chapter Four – Brian

I. Am. So. Fucked.

Why did I do that?

I pace back and forth in front of the fireplace, hands fisting my hair, frustration and longing pulsing through my veins.

I feel like I'm going to throw up.

I can't believe I did that.

I can't believe he's coming.

I can't believe I have let this farce of my life go on for seven fucking years.

Everyone thinks I'm such a selfish bastard. But if I was really such a selfish prick, I would have kept Justin here with me, right? I wouldn't have cut him out of my life so that he could achieve his dreams and live his life and figure out who he is…..right?

Thinking back on our discussions about Hollywood and the failed movie, the answer should be a resounding "you are correct Mr. Kinney." Justin loved it there and the choice to leave was not really his to make. I know he would have stayed there if the movie was a success. And I sort of felt like a consolation prize when he came home.

Was that it? Was I punishing Justin because my pride was hurt? Or was I punishing myself because of my self-loathing? I don't deserve to be loved. I have always thought this about myself. I have harmed myself in so many ways over the years. Justin was the only thing in my ENTIRE pathetic life that ever truly brought me solace. He quieted my thoughts. And I didn't deserve him, so I pushed him away.

I look down at my left hand, to the ring I wear when no one is around. I shake my head in disgust, guts churning. You don't deserve him; you never did.

Justin

The next morning, after a restless sleepless night, I know I need to talk to Wes.

Wes is currently my best friend and lover.

I've been in a kind of friends with benefits relationship with Wes now for a number of years now. Wes is an art dealer. We met one night at one of my shows. He approached me because he wanted my art in his gallery. I thought he wanted my ass so we ended up stumbling from my show in the wee hours of the morning, crashing into my apartment and having some incredibly fun drunken sex.

In the morning, it turns out that he really did want my art. And he really loved my ass, so we continued our friends with benefits relationship through the years.

He knows about Brian. I have never kept that part of my life a secret. I couldn't even if I wanted to. Brian is and always has been my muse. He is what drives the emotion behind my pieces. He is passion. He is love. He is moody and broody and sexy as hell. Life with him wasn't always easy, but man oh man was it full of life.

It often makes me wonder why I now sought out men so completely different from Brian.

Life with Wes is easy. He is good for me. He is good to me. We respect and love one another. Our "relationship" is light and breezy. We laugh and talk and there is no drama. And for whatever reason, I have always kept my feelings on lockdown; my heart in solitary confinement.

Because…..

It's not fair to Wes.

My heart belongs to Brian. It always has and always will.

And I have been yearning to be back in his arms every single day since I left them.

That day has finally arrived.

I've already made up my mind. I am going. I am packing my bags for a month. I am calling Michael to see if I can stay with him. I am putting operation Britin on go. It's now or never. One way or another, this thing with Brian will have an ending.

First thing I need to do is call Michael.

Then I think I had better go see Wes in person.

Michael

The ringing phone pulls me from my morning happy haze. Rory and Eli have already left for school. Ben and I are still in our pajamas, quietly cleaning up the breakfast dishes.

There is soft music playing in the background and Ben is lovingly rubbing the small of my back while we stand hip to hip at the kitchen sink.

These are the moments I live for.

I HATE that the ringing phone is interrupting our Monday morning routine.

I debate not answering.

I'm definitely scowling as I say "what?" into the phone.

"Hey Michael, it's Justin. Did I catch you at a bad time?"

"It's Justin" I mouth to Ben as I put the phone on speaker.

"No, sorry. Just growly because I haven't had my coffee yet," I lie badly into the phone.

Ben just raises his eyebrows at me.

"What's going on? Something happening with the illustrations for Rage?" I ask him.

"Oh no, nothing like that. Things are coming along just fine with the comic book. I uh actually wanted to ask a favor of you and Ben."

"I've got you on speaker," I reply, "So go ahead and ask," uneasiness starting to curl in my chest.

"I was wondering if I could crash at your place for awhile," Justin says to us. Then he remains quiet. No reason, no explanation.

I look at Ben. He nods his head at me. I gesture to him to answer.

Ben replies, "We would love to have you here. We are fostering 2 children right now, but we have that apartment over the garage that Debbie and Carl sometimes use when they come visit. You are more than welcome to stay up there. About how long are you planning on visiting?"

"Ummm," Justin hedges, "I'm not really sure. Could be as long as a month. Is that ok?"

Ben and I look at each other with surprise. Both of our eyes wide and unblinking. I am curious as hell as to know what this is about.

So I ask him, "Not that we don't want to see you, but Justin, I gotta ask, why are you coming to Pittsburg, well the suburbs of Pittsburg, for a month?"

"'I want to be there for Lindsay and Gus. You know how close we are. I want to be here in case Lindsay needs me to help with anything. Or if she, you know, needs me to take Gus off her hands for a day or something," Justin mumbles.

I half believe him. I do know how close he and Lindsay are, especially after Jennifer was killed in that motorcycle accident with Tucker a few years ago. And I do know that he has a really strong bond with Gus. So while I don't think he is telling me the whole truth, I let him get away with skirting the real elephant in the room.

"That sounds great. I'm sure they will appreciate having you nearby. When do you think you will be arriving?" I ask.

"I was planning on heading down in time for the party on Saturday. Is it okay if I arrive on Friday evening?"

"Sounds good," I say. "See you then."

As I hang up, I lift my eyes to Ben's.

Despite my reservations, and I have plenty, deep down I think this might be a good thing. My best friend Brian has been walking around like an automatron for the past 7 years. He hasn't quite shut me out of his life, but it's been a really tough to stay connected to him. It's like he has completely closed off his heart, even more so than before. I can't remember the last time that he smiled a real smile, or gave me a best friend hug, or called just to hang out.

He's like a beast with a thorn in his paw, only the wound isn't in his hand, it's in his chest. And it has been bleeding freely since the day Justin boarded that plane.

Ben watches me with compassionate eyes. He knows me. He knows I'm having an internal meltdown.

He gathers me gently in his arms and whispers to me, "It's all going to be okay. It's all going to be okay. Let's go get the guest apartment ready." And then he releases me. I. Love. This. Man. He has given me a task to focus on that I can do right now. I love him so much for knowing me so well.

I just smile up and him and follow him out the door.

Chapter Five – Wes

It's Thursday night. Justin called earlier in the week to ask me to dinner at our favorite restaurant. He said he needs to discuss something with me. He's been deep in his own head this past week and I want to know what is up.

I am desperately hoping that he wants to take our relationship to the next level.

We have an incredible one.

Being with Justin is easy. He is my best friend and lover. And I am hopelessly in love with him. Only, he doesn't know that.

Justin has these relationship rules. He told me not to fall in love with him. That his heart is unavailable. That this could only be about sex. Who says that anyway?

I know he is hung up on his ex. I know that his relationship with Brian did a number on him, but that was a high school crush wasn't it? His first sex? His first young love? Doesn't that fade after time?

Could he really be coming here to tell me he's ready? We have been spending more and more time together and I have been spending the nights with him recently. Maybe he is finally ready to let Brian go?

I realize that I am nervous. My palms are sweating as I check in with the hostess. She quickly escorts me back to our table (internal fist bump – yes we have an "our" table). I take a seat facing the entrance so that I can watch my beautiful golden boy walk toward me when he arrives.

I glance at my watch and then to the door.

I see his mop of blonde hair coming through the door.

He looks good…and distracted. Suddenly and quite fiercely, I don't want to know what he has to say to me.

Justin

I see Wes waiting for me at our table in the back. He looks beautiful. All 6'3" of him tucked into his dark suit, his dark hair slicked back and his dark eyes on me. His face is set in a mask I can't quite interpret, but I notice that his normally open friendly manner is shuttered a bit.

He stands to greet me kissing me quickly on the mouth.

"How was your week?" I ask him as I take my seat.

"Oh, you know, captivating as always." He replies, "and you?"

"Oh, well, it's actually been quite something," I say. "I received great news from my friend Lindsay, you know, the one that lives in Canada?" "She and Mel and the kids have decided to move back to Pittsburg. My friend Emmett is throwing them a huge welcome home party this weekend. My flight leaves tomorrow. I'm uh really looking forward to seeing them."

"That's great!" Wes replies. "You must be so excited. I know its been a few months since you have seen them. What brings them back?"

"I think it was just time you know? Some positive changes in the LGBT community are happening here in the US which is something that drove their decision to leave the country in the first place, but I also think they believe it's time to have the kids closer to their fathers. They are growing up so fast and I know Michael has been pressuring them for a more active role in JR's life."

"What about Brian and Gus?" he asks. "Will Brian get to see more of Gus with them coming back? Does he even want to?"

"Yes, from what I understand from Lindsay, Brian and Gus have a good relationship. And they should have the opportunity to grow even closer as Lindsay and Mel are moving in with Brian. Until they find their own place of course."

Wes looks as me, his face quiet concern, "Where is the party being held Justin?"

"At Brian's," I answer.

"Do you want me to come with you?"

Wes is breaking my heart right now. He's trying to protect me. I think he has been developing some stronger feelings for me. I should have put a stop to our arrangement before he got hurt. I'm not sure why I didn't. But now, I have to.

"Actually Wes, that is kind of what I wanted to talk to you about. I'm taking an extended vacation. I'm not sure how long I'll be gone or when or even if I'll be back."

I look at Wes. His eyes are bright with unshed tears and he looks devasted. I reach across the table and take his hand as I say "tell me what is going on right now."

Wes takes shaky breath. "This is my fault. You warned me not to fall in love with you. Am I losing you?"

Shaken, I tell him "Wes, I'm so sorry to have hurt you. It's not your fault. I just have to do this for me. I have to see Brian and resolve whatever it is so that I can move forward. I have nothing to give you because he has it all. I just need to know. He called me. I have to know what that means."

Wes leans his dark head toward me. His hand caresses my cheek and his mouth brushes over mine in the tenderest of kisses. "I know. I understand. If you need anything, please call me."

And just like that, Wes let's me go. Even though this is what I want, it makes me wonder why it is seems so easy for the men in my life who claim to love me to just let me go.