Disclaimer: I don't own Doctor Who.
Author's note: This story has been inspired by Keith Urban's song Making Memories of Us. It's not a song fic, but you may spot some of the lyrics integrated into the story. If you don't know the song, you should definitely go listen to it. Reviews are very much appreciated!
Becoming Real
He is the Doctor, but not quite. He is the last of the Time Lords, except he has a single heart. He is human, except he was born on a planet called Gallifrey, now lost forever. He is damaged, except there is not a mark on him. He has committed genocide, except it never happened in this universe. He is the man Rose loves, except she fell in love with someone else. He is here now, except he should not be, someone else should be here in his stead. He has lived for over 900 years, except he has been in existence only for a couple of weeks. He is flesh and blood, but he is not real.
He loses track of time staring himself in the mirror, searching his reflection for any sign that he is a figment of someone's imagination. He wonders if he is flickering like a poor quality hologram, too fast for his human eyes to detect. He presses a finger against his cheek bone and the bone underneath is solid and unyielding. It reassures him that he is really there. The person looking back at him is the Doctor, is him, but he does not feel real. He has all the memories of the Doctor, for all intents and purposes he is the Doctor, but his existence is so tenuous, so unlikely, that he expects to vanish any moment. There must be something in his reflection that gives a clue as to what will happen. Rose finds him like that, frowning as he is lost in uneasy despair, and wraps her arms around him from behind. Her touch grounds him, almost makes him feel more solid, and he finds solace from her presence. She pulls him away from the mirror, back to the bedroom, and he dares to hope that maybe he will not disappear after all.
He loves Rose. He often wonders if this version of the Doctor was not created solely for the purpose of loving her. He marvels at being able to pull her close into a hug far more intimate than the ones they used the share. He revels in the freedom to capture her lips in an unhurried kiss whenever he wishes to do so. He finds himself wishing to do that a great deal. He whispers to her the words the other Doctor never said. He speaks the language of love in a voice she has never heard before, but always longed to. The radiant smile she gives him in return takes his breath away. He wonders why the Doctor ever held back from surrendering himself to Rose, when the result is a beautiful, precious woman asleep in his arms, all soft skin and tangles of blond curls.
Rose makes it clear that before she met him, there was something missing from her life. There was something absent, like ragged hole within her, where she could feel the torn edges but could not tell what should be there. The Doctor fitted into that hole perfectly. He completes her in a way that makes her realise how hollow her life was when unknown to her she was incomplete. She tries to explain this all to him and gets exasperated when she does not think her words make sense. He reassures her that he understands her perfectly. Together they form one complete person.
He is all too aware of the pain and loss she has suffered since he came into her life. She of course sees things differently. She points out that he has shown her the wonders of the universe and lists just some of the people they have been able to help along the way. He has given her a great gift in the form of incredible memories and on top of that, she now has him to love for a lifetime and to grow old with. But sometimes, when she is unaware of his intense stare, he sees the shadows of past grief flicker across her perfect features. He knows that being lost in this alternate reality and spending years trying to find a way back to him stretched her to her limits. He only hopes he can make it all up to her now.
The ghost of the Doctor lingers between them. Sometimes he is almost solid, other times he is like a shadow they can only just catch from the corner of their eye. Occasionally nightmares wake Rose up during the night and she clings to him, desperately searching his eyes. He feels a cold hand gripping his heart as he wonders if it is him she is looking at or even looking for. They never speak of those moments in the bright light of the morning but he can tell it is what they are both thinking about. He is uncertain whether he should be himself, the Doctor, or whether she would prefer him to become something else. To ease the tension, he forces himself to launch into a story about his past antics and she grins as she offers him the reassurance he desperately needs. When they make love she whispers in his ear the she wants him, only him, and that is all he needs to hear. Over time, the ghost pales and fades like an old photograph left in the sun.
He promises he will never again leave her. He is determined to keep that promise, to keep all his promises to Rose from now on, but he knows it takes time to rebuild trust. Although Rose knows that he never wanted to leave her in this universe, that he fought hard to find a way back to her, she cannot help fearing that he will once again vanish in an instant and he cannot blame her for that fear. She is hesitant to be truly happy, in case that is what will prompt fate to tear them apart again. Each morning waking up next to him, with their limbs entangled as if they cannot bear to not touch each other even in their asleep, eases her worries a little more. Gradually she comes to believe that he is indeed here to stay. Their happiness blossoms into something truly beautiful.
On a night so silent the whole world seems to be holding its breath, he whispers his name in her ear. It strikes a chord deep within her and her tears flow freely. Somehow that simple word awakens ancient knowledge within her and she knows that she was born to love him. Becoming Bad Wolf changed her into something beyond an ordinary human, but she never thought that she would be worthy of carrying the most precious name in all the universes locked within her heart. She tells him this and the Doctor gathers her into his arms. He came to her with nothing, he explains, and asks that she accepts this knowledge as a sign of his love for her. She is struck with a sudden knowledge that she will die whispering his name with her final breath.
They live in the Tyler mansion with Pete, Jackie and Tony, all part of the family. The Doctor settles into domestic routines quicker than he ever expected. He eats toast in the kitchen every morning and lets Jackie chatter to him, at him, about a thousand meaningless things. He is patient with her, knowing that the constant stream of conversation makes her happy. He respects her because she has brought up an extraordinary daughter in Rose and even crossed realities for her. A woman as formidable as her deserves to be honoured. He also likes her because she makes the best cup of tea he has ever tasted, although he would never admit that to her.
Pete explains to him the workings of Torchwood in minute detail. He learns from Rose's new father all he can about the institute and everything else. Pete and Rose have already started improving Torchwood in this reality, turning it into the kind of organisation it should be. Although Pete is still officially running the place, the Doctor takes charge of the changes. He wants Torchwood to be more about compassion and less about guns. That is his way of trying to make the world a better place, because that is what Rose deserves. He wants her to live in a safer world, a world worthy of such an exceptional woman. This is his penance for the crimes the Doctor, or he himself, has committed. He thinks the Doctor would approve.
They work together at Torchwood, although gradually they spend less time in the field and more time directing operations from the headquarters. Every day at the institute is different and he is excited about going to work each morning with her. They often spend their time in different departments, but nevertheless he is working with her. He loves the fact that she notices whenever he enters a room, even if her back is turned or if she otherwise occupied. She always turns to look at him with a smile and he responds in kind. What passes between them is a silent affirmation of the bond they share, a bond that defied the walls between realities to bring them back together. It secretly thrills him that even in a roomful of handsome UNIT and Torchwood male officers she only has eyes for him. He suspects she knows what he is thinking, however, since she rolls her eyes at the way he grins in those situations.
Rose has a private smile she reserves just for him and it never fails to send a lick of heat through him. No matter how much time they spend together talking, touching, kissing, making love or simply holding each other, he can never get enough of her. He follows her with his eyes, admiring the gracefulness of her steps and the teasing way she tilts her head when she smiles at him. Happiness fills his heart as he acknowledges that this is where he belongs. He wants to hold Rose's hand each day and fall asleep next to her every night. When it will be his time to die, he wants to do so in her arms, since she is his whole world, his whole universe. This version of him may only have one lifetime, but having the chance to spend it with her is more than he could ever hope for.
However, over the years the Doctor finds that one lifetime with Rose does not seem anywhere near long enough. He is not a religious man, but he finds himself fervently praying that there is life after this where he could find Rose again. They have many children together, who fill his single heart with joy and love, but Rose remains the one who is everything to him. People around them often remark on the utter devotion they show for one another. How could they possibly feel anything less, he wonders, since they belong together. Every time they make love, he swears he hears the universe sigh at the rightness of it. He hopes that the Doctor can hear that faint sound through the barriers between realities and that he finds some kind of solace in Rose's happiness.
His purpose in life is to make Rose happy and provide a safe world in which their family can flourish. He works tirelessly in an effort to become the only man, the only Doctor, she wants, and to finally become real. He loves her like no one, including the Doctor, has ever loved her and makes memories that are just about the two of them. Because, in the end, loving Rose Tyler is all that matters.