Do Not Use While Sleeping

By Candied

Disclaimer: I wished on a shooting star for the rights to Kingdom Hearts, but instead it fell on my head and knocked me unconcious. Stupid star.

Official warning: This story has both heterosexual pairings as well a homosexual ones. Be prepared for strange plot twists, oppinionated views of the characters, twisted humor, and all in all absurd scenarios. Rated M for language.

Author's notes: Ok, this is my first attempt at a comedy, and while this first chapter isn't as good as the ones to come, it's the basic idea around the plot. Don't worry, I haven't forgotten Moonlight Shadow or Error 404: Crazy, it's just that this popped into my head and refused to go away. I've had it typed up for a while now, but after Jordan getting on me to give her a link, I finally posted it on here. So, this one's dedicated to her. Hope you all enjoy it!

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Chapter one: Welcome to College

Today, life as I knew it ended forever.

For starters, I guess I should introduce myself, right? My name is Roxas Strife. I have just graduated Destiny High, and today was my first day at Destati University. I have two brothers, Sora and Cloud.

Sora is my twin- older by a few seconds. He's bright, cheery, and has the attention span of a goldfish on crack. Seriously, if you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean.

Cloud is completely the opposite. It's almost difficult to get him to smile, unless you're Sora, infamous for your sickeningly cheery disposition. Cloud likes to call his personality 'enigmatic', but I like to call it 'emo'. However, whenever I mention it, he displays his dissagreement by punching his fist into the back of my head. It's hard to salvage your dignity as you peel yourself from the floor though, so I usually apologize.

Moving on...

Sora and I had it all, as far as we were concerned. We were following in the family tradition of going to Destati University, and so were all of our friends. Honestly, we didn't find it at all strange that all of our friends had the same tradition, we just thought ourselves very lucky.

However, after today I knew that I had become involved in something much larger than myself, and all of my friends combined. So it is this morning, where I will begin the story.

My brother Cloud had come over that morning for breakfast, prepared to take us to the campus early and 'prepare us for college life', as he put it.

So he, Sora, and I sat at the table as my mother piled mounds of food onto our plates.

I raised an eyebrow at the fourteen pieces of sausage and pile of scrambled eggs the size of my head that were scattered over my plate. Feeding your family was one thing, but this was just obnoxious.

"Mom... You do realize that I have, in fact, eaten before in my eighteen years of life."

Glancing over at my twin's plate, I noticed that I could barely see his chocolate colored spikes over his own heap of breakfast foodstuffs.

My mother simply giggled sweetly. "Well, yes, but today is a big day for you. You're going to need your strength. What kind of mother would I be if I didn't send you off with a full tummy?" She brushed her delicate blonde locks over her shoulder, showing her beaming smile.

"My... strength?"

The woman that bore me ignored my question, opting instead to turn to my brother Cloud.

"Your senior year, Cloud. Now you're making way for the twins, isn't it exciting?"

My eye twitched at the title she used to refer to Sora and I. "The twins". As if we were one joined thing instead of two individuals. It wasn't even like we were identical or anything.

Instead of chestnut locks poking out in spikes from every angle of my head, I had blonde tresses, gently sweeping to my right and upward. Everything about me was much more graceful than my twin brother.

I looked to said boy, currently attempting to demolish the defenseless sausage and eggs with his face. He grinned at me, sausage link dangling from his sweetly innocent face.

"S'good!"

I concur.

I, much more mannerly, approached my bewilderingly large breakfast with my fork after hearing Sora's face-stuffed declaration.

When the three of us finally maneuvered to the door with all the proper farewell biddings to our mother, we all piled into Cloud's car.

I know what you're thinking; waiting to learn the exact layout of the campus and dorms until the first day? Strange, I know, but for a reason unbeknownst to myself, my family members insisted on it.

We were not completely unprepared, though. Cloud had taken the two of us to set up the dorm room we would be sharing, and we left our cars there the night before, knowing Cloud would be our ride come the next morning. Everything would be easier that way, right? Why take three cars?

The idea of leaving both our modes of transportation seemed less wonderful of an idea, however, upon our arrival.

I swung open the passenger side door and staggered helplessly to my vehicle; a two-door Honda Del Sol- a sporty but sweet little black car I had worked two summer jobs to save up for half of the expense. My parents had agreed to pay the other half.

I was shocked though now, at the torment my precious baby had suffered sometime between the previous night and now.

There were crusted, broken eggs all over, the only spots not covered by the dead chicken babies smothered with yellow spray-paint that spelled out random obscenities.

My knees hit the hard pavement, as my eyes bulged at the monstrocity that had befallen my innnocent little car. From the squeels I heard emerging from Sora's undoubtably pout lips, I assumed his car had met the same painted and chicken fetus-ie fate.

Cloud simply strutted to the front of our side-by-side vehicles to take view of our hoods.

"Number eight and number fifteen," he announced, crossing his arms and letting blonds locks fall to cover his eyes.

"What?" I slowly regained my bearings and stood, finding my stance to be a bit shakey with my disbelief.

The older boy motioned to the hoods of our cars. I walked over to view the spectacle, as did Sora, and found the roman numerals boldly stated in malicious yellow paint. My car read "VIII", and Sora's read "XV".

"Okay...?" asked the brunnette.

"Number eight; Axel, and number fifteen; Riku. That's who did this."

I made a fist, and unitentionally snarled at my older brother. "What the hell are you talking about!? And why did they leave evidence of who did it!?"

"They wanted credit for their handiwork."

After assuring us that his friends would take care of our cars, Axel ushered us off to the dorm room with a promise of an explanation. We got to the room, and Cloud locked the door before rubbing his temples fervently.

"Their information is good," he mumbled to himself, before taking view of his two flaberghasted brothers, "It seems they've already brought in the welcome wagon."

"Who is they and what the hell are you talking about!?" I demanded, punching a fist into my bed.

I was ignored.

"Sora, who is your best friend?" Cloud asked the brunette, leaning on the door.

"Uh... Kairi. You know that."

"Not anymore. That friendship ends here and now. From now on, that girl is your enemy."

A bewildered Sora shot up from his seat on his bed, waving his arms around like an idiot trying to fly. "Wha-Why!?"

There was silence for a moment, while Cloud seemed to contemplate his answer to such a question.

"Because that's the way it is."

The younger of my two brothers did not seem pleased by this vague reply, and stomped his foot to further show his displeasure. As if his scrunched-up nose was not enough.

"But-!"

He was cut off when Cloud waved a hand to silence him, seemingly having decided to elaborate.

"When this school was first founded, our great-great grandparents were among the first to attend. However, during their student life at Destati University; a sort-of war erupted between seven families. Four on one side, three on the other. Two unified fronts fighting against the other,"

"Well, what does that have to do with us?" Sora asked.

Cloud and I both let out an exaggerated sigh. Sora would never go down in history for his witty intellect.

"You were born into one of those families, and Kairi was born into one of the opposing ones. Number eight- Axel? The one that slaughtered Roxas' car? That's her older brother."

The brunnette looked as though he would cry at the sound of Clouds words, so I offered him a comforting smile.

"What about Hayner?" I asked, becoming immeiately aware again of my own best friend.

"He's on our side."

I sighed a much-needed breath of relief.

"Moving on, on our side we have, of course, the three of us. Then there's Hayner, Demyx, Naminé, Yuffie, and Tifa."

Sora was counting on his fingers with each name spoken.

"On the flip side, there's the twins Axel and Reno, Kairi," Sora flinched, "The twins Riku and Kadaj, Fuu, Zexion, and Leon."

I raised an eyebrow at my older brother. "Leon Leonhart? Wasn't he your best friend in highschool?"

"And now we're mortal enemies. Funny how life works out, isn't it?"

Sora sighed. "Or doesn't work out."

"Either way," Cloud continued, "Don't expect this whole practical joke thing to last long, that's just standard introduction. Sooner or later, you'll have an actual confrontation."

Sora's eyes widened so large I thought they were going to pop out of his head an ricochet off the walls. "You mean, like a fight?"

Cloud nodded. "Yeah, and you'd best be ready for it."

Apparently he decided that we could make it through the day when left to our own devices, because he promptly turned around and left, closing the door behind him. I can't say I wasn't glad to see him go, as I was a bit taken aback by the knowledge he had bestowed apon us, and perhaps some time to think could do me good.

Sora half-scowled, half-pouted and grabbed his pillow, hugging it tight into his stomache. "Why don't I recall signing myself up for some kind of gang?"

"No one remembers their birth, Sora."

I layed myself down on the bed with a sigh, thankful for coming here so early. Cloud had given us two hours to adjust; something I was now more than grateful for. Apparently those karate lessons mom payed so much for would finally come in handy.

After soaking-in what little information our brother had left us with, Sora and I left in search of our classes, to better map the route we would be taking through the course of the year.

In truth, Sora and I shared many differences when it came to education. I was a straight 'A' student, while he was more prone to dozing off and delivering to the class a series of graceful snoring noises. He did well in his classes though, save for chemistry which he had failed at miserably. He would be majoring in photography, and I was majoring in illustration. We both had a knack for the more artistic courses, but I was still suprised to find out we would be having some of the same classes together, such as English 101, which we would be attending later this morning.

After finding our classes, Sora and I strolled down the main hallway, still having some time to kill.

"Say, Roxas? Do you think anyone dies in these fights Cloud was talking about?"

Though my brother had more of a gentle nature when it came down to it, and he was obviously concerned about the conflict we had been thrown into, I knew he would at least be able to hold his own when the time came.

"I suppose, if they're careless." I replied. The look I recieved after that told me that it was not the answer my twin had hoped to hear.

"The rest of us will be looking after you two, as well as Naminé and Hayner," a voice said from behind us.

We stopped in our strut and turned to see a rather short, slim girl with short black hair and deep mahagony eyes. The self-proclaimed, "Great ninja, Yuffie".

"Wouldn't want any of our new recruits to end up six feet under," she continued, bending over at the waist and pointing to the ground for added affect. Her face was cheery and bright, however, which was odd for such a morbid subject.

Sora reached up and scratched the back of his head, giving the small ninja a sheepish smile. "How long have you been spying on us?"

The girl stood up straight now, placing both hands on her hips and giving us her best smile. "Not long, Tifa just switched out with me."

I crossed my eyes, twitching and eyebrow upward in mock superiority. "You're taking turns?"

The femme nodded, tosseling her ebony locks. "Yup! Can't stay long though, I have a class in twenty minutes." She quirked her lips to the left, crossed her arms, and moved her glance to the same direction, speaking now through her teeth. "Tifa had better get back soon."

As if on cue, the aforementioned female appeared behind us, wrapping an arm around each of the twins Yuffie had been addressing, poking her face between us. "Miss me, boys?"

Sora sqeeled with delight, draping both arms around her. "Tifa!" His face then changed, becoming somber. "It's not true, right? The fighting?"

The dark-chocolate haired woman sihed, ruffling a hand through the boy's chestnut spikes. "I'm sorry, Sora, but it is true."

The brunette's face transformed into one of his signiture pouts, his temporary smile seeming to face away from exhistance for all eternity.

Tifa tried to reassure him with a smile. "If I know Cloud, and I do, I'd bet he did a piss-poor job of explaining things to you, right? C'mon, I'll take you two out for coffe and clear things up."

We said our goodbyes to Yuffie, and left for a nice dose of caffine.

After we were situated with drug-filled hot drinks in hand, Tifa began her version of the college horrors we would be subjected to from now on.

"Well, I'm sure you're aware that this whole thing started many years ago, between our seven families, right?"

The two of us nodded in the affirmitive.

"Okay, thing is, it starts the moment you set foot on campus. When you start attending Destati University, your life stops being your own. You're expected to manage your classes, of course, but you are also expected to join in the conflict between the opposing three families." She took a delicate sip of her coffee.

"All of your life, you've been unknowingly prepared for this. Your karate lessons, your fencing lessons, even your gun-safety classes."

Sora had been taking a sip of his latte at that moment, but proceeded then to sputter it out onto a man in the table beside ours. "Guns!?" he shouted, earning us the odd looks of everyone in the cafe.

Tifa cleared her throat. "If I may continue... The moment you step off campus, the conflict as a whole stops. Mindless pranks continue, but no fighting. For example, in this cafe, you could have a bucket of worms or something tossed onto your head, but no weapons or anything that would lead to injury."

"Why?" I so originally asked.

Tifa shook her head, brunette locks swaying with her motion. "It's the rules that were set down by the second generation in a council they held, to keep people who were not involved out of it. Also, as soon as you graduate, the conflict is over for you. None of it leaves the university."

Sora immediately cheered up. "So Kairi and I can be friends after we graduate?!"

Again, Tifa sighed. "You could, but I doubt you'll want to. She was probably the one who identified your cars. She was the only one on that side who had seen them so many times, after all."

Tifa had to reassure us that are cars were cleaned and alright before she could eventually shoo us off to our first class.

We were among the first there, and so opted to take two seats at the front of class. It wasn't long before Hayner showed up to take a seat beside us.

"Hey guys, how ya like it so far?"

Sora replied by slamming his head face-first into his notebook, but I at least manage to give him a weak smile.

"I guess it's alright."

"Alright?! It's great!" He declared, folding his hands behind his head, and leaned back in his seat, making himself at home. "We finally have an excuse to get into some real fights!"

Sora whimpered almost inuadibly into his notebook. "I don't wanna fight Kairi."

"Even after she lead Axel and Riku to both your cars?"

Sora grumbled again, but I decided to inquire further. "You're well informed...?"

"Yeah, well, Demyx might not be much of a fighter, but he can gather information like no one else. He's got the info on everyone in this mess."

Ah, Demyx. The gender-confused older brother of my best friend. We all had our theories on the girly-man, but when confronted, he would deny his gay sexual orientation with everything he had.

I, for one, didn't believe him. Prancing around singing show tunes in a fluffy pink bathrobe and tweety-bird slippers while cooking breakfast was not something a straight man would be caught dead doing. Demyx blamed it on his major in the theatre arts. Enough said.

"So then, I don't suppose you know how this whole thing actually started? No one told us."

Hayner looked contemplative for a moment, crossing his arms over his chest. He then shrugged, a slight frown crossing his lips. "He didn't say."

I was starting to wonder if anyone knew how this whole thing had started, and if they didn't, why did everyone just go along with it? Were we so poisoned against eachother that it didn't even matter to us?

Well, not me. I was going to get to the bottom of it, no matter what the cost. After all, it wasn't like I had anything to lose. My life had been signed away to ths stupid conflict the moment I inherrited my last name.

Funny how life screws you over like that.

From the corner of my eye, I spotted two guys standing out in the hallway.

They each had bright red hair, and fair-skinned, chiseled features. One's hair poked out from his head in a series of long spikes resembling the mane of a lion. The other donned shorter spikes as well as a low pony-tail. Both had tatooes on their face, the pony-tailed one's being strange, crescent-like lines sweeping from just beside his hairline to underneath his eyes, the same color as his tresses. The other boy's were twin black triangles- one under each eye.

They were dressed casually, and now I noticed, staring right at me. They started chuckling when I noticed them, the pony-tailed one tapping his knight-stick on his shoulder.

"The twins; Axel and Reno," Hayner informed me in a hushed whisper, "The one with the pony-tail is Reno, best at up-close fighting, both with his weapon, and his fists. The other is Axel, better in long-range attacks. He's pyrokinetic and has these weird, spiked chakrams."

I raised an eyebrow at Hayner's information, before what he said really sank it. "Wait, wait. Pyrokinetic!?"

"Yup, best to watch out for that one."

I watched them as they started to walk away. So, this was my first greeting by the enemy. But more importantly, the guy who abused my car with eggs and paint was a pyro-kinetic!?

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Author's ending notes: There ya go, chapter one! I'll have chapter two up as soon as I can get Error 404: Crazy started so that I don't get shot or anything. Moonlight Shadow will be updated soon as well. Don't kill me for starting another story. Also, now that you've read, please review! I'm holding my Playstation pen hostage until you do! D: