Disclaimer: I don't own anything. In fact, I live in a shoebox that I stole and my body isn't mine, at least I wish it weren't but that is the dream of the teenage girl. If I owned Claidi she would never be called Claidi-baa-baa and if I owned any of her boyfriends I wouldn't be very innocent any more.

Was that T.M.I?

Haha, o well.

Claidi cried. She seemed to do that a lot but now she was crying because everything was stupid. Including her. Argus, rather Argul or whatever her husband was named had gotten drunk again and fallen asleep in the shower, nearly drowning. When he woke up he had a bad headache and called Claidi "stupid wench" before passing out. She couldn't take it anymore. Her entire planet followed stupid customs, believed stupid people, and did stupid things. No matter where she went they did something stupid. They sacrificed women in feather dresses, talked to sheep, turned their hair green to match mistress's dresses, rolled dice to make laws, and unhappy people still followed these dumb rules. But Claidi had a plan. She was going to the House and intended to take over and flay her former mistress, Jade Leaf.

"Muah hahaha." She laughed silently, despite the tears rolling down her cheeks. "Soon they will all pay." All of them. Argul groaned and sat up.

"I'm sorry Claidi." He said, rubbing his temples. "I hope you won't hold this against me for too long, it's just I feel so cooped up in this ship… and the whiskey was just so drinkable."

"You're lucky you're so sexy." Claidi smiled seductively. "Otherwise I'd have murdered you by now." She fingered her knife thoughtfully. Slowly she had been going mad as well.

"Haha! Oh you are such a bomb." He swept Claidi into his arms and smooched her.

*Next three scenes are censored. While this romp goes on I will show you a part of Claidi's diary:

Journal,

I think I'm going mad! I'm still so pissed at Jade Leaf and Lady Ironel and that stupid Nemian boy… urgh! Must meditate… ohm…. The Hulta would tell me… OOH! THE HUTLA PISS ME OFF TOO! Ohm… I will talk to them again. Argul promised.

Journal,

Argul says he can't go back to them.

Journal,

I am deeply pissed.

Journal,

Slowly going mad… what is that gulping noise? Oh, Argul is getting into the whiskey. Again.

Journal,

I found a knife.

Journal,

HOOBITAJOIUFAOSJUFN! URGL SPLAT! AIEEEEEEEEE!

Whoa… whoops….

*End of censored scene.*

"Argul?"

"Hmm?" Argul pulled his hair back.

"We're almost at the House."

"Oh." His face got hard. "What are you planning to do?"

"I don't know yet." Claidi lied.

"Claidi-baa-baa…."

"AIEEEE!" Claidi went into warrior mode, jumping madly around. "NO, NO!"

"Ah!" Argul backed into the wall, frightened by his grasshopper wife. "What are you doing?"

"Whoops… ohm." She closed her eyes and made soothing noises.

"I think you've been getting into the crack." Argul said, clicking his tongue.

"No. I had the computer throw it all out after last week's episode."

"I'm still trying to forget last week's episode." Argul moaned. They had gotten high and ended up trying on each other's clothes. When they came to they were bathing in wine and their finest clothes were ruined.

Not that it mattered as they were stuck flying around in a ship for eternity. All civilizations had stupid rules down there.

"Moan." Claidi started crying again. "Everything is so stupid."

"Yeah… let's just kill ourselves." Argul recommended sagely.

"That would be a move of brilliance on our parts, we can't do that." Claidi shook her head. "I'm going to the House and taking over."

"Ooh! That sounds like fun!" Argul's eyes lit up. "We can be all… using guerilla tactics and stuff."

"You're still drunk, aren't you?" Claidi noticed that he was only ditzy when he was drunk.

"Yeah, just a little."

"We're here!" The computer's voice came.

"Land in the gardens. The guards are going to attack Argul, you need to sober up now!"

"*hic* I'll try." Argul giggled and covered his mouth.

"I'll talk." Claidi caught a glimpse of herself in a mirror and realized she was in dire need of a shower and makeover. (A/N: I really hope she looks better in real life than on the cover because she looks funny there.)

"Computer! Keep us above for a few minutes while I freshen up."

"Can I freshen up with you?" Argul asked.

*More censored scenes. *

I might write more later. I haven't read these books in a long time and I only remember thinking Claidi should go on a killing spree the entire time. If I'm inspired (God forbid) Daisy and Pattoo may be the only survivors. On the entire planet.